LydiaLong Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 How does one properly word a rejection so as not to hurt someone's feelings? You can't just say, "I'm not interested in dating you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dobielover Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 How does one properly word a rejection so as not to hurt someone's feelings? You can't just say, "I'm not interested in dating you." Sure, you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 How does one properly word a rejection so as not to hurt someone's feelings? You can't just say, "I'm not interested in dating you." Lol, this is why I prefer getting faded on. Do I really need to hear an awkwardly-worded rejection when silence says exactly the same thing? Jesus, I have never felt a desire for "closure" unless it's with someone I've gotten physical with or saw more than like four times. "Uhh, yeah, I guess I'm just not feeling a spark," is just as lame/obvious/awkward as hearing nothing. Both say the exact same thing in my book. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 After one date, other than a little time, dinner, maybe a movie, no investment has been made. When one person doesn't see it going any further, why not be honest and say it was awkward or you didn't feel a connection. That's not being mean and it beats being elusive and leaving someone hanging. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I like clarity. So I am not a fan of the fade. It leaves me wondering if the other person is dead in a ditch somewhere. I'd rather be told & have a clean end point with no wondering. Most people aren't like me I'm the same here. It's doesn't have to be anything detailed after a few dates. But the ones who have sent me a text or email are the ones I respected a lot more afterward over the ones who fade and/or try to pop back up. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 After one date, other than a little time, dinner, maybe a movie, no investment has been made. When one person doesn't see it going any further, why not be honest and say it was awkward or you didn't feel a connection. That's not being mean and it beats being elusive and leaving someone hanging. I don't know. I just don't see it that way. If I don't hear something in a few days, I don't see that as being left hanging. If I want to see a guy again, I have no problem telling him so, but if we've only gone out one or two times, and he doesn't reply to my text, I'm not really waiting by the phone for it, you know? That's just my level of sensitivity—and I'm not even saying this is what I do to men, this is just how I feel for myself. If no one is asking for another date, then I don't think anything needs to be said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 You just have to let them go and put it down to bad manners or a lack of balls. Is it lack of balls to fade on someone you met for coffee one time? Link to post Share on other sites
Renae Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I don't know. Given the number of threads here that are about.... I haven't heard from date is she/he into me or waiting for me to call, did they want a few days to think about it, they are online now and didnt respond to my text, I said I was interested and they responded we should do it again but I haven't heard from them..... and so on. I am going to assume most people would feel better with a text saying hey I had a nice time just not feeling it, then not hearing anything and trying to guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Don't go out of your way to reject someone who isn't interested. The interested person should initiate, and at that point, the uninterested person can decline. That's all very natural. I don't understand why the fuss over fading. Must be interested people pretending not to be interested, and instead just waiting. Maybe what people call the fade is actually what we used to call leading someone on. Instead of declining, the uninterested person pretends to be interested. Good rule of thumb: don't pretend. The fade is not being upfront and honest about a lack of interest, while gradually cutting down on communication and signs of interest to the point of finally nothing. That is a slower, more "painful" process and kinda cruel. Leading someone on is about personal gain -- they keep up with communication and signs of interest until they get what they want. Usually, it's a man who just wants sex with a woman knowing she wants more than that for herself, to the point of where she's feeling like it's going that way and has sex with the man and then he moves on. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I don't know. I just don't see it that way. If I don't hear something in a few days, I don't see that as being left hanging. If I want to see a guy again, I have no problem telling him so, but if we've only gone out one or two times, and he doesn't reply to my text, I'm not really waiting by the phone for it, you know? That's just my level of sensitivity—and I'm not even saying this is what I do to men, this is just how I feel for myself. If no one is asking for another date, then I don't think anything needs to be said. I assume two ppl have communicated for longer than five minutes before meeting. I would find it more awkward to suddenly avoid all communication with that person rather than stating the obvious, but that's just me. Your sensibilities are also more realistic than some. You assume if you haven't heard back within a few "days" that it's over. Some ppl go batsh*t crazy if they haven't heard back within a few "hours." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 During early dating, in my opinion something needs to be said if one person is showing interest. If neither is showing interest, nothing needs to be said. I met a guy last night from online and we had drinks. We had a pleasant time but I'm not interested in seeing him again. I haven't heard from him since, and if I don't hear from him again, I will consider us to have mutually decided we're not into each other. If I do hear from him, I will then let him know I'm not interested. I think the above holds for dates 1 to 3 or so, and before anything physical happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I assume two ppl have communicated for longer than five minutes before meeting. I would find it more awkward to suddenly avoid all communication with that person rather than stating the obvious, but that's just me. Your sensibilities are also more realistic than some. You assume if you haven't heard back within a few "days" that it's over. Some ppl go batsh*t crazy if they haven't heard back within a few "hours." [/quote Anytime I'd been on only one or two dates, or not at a point where I had started reciprocating/initiating here and there, and the dating prospect stopped reaching out or didn't reach out as often, what have you, I just let it go. If I had been at the point of initiating and they didn't respond or took a long time, I still let it go. I am not going to run them down for any reason -- to try to draw them back or get "closure". My closure is -- I was fine before they came along, I'll be fine after they were gone with or without "their" closure which wouldn't mean squat anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Erdbeere Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Join the club. After a while you get to know when its happening early on... You just have to let them go and put it down to bad manners or a lack of balls. Half the people who comment on my situation say everything's fine and normal, that he clearly likes me, and one shouldn't expect more than what he's doing. Half say it's clearly over, and that he's not interested in me. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 After one date, other than a little time, dinner, maybe a movie, no investment has been made. When one person doesn't see it going any further, why not be honest and say it was awkward or you didn't feel a connection. That's not being mean and it beats being elusive and leaving someone hanging. After one or two dates . . . no investment has been made -- exactly. The problem is that some people invest themselves immediately, therefore, they have expectations for a return on that investment. For those types of people even if the other person was honest and said they weren't interested, they can't accept it anyway. Sometimes it's lose/lose for the one who isn't interested. But to me, it's just better to take the high road and be honest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Half the people who comment on my situation say everything's fine and normal, that he clearly likes me, and one shouldn't expect more than what he's doing. Half say it's clearly over, and that he's not interested in me. I just read your thread, which is a perfect example of why I believe that it's better to be upfront and honest if sincere interest is not there. You are kind of hanging in the balance wondering whether or not his compliments and suggestions to meet again are genuine. I understand that ppl are busy, but making time for coffee or breakfast isn't that hard to work into a person's schedule, typically. He's still communicating, but at stretched out intervals, much the way Red described the fade in post #41. Sorry you're in limbo . Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Either way is fine ...though I prefer just not to hear from the person again. Not sure if that's fading? It was only a meet/dinner. I used to get my hopes up a lot more and now I'm not invested at all before meeting. Here's what has happened a few times...met up for drinks/dinner and a guy says (at the end of the meet) he had a great time and he'd like to get together again. I say "that's nice I'd like to too" Then I don't hear from the guy again. It has probably happened 5 out of 20 times. What is up with that? Do guys just say that with zero sincerity. A few of the guys I really felt some potential for a relationship...the meeting went really well. This behavior I consider disrespectful and dishonest. The guy could call and say "hey I met someone else blah blah blah" No problem. But no contact whatsoever afterward is one of the reasons I'm really cautious with OLD nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Either way is fine ...though I prefer just not to hear from the person again. Not sure if that's fading? It was only a meet/dinner. I used to get my hopes up a lot more and now I'm not invested at all before meeting. Here's what has happened a few times...met up for drinks/dinner and a guy says (at the end of the meet) he had a great time and he'd like to get together again. I say "that's nice I'd like to too" Then I don't hear from the guy again. It has probably happened 5 out of 20 times. What is up with that? Do guys just say that with zero sincerity. A few of the guys I really felt some potential for a relationship...the meeting went really well. This behavior I consider disrespectful and dishonest. The guy could call and say "hey I met someone else blah blah blah" No problem. But no contact whatsoever afterward is one of the reasons I'm really cautious with OLD nowadays. he had a great time and he'd like to get together again. I say "that's nice I'd like to too" Then I don't hear from the guy again -- Because they are going to take some time to evaluate whether there was enough there for them to schedule a real date. If they aren't sure, they aren't going to tell you they aren't interested. They want to think about it. Sometimes, they just don't know what to say, so they do it perfunctorily. My attitude about first meets from OLD, is that they are simply to confirm that the person is who they say they are, looks like their picture and then decide whether I wanted a real date. It's also just an icebreaker if it leads to a date. I don't put any emphasis on what they say then. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 If I've only met the guy once or twice then I don't feel invested enough for there to be any kind of formal break-up conversation. It would seem a bit over the top. I'm not trying to suggest that fading isn't rude on some occasions but sometimes it tails off by itself and there's no need to make a formality out of it. I just play it by ear. If I get the impression that the guy doesn't care less about me, then I don't mind fading. If I think he's a kind and sincere guy and opting not to continue is going to affect him then I will find the most diplomatic way possible to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 No, ghosting happens when you're owed an ending, an explanation, a goodbye, something so they know they won't be hearing from you again, when a pattern has been established, and they disrespectfully disappear. You don't owe a first date anything. You can't ghost after a first date. ""Ghosting" is when someone you're dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication, without any explanation. And we're not talking about not getting a text back after one awkward OKCupid date, but receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates, or when you're in a committed relationship." The Psychology of Ghosting: Why People Do It and a Better Way to Break Up Of course you can ghost after a first date. Do you even know what the term means? It means to disappear and its not abput being owed anything. Ghost = disappearing act. Fade = to slowly disappear making less contact Stop going into semantics. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) I'm with you on this line of thinking but I got so adjusted to the OLD ways that it's easier to fade. I had a date last week, nice time, good conversation, she wanted to see me again, she texted me over the weekend. I just have no desire to see her again. It's been almost a week, no contact. I'm fine with it fading out. Is that wrong? No it's not wrong...not if YOU wouldn't care if you called a chick, asked her out again ..... and she just ignored you. If a guy contacts me again and asks me out, I am not just gonna ignore him. I know I wouldn't appreciate that being done to me... so no I won't do it to someone else. All you need to do is text back, "got your message, thanks for the invite, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further. Wish you the best." Or words to that effect. Is that so damn difficult? Jesus. And it saves the person wondering if they're ever gonna hear from you again. Common courtesy. Do it immediately. So they get your text, done, move on. No wondering. I've heard of people still waiting weeks wondering if the person is ever gonna respond back. Doesn't mean they're invested. Only means they had a good time with you, asked to see you again, you never replied, and now they're left wondering if they'll ever hear from you again. Why put anyone through that when a simple text would suffice? Not getting that at all. Doesn't anyone ever think about the other person's feelings anymore? Maybe they wouldn't care...but then again, maybe they would. Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Reitteg813 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) If it's one date, two, three, four, however many, I will ALWAYS straight up tell the person something like, "Hey, sorry I had fun but I'm just not feeling it. Just don't think we're right for each other." Even if it's just one date, that other person may have had a different perspective of how it went, although thats usually not the case because if it feels off, both people can usually tell it's off and just not meant to be. BUT you never know how they feel or what they think after just a first date. I really live by treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Obviously no one likes to be ignored, so I don't just ignore people. Immature, cowardly thing to do. Providing some closure will leave both people feeling much more satisfied and those two people could still remain friends. If someone gets ignored, don't think thats going to go well and that person is probably not going to want to be friends anymore. For people that just ghost or ignore, I can't even imagine how they would handle a situation in a relationship where there's conflict of some sort. If they can't even handle politely and kindly letting someone know they aren't interested through text message, then I dont know how theyre going to handle face to face conversation with their boyfriend/girlfriend in real life when there's a problem. Edited February 5, 2016 by Reitteg813 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Either way is fine ...though I prefer just not to hear from the person again. Not sure if that's fading? It was only a meet/dinner. I used to get my hopes up a lot more and now I'm not invested at all before meeting. Here's what has happened a few times...met up for drinks/dinner and a guy says (at the end of the meet) he had a great time and he'd like to get together again. I say "that's nice I'd like to too" Then I don't hear from the guy again. It has probably happened 5 out of 20 times. What is up with that? Do guys just say that with zero sincerity. A few of the guys I really felt some potential for a relationship...the meeting went really well. This behavior I consider disrespectful and dishonest. The guy could call and say "hey I met someone else blah blah blah" No problem. But no contact whatsoever afterward is one of the reasons I'm really cautious with OLD nowadays. Hey StB! I agree if it's one date/meet and it's clear there was no connection, then yeah, could not care less if I ever hear from him again, and hopefully vice versa. But (and I think you might agree)... if a man is texting or calling, expressing interest and/or asks for another date, in that case it would be considerate to let him know there is no interest, not only for him so he can delete me from his list of prospects, but also for me, so I won't have to continue getting messages from him...which can get annoying. And I would appreciate the same courtesy from him if roles were reversed. Being that my previous post was a bit of a rant...lol, just wanted to clarify that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I, personally, would prefer to be faded after 1 or 2 dates. I would rather just assume lack of interest rather than be directly told there is lack of interest. However, I learned during my heavy duty dating stage that men for the most part prefer directness. I had a very hard time with this at first as I am probably "too nice". I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I just kept making excuses instead of being direct and saying I wasn't interested. Eventually, I learned that it was better to be nicely direct in order not to lead them on. It was actually the only way they would stop pursuing, so it seemed wrong not to be honest. Since I don't pursue anyone, I prefer the fade for first few dates. However, after 3 dates, I would probably prefer an explanation why we would not be going out again. What i never understood is this line of thinking. There is absolutely NOTHING "nice" about being inconsiderate and not being honest. What it is is easy and avoids doing something uncomfortable. It is selfish, which is also the opposite of nice. Amazes me that people actually convince themselves that they are being "too nice." That is called rationalization and justification of bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Erdbeere Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 What i never understood is this line of thinking. There is absolutely NOTHING "nice" about being inconsiderate and not being honest. What it is is easy and avoids doing something uncomfortable. It is selfish, which is also the opposite of nice. Amazes me that people actually convince themselves that they are being "too nice." That is called rationalization and justification of bad behavior. Agree, but then I also see why they call it being "nice", rather than being dishonest. As humans, we want to portray ourselves in the best light, and struggle to admit we made mistakes and need to change the way we handle things because we were cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 If it's one date, two, three, four, however many, I will ALWAYS straight up tell the person something like, "Hey, sorry I had fun but I'm just not feeling it. Just don't think we're right for each other." Even if it's just one date, that other person may have had a different perspective of how it went, although thats usually not the case because if it feels off, both people can usually tell it's off and just not meant to be. BUT you never know how they feel or what they think after just a first date. I really live by treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Obviously no one likes to be ignored, so I don't just ignore people. Immature, cowardly thing to do. Providing some closure will leave both people feeling much more satisfied and those two people could still remain friends. If someone gets ignored, don't think thats going to go well and that person is probably not going to want to be friends anymore. For people that just ghost or ignore, I can't even imagine how they would handle a situation in a relationship where there's conflict of some sort. If they can't even handle politely and kindly letting someone know they aren't interested through text message, then I dont know how theyre going to handle face to face conversation with their boyfriend/girlfriend in real life when there's a problem. Absolutely spot on, couldn't have said it better myself. Why this is so hard for people to understand is beyond me. If everyone acted the way you do dating would be a much nicer experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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