Young wife void of a sex drive

[Johnsmith1003]

Thank you oldshirt, these above sound most appropriate in my case. If she hears the kid, that sessions fun is over. She also beats herself up for failing to initiate breastfeeding. Kid wouldn't latch. She beats herself up with it when frankly, I'm just glad he got some type of nutrition at all. She's too hung up on where it came from, despite me telling her more often than not women have problems with breastfeeding at all. And like you said, if she entertains me now, it's a good sign for later. I tend to agree.

 

And I hope you appreciate what a genuinely loving act on her to part to recognize how different your needs currently are from hers. For many partners, if they're not interested in sex, you won't be getting any either.

 

She sounds like a generous spirit and a keeper. Don't make the mistake of focusing solely on what you don't have...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

By all accounts I'm very aware I'm the lucky one out. I don't take advantage of this but by the sheer comparison of "others not getting it" isn't enough of a reason for me to just go "eh".

[Johnsmith1003]

Life is cruel.

 

This isn't some Greek drama "woe is me" poetic stuff. It's a question

[Johnsmith1003]

You met 4 years ago, have a 2 year old child. I'm going to take a guess and say that you married and conceived while still in the infatuation/limerence phase of your relationship.

 

During those early months, up to 1-2 years in, there are all sorts of happy hormones and chemicals released during your interactions. This often means frequent and intense sex.

 

With time, the hormone happy dies down a bit and the couple usually reaches some kind of baseline with occasional peaks and valleys.

 

It's entirely possible that your wife was more interested in sex and kinkier back then because she was under the influence of infatuation/limerence. Now that you have passed that phase, she has reached her baseline and this is just how she is.

 

Could also be she is so busy between being a wife, mother, student, etc. that she just doesn't think about sex very often.

 

And, of course, out of whack hormones or damage from the pregnancy and delivery could also be culprits.

 

Definitely talk to her and see if she would be willing to talk to her doctor and investigate possibilities.

 

The million dollar question is will you be happy being married to this woman for the next 40+ years if it turns out there is nothing wrong with her physically and she just isn't much into sex, but is willing to accommodate you?

 

See it's not a deal breaker. I can go the next 40 years without the spunk, just "possibility" is nice to ponder. I like sex but the memories we share are easily more important to me.

[TX-SC]

It sounds like your wife is very similar to mine. We married when I was 26 and she was 21. My wife is not big into sex. It's just not who she is. I've known this from the beginning. Throughout our marriage, we average sex maybe once or twice per month. She can climax, but like your wife, she says she can live with it or without it. She too finds sex kind of nasty and gross, but she doesn't complain about it too much. She wants to want it more, but she has no drive. She has been checked by a doctor several times but her hormon levels are fine. We have two daughters (12 and 14) and we own a business together, so all of that DOES add stress. Occassionally, she gets really turned on and we have a great time. Surprisingly, according to my BILs, her sisters LOVE sex. Go figure... But, I would not trade my wife for anyone. I dearly love her.

 

Sex is important, it really is. But, it's not the MOST important aspect of a marriage. My wife loves to snuggle, is a great mother, and she loves me unconditionally. We have been married for 20 years now. I would have sex daily if she was interested. But, I want her to be happy too. So, we do it much less. I enjoy it so much when we do have sex. So, I guess spreading it out just makes it more special when we do get physical.

 

Aside from her being checked for hormonal issues, I recommend not pushing the issue. Be there for her and enjoy the other aspects of your marriage. Perhaps her drive will change over time. But don't drive a wedge between the two of you by either being resentful or demanding too much. Seek out a compromise that works for both of you.

 

You are not alone. There are others I have talked to who have similar issues. I've talked to women who have husbands who don't want sex too. There is a huge variety of needs in this world; some need sex, some don't.

Edited February 6, 2016 by TX-SC

[Johnsmith1003]

It sounds like your wife is very similar to mine. We married when I was 26 and she was 21. My wife is not big into sex. It's just not who she is. I've known this from the beginning. Throughout our marriage, we average sex maybe once or twice per month. She can climax, but like your wife, she says she can live with it or without it. She too finds sex kind of nasty and gross, but she doesn't complain about it too much. She wants to want it more, but she has no drive. She has been checked by a doctor several times but her hormon levels are fine. We have two daughters (12 and 14) and we own a business together, so all of that DOES add stress. Occassionally, she gets really turned on and we have a great time. Surprisingly, according to my BILs, her sisters LOVE sex. Go figure... But, I would not trade my wife for anyone. I dearly love her.

 

Sex is important, it really is. But, it's not the MOST important aspect of a marriage. My wife loves to snuggle, is a great mother, and she loves me unconditionally. We have been married for 20 years now. I would have sex daily if she was interested. But, I want her to be happy too. So, we do it much less. I enjoy it so much when we do have sex. So, I guess spreading it out just makes it more special when we do get physical.

 

Aside from her being checked for hormonal issues, I recommend not pushing the issue. Be there for her and enjoy the other aspects of your marriage. Perhaps her drive will change over time. But don't drive a wedge between the two of you by either being resentful or demanding too much. Seek out a compromise that works for both of you.

 

You are not alone. There are others I have talked to who have similar issues. I've talked to women who have husbands who don't want sex too. There is a huge variety of needs in this world; some need sex, some don't.

Absolutely wonderful story. Thank you for not being accusatory. you understand. No I would never leave my wife on lack of sex because she too enjoys cuddling and we do other fun things so it's not a dealbreaker

[carhill]

 

Then the sex. I just have no idea here. She hardly ever has a sex drive. She doesn't mind if she doesn't orgasm. She finds sex afterward gross (maybe in a tease way but nonetheless...).

 

It's OK to have no idea. She may have no idea either. It's brain chemistry, largely out of our control, though we can make conscious choices.

Don't get me wrong, she'll pleasure me nearly any time I request it, she just doesn't want it.

Good, get used to requesting and keep on keeping on, as well as treating her in your usual and customary loving manner outside the bedroom.

 

Idk if it's stress (hardly, while that's a factor I do my best to even it out with fun activities) or weight gain (not sudden). She says she became apathetic to it after our son because it's now viewed by her as exclusive baby making and not something to have fun with. Idk if it's post partum depression or what. Again, we get along great and she does like pleasuring me but on her end its easily take it or leave it. Hell, she hardly even masturbates.

If she wants to investigate that, as evidenced by her response to your asking such questions outside the bedroom, support her. Otherwise, let it go. Revisit later.

 

Sex before kid, she had more spunk and was more kinky. Can someone shed some light? If you want answers instead of assuming, please just ask. Thank you.

That little person changes things. We each respond to it uniquely. You both apparently do not want to have another child, right now anyway. Your perspective changed because, prior, apparently you did want to have the child you have now. That's normal. Expect change throughout your marriage.

 

Getting back to the sex thing, sex begets sex and abstinence begets abstinence. Get used to asking and work the rest as it presents itself. My bet is things will work out over time and your sex, and love, life will be more robust than you had imagined.

[HopeForTomorrow]

I do agree that having kids changes things, but it shouldn't be (hormonally anyway) 2 years later. It does change the focus though.

 

Sex is too important to a relationship/marriage to go without it, so I understand your concern. Only time will tell if she continues to be willing to give you what you need. 22 is young to stop being interested in sex. For me, my interest increased as I got out of my 20's; I hope that is the case for the two of you too (that is the case for many women). Just don't let intimacy lose priority in your marriage.

[Winterina]

I also did not have sex drive when I was with my ex. We had too many issues that stressed me out and depressed me. We broke up a month or so ago and all the stress wore off. My libido is through the roof and I wish it were a bit lower.

Maybe when things settle for her and she calms down things will go back to normal

[ShatteredLady]

My group of female friends have been to a hormone specialist. Not the basic tests done by a GP. It all started with one friend. She was very depressed by her lack of libido...she was found to be out of balance & sorting that changed everything. She described herself as having the sex drive of a teenage boy!!!

 

The balance of being a Mum AND sexual is hard for a lot of women. Remember being told that men can be turned on in a second but women need 'warming up'? It's very true when your body has changed, you're exhausted, you're a Mum...the opposite of sexy all day. Be more sexy & more romantic.

 

Another one which some of my friends swear by is scheduling sex!! Basically, we will NOT have sex tonight but we will make-out, have a massage, a bath... Sensual but not sexual things to relax & enjoy eachother. No matter how much we want it we won't have sex until Saturday. I've never tried this but some say it works wonders.

 

It sounds like you guys are deeply in love. Things ebb & flow. I've been married 20 years this year, together 26 years. Just love eachother. Kids change so much. We used to joke that our son was a walking contraceptive!!

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "sex begets sex and abstinence begets abstinence." soooooo true!!!