Terrified of attractive women

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

you know... i'm drop-dead gorgeous... no, really but i didn't have sex until i was 35. i was terrified of sleeping w/any man - i was phobic about std's and aids, and being all dirty and sweaty, and you name it, i was freaked out by it. i would dump all my boyfriends before we could get naked. people would easily say to me 'go see a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist' etc. but it wasn't really anything that severe. it was just a huge fear i had built up in my head and the right boyfriend just came along and i got over it. sometimes it can be something that needs therapy and counseling and sometimes it's just a bunch of fear blocking you and what you need to accomplish. only you can truly know how deep the issues are and if you can solve it personally or with professional help. but don't think there is something wrong w/you because you're not advanced in a sexual way... some of us just don't go there until we're ready, for many reasons and it can often stem from extreme shyness or introversion/social anxiety, or just thinking you're not good enough, that dreaded lack of confidence. just don't give up trying and it'll come to you

 

Wow seriously, virgin until age 35 for a woman? Well for women its usually always by choice, key word "usually"

[ZA Dater]

Therapy isn't a "band aid" solution. It's not magical. It simply offers people who are struggling some support. Simply rocking up and talking won't fix anything. Action fixes problems, not talking about them.

 

You build confidence through repeated success. By setting the bar low to begin with, you build the foundation that eventually allows you to tackle the much harder challenges.

 

Sure, most people struggle / feel self conscious around very attractive people. It's normal. That said, I could certainly hold a conversation with a stunning woman. I wouldn't have the nerve to ask her out, but I could hold a conversation with her.

 

The OP simply shuts down. He's got to crawl before he can walk.

 

I totally disagree with the bold part, you don't achieve anything by trying to build confidence with people you don't find attractive.

 

I agree therapy achieves nothing of significance barring lining the pockets of a therapist, as you say action not talking benefits and I don't see any therapist actually going on a date with the client to see what the real issue is.

[elaine567]

Trouble is that most people get by in the dating world quite well, they meet people, they date, they couple up and everything is essentially fine - they split up, they grieve but they meet other people and all is right with the world.

Fat people, thin people, short people, tall people, stupid people, intelligent people, young people, old people... etc. etc. all manage to find love somewhere, if they are looking for it.

 

Unfortunately some find it very difficult to meet anyone, I guess for most, their hang ups, insecurities and personalities mostly get in the way, and it is those who should seek professional help.

[tasev1]

Trouble is that most people get by in the dating world quite well, they meet people, they date, they couple up and everything is essentially fine - they split up, they grieve but they meet other people and all is right with the world.

Fat people, thin people, short people, tall people, stupid people, intelligent people, young people, old people... etc. etc. all manage to find love somewhere, if they are looking for it.

 

Unfortunately some find it very difficult to meet anyone, I guess for most, their hang ups, insecurities and personalities mostly get in the way, and it is those who should seek professional help.

 

It's such a strange dynamic isn't it? I've always wondered how such and such a person manages to find a woman. What did he do? What traits? None of the desired traits every displayed. By the time I finish growing, I'll come out stronger.... I hope. I'm a great man, but not finding anything had held me back and made me worse. Must climb out of it now.

[newmoon]

Wow seriously, virgin until age 35 for a woman? Well for women its usually always by choice, key word "usually"

 

yes, it was by choice, b/c i - like the poster - had some phobias/issues to overcome first

[carhill]

I see once again therapy is being trotted out as the band aid solution to all problems.

 

Depends on the person. For some it helps. For others, nope.

 

I'd challenge posters here to find me ANYONE who isn't even slightly intimidated by a very attractive lady. I suspect everyone is to a lesser or greater degree.

If referring to guys in a romantic sense, meaning they're attracted to a particular lady, that's a reasonable generality if focusing over the entirety of their life. No man is completely and comprehensively without feeling intimidation, trepidation, constipation, etc, etc. Heh, did it again. We're all human. It's how we deal with those feelings and process them and act on them that is perceived by the wider world.

You can of course get around this problem by just not interacting with people who intimidate you or only speak when spoken to.

That's one solution; however, it can inhibit social integration.

Neither is ideal but the solution is to actually feel confident in yourself and you certainly don't need a therapist to tell you that.

Yeah, I'd agree on both counts. Not an ideal solution and a competent therapist shouldn't be telling a client how to act, rather assist them in discovering and developing tools of action that respect their psychology in the pursuit of the goal they are seeking.

 

My prior anecdote was offered in humor but it did spring from an actual tool I used to overcome fear of public speaking. In that case it was naked sitting on the toilet because, well, fear was large

[preraph]

Don't go to a life coach. They are not trained in psychology, and you need a psychologist who can handle your social anxiety, which is a disorder. Your physician can probably recommend someone. Ask for a MALE psychologist, though!!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Reading a stat about the alarming number of men in Japan that are virgins, it said they estimate that 1 in 4 Japanese Men over the age of 30 are virgins, of course statistics are not always accurate, but goes to show that me and a lot of guys here in this forum here would fit right in Japan

[neowulf]

I totally disagree with the bold part, you don't achieve anything by trying to build confidence with people you don't find attractive.

 

I agree therapy achieves nothing of significance barring lining the pockets of a therapist, as you say action not talking benefits and I don't see any therapist actually going on a date with the client to see what the real issue is.

 

You have to start somewhere.

 

The goal is to develop some social skills. The OP is completely terrified of attractive women. That basically speaks of a lack of confidence, in himself and his ability to to interact with them.

 

For example, I've found that simply taking any chance of "getting somewhere" with really attractive women is a great start.

 

I don't go in expecting any result. You simply talk to them. You admit to yourself that you're probably not going to get the girl, so you just stop focusing on it. The goal is to open your mouth and say something. That's it.

 

Not to mention, I said "setting the bar low", not "remove the bar". The OP is welcome to find a woman he finds "tolerable" in terms of attractiveness and start from there.

[WaitingForBardot]

I totally disagree with the bold part, you don't achieve anything by trying to build confidence with people you don't find attractive.

...

I don't agree with you. I basically went about chatting up anyone, men and women alike, based on circumstances and proximity. Over time it really helped me approach girls/women I found desirable, something that was a real problem for me.

 

And generally speaking, when I receive advice that sounds at least reasonable, I tend to give it a try whether or not I think it will work. Especially if I don't have any better ideas myself. What's the worst that can happen? (rhetorical question)

[ZA Dater]

I don't agree with you. I basically went about chatting up anyone, men and women alike, based on circumstances and proximity. Over time it really helped me approach girls/women I found desirable, something that was a real problem for me.

 

And generally speaking, when I receive advice that sounds at least reasonable, I tend to give it a try whether or not I think it will work. Especially if I don't have any better ideas myself. What's the worst that can happen? (rhetorical question)

 

Kudos that this method worked for you. Care to tell us how long "over time" was and how many obnoxious unfriendly people you "met" while doing this?

 

Having said that, sure your method can work but then it needs to be targeted and no random, its pointless talking to someone for the sake of talking to someone. I guess here I just differ but random conversation doesn't interest me at all, I don't really care to talk to the person shopping the same isle as me or that person standing in front of me at a check out.

 

Again I am not knocking the method but simply saying it works with some personality types and not others.

[WaitingForBardot]

Kudos that this method worked for you. Care to tell us how long "over time" was and how many obnoxious unfriendly people you "met" while doing this?

 

Having said that, sure your method can work but then it needs to be targeted and no random, its pointless talking to someone for the sake of talking to someone. I guess here I just differ but random conversation doesn't interest me at all, I don't really care to talk to the person shopping the same isle as me or that person standing in front of me at a check out.

 

Again I am not knocking the method but simply saying it works with some personality types and not others.

It was a long process, probably over a year or so before I began to notice a real difference, but it's actually an ongoing process. I can always do better.

 

And random conversations don't particularly interest me either, but the people themselves do. And again it was originally a means to an end, but now I just kind of enjoy it. Now when I see someone desirable and want to talk to them, it's just one more conversation out of many, not some big deal with major consequences attached to it.

[hasaquestion]

I totally disagree with the bold part, you don't achieve anything by trying to build confidence with people you don't find attractive.

 

But the real issue with 'fear of attractive women' is that the OP is seeking approval. He WANTS these people to like him. He's nervous because he sees himself as inferior. Its different being around them... because he treats them differently, he regards them differently.

 

People you don't find attractive are the same thing as people you do find attractive. They're people. And they are as interesting or uninteresting as you find them.

 

Ignoring people you aren't interested and then all of a sudden needing to talk to someone because you think they have nice legs... that's putting women on a pedestal. That's a problem.

 

I'm sure this will get some blowback but my experience is that women like one of two kinds of guys. Men who treat everyone else as well as they treat a beautiful woman, or men who treat a beautiful woman as badly as you treat everyone else. Its the consistency that matters.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Oh well, and they say men are automatically assertive, when a person is not supposed to let their past be their future, why is that? Why is it that the past can be just an illusion?