Am I over-reacting?

February 7, 2016

Eternal Sunshine.

I really think he's trying. Yes he got it wrong but he's genuinely trying. Give him another chance.

Although at this point I do think that you are far too annoyed by him to even consider his contrition. You may have lost your ability to see past your own anger / frustration / annoyance / whatever negative emotion is going on with you. Your comment that you don't like to be told what to do, while completely understandable & valid, seemed too blunt & too harsh to me.

Have you considered that those aspects of your personality where you are very direct & forthright come across to the men you are meeting as "permission" to be more direct with you & just throw the request for early sex out there?

Agree completely.

[] I really encourage anyone to be mindful of the amount of negativity it's possible to be surrounded with on this board, all of which just breeds more negativity, and doesn't focus on objective contemplation of the reality of a situation and the 2 flawed human beings experiencing it.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

attidude

Thank you, kind stranger. Wishing you a lovely Sunday.

February 7, 2016

Your responses to this person come as extremely rude. If you really want something serious with this person, I think you should counter his offer and take HIM out[]

He apologised.

Texted me today and said: "look I am sorry if I offended you but I felt like things were moving forward between us and that would be a nice way to spend an evening together"

Me: "so you weren't joking?"

Him: "no it was a real suggestion"
Me: "I really don't like being told what to do."
Him: "I would be more than happy for you to come to my place. I will cook for you and no sex :)"

Sigh.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

Thank you, kind stranger. Wishing you a lovely Sunday.

And back at you. I'll take you out for a beer sometime.

Or beverage of your choice.

February 7, 2016

And back at you. I'll take you out for a beer sometime.

Or beverage of your choice.

Make it a virtual cocktail, and you can consider me smitten.

Always lovely to make a new acquaintance with a good attitude towards life's ups and downs.

February 7, 2016

I noticed some overly personalized content pointed both at the thread starter and membership in general, along with the beginnings of personal chatting so will remind folks to remain on the topic, which here apparently is a dating situation and the thread starter's reaction to it. Thanks!

February 7, 2016

He now said: please let me take you out for dinner and theatre after to make it up to you.

That doesn't change the fact that he seems to be looking for a live in maid. And has a history of hookups. And is barely at the get to know you stage and can't behave himself or control what comes out if his mouth.

So, he wants another shot at pushing more limits, or treating you disrespectfully. They always do.

Blech.

February 7, 2016

That doesn't change the fact that he seems to be looking for a live in maid. And has a history of hookups. And is barely at the get to know you stage and can't behave himself or control what comes out if his mouth.

So, he wants another shot at pushing more limits, or treating you disrespectfully. They always do.

Blech.

Based on what do you claim he wants a live-in maid? I am strongly against the trend in men to be lazy and unwilling when it comes to housework, but haven't seen anything indicative of that in the thread.

"They always do" <<< what does this mean? Which limit has he pushed? They are 2 flawed people getting to know each other, and making incidental mistakes on the way. Of course, they may be unsuited in general, but I haven't read anything that has stuck out as odd to me here (perfection is impossible in people and situations).

February 7, 2016

Eternal Sunshine.

I really think he's trying. Yes he got it wrong but he's genuinely trying. Give him another chance.

Although at this point I do think that you are far too annoyed by him to even consider his contrition. You may have lost your ability to see past your own anger / frustration / annoyance / whatever negative emotion is going on with you. Your comment that you don't like to be told what to do, while completely understandable & valid, seemed too blunt & too harsh to me.

Have you considered that those aspects of your personality where you are very direct & forthright come across to the men you are meeting as "permission" to be more direct with you & just throw the request for early sex out there?

You have got to be kidding me. There is nothing in what she posted here that invited his request for early sex. Not a damn thing.

Please... As someone who stated earlier that this was never a situation you have been in, maybe blaming her for his lack of couth isn't called for.

NWIH would I give this guy another shot. Holy cow, how low have our standards as women gotten where we'd let this pass??

This is NOT a misunderstanding. This is a guy, being an *ss and seeing what he can get away with. Not someone who genuinely wants to get to know ES and cares even a little about her. Oh, and the Tinder thing? Mr. Is tired of hookups?

Christ people, open your eyes!! Gaeta is right. Persistence doesn't pass for caring in my world either.

February 7, 2016

You have got to be kidding me. There is nothing in what she posted here that invited his request for early sex. Not a damn thing.

Please... As someone who stated earlier that this was never a situation you have been in, maybe blaming her for his lack of couth isn't called for.

NWIH would I give this guy another shot. Holy cow, how low have our standards as women gotten where we'd let this pass??

This is NOT a misunderstanding. This is a guy, being an *ss and seeing what he can get away with. Not someone who genuinely wants to get to know ES and cares even a little about her. Oh, and the Tinder thing? Mr. Is tired of hookups?

Christ people, open your eyes!! Gaeta is right. Persistence doesn't pass for caring in my world either.

The problem with posts like this is you are advocating your (very extreme) reaction as the right one for everyone, and condeming anyone who thinks differently, despite such an extreme reaction not being required right now. Nothing dramatic has happened. They are just getting to know each other. Both are figuring each other out. Objectively, he has done nothing wrong, so she could keep an interest in seeing where it leads, but, if she is not going to open herself up to seeing him in a positive light, she should just end it.

February 7, 2016

Based on what do you claim he wants a live-in maid? I am strongly against the trend in men to be lazy and unwilling when it comes to housework, but haven't seen anything indicative of that in the thread.

"They always do" <<< what does this mean? Which limit has he pushed? They are 2 flawed people getting to know each other, and making incidental mistakes on the way. Of course, they may be unsuited in general, but I haven't read anything that has stuck out as odd to me here (perfection is impossible in people and situations).

[] He tried to invite himself over to her place, and suggested she cook for him. Then followed up with more questions asking if she can cook.

Then asked again for an in house date.

Then finally, FINALLY backed off and suggested something that wasn't at his place or hers.

Oh, and 'they always do'. People who push limits get a kick out of pushing limits. That's their MO and style of relating.

If you want a relationship based on shared intimacy and TRUST, you avoid the button pushers and limit testers. Period. I don't see how this guy has done squat to develop trust. Not even a little.

ES has been more than patient with his ridiculous college boy antics. Stick a fork in it. Done.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

He didn't push limits. He hasn't pushed for sex. It's entirely normal to go to people's homes to eat, when you are getting to know them. Sex isn't something women should have to endure, so we don't need to act like she is a victim at his mercy. The 2 can talk about waiting for physical intimacy etc. She expressed discomfort at cooking for him. He suggested 2 other plans. He reacted objectively well. Misunderstandings and miscommunication is common amongst flawed people. How we handle those situations is what's important.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

You know, it is a shame that the exchange described in the OP was VIA TEXT.

Never, never, would I discuss anything regarding sex via text. It's sad that it got that far.

I'm curious how it would have played out in a real conversation.

My husband had said some really stupid things, made huge gaffs, but all in person. It's so much easier to read, interpret, and hash it out, on the spot. For better or worse. It's been almost four years since he made 'the big one', the one that could have, maybe should have, put an end to us. But we were able to see, immediately, how we were each (mis)interpreting things.

Don't know what to tell you, ES. I sense that you're already too annoyed to give him another chance.

February 7, 2016

The problem with posts like this is you are advocating your (very extreme) reaction as the right one for everyone, and condeming anyone who thinks differently, despite such an extreme reaction not being required right now. Nothing dramatic has happened. They are just getting to know each other. Both are figuring each other out. Objectively, he has done nothing wrong, so she could keep an interest in seeing where it leads, but, if she is not going to open herself up to seeing him in a positive light, she should just end it.

For a guy claiming to be 'tired of hookups' he has done everything wrong.

I am sure he would be a perfect match for a woman who likes cooking, being told what to do, and having non exclusive sex with strangers.

Since ES has already said that's not what she's looking for, it seems ridiculous to continue.

A positive light would be her not getting discouraged, and finding someone else she is more compatible with. What is sad, is that I am quite sure she told this guy what she is looking for, and he decided to push anyway. THAT is my problem... And the entirely diengenuous way he's conducted himself so far.

She told him she wanted to wait, and yet he still wanted her to come over to his place. I so call BS on that. Any guy who was sincere, would have totally backed away from the in house date (if there was a misunderstanding)... And likely never would have been the one to bring it up in the first place.

Edited February 7, 2016 by RedRobin

February 7, 2016

For a guy claiming to be 'tired of hookups' he has done everything wrong.

I am sure he would be a perfect match for a woman who likes cooking, being told what to do, and having non exclusive sex with strangers.

Since ES has already said that's not what she's looking for, it seems ridiculous to continue.

A positive light would be her not getting discouraged, and finding someone else she is more compatible with. What is sad, is that I am quite sure she told this guy what she is looking for, and he decided to push anyway. THAT is my problem... And the entirely diengenuous way he's conducted himself so far.

She told him she wanted to wait, and yet he still wanted her to come over to his place. I so call BS on that. Any guy who was sincere, would have totally backed away from the in house date (if there was a misunderstanding)... And likely never would have been the one to bring it up in the first place.

I don't agree with any of this at all. He hasn't behaved at all badly, from my perspective.

February 7, 2016

I sense that you're already too annoyed to give him another chance.

I think that's what the issue is

February 7, 2016

He didn't push limits. He hasn't pushed for sex. It's entirely normal to go to people's homes to eat, when you are getting to know them. Sex isn't something women should have to endure, so we don't need to act like she is a victim at his mercy. The 2 can talk about waiting for physical intimacy etc. She expressed discomfort at cooking for him. He suggested 2 other plans. He reacted objectively well. Misunderstandings and miscommunication is common amongst flawed people. How we handle those situations is what's important.

[] It wasn't until his in house plan (twice) fell on its face that he suggested going out.

... And don't start with the guilt trip and 'sex isn't something women should have to endure' thing.

What they shouldn't have to endure is men who can't be bothered to get to know the women he dates before applying this pressure. Whether you like it or not, she's on 'notice'. The guy has made it clear in so many words that if she doesn't put out in a date or two, he's walking. That's his style, and that's his pattern. She can now look forward to every date now becoming about when they eff... Not getting to know each other. That is the number one reason I advise those who are looking for relationships to avoid those who either aren't, or don't have a history of it. He told her early on that he has mostly been into hookups recently, backed by his tinder comment... Now this.

There is no build up to real intimacy here. He's an *ss. Or just a guy looking for other things.... Not a real relationship.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

Hey, why so much frustration?

I'm a woman that doesn't cook, and well, it is not something to be proud of. When my BF is away, I end up eating "healthy" canned food or take outs, I actually wish I could be better in the kitchen

He NEVER asked her for sex, and even if so, what's the big deal? That's a well-kept-secret, right, that MOST people (men AND women) dating will want sex in a certain point if they like their date. Whether it is going to be on date 3 or 300, really has no bearing on the potential for a relationship, actually one strategy of players is to wait longer to fake seriousness.

I mentioned earlier, if he paid for the 3 dates in a row that they had, maybe the cook-at-home suggestion was a reminder for her to reciprocate. Nothing stopped her from saying "I'm not a good cook, but I'll treat you to dinner out, are you cool with that?" and then she'll know if he really wanted to have sex with her (not a crime if he is not forcing her), or just wanting her to show some reciprocation.

For a guy claiming to be 'tired of hookups' he has done everything wrong.

I am sure he would be a perfect match for a woman who likes cooking, being told what to do, and having non exclusive sex with strangers.

Since ES has already said that's not what she's looking for, it seems ridiculous to continue.

A positive light would be her not getting discouraged, and finding someone else she is more compatible with. What is sad, is that I am quite sure she told this guy what she is looking for, and he decided to push anyway. THAT is my problem... And the entirely diengenuous way he's conducted himself so far.

She told him she wanted to wait, and yet he still wanted her to come over to his place. I so call BS on that. Any guy who was sincere, would have totally backed away from the in house date (if there was a misunderstanding)... And likely never would have been the one to bring it up in the first place.

February 7, 2016

This.

If more women knew how to treat their men right as Midwest does her own man, marriages would be so much for the better. He is a lucky man. Or future man if she is in between relationships right now. Though with her attitude she will not be on the market for long.

Any way here is a link for all the women on LS looking for Mr Right. Good luck hunting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDCkuuRf4Yg

I thought she was kidding. Although it's nice when both partners do that sort of thing for each other.

February 7, 2016

That doesn't change the fact that he seems to be looking for a live in maid. And has a history of hookups. And is barely at the get to know you stage and can't behave himself or control what comes out if his mouth.

So, he wants another shot at pushing more limits, or treating you disrespectfully. They always do.

Blech.

I don't understand the sigh. He offered an alternative, involving him doing all the work, showing acceptance that you "don't like being told what to do". That was nice in my eyes, and I'm wondering why you aren't appreciate (regardless of whether you decide to continue getting to know him). Now he has suggested yet something else to do. I don't understand why you are complaining about him here, but doing nothing to affect the actual situation. Either make an effort with him, or end it.

---

****Real life involves overcoming misunderstandings and conflict with a forgiving frame of mind, not holding past bitterness against people. It's only fair to allow people to grow and change, as you'd expect the same courtesy for yourself, I think.

Last paragraph -- right on!

The entire post but last paragraph is particularly right on.

February 7, 2016

I don't agree with any of this at all. He hasn't behaved at all badly, from my perspective.

Sure, well... People brought up in the hookup culture or ones where it's the woman's job to set limits, and it's the man's job to push them...don't see anything wrong with it, and don't have a clue how it affects their ability to establish relationships.

Then they wonder why they can't seem to ever connect with anyone or make anything last.... Or wonder why the relationships they do have are filled with contention and drama.

Me personally, I am not a fan of men who push. I don't view them as someone looking for a partner or someone with good judgement. I get the sense that ES is looking for a partner. Sad.... But I don't see it in this guy.

February 7, 2016

You have got to be kidding me. There is nothing in what she posted here that invited his request for early sex. Not a damn thing.

Please... As someone who stated earlier that this was never a situation you have been in, maybe blaming her for his lack of couth isn't called for.

NWIH would I give this guy another shot. Holy cow, how low have our standards as women gotten where we'd let this pass??

This is NOT a misunderstanding. This is a guy, being an *ss and seeing what he can get away with. Not someone who genuinely wants to get to know ES and cares even a little about her. Oh, and the Tinder thing? Mr. Is tired of hookups?

Christ people, open your eyes!! Gaeta is right. Persistence doesn't pass for caring in my world either.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

The guy asked for early sex. ES said no. He apologized -- repeatedly.

In their exchanges I found her statements to be more inappropriate then his. That is my opinion. You, she & Gaeta might not share it. That's OK but your differing point of view doesn't negate my opinion.

I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances. ES said she thought he was insincere. Based on what she posted here, I challenged that conclusion because honestly I don't see it. I see a guy who is trying a bunch of women who want to eviscerate the guy because he had the temerity to suggest a home cooked dinner together. Granted his word choice -- making it a demand rather than a request -- was bad but again, he is trying.

She -- and you -- can date or not date anybody you want.

My opinion is that ES isn't helping the situation here.

Unlike you I haven't attacked anybody. I made suggestions & observations.

I shared that I never met a man as an adult even on OLD who seemed to only want sex. I'm not naïve or sheltered. I dated a lot. So I find it interesting that other women have the experience of only meeting jerks. Heck the 3 guys I met off OLD bought me dinner. All were respectful & interesting on paper. None made my motor run but they were all good, solid gentleman. One of my dear friends who happens to be a psychologist once commented to me that she never knew a woman before me who knew so man genuinely good guys. I always thought it was my attitude: I have self respect & assume that you are going to treat me like a lady. It has never failed. But I'm gracious about. While I draw clear boundaries I don't bite people's heads off for missteps.

Even if this guy isn't treating ES the way she wants, that is no excuse for her or anybody to stoop to the lower level & meet rudeness with escalating rudeness. Her responses are fueling the problem, not advancing toward a solution.

February 7, 2016

[] It wasn't until his in house plan (twice) fell on its face that he suggested going out.

... And don't start with the guilt trip and 'sex isn't something women should have to endure' thing.

What they shouldn't have to endure is men who can't be bothered to get to know the women he dates before applying this pressure. Whether you like it or not, she's on 'notice'. The guy has made it clear in so many words that if she doesn't put out in a date or two, he's walking. That's his style, and that's his pattern. She can now look forward to every date now becoming about when they eff... Not getting to know each other. That is the number one reason I advise those who are looking for relationships to avoid those who either aren't, or don't have a history of it. He told her early on that he has mostly been into hookups recently, backed by his tinder comment... Now this.

There is no build up to real intimacy here. He's an *ss. Or just a guy looking for other things.... Not a real relationship.

I cook for people often. I have cooked for my new man, and we haven't even kissed yet! I was out with him and his best friends a few nights ago. I'd happily cook for all of them. I'm renowned for my cooking, and love to cook for people occasionally. If I didn't feel like cooking, I'd suggest another plan or say no. What I wouldn't do is moan about it on the internet, or interpret it as someone wanting just sex. It never entered my mind that my new man would push sex, because he is respectful and we are just getting to know each other. However, if it gets to the point of consideration, it will be because we both want it. Sex is about 2 partners, not 1.

Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2016

Honestly, it sounds to me more than anything that this guy was attempting to apply PUA 101

This is Instance #1747337923 on how it is a bad idea to be too edgy or whatever over text. I get that a lot of people on here are taking this guy's stupid remarks as an indictment on his entire character. I don't go that far, as we all say dumb things from time to time. There is quite a chance that this was just his attempt at banter. HOWEVER, I can also see why a woman would rather be safe and decide to not see the guy again after a comment like that.

Factors as far as whether you should see him again include how much you liked him before that remark and whether he makes a decent attempt to course-correct--e.g., realize he gaffed and come up w a better idea ect.

I thought this might be the case, as well (your first sentence). I wondered if he'd listened to the guys that say you should show a woman who's boss, and they'll swoon.

February 7, 2016

Sure, well... People brought up in the hookup culture or ones where it's the woman's job to set limits, and it's the man's job to push them...don't see anything wrong with it, and don't have a clue how it affects their ability to establish relationships.

Then they wonder why they can't seem to ever connect with anyone or make anything last.... Or wonder why the relationships they do have are filled with contention and drama.

Me personally, I am not a fan of men who push. I don't view them as someone looking for a partner or someone with good judgement. I get the sense that ES is looking for a partner. Sad.... But I don't see it in this guy.

He didn't push. He asked about dinner. She was afriad he meant sex. She mentioned that. He said that wasn't what he meant. This is just normal communication. He didn nothing wrong. He cleared the fog.

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