Author Rude boy Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 My baby was only half planned. Meaning she meant to get pregnant and I didn't. It was after she cheated and we were trying to make it work. I was mad for a while and then I realized that I was being an ass. My job and my record have kept me from being the primary custodian. I work a lot and its unrealistic to be her full time parent and do my job. My record has an assault charge. After I found out she cheated on me I went and found him. I broke his nose before the cops showed up. It's not anything I'm proud of and I'm in counseling and did a stint in rehab to be a better father. It's worked, but my stupidity is what I lost on when I tried for full custody. I wish I could go back and not do what I did, but I can't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 She's not the right person for you. She wants to be with someone who doesn't have kids, and that's not you. It's not right for her to try and change you into the person she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I dated my ex for almost 4 years and he is a single dad. I would NEVER EVER tell him that he was spending too much time with his kid. EVER. In fact, I was turned on by the fact that he was a such great dad who spent as much time as possible with his son. I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker for you but it's certainly a red flag. 2 year olds absolutely remember things and later on will have memories from that time period. Wow, I can't believe this girl had the gall to say that to you. I would kick her to the curb if I were you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Look, I'm probably more like her than I am like you, but I can tell you that is not going to work. Of course, it's important to be interacting with a child of any age. That's what they need. At least she told you flat-out. Now you really are going to have to dump her. She's not going to be happy and your kid comes first. I believe in making time for others, don't get me wrong. But when you have kids, you have to find someone who doesn't mind being around them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrDuck Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I have a 7 year old son. We're a package deal. If a girl couldn't love him, then I couldn't love her, simple as that. You know I don't think I ever love my gf as much as when I'm just watching her play with my son. Like my heart could burst. You and your daughter deserve that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
candycane82 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I have an almost two year old daughter and she is the light of my life. I talk to her on the phone every day, we Skype and see each other at least four times a week. If not more. A big reason for this is her mother is not the most stable woman I know. When I check in with them I get to make sure she's safe. I've been seeing another woman for a few month now and its been great. Then she told me I spend too much time talking to my baby and she doesn't see why it matters because my daughter isn't old enough to remember me being there. She also says she prefers when she isn't around. I understand it's not her baby. I understand my ex is a problem. But I don't want to not see my daughter and talk to her every day. My feeling is to break it off. But maybe I'm overreacting. What should I do? You need to drop that woman quick. If she doesn't want your baby around, she's not worth your time. If she can't understand why it's important to see your baby girl as much as possible, she's not worth your time. If I ever dated someone else and that man told me to choose him or my daughter, I'd say "bye." My daughter is the most important person in my life. I will do anything for her. No one comes before her, not even me. Honestly your girlfriend sounds like an epic bitch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candycane82 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 We're all in our twenties, so yes this girl is young and younger than my child's mother and myself. My ex is an extremely beautiful woman, and when I'm completely honest with myself, the woman I'd marry. She cheated on me though and I just cannot forgive her. I've admitted that to no one, so its not an issue. My little girl is very sweet and when she's around I'm totally into her and no one else. Which is why this girl doesn't want her around I think. I try to not do that, but she's just so great I can't help it. The love I feel for her is better than anything ice ever experienced. It's completely intoxicating. She has a problem with that I think. She hasn't ever been alone with my daughter and judging by the feedback here, she won't be. As far as dating a single mom... I don't find that appealing. I'm not into kids, I'm not sure why I'm different about mine, and yes I know its completely hypocritical. Your ex isn't the most stable person and you worry about her with your daughter but you want to marry her? Really? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ddf44 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Give the care and concern that you have to at this time!! Because she is growing , this is the time you should more concern and care!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Unfortunately my ex has said and done things that make me not trust her with the baby for too long. I wish it wasn't the way things are, but it is. My girlfriend was with us for Superbowl, and she was so uninterested in my daughter which in and of itself is fine. I'm not one of those people who thinks everyone else has to think their kid is great. Saying that, I know deep down it won't work. It makes me sad because everything else has been good. I just can't do it knowing she isn't into my baby. My daughter is my world. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Your girlfriend is not suited to date men with kids. She doesn't understand that children come first. If your girlfriend cannot be interested in your daughter and she's jealous of the time you spend with your little one, you are completely right when you say that the relationship probably won't work in the long term. I saw this as someone who has dated men with kids. I know that I don't like the baggage of a malicious ex and a boyfriend who has no time because his child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 We split Friday night. It was pretty mutual. I think the hardest parts are that I'd already got her a few gifts, and some roses. I was really excited to have someone to be romantic towards. I took some stuff back gave the roses to my ex. The second part that so hard is she said "you should really try to work things out with *ex* you belong together." I don't think I deserve to be cheated on... I want someone who respects me. I spent valentines day with them because I didn't want to be alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZHguy Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 We split Friday night. It was pretty mutual. I think the hardest parts are that I'd already got her a few gifts, and some roses. I was really excited to have someone to be romantic towards. I took some stuff back gave the roses to my ex. The second part that so hard is she said "you should really try to work things out with *ex* you belong together." I don't think I deserve to be cheated on... I want someone who respects me. I spent valentines day with them because I didn't want to be alone. I don't think you should pay any attention to her words, because she shouldn't mean much anyway, girlfriends come and go. I think what you did was amazing and I congratulate you for it. Fortunately, my sometime father's situation wasn't like that, unfortunately, he was stupid and irresponsible by nature, so I had no father figure, at all. That last part hurt a lot, and it still does, and the emptiness hit me like early on last year. It didn't hit me when my parent's got divorced, it didn't hit me when my father decided not to be involved, it hit me early on in 2015 for reasons I do not know. But when it did, (and it's still hitting me), it hurt a lot, I can't even explain it. But let me tell you something, you want to fill that part in your child's heart for the rest of their life, because you are giving your daughter a sense of stability. You're going to be her man, and she damn well is going to remember it and thank you for it! You're going to be a great father, and I'm sure you even know that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QueenElsa Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 It might be tough at first, but it's even tougher to fight with a gf over spending times with your daughter in the long-run. Good choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 When I first got divorced, my kids were younger, and I had them for more time than their dad did due to his work schedule. This puts a cramp in your dating/love life, not only because of the time, but because, yes, people don't like it when you divide your focus so much. When I asked advice on what to do about this, I was told, "You need to focus on your kids, they need you, etc, etc". I was especially surprised to get this advice from a bunch of MEN, but that is what they said. I didn't like that advice, because I didn't want to be lonely, and what about me?.... but I felt that my potential partner would be justified in feeling neglected and I didn't want that, especially since I naturally tend to give my partner a lot of attention when I don't have kids to focus on ( I like it best that way). So that is what I did, I pretty much became celibate due to my kids. It sucked big time, but now it's over because my kids are not needy anymore and one is independent, and the other is almost there. I have tons of free time and peace in my life. Now I am ready to give my time to a man, but I totally understand feeling weird about having to give up you love life because you spend so much time with your kid(s). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) Another thing I wanted to add: You will find that people without kids, often would prefer to date someone else without kids, so this is something that you will just have to accept - that your dating pool will be reduced by childless people. They don't want to date you and you don't want to date them either because they're going to be all weird and attitude-y, anyway. So you will have to date other people with kids, but then, like you, they will also be dividing their time and focus with their kids and who knows if you'll even have time to see each other, lol. PS - this does not apply to people who have lesser custody of their kids (~less than 40%) because they obviously have some free time without kids to devote to dating and another partner. There are also childless people who will date a single parent, but these are people who are okay with having less than the "full monty", for whatever reason. Edited March 5, 2016 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Why not forgive and marry her mother, then. That's probably the best thing you can do for your daughter, especially since you've said you love her. Or is your own pride more important? Also, the way you feel about women with kids is exactly the way women without kids feel about you. Yeah but the OP knows how he feels about women with kids and that's why he chooses not to date them. Just like women who feel the same way shouldn't date men with kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I hope this girlfriend is really young and just doesn't get it yet because if she's approaching 30 and still doesn't understand about kids, she's never going to. You may need to date older or someone with kids. I mean, it's a little alarming that she doesn't know enough about just basic stuff like that kids need love from the time they're born. I mean, I think most people understand that. By the way, I remember your story Rude Boy, and I hope this means you didn't stay with the mother just because she had your kid because I remember that wasn't a very good relationship for you and she seemed manipulative. So glad you have other relationships. Hope you find the right one. And you will. The girl you're dating may have also had a rough childhood and doesn't even understand parental/child love if that's the case, if she didn't get any. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bee4Shine Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 Your daughter is a huge priority. If the woman you are dating sees that as a conflict now, what will it be like as your daughter grows? Will this conflict ever go away? With the situation with your family, it seems that adding the stress of an additional relationship that doesn't "make your life easier" is probably not a wise choice. I am sorry for the struggle you are experience, but you are wise to process this conflict and make wise choices. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) I have an almost two year old daughter and she is the light of my life. I talk to her on the phone every day, we Skype and see each other at least four times a week. If not more. A big reason for this is her mother is not the most stable woman I know. When I check in with them I get to make sure she's safe. I've been seeing another woman for a few month now and its been great. Then she told me I spend too much time talking to my baby and she doesn't see why it matters because my daughter isn't old enough to remember me being there. She also says she prefers when she isn't around. I understand it's not her baby. I understand my ex is a problem. But I don't want to not see my daughter and talk to her every day. My feeling is to break it off. But maybe I'm overreacting. What should I do?How bad was the cheating? One-night stand or a full-blown affair? Edited March 9, 2016 by turnera Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 How bad was the cheating? One-night stand or a full-blown affair? She'd been sleeping with him for two months. One of my friends saw them together and called me. I've never gotten such a slap in the face... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 I went over to see my daughter last night, and I was sitting on the couch when she walked over to me. Very gently she grabbed my face and just looked in my eyes, and touched my hair. Her mom is sitting there watching and the only thing she says is "you guys are so dorky together." I must not get how baby can be dorky... Or how showing affection is weird. It hurt my feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Calling someone dorky isn't always an insult. People sometimes say it with affection. It just depends on how the person said it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Calling someone dorky isn't always an insult. People sometimes say it with affection. It just depends on how the person said it. Yeah, it sounds like she was saying it affectionately. Since she also called the baby dorky I doubt she meant it as an insult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 I also interpreted 'dorky' as a term of affection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 I went over to see my daughter last night, and I was sitting on the couch when she walked over to me. Very gently she grabbed my face and just looked in my eyes, and touched my hair. Her mom is sitting there watching and the only thing she says is "you guys are so dorky together." I must not get how baby can be dorky... Or how showing affection is weird. It hurt my feelings. I am liking this post for the first part. Heart melting moment you had with your daughter! You're more connected to her than her own mother is. there's certainly a detachment your ex isn't feeling towards her own baby. Don't let your ex ever ruin your good feelings and love, ignore her words! don't be hurt by what she's said, it doesn't matter what she thinks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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