La Trese Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I was wondering what you all thought about this. For me personally, after the first date I prefer the fade just because I kind of already assume if I haven't been contacted, and I already tried a thank you text or a "I had a good time text, looking forward to hearing form you" and haven't really had the other person engage in a conversation or text me later, that means they aren't interested since there really isn't an established bond yet. But my friend was telling me he prefers right after to be told "hey, not interested". What about after the 2nd or third dates? I'd say after the second i'd still prefer the fade. After the third...I don't know. I think if the fade is mutual then the fade but if one person is interested and initiates a text then at that point i'd either like a message or to send one. So far i'm in the third date situation with a guy. I kind of lost interest after the third date, nice enough guy and we have hobbies in common to talk about which keeps the conversation interesting, but unfortunately just no romantic chemistry. I haven't said anything to him yet in case its mutual and he never decides to text me, but if he decides to text me i'll tell him i'm not interested.
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I like clarity. So I am not a fan of the fade. It leaves me wondering if the other person is dead in a ditch somewhere. I'd rather be told & have a clean end point with no wondering. Most people aren't like me 3
smudge21 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 What would you prefer to receive - the fade or a nice text? Treat others as you would like to be treated. Personally I'd prefer a bit of upfront honesty but a lot of people aren't like that and some get offended by it. Just do what you feel is right - if the guy was nice, then treat him with respect and tell him.
contel3 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 After only a few dates I'll usually check up on the person 1-3 times (depending how much I liked the person) after that I assume they're not interested and move on. I've found this approach doesn't work on most people. I usually tell people straight out I'm not interested. "It was nice meeting you but XYZ". Saved me a lot of unecessary texting, going back and forth and the like.
Redhead14 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I was wondering what you all thought about this. For me personally, after the first date I prefer the fade just because I kind of already assume if I haven't been contacted, and I already tried a thank you text or a "I had a good time text, looking forward to hearing form you" and haven't really had the other person engage in a conversation or text me later, that means they aren't interested since there really isn't an established bond yet. But my friend was telling me he prefers right after to be told "hey, not interested". What about after the 2nd or third dates? I'd say after the second i'd still prefer the fade. After the third...I don't know. I think if the fade is mutual then the fade but if one person is interested and initiates a text then at that point i'd either like a message or to send one. So far i'm in the third date situation with a guy. I kind of lost interest after the third date, nice enough guy and we have hobbies in common to talk about which keeps the conversation interesting, but unfortunately just no romantic chemistry. I haven't said anything to him yet in case its mutual and he never decides to text me, but if he decides to text me i'll tell him i'm not interested. If he calls you for a third date, you simply tell him that you've enjoyed the time spent so far but you don't think you two are a good match and wish him well. Or, if he hasn't asked but is still texting, call him and tell him the same. Otherwise, he may keep in touch thinking he may want or get another date, he'll feel like a schmuck for continuing to reach out and getting no response or delayed responses, etc. Just put yourself in the other persons shoes . . . You tell them as soon as you know for sure you really aren't interested, sometimes it takes two or three dates maybe. Sometimes it takes a month, two months, three months . . . as soon as it doesn't work or stops working for you, you tell them and move on. 2
Maggie4 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Don't go out of your way to reject someone who isn't interested. The interested person should initiate, and at that point, the uninterested person can decline. That's all very natural. I don't understand why the fuss over fading. Must be interested people pretending not to be interested, and instead just waiting. Maybe what people call the fade is actually what we used to call leading someone on. Instead of declining, the uninterested person pretends to be interested. Good rule of thumb: don't pretend. 1
Zippy2000 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) I was wondering what you all thought about this. For me personally, after the first date I prefer the fade just because I kind of already assume if I haven't been contacted, and I already tried a thank you text or a "I had a good time text, looking forward to hearing form you" and haven't really had the other person engage in a conversation or text me later, that means they aren't interested since there really isn't an established bond yet. But my friend was telling me he prefers right after to be told "hey, not interested". Sorry, let me correct you. Not contacting you after a first date is NOT fading. Not contacting you after a first date is called ghosting They are two different things For someone who is dating you after 3 or 4th date and the contacting like for example messaging or calling you drops off slowly which is what we call fade When people fade to a point of ZERO and they are gone then that is ghosting where they have COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. Both fading and ghsoting I consider bad manners. It doesnt take 2 secosn to say "sorry, youre not what Im looking for". Fading is unfair on the other person as you are wasting THEIR time. Why waste anyones time when they can find someone else. Ghosting makes the other person think what one had done wrong and causes the other person pain and self doubt. I m older now, more experienced and to answer your question. Its better to give someone rejection so you can help them move on and not wonder or ponder over someone who cant have the sincerety or decency to say they arent the one. I much prefer closure. Dont you? Edited February 4, 2016 by Zippy2000 3
introverted1 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I'm very direct, so I tell someone if I am not interested, whether that's after the first date or later. I would prefer to receive the same treatment. 2
kendahke Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I"m so used to being faded/ghosted that it doesn't phase me anymore. I don't attach expectations to anything on first meetings off of OLD. In fact, I quit doing OLD. I think it's far different when you've met them in person before you begin talking--like through work, common activity, etc. You get to assess chemistry in real time before your mind gets involved in investing in who you think they are. 1
hippychick3 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I, personally, would prefer to be faded after 1 or 2 dates. I would rather just assume lack of interest rather than be directly told there is lack of interest. However, I learned during my heavy duty dating stage that men for the most part prefer directness. I had a very hard time with this at first as I am probably "too nice". I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I just kept making excuses instead of being direct and saying I wasn't interested. Eventually, I learned that it was better to be nicely direct in order not to lead them on. It was actually the only way they would stop pursuing, so it seemed wrong not to be honest. Since I don't pursue anyone, I prefer the fade for first few dates. However, after 3 dates, I would probably prefer an explanation why we would not be going out again. 2
scrapbooker Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I, personally, would prefer to be faded after 1 or 2 dates. I would rather just assume lack of interest rather than be directly told there is lack of interest. However, I learned during my heavy duty dating stage that men for the most part prefer directness. I had a very hard time with this at first as I am probably "too nice". I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I just kept making excuses instead of being direct and saying I wasn't interested. Eventually, I learned that it was better to be nicely direct in order not to lead them on. It was actually the only way they would stop pursuing, so it seemed wrong not to be honest. Since I don't pursue anyone, I prefer the fade for first few dates. However, after 3 dates, I would probably prefer an explanation why we would not be going out again. Exactly. One date is not a relationship. No one is owed some ceremonial something after ONE date. And it isn't about manners or courtesy. I'm old enough to have been to one of those Miss Manners finishing schools. One date does not require a formal "break up." I really think this "trophy for everyone" thing we started about 20 years ago has warped us.... 1
introverted1 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 So, I'm curious. For the people who say that after one date you don't need to explicitly say anything... What do you do when you are asked for date #2? Do you ignore the text(s), not answer the phone, not return the call?
hippychick3 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 So, I'm curious. For the people who say that after one date you don't need to explicitly say anything... What do you do when you are asked for date #2? Do you ignore the text(s), not answer the phone, not return the call? I think it's rude to ignore a text or call (only if a voicemail is left). Either be honest in a nice way or say you have too much else going on right now and will get in touch when you can. 1
Erdbeere Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I like clarity. So I am not a fan of the fade. It leaves me wondering if the other person is dead in a ditch somewhere. I'd rather be told & have a clean end point with no wondering. Most people aren't like me I hate this behaviour (the disappearing act). I am currently in a horrible predicament with someone, that I'm becoming more inclined to think is him disappearing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/568257-waiting-game-easier-said-than-done
Toodaloo Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 First date fine. After that its not really fair to keep people hanging on. Personally I think you should just phone and say that while you have had a lovely time you don't want to see him again because you do not feel a romantic connection. Not text. That sucks and is cowardly. 1
Erdbeere Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Exactly. One date is not a relationship. No one is owed some ceremonial something after ONE date. And it isn't about manners or courtesy. I'm old enough to have been to one of those Miss Manners finishing schools. One date does not require a formal "break up." I really think this "trophy for everyone" thing we started about 20 years ago has warped us.... I disagree with this. Everyone should just be straightforward about how they view things. Otherwise, it wastes someone's time, and is cruel to just leave someone and their emotional state hanging. Noone would suggest 1 date constitutes a relationship, but a first date is a potential building block towards a relationship, and it's usually an acuqintance-ship, after having spent time exchanging messages and pictures with someone. 1
hippychick3 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I disagree with this. Everyone should just be straightforward about how they view things. Otherwise, it wastes someone's time, and is cruel to just leave someone and their emotional state hanging. Noone would suggest 1 date constitutes a relationship, but a first date is a potential building block towards a relationship, and it's usually an acuqintance-ship, after having spent time exchanging messages and pictures with someone. This is why you don't invest in one person so early on. You should multi-date and have zero expectations until one man has shown you that he is worth investing in (consistency, regularly asking you out on dates, etc). Until then, that person should not yet be important enough to you to leave you heartbroken from not calling after a couple dates. The first couple dates are just dates. They're not building blocks yet. Think of them as trial meetings to test compatibility. 5
hasaquestion Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 This is why you don't invest in one person so early on. You should multi-date and have zero expectations until one man has shown you that he is worth investing in (consistency, regularly asking you out on dates, etc). Until then, that person should not yet be important enough to you to leave you heartbroken from not calling after a couple dates. The first couple dates are just dates. They're not building blocks yet. Think of it as trial meetings to test compatibility. Exactly. A date is to explore the possibility of seeing someone again. If people want your exclusive attention they can earn it. 1
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I am inclined to agree with the "bad manners" opinion. A date to some is no big deal, just some guy, some woman, to meet a few times a week. To others it may be the first sign of interest in months and so becomes a huge deal. It is also a huge deal if the person met was just what they were looking for too. To then not even have the decency to quickly text, "Well it was nice to meet you but sorry you are not what I am looking for" is not good. Having someone vainly waiting and scanning their phone in the hope of receiving a message for hours/days/weeks is not fair. One simple text -> both can move on. 1
introverted1 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think it's rude to ignore a text or call (only if a voicemail is left). Either be honest in a nice way or say you have too much else going on right now and will get in touch when you can. Ok, I think we are saying the same thing, then. I don't call a guy after the first date to tell him we're not a fit, but if he contacts me -- whether through phone or text -- I will respond and let him know I'm not interested. This seems kinder than having him wonder if I got his text and more polite than ignoring a voicemail. 2
dobielover Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) Sorry, let me correct you. Not contacting you after a first date is NOT fading. Not contacting you after a first date is called ghosting No, ghosting happens when you're owed an ending, an explanation, a goodbye, something so they know they won't be hearing from you again, when a pattern has been established, and they disrespectfully disappear. You don't owe a first date anything. You can't ghost after a first date. ""Ghosting" is when someone you're dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication, without any explanation. And we're not talking about not getting a text back after one awkward OKCupid date, but receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates, or when you're in a committed relationship." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lantern/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858.html Edited February 4, 2016 by dobielover 3
road Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I was wondering what you all thought about this. For me personally, after the first date I prefer the fade just because I kind of already assume if I haven't been contacted, and I already tried a thank you text or a "I had a good time text, looking forward to hearing form you" and haven't really had the other person engage in a conversation or text me later, that means they aren't interested since there really isn't an established bond yet. But my friend was telling me he prefers right after to be told "hey, not interested". What about after the 2nd or third dates? I'd say after the second i'd still prefer the fade. After the third...I don't know. I think if the fade is mutual then the fade but if one person is interested and initiates a text then at that point i'd either like a message or to send one. So far i'm in the third date situation with a guy. I kind of lost interest after the third date, nice enough guy and we have hobbies in common to talk about which keeps the conversation interesting, but unfortunately just no romantic chemistry. I haven't said anything to him yet in case its mutual and he never decides to text me, but if he decides to text me i'll tell him i'm not interested. Sometimes the fade speaks loud and clear. Man asked woman out Have date Man does not ask for 2nd date Woman with half a brain knows the man does not want to see her again No point for man to call and say I do not like you and do not want to date you again. Man asked woman out Have date Man asks for 2nd date Not to be cruel saying no, she says time is not good for I'll get back to you Week goes by, man starts to think maybe she is not interested He likes her so he asks once more She gives another excuse I'll get back to you Mans figures he blew it with this one On to the next one Rejection sucks Whether I were to put 2 and 2 together or hear a women say it to my face. Neither way is better to find out. 2
truth_seeker Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I like clarity. So I am not a fan of the fade. It leaves me wondering if the other person is dead in a ditch somewhere. I'd rather be told & have a clean end point with no wondering. Most people aren't like me I'm with you on this line of thinking but I got so adjusted to the OLD ways that it's easier to fade. I had a date last week, nice time, good conversation, she wanted to see me again, she texted me over the weekend. I just have no desire to see her again. It's been almost a week, no contact. I'm fine with it fading out. Is that wrong? 1
Toodaloo Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I hate this behaviour (the disappearing act). I am currently in a horrible predicament with someone, that I'm becoming more inclined to think is him disappearing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/568257-waiting-game-easier-said-than-done Join the club. After a while you get to know when its happening early on... You just have to let them go and put it down to bad manners or a lack of balls.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I don't know. It's all the same really. If I don't hear from someone in a couple of days, I assume it's over and move on/lose interest. This is in the early dating stages. I don't really want to be told unless I am explicitly asking a guy where things are going or similar. In an established exclusive relationship, I would prefer to be told. 1
Recommended Posts