[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[ShatteredLady]

You said that you were incredibly depressed. Let yourself go. Gained 20lbs & was very isolated. You criticize your husband for being a perfectionist & wanting the house & you, his W a certain way. I'd say it's you who wanted to be sexy, young & perfect. You can't look 30 forever!

 

Now you're talking about how young & sexy you look. How 'in-shape' you are but you weren't when this relationship started. Were you?

 

Teenagers don't send inappropriate sexual messages to friends MOTHERS! A mother in her 50's should make him fear a punishment!! You MUST of been behaving in an inappropriate manner to open the door.

 

I really don't know what's going on with you. Do you think that you're getting depressed again? Do you need more help than you're letting on?

 

Before you blow your marriage up think about how you viewed your M & your life a year before this happened.

 

You don't sound consistent in what you're saying. You're hinting at some unconventional aspects to your marriage. You love your H. You have no regrets for your adultery & romanticize it with "My young lover". I feel like I'm missing something here & I'm feeling sorry for you despite the fact you're showing no remorse for cruel, selfish, totally thoughtless behavior.....almost like you deserve it for being good & faithful for so long.

[OneLov]

OP

 

I feel bad for you and your situation too. Your posts sound like you really are unhappy in your life. Obviously, you cannot change what happened and whether you choose to tell your family about the affair is ultimately your decision (for now). But going forward, you can start doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and your family. If you're not happy in your marriage then communicate your dissatisfaction. If you do not want to reconcile your marriage; you should consider going to see an attorney. But be honest in your dealings.

[Mr Blunt]

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

You say you love your husband but you desire the teenager. Love involves commitment, loyalty, and trust and you have violated all three. Your actions are that you want to have another man besides your husband and your children agree that you should separate from your husband. What is stopping you from divorce?

 

 

You are a silly immature woman that has been starved for affection. You would be an easy pickup and good for a few one night stands. In fact that is what your boy-toy did; he used you for 14 one night stands. I do not want to be too hard on you but you have to realize that truth. The truth is that you are not a real marketable woman in today’s world. You are over 50 years old, you have two children, and you are a betrayer. A good and wise man is not going to be wanting to marry you or put his trust in you.

 

 

 

 

I think that you have been honest on this thread about your affair and that you are very unhappy in your marriage. In addition, you need to get the right kind of help so that you can get your mixed up emotions and mind in a better condition. You have told us how your husband has treated you and according to you he has failed you miserably. You can still have a good life but stop with your fantasies. You can probably still find some happiness but do not expect it to be like your short affair with the teenager. The excitement that you had with toy-boy cannot be long term so adjust yourself for reality and find out what kind of happiness is possible for you.

 

 

You have done a trashy thing but you are not trash. You have been a faithful wife and mother for 25 years but you have damaged yourself with your adultery. You can still rebuild and have a good life. Be determined to get the right help and be prepared to do a lot of hard work at rebuilding for a long time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some of you men are salty as my son would say

Maybe an 18 yr old man is more a man than some of the men that are writing

Maybe more woman would do what I did if things weren't so one sided actually it's been 7 months and not a word

I may decide to tell the truth

 

People have closed minds and closed hearts

 

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

 

Blah ha ha. A cheater's last bastion after blaming everyone else for her moral and ethical failure: insult those who are merely providing some sense to the situation.

 

I am a WOMAN and I find your behaviour absolutely repugnant.

 

You brought your AP around your family, a young person, in a high-risk way. The fact that there even was a young person AP is so completely messed up, its amazing you take ZERO responsibility for that.

 

I am 33. I couldnt lower myself to dating a man under 20. It's manipulative, low. We all know that overall this person is just a kid without much life experience under his belt. It's practically predatory, legal or not.

 

Plus this is a friend to your children!? That has a HUGE effect on kids. If he doesn't tell, you are LUCKY. But more so your own child who really really doesn't deserve this. As the daughter of an adulterer (who didn't rob a cradle BTW) I can tell you that having a cheating parent was a total psychological disaster for me, trust-wise etc.

 

I am always wondering what weird-arsed deviancy I inherited from the SOB. Will I get older and just burn my own house down for 14 "better than my husband" encounters? Do I have that kind of Demon lurking? Or is that a male thing? Will this be what mid-life with my husband look like?

 

Nice. Good job Mom. Risk your child's family unit and basic sense of security to screw another kid they know. Nice.

 

"People have closed minds and hearts."

 

No, we have closed LEGS, to preserve ours and our family's well-being. Being loyal for 25 years doesn't buy you a Golden Ticket to the Genital Amusement Park. Grow up.

 

I suffered through an actual abusive and adulterous relationship and committed to not dating / screwing anyone until DIVORCE happened. How incredibly undignifying to EVERYONE involved to not do so.

 

Sure you've "suffered" and "sacrificed." So what do adults do when something isn't working? Do they mix up genitalia with someone else because that magically solves problems? Or do they work on the ACTUAL ISSUES? And come up with ACTUAL SOLUTIONS?

Because seriously, has this affair actually improved any of those issues? Or do you still have a husband that kicks back on his recliner because you made him a nice meal etc.?

 

Seems like you got left with the same situation you had BEFORE the affair. Because you didn't DEAL WITH THE ACTUAL ISSUE. Now all you have a is "A SAD" because you can't go play pretend High School with your little friend anymore. And if course your husband won't "measure up." Despite the fact that he met enough of your needs or lifestyle for you to spend years of inertia with him. Now he's 'the Devil' compared to Loverboy. I'm sure hormones gave nothing to do with that.

 

And that is not the problem of the men and women of this forum. Those are your problems. That you alone created. In fact, I doubt you will end your marriage. People who cheat tend not to because its all about their comfort. You aren't going to make yourself purposely more uncomfortable. You like your home base. If someone else came along and offered you an even more comfy home base, I bet you'd dive on it. But home is "ugh, fiiiiine" for now. You'll 'tolerate' home and marriage until you get a chance to try again with your unicorn and rainbow happiness.

 

Because it's evident you feel little to no remorse whatsoever and have come up with some non-original ways to justify your behaviour.

 

There is no actual excuse by the way. Examine your actions a little more thoroughly. I'm.not even sure counseling would help.

[elaine567]

You were depressed and isolated and in a boring, dry marriage that was going nowhere fast, along comes a drop of fresh spring water and you suck it up like a sponge. Suddenly life has meaning and instead of looking decrepitude and death in the eye, which was where you were headed, you suddenly look and feel 30 again.

OK it wasn't right to cheat, but you need to use this experience to turn your life around and keep moving forward.

Staying in a dead end marriage, especially one that has been rocked by infidelity is hard, very hard and all I see ahead, is you forever being sorry, and your husband holding that over you forever too.

Ahead for you, is more depression and loneliness, especially in a high rise.?????

Divorce, and move on, is my advice.

[aliveagain]

Some of you men are salty as my son would say

Maybe an 18 yr old man is more a man than some of the men that are writing

Maybe more woman would do what I did if things weren't so one sided actually it's been 7 months and not a word

I may decide to tell the truth

 

People have closed minds and closed hearts

 

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

 

I've tried to stay off this post for obvious reasons. This is just my opinion but I believe you have already ended your marriage, the consequences of your actions just haven't caught up to you yet but they will. Men talk, my guess is the information will get back to your children through their circle of friends first. There is absolutely nothing magical about your story, nothing at all. Have you ever watched the 60's movie with Dustin Hoffman, "Mrs. Robinson," just take away the happy ending. One day you will have to explain your actions to your husband and family. I think the child who's friend you were banging for the better part of a year will have the hardest time with this because they will blame themselves for bringing the person that broke up their parents marriage into their home.

 

You can think up all the excuses in the world but nothing will take away the selfishness of your acts or logically explain your choice of sexual partners. If we, total strangers are having a hard time understanding your actions how the hell are you going to explain them to the people that love you? Things are going to change in your life because I think it's just a matter of time before everyone you care about finds out, nothing will ever make this one go away, just my opinion. My suggestion is to get counselling to help you understand your actions and to prepare yourself on how you handle the inevitable future that will one day come your way.

[dreamingoftigers]

You were depressed and isolated and in a boring, dry marriage that was going nowhere fast, along comes a drop of fresh spring water and you suck it up like a sponge. Suddenly life has meaning and instead of looking decrepitude and death in the eye, which was where you were headed, you suddenly look and feel 30 again.

OK it wasn't right to cheat, but you need to use this experience to turn your life around and keep moving forward.

Staying in a dead end marriage, especially one that has been rocked by infidelity is hard, very hard and all I see ahead, is you forever being sorry, and your husband holding that over you forever too.

Ahead for you, is more depression and loneliness, especially in a high rise.?????

Divorce, and move on, is my advice.

 

I honestly don't see this person being sorry at all.

 

If anything highly-defensive of herself, her actions and the kid she was with.

 

This would absolutely crush her child, I guarantee it.

 

I suspect that no one will find out though. Sadly enough. Sounds VERY familiar to my father who completely rewrote his marriage and acted like he found the fountain of youth because he hit the gym for his mistress.

 

That's what hitting the gym does! It improves your appearance! Even her "not good enough" husband noticed.

 

To be blunt though, my father over-estimated his appearance as well. I'll never forget him at my great-uncle's funeral looking like an old frog saying "I guess everyone here hasn't aged as gracefully as I have" about my mother's classically handsome cousins who were in the height of grief over losing their father. Sure my Dad looked good compared to how HE usually looked. (He also brushed his hair that day, WOW!) But he still wasn't Superman and his social repore left much to be desired.

 

Getting action outside of marriage doesn't transform 54 to 30. Sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Some of you men are salty as my son would say

Maybe an 18 yr old man is more a man than some of the men that are writing

Maybe more woman would do what I did if things weren't so one sided actually it's been 7 months and not a word

I may decide to tell the truth

 

People have closed minds and closed hearts

 

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

 

IF your daughter finds out, would you tell this to justify your actions?

 

Just FYI, I'm not a (salty) man. Many have replied are actually women.

 

Also, your ex friend gave you mind blowing sex, not happiness.

 

Imagine if his parents find out?

[aliveagain]

IF your daughter finds out, would you tell this to justify your actions?

 

Just FYI, I'm not a (salty) man. Many have replied are actually women.

 

Also, your ex friend gave you mind blowing sex, not happiness.

 

Imagine if his parents find out?

 

 

I think they will find out. What are the chances that your daughter and your affair partner could start dating? What a sick thought.

[Jonah]

it's so odd to me that i'm revealing my most secret and shameful act on line like this.

allowing myself to get into this mess.

 

my young friend is a threat.

 

He can try to extort money from me through blackmailing me.

 

 

I made a horrible mistake. honestly

 

Nah... Who told you these things? Why are you thinking these things.

Its LTA and your lover has shown to be reliably kind to you, and your lover likes your cush tush. You like him wanting your cush tush. But if you are going to worry so then your cush tush ain't so cush.

 

Be light and easy. Live your life.

 

Your risk is that someday the affair will end and you will be miss the fun. But in the mean time it doesn't meant that you have to miss out on the fun.

You also risk being found out. That might suck so don't let that happen.

[SSJROMANCE]

Don't you know it's many male teens dream of getting it on with a MILF? You fell for it because of your issues with your husband and how you feel. How could you think this 18 year old would want something long term with a 54 year old? He got what he wanted you partially got what you wanted and now it's over. Unfortunately it's time to pay the piper and tell your husband.

[dreamingoftigers]

IF your daughter finds out, would you tell this to justify your actions?

 

Just FYI, I'm not a (salty) man. Many have replied are actually women.

 

Also, your ex friend gave you mind blowing sex, not happiness.

 

Imagine if his parents find out?

Or maybe your daughter gets involved with a 54 year old MM who thinks he looks 30.

 

She's "more woman than his wife" right?

 

And hey, its "acceptable" right?

 

Even more so because he's a male!

[66Charger]

If there is any part of you that thinks this was ok and that this teenager is mature and could make the right decisions, then spend a little time on this thought.

 

Your daughter, who is the same age of your AP, with a 54 year old man.

 

In love and having sex with him. 14 times. Doing all the things you did with the boy, with a man old enough to be her grandfather. Think of her. How could you ever tell her what she Iis doing is wrong, when you justify your actions?

 

My daughter is 17+ About the same age your AP and you got freindly. Technically, I couldn't put him in jail for statutory rape, however, I would have no problem going to jail for putting this pervert down.

 

So the real question is, are you ok with your 18-19 year old daughter being in a loving, sexual relationship with a 54 year old guy.

 

There is no way you can answer this question without hypocrisy, unless you are really that twisted.

 

Btw, alot of these responses are from women. I really don't have a problem with the cougar issue, but 18? Come on now, that's a year or 2 from being a pedophile. If this gets out, your reputation will be shredded.

Edited February 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[dreamingoftigers]

If there is any part of you that thinks this was ok and that this teenager is mature and could make the right decisions, then spend a little time on this thought.

 

Your daughter, who is the same age of your AP, with a 54 year old man.

 

In love and having sex with him. 14 times. Doing all the things you did with the boy, with a man old enough to be her grandfather. Think of her. How could you ever tell her what she Iis doing is wrong, when you justify your actions?

 

My daughter is 17+ About the same age your AP and you got freindly. Technically, I couldn't put him in jail for statutory rape, however, I would have no problem going to jail for putting this pervert down.

 

So the real question is, are you ok with your 18-19 year old daughter being in a loving, sexual relationship with a 54 year old guy.

 

There is no way you can answer this question without hypocrisy, unless you are really that twisted.

 

Btw, alot of these responses are from women. I really don't have a problem with the cougar issue, but 18? Come on now, that's a year or 2 from being a pedophile. If this gets out, your reputation will be shredded.

 

My father just turned 57.

 

I can't even imagine that age gap, much less (33 & 57)

 

But to go right on the edge of maturity? Unbelievable. Ugh.

[66Charger]

Op, I think most are saying that there is a big difference than 54/18 and 54/25. No problem dating younger, but you compounded this with infidelity and with someone all your family and especially your daughter knows.

 

 

Man, that's really risky

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

What exactly is it that you want from the people in this community?

[scorpio16]

I really value all the input. I've always been a private person but feel therapy would be helpful at this time. being uneasy about therapy I chose this first.

 

I'd like to address some comments. first off. this relationship lasted 7months and was more than sex. it was a friendship as inappropriate as it is. we talked a lot and were there fore each other. I do have a lot of remorse. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night.

 

I do love my husband and we have a marriage that can be saved but he has to acknowledge there's a problem. which he has not as of yet. we have a very big house and high taxes and high cost of maintenance so an apt. would be perfect at this stage. a rental. if things don't work out we part ways.

 

As for being marketable? I have NO desire to EVER remarry. EVER. I am financially secure and do not NEED a man in that way. I have been 100 % faithful throughout my marriage and now that the fling is over intend to continue to be.

 

as inconceivable as it seems, I do love the young man. And I do trust him. I don't lose sleep worrying about him telling or extorting $$

 

my daughter and i are extremely close. She hardly new the young man and has a wonderful boyfriend of 2 years so she would never date him. I've confided in my daughter that as insane as it is, I've grown very fond of him. she just say "ew mom" and we laugh it off. I cannot bring myself to tell my family because I know it will cause them unnecessary pain.

 

I am also close to my son. we have a strong bond.

 

My marriage is under a strain because of neglect on both sides I'm sure. and lots of family stress. My mother is in nursing home with alzheimers, college tuition and high expenses. We are both professional so we can afford it but relieving ourselves of the burden of a big house will help.

 

I do thank you all. I'm not intending to sound defensive. I know what I've done is wrong and immoral and incomprehensible. I don't recognize myself in the mirror.

 

one last thing to share. I hadn't been to the gynocologist in 5 years and went to get birth control when the fling began. A cancerous mass was found and I see this young man as saving my life.

 

I will always love him. And he says he had the most amazing time of his life and learned a lot about life from me.

 

regrets? my conscience does but my heart does not.

 

thank you !

[SoulStorm]

 

I do love my husband and we have a marriage that can be saved but he has to acknowledge there's a problem.

 

Well, looks like he won't be able to acknowledge it since the extent of the problems made you think you had permission for an affair.

Your marriage problems didn't cause you to cheat..you chose that as a solution.

If you told your husband the first time you actually went all the way with mr. young stud muffin, I bet he could acknowledge there was a problem then.

 

Guess what? He will never know that there is a problem because he will never know how lonely you felt. Lonely enough to get involved with an 18/19 year old.

 

You are hiding your head in the sand and hoping your husband will notice. Your husband needs a more direct approach because he thinks things are ok.

 

He thinks that you had a young guy with a crush on you, but I bet he thought you were mature enough not to cross the line.

 

That's why he laughed it off.

 

Your husband may be a lot of things, but you have no proof he actually had an affair or fling..yet you have.

 

The reason why your husband has failed to acknowledge that there is a problem is because you have failed to effectively communicate that there is one.

 

Until your husband knows exactly what has happened in the marriage, he won't acknowledge the problem and that lies squarely on you. He thinks the marriage is just fine. How sad. If he only knew.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by scorpio16

as inconceivable as it seems, I do love the young man. And I do trust him. I don't lose sleep worrying about him telling or extorting $$

I will always love him. And he says he had the most amazing time of his life and learned a lot about life from me.

 

regrets? my conscience does but my heart does not.

 

thank you !

You say that you love this boy-man. Your definition of love must be exciting illicit sex and emotions because that is all you had with this boy-toy. Why do I say that? Because of what you told us, see below

Originally posted by scorpio16

I am fully aware that this young man has zero feelings for me

The only feeling he gets from you is guilt and fear of God.

 

my lover ended it last week out of "guilt" "morals" fear of "god".

I miss him and can't bare to think I'll never see him again

You probably will see him again as you are weak and he will get horny if he cannot find another woman to hump. If he finds a younger woman that he has feelings for and can get all the sex that he needs from her you may not see him except by accident.

 

 

 

My ex-lover texted me today for first time in 10 days. To see how I am. I told him I'm sick over this out of worry about him telling people

You were probably thrilled when he texted you. Have you wondered why he texted you since you have told us that he does not have any feelings for you except guilt? I would not doubt that he made you feel like he was really concerned about you but remember what you told us; you told us that he was

“Clearly calculating and sexually manipulative …He is quite experienced and seductive”

 

I would not be surprised that he is horny and has not got an easy screw lately so he thinks that you are putty in his hands. There is a saying that we men have and that is “ a hard d!ck has no conscience” There is some truth in that saying.

 

You can frantasize and relive your excitement and sexual experiences with the boy-man but you would do yourself a lot more good by you dedicating your life to your children and getting yourself in better condition emotionally and spiritually. By what you have told us your marriage is a dry desert and it does not have a chance to get a lot better as long as you cherish those fantasy thoughts about your sex with the man-boy.

 

 

 

You can get better about your betrayal of your marriage and children but it requires you getting the right help and you doing the right things for a long time. Are you willing to do that?

Edited February 7, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[Marc878]

Hmmmmm. I wonder how quick the roof would come off if WW found out her H had an affair with her BF'S sister????

[scorpio16]

I not for one minute thought the A would ever last or become anything. I've been wreckless and immature but not delusional. I never cared if the boy toy was just looking for sex. And he can get it easily. He is gorgeous and had an incredible body. Not exaggerating

 

It happened. For me it started as a joke. I laughed him off. I didn't think for a split second that we'd ever actually do anything. I was bored and the idea of it excited me. We flirted through text for a month before we met

 

I am ashamed but he and I have talked it out and come to terms with it. He wanted to learn from an older woman and he thought it would be exciting and it was but I learned from him

 

My purpose for writing here is to try to let it out and the comments are justified and I take them seriously but I didn't commit a crime, I do love him and will take to my grave

 

But I clearly didn't think it would last. Shocked it did 7 months

[SoulStorm]

I not for one minute thought the A would ever last or become anything. I've been wreckless and immature but not delusional. I never cared if the boy toy was just looking for sex. And he can get it easily. He is gorgeous and had an incredible body. Not exaggerating

 

It happened. For me it started as a joke. I laughed him off. I didn't think for a split second that we'd ever actually do anything. I was bored and the idea of it excited me. We flirted through text for a Monty before we met

 

I am ashamed but he and I have talked it out and come to terms with it. He wanted to learn from an older woman and he thought it would be exciting and it was but I learned from him

 

My purpose for writing here is to try to let it out and the comments are justified and I take them seriously but I didn't commit a crime, I do love him and will take to my grave

 

But I clearly didn't think it would last. Shocked it did 7 months

 

Yes you did commit a crime. Maybe not one that is favoured by law, but you broke a sacred vow to your husband

 

Forsaking others for him

 

And if you believe in biblical law you broke a commandment

 

You should not commit adultery

 

Maybe you didn't break criminal laws, but you sure broke moral ones

[scorpio16]

This is true

I broke my vow and a commandment but is it better going foward to tell my family, get divorced over it or wait for my punishment from God and try to save my marriage ?

 

The past is passed

[66Charger]

He wanted to learn.

 

And you taught him to cheat.

 

A lesson he will always remember.

 

You should never allow him to be around your husband.

 

Never.

[scorpio16]

How or why would I ever have him near my husband?

 

I get that people are shocked or even repulsed but.... Things happen, life sometimes doesn't work out the way you want. I didn't look for this. Of course I should have blocked him on fb and never written him but I did...

 

And as for treating him to cheat? I think he knew that already. He was great with me but he's had a reputation of flirting, cheating and lots of girls. And yes I was checked for std's and I was always aware of the one thing he wanted from me and I didn't care. I guess as stupid and "sinful" as it was, I convinced myself it wasn't a real "affair" because of his age. Because it never could've lasted or gone anywhere.

 

But again, thanks for the input