Am I over-reacting?

February 7, 2016

....and... This is why so many guys have bad manners.

Women put up with it and give them endless 'second chances'.

Good guy? Hardly. He has been insincere from date one. It's why she started her other thread about him.

Let's recap...

Has a history of hookups, says he is 'done' with hookups, and claims to be looking for a relationship.

Guy has account on Tinder, that he claims to close since he met ES. So much for being tired of hookups. Liar

In between dates, he doesn't call or text much. Doesn't confirm or make plans in advance. Only shares final plans day of. Thoughtless

Guy pushes for in home date. Not once, but twice. Only backs down when neither works and ES stands her ground. Endless boundary pushing

Offers apology. Let's see. Why would his apology be sincere when nothing else has been?

ES was right to be annoyed with him. She gave him every opportunity, starting from day one, to be different. Too many opportunities already.

Here is what I think... If she goes on another date, it will be like date six he expects sex. Sex with no real intimacy on his part. No development of trust. Just a lame apology for treating her as disrespectfully as I am sure he treats everyone he goes out with. Hence, his problem, and not one ES should feel obliged to fix.

February 7, 2016

Anyone who is looking for a serious relationship is wise to wait... Not because there is any guilt or shame involved in having sex... But because you don't want to have sex with *ssholes or people you are clearly incompatible with.

Date three... Guy shows what he is looking for. Submissive type who wants to cook for him and have sex early. Sure, some people don't know how to talk about sex and think that sleeping together early is some test of compatibility. Maybe ES does too? Not sure.

Regardless of the sex, it's his attitude and what he's looking for that is offensive to her. She's not the submissive type and isn't looking to be a homemaker. Yea, I am sure she gets tired of that. I am sure some of her annoyance comes from simply being discouraged that a guy she initially liked turned out to want someone more 'traditional', and has nothing to back it up with himself. Funny. He wants someone 'traditional' who has sex early. Lol. No wonder he is single. Or he is into testing women and has double standards. Lots of guys with a history of hookups play these games.

Yay! So much easier to give the send off and feel GOOD about it if sex isn't involved. No worries about STDs. No stories to tell. Nice clean break. And if they break it off politely, maybe they can be civil.

Cooking for someone is just part and parcel of exploring the senses. Naturally, should one eventually be expected to cook for someone evey day, we could draw the conclusion the other person wants them chained to the kitchen, but otherwise not. Cooking for someone is about so much more than the cooking. When I invite someone into my home, I'm welcoming them to my private sanctuary. They will see photos dotted around, see that I love music and sport, because they'll find sports equipment and musical instruments in the living room, see just how creative I am, because there are endless art supplies on a set of shelves, they'll see I love bananas, because my kitchen currently contains in excess of 20 of them etc etc.

You welcome someone into your home for the first time, because you want to shoe more of your character and how you live your life every day. You want to show your guest that they are important enough to be trusted to come into your cocoon.

Sex is always involvd, if you are enjoying getting to know someone. For example, I think often about having sex with my new man. When we hug or nd he puts his hand on my back, I feel excited to imagine the intimacy building between us. I hope he also often thinks about sex with me. Genuine question, because your posts make me think you don't ever imagine women enjoying sex. Have I got the wrong end of the stick, or do you think women just endure, and never enjoy, sex?

February 7, 2016

....and... This is why so many guys have bad manners.

Women put up with it and give them endless 'second chances'.

Good guy? Hardly. He has been insincere from date one. It's why she started her other thread about him.

Let's recap...

Has a history of hookups, says he is 'done' with hookups, and claims to be looking for a relationship.

Guy has account on Tinder, that he claims to close since he met ES. So much for being tired of hookups. Liar

In between dates, he doesn't call or text much. Doesn't confirm or make plans in advance. Only shares final plans day of. Thoughtless

Guy pushes for in home date. Not once, but twice. Only backs down when neither works and ES stands her ground. Endless boundary pushing

Offers apology. Let's see. Why would his apology be sincere when nothing else has been?

ES was right to be annoyed with him. She gave him every opportunity, starting from day one, to be different. Too many opportunities already.

Here is what I think... If she goes on another date, it will be like date six he expects sex. Sex with no real intimacy on his part. No development of trust. Just a lame apology for treating her as disrespectfully as I am sure he treats everyone he goes out with. Hence, his problem, and not one ES should feel obliged to fix.

It isn't thoughtless to not send text messages and chat messages. These are modern phenomenons that have us all chasing our tails in error. Every relationship would be significantly improved if we all stopped obsessing over these silly messages, and talked more.

One cannot realistically expect to sustain intense amounts of message sending day-in-day-out. It's a waste of one's life, and gives noone peace and quiet away from their relationship to focus on other things.

The man asked if she would cook for him at home. He did not push anything. She said no. He suggested other plans and apologised, whilst clarifying that he wasn't after sex.

We have no evidence of the apology having been insincere, therefore it's pointless to posture about this. It's just conjecture. Please just deal with the objective facts. None of this hysteria helps the poster.

February 7, 2016

Cooking for someone is just part and parcel of exploring the senses. Naturally, should one eventually be expected to cook for someone evey day, we could draw the conclusion the other person wants them chained to the kitchen, but otherwise not. Cooking for someone is about so much more than the cooking. When I invite someone into my home, I'm welcoming them to my private sanctuary. They will see photos dotted around, see that I love music and sport, because they'll find sports equipment and musical instruments in the living room, see just how creative I am, because there are endless art supplies on a set of shelves, they'll see I love bananas, because my kitchen currently contains in excess of 20 of them etc etc.

You welcome someone into your home for the first time, because you want to shoe more of your character and how you live your life every day. You want to show your guest that they are important enough to be trusted to come into your cocoon.

Sex is always involvd, if you are enjoying getting to know someone. For example, I think often about having sex with my new man. When we hug or nd he puts his hand on my back, I feel excited to imagine the intimacy building between us. I hope he also often thinks about sex with me. Genuine question, because your posts make me think you don't ever imagine women enjoying sex. Have I got the wrong end of the stick, or do you think women just endure, and never enjoy, sex?

I love cooking. I cook all the time.

I love sex. I love men.

I don't have sex with strangers, and I don't invite strangers into my home without others in attendance. Especially people I meet online.

Having sex with strangers doesn't mean you love sex. It means you don't care who you have it with. Male or female. A few dates with a guy you met online... He's still a stranger. If you are asking whether woman are capable of having casual sex, of course they are. ES is not looking for that.

If he wants to cook or see how she can cook, fine. Have a dinner party. Invite some friends. Offer for her to bring someone. Have a BBQ. Have a picnic outdoors where you both bring something homemade. Bring the photo albums and the guitar. All things I have done. Lots of ways to invite someone into your home and personal life without making it all about sex or when you are gonna eff. Lots.

Any guy who makes it to four dates with me, I almost always am in a relationship with. I screen out guys like the OP is talking about. He's wasted enough time already with his antics.

February 7, 2016

It isn't thoughtless to not send text messages and chat messages. These are modern phenomenons that have us all chasing our tails in error. Every relationship would be significantly improved if we all stopped obsessing over these silly messages, and talked more.

One cannot realistically expect to sustain intense amounts of message sending day-in-day-out. It's a waste of one's life, and gives noone peace and quiet away from their relationship to focus on other things.

The man asked if she would cook for him at home. He did not push anything. She said no. He suggested other plans and apologised, whilst clarifying that he wasn't after sex.

We have no evidence of the apology having been insincere, therefore it's pointless to posture about this. It's just conjecture. Please just deal with the objective facts. None of this hysteria helps the poster.

We have plenty of evidence his apology is insincere. His past history with women, his account on Tinder, his two attempts at a home date... The second attempt after she told him she wasn't interested in that.

Total BSer. he didn't suggest other plans until she smacked him down twice. Not sure what 'no' means to you.

No doesn't mean... Let's see if I can shimmy in some other way. It means effing no. Why should she believe he will be a gentleman if she goes to his house. Huh? He hasn't acted like one so far.

Hysteria? Oh, good one!!! guy has been BSing from day one, and I remind people, and ES, of all the ways he has been BSing, lest they forget. One apology and 'all is right with the world'. Damn. Gullible much?

Let's top it off with a bit of guilt tripping 'you don't like sex if you don't have it early', and 'real women like to cook'. It just never ends.

Try this. Guy acts respectful, thoughtful, and consistent from day one, or doesn't get more chances. How about that.

February 7, 2016

....and... This is why so many guys have bad manners.

Women put up with it and give them endless 'second chances'.

Good guy? Hardly. He has been insincere from date one. It's why she started her other thread about him.

Let's recap...

Has a history of hookups, says he is 'done' with hookups, and claims to be looking for a relationship.

Guy has account on Tinder, that he claims to close since he met ES. So much for being tired of hookups. Liar

In between dates, he doesn't call or text much. Doesn't confirm or make plans in advance. Only shares final plans day of. Thoughtless

Guy pushes for in home date. Not once, but twice. Only backs down when neither works and ES stands her ground. Endless boundary pushing

Offers apology. Let's see. Why would his apology be sincere when nothing else has been?

ES was right to be annoyed with him. She gave him every opportunity, starting from day one, to be different. Too many opportunities already.

Here is what I think... If she goes on another date, it will be like date six he expects sex. Sex with no real intimacy on his part. No development of trust. Just a lame apology for treating her as disrespectfully as I am sure he treats everyone he goes out with. Hence, his problem, and not one ES should feel obliged to fix.

I had not read previous threads.

I just went by what she said in *this* thread. That she had three great dates with him, enjoyed conversation and that she was attracted to him.

February 7, 2016

I had not read previous threads.

I just went by what she said in *this* thread. That she had three great dates with him, and that she was attracted to him.

ES can verify my memory, but this is a guy she started another thread about. She was concerned if he was for real since he had a recent history of hooking up and claimed to be done with them. She was concerned about the jack of contact. (Oops, lack of contact... But maybe jack of contact is a better description, lol). I wasn't keen on him, but thought she might give it some time.

Flash forward...It was in the current thread where she mentioned him saying with a smirk that he could close his Tinder account now. This was on their third date or so. Tinder is for hookups. So much for being tired of hookups. (Rolling eyes).

Hmmm.. even she was struck by his blatant insincerity on that part. I think if it weren't for that interaction, and his self professed history, she might be a little more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt with the at home date thing.

When he pushed for it again, after his little apology, I am like...oh HELL no.

February 7, 2016

ah count me in the group that doesn't enjoy questions being answered by questions, life isn't a game of whose line.

Yeah maybe he tried for sex, but he even said he'd wait if you wanted to. I don't understand your problem.

February 7, 2016

Ok, I brought up cultural differences just because I think they may lead to misunderstandings. Apologies.

On your original question: yes, you are overreacting. A lot. Whatever the reason is, it hindered your chances for a relationship with this man, which is ok because you don't like him anyway.

This has nothing to with my bluntness or my cultural background.

To re-iterate:

1. Through all my years and years of dating, this is only the second time in my life where I said that I want to wait for sex. Every other time I would just dodge the situations that would lead to sex until I was ready.

2. I only became "blunt" when I was done with this guy. I was no longer trying to work it out.

3. For what it's worth, this guy does not come from an English speaking country and has nearly the same cultural background as me.

Please let's leave my culture, my "personality" or anything personal out of it.

February 7, 2016

ES can verify my memory, but this is a guy she started another thread about. She was concerned if he was for real since he had a recent history of hooking up and claimed to be done with them. She was concerned about the jack of contact. (Oops, lack of contact... But maybe jack of contact is a better description, lol). I wasn't keen on him, but thought she might give it some time.

Flash forward...It was in the current thread where she mentioned him saying with a smirk that he could close his Tinder account now. This was on their third date or so. Tinder is for hookups. So much for being tired of hookups. (Rolling eyes).

Hmmm.. even she was struck by his blatant insincerity on that part. I think if it weren't for that interaction, and his self professed history, she might be a little more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt with the at home date thing.

When he pushed for it again, after his little apology, I am like...oh HELL no.

This is why it's so important to NOT start a brand new thread re the same situation, same guy.

Had she simply updated her previous thread with this new info, there would be less confusion.

I had no idea about *any* of what went down previously. When I read a thread, I don't go checking history.

Anyway, having just read the previous thread, he does sound a bit skeevy.

February 7, 2016

On your original question: yes, you are overreacting. A lot. Whatever the reason is, it hindered your chances for a relationship with this man, which is ok because you don't like him anyway.

I'd like to elaborate a bit more on this. It seems she is unwilling to see him in a fair, objective light. In which case, it's better to just end things. However, the points being made are worth considering beyond the situation with this man, because he's our example, but not the reason the points are significant.

February 7, 2016

This has nothing to with my bluntness or my cultural background.

To re-iterate:

1. Through all my years and years of dating, this is only the second time in my life where I said that I want to wait for sex. Every other time I would just dodge the situations that would lead to sex until I was ready.

2. I only became "blunt" when I was done with this guy. I was no longer trying to work it out.

3. For what it's worth, this guy does not come from an English speaking country and has nearly the same cultural background as me.

Please let's leave my culture, my "personality" or anything personal out of it.

Good for you, ES. Support you 100%.

Very sorry you had to deal with this. I think you had every right to be annoyed and disappointed. I am not sure why the others here are so hard to convince, but oh well. I think you did the right thing, for what it's worth.

February 7, 2016

Agreed 100%.

Each of us has unique set of quirks. It is only an issue if we reject seeing them and repeat the same mistake over and over.

In this tread I see rejection and fear of men, also confidence issues. The rest is fluff.

I'd like to elaborate a bit more on this. It seems she is unwilling to see him in a fair, objective light. In which case, it's better to just end things. However, the points being made are worth considering beyond the situation with this man, because he's our example, but not the reason the points are significant.

February 7, 2016

Agreed 100%.

Each of us has unique set of quirks. It is only an issue if we reject seeing them and repeat the same mistake over and over.

In this tread I see rejection and fear of men, also confidence issues. The rest is fluff.

Nonsense.

Avoiding liars and users has nothing to do with 'fear' or lack of confidence. its called good judgement.

Guys like the one OP posted about will simply have to learn how to walk the walk, not just talk the talk, if he wants women like ES to give him a chance.

February 7, 2016

Nonsense.

Avoiding liars and users has nothing to do with 'fear' or lack of confidence. its called good judgement.

Guys like the one OP posted about will simply have to learn how to walk the walk, not just talk the talk, if he wants women like ES to give him a chance.

Based solely on what we have here, he handled everything well, and is worth pursuing further. Again, just based on what is here, she made the mistakes, and has an unwillingness to move beyond any things she perceives as errors on his part. She is judging him against something unattainable - her idea of perfection.

February 7, 2016

Now I'm tempted to do a deep forensic analysis of every line of text to search for hidden meanings.

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