Apparition Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 So it's my day 4 of no contact and I think if it wasn't for me being ill currently that I would be a wreck. Right now I'm just sleeping a lot and haven't had the chance to really process everything. I am sure it will hit me once I get rid of this illness and I am dreading it for when it comes. I can't believe I get sick a day after I get my heart broken. Just my luck. How are you all doing? What day are you on of NC?
Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 So it's my day 4 of no contact and I think if it wasn't for me being ill currently that I would be a wreck. Right now I'm just sleeping a lot and haven't had the chance to really process everything. I am sure it will hit me once I get rid of this illness and I am dreading it for when it comes. I can't believe I get sick a day after I get my heart broken. Just my luck. How are you all doing? What day are you on of NC? I am surviving sir. Day 1 of NC because I broke it this morning after almost a month NC. She didn't break up with me because she thought she could do better or wasn't in love. She broke up with me because I was complacent and didn't really care enough after a couple years and she thought I would never change. Once we broke up though, I was like uh-oh I might have just lost a great one. Anyway, last night her roomate/best friend came to my house and hung out for a couple minutes. I told her not to talk about my ex because I am not interested in who or what she may be doing. She certainly didn't get the point as she proceeded to tell me that my ex misses me and my 3 year old little girl. This morning when I woke up I sent a pic of my daughter to my ex. Don't know why, but I did. I'm sure I will hear nothing back, but I had a weak moment. Back to NC. I was doing really well. I still had waves of grief, but was finally being optimistic and slowly meeting new people. Once I saw her friend it all reset. She will also be part of my NC. 2
Sebastian235 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Day 2 - 4 months after break up and on/off mixed signals, bread crumbs bullcrap! sick of her choosing when she needs a ego boost and when she wants nothing to do with me! just remember every day gets better and in 2 or 3 weeks this pain would have reduced so much! 2
Wuku Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Day 31 tomorrow, but I do intend on breaking it in a week or so. Stupid as it may be, I want to know how she is, and if anything has changed her mind, and we have each other's stuff to sort out to. She asked for time and space, and I'm giving her that, but I have a right to know if she really believes it's completely over now or not. Im not holding out to much hope. I go through waves of grief too, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. I miss her, I'm angry at her, I love her etc etc. I have to admit, as the month has gone on, I have felt it easier to not contact her, but maybe that's because I always new I would eventually. Anyway, I'm prepared to get my fingers burnt! 2
Author Apparition Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Hang in there, guys, you'll be stronger once all of this is over with. Even if you break NC it isn't the end of the world, it just means you'll have to start again and try not to break it a second time. We're bound to make mistakes and I'm sure we will and I'm sure we'll even make the same mistake twice or three times but everything in the end pans out the way it should be. 1
Sebastian235 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Breaking it is the worst from my experience try to avoid it at all costs! it gives them so much power it tells them that youre thinking about them, missing them trust me they feed off this girls usually always want what they cant have! but of course if you break it just stay calm and collect yourself 1
CDJ Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 The more of these 'NC' threads I read, the more I regret not coming to this forum immediately after what happened between my ex and me Take it from someone who ignorantly flouted very break-up guideline and NC rule going - you're doing the right thing, keep at it! 3
Author Apparition Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 **UPDATE** So two hours ago my ex contacted me via e-mail. I'm trying not to reply because it's not really something worth replying to. I am guessing our mutual friend told her I am not feeling so great because she wrote an e-mail to me to say she's sorry for whatever I am suffering and hopes I get better. Like I said in my other posts, my mindset is if she wants me, she knows where to find me, how to find me and what to do. Wishing me better isn't something worth replying to. Am I right or wrong?
Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 **UPDATE** So two hours ago my ex contacted me via e-mail. I'm trying not to reply because it's not really something worth replying to. I am guessing our mutual friend told her I am not feeling so great because she wrote an e-mail to me to say she's sorry for whatever I am suffering and hopes I get better. Like I said in my other posts, my mindset is if she wants me, she knows where to find me, how to find me and what to do. Wishing me better isn't something worth replying to. Am I right or wrong? I think you're right. Rather ignore or write back something short that ends the convo. "Thanks, doing fine" "Doing good, take care" "Leave me alone you heart wrenching so and so haha." Not really the last one. But silence does speak louder. I just don't think the short, closed reply will hurt either. 2
The Poster Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 **UPDATE** So two hours ago my ex contacted me via e-mail. I'm trying not to reply because it's not really something worth replying to. I am guessing our mutual friend told her I am not feeling so great because she wrote an e-mail to me to say she's sorry for whatever I am suffering and hopes I get better. Like I said in my other posts, my mindset is if she wants me, she knows where to find me, how to find me and what to do. Wishing me better isn't something worth replying to. Am I right or wrong? Absolutely right. It's a nice gesture on her part, but it isn't anything more than that. Don't even bother replying. Just become a ghost. As you said, if she wants you, she knows where to find you. As for no-contact. It's hard, and it gets harder before it gets easier, but it DOES get easier. Stay strong and feel better! 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) Agree with Brando and Poster. Don't reply to that sort of breadcrumb. Now... replying to this. it gives them so much power it tells them that youre thinking about them, missing them trust me they feed off this! I don't particularly understand this mindset. It is counterproductive. Who cares if they feel empowered? Who cares if THEY think that you are thinking about them? Who cares if THEY think you are missing them? Why care about what THEY are thinking at all? girls usually always want what they cant have! That's quite a generalization, and are you implying that if they don't hear from you they will want you? NC doesn't work that way, and shouldn't be used with a secret agenda in mind. Edited February 2, 2016 by DarkHorizon 2
blackbird_brokenwing Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Today is a week. I've been blocked on most everything, but there would be ways if I really wanted to (e-mail, G-chat, snail mail, my second phone number, etc.) But I'm not taking advantage of those. This is so hard. We talked every single day for the past year and a half, and suddenly it's NOTHING. I miss her with every fiber of my being. The thing is, I want her to know I'm thinking about her. I want her to know I care. 1
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I confess I can't help being fascinated by all this, including WHILE I am experiencing all these withdrawal symptoms... like most people here. Knowing how this stuff actually works in my body helps me.... so here is a good article; it gets better towards the end. This Is Your Brain on Heartbreak | Greater Good Yes, I will take some Tylenol. 1
Wuku Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Interesting article. I love science, but as true as all that is, love feels like such a different special thing, that I'm not sure I like it distilled into easily understandable factual chunks. And knowing it doesn't help with the pain, so after you with the Tylenol lol 1
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I completely understand. It's just that, at this point, I don't want to romanticize my pain. if I can minimize it in any way... I will do it. I have to say that even reading and learning more about how the physical process works is already helping me. But each person copes with and looks at the experience in a different way 1
Author Apparition Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 **Another UPDATE** My ex sent me another e-mail, seven paragraphs explaining how she feels and how she's sorry it wasn't different. Telling me she just wants to take care of her parents (they're both ill) and she is tired and cannot risk being hurt ever again. So I caved. We had a discussion via e-mail and it was actually okay. I admitted my faults, she admitted hers and she said she wished I had met someone else so we could have been friends. I told her I was sorry things didn't turn out differently but I respect her decisions. She said goodbye at the end of her e-mail and I said goodbye, too. I kind of don't regret it because we ended on a good note, rather than a bad one and it was worth breaking NC for. I know I will have to restart NC all over again and I will still stick with what I said. If she wants me, she knows where to find me and she won't stop my healing process. I will not be her friend if she requests that until I have moved on. I will not speak to her unless it's her begging for me back and making an effort to show me she wants me. She knows where I stand and how I feel. At this point there is nothing I can do anymore. I will not initiate contact to someone who isn't sure if they want me in their life or isn't sure they want me. I get the feeling I haven't heard the last from her and I was skeptical about saying that out loud because I don't want to sound cocky, but it's just a feeling I get. Anyway, do you guys think I did the right thing? Was it better to end on a good note? 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Always better to end on a good note If what you did is working for you, then it IS the right thing. Don't look back and wonder about it. Move forward, and if she ends up in your path again, so be it. But let her make the detour - if she wants it. 3
Author Apparition Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 You're one of the nicest people I've met on here, DarkHorizon. Very logical and positive guy. Hope you're doing well, yourself. 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 You're one of the nicest people I've met on here, DarkHorizon. Very logical and positive guy. Hope you're doing well, yourself. Thank you for the kind words, Apparition. It's still so hard, but writing here and trying to help others has been a huge part of my healing as well. The hardest times are early mornings and weekends... but one day at a time. It's really the only way. These were my threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/566609-relationship-4-years-bu-1-month-ago-nc-2-weeks http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567553-after-almost-two-months-feeling-bit-better http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567178-car-places-phone
Wuku Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Given the science behind it, and the possible evolutionary reasoning as to why it hurts, I'd like to know why it takes so long to get over. I've been split up 6 weeks now, and I still feel as bad as I did the day it happened a lot of the time. Surely feeling so terrible, and not functioning at 100% would be dangerous for you?
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I am on day 1000 and something and am far more concerned about who I will be dating next rather than my ex. It does get better. Faster than you think when you decide that you are not going to mope and cry but instead you are going to get up and go make something of yourself. Seriously guys. Every time you think of your ex push those thoughts to one side and go do something positive instead. 3
Wuku Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 That's easier said than done, especially when you've gone well over 1000 days! That's not NC anymore, that's well and truly over I would have thought. Perhaps, when it was still raw for you, it wasn't quite that easy. I don't want to be moping around, but it really does feel like part of me is missing. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 That's easier said than done, especially when you've gone well over 1000 days! That's not NC anymore, that's well and truly over I would have thought. Perhaps, when it was still raw for you, it wasn't quite that easy. I don't want to be moping around, but it really does feel like part of me is missing. No it wasn't easy. After 7 years living together and "poof" I wanted answers. I wanted to know how he could leave me like that and I wanted to know why he was doing this and why he wasn't putting the effort in and why he treated me the way he did... What had I done to deserve that. I have them now. Not through speaking to him but by realising that things happen for a reason. I did it by getting up off my backside under the worst possible circumstances and turning my life around. What is raw is being left via a note on the cooker (after not turning up to pick you up from the airport) when you have been told if you live another 6 months it will be a miracle (and the trip you just got back from was to say good bye to people who love you)... So guys get off your backsides. Get out and get fresh air. You have a life, grasp it with both hands and make the most of it. You will be amazed at what you can do if you just pluck up the courage to have a little gumption and balls. All this hurt and pain? In a few years it will mean nothing. You will not remember it and instead you will be doing new things with new people and having a ball. 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) Given the science behind it, and the possible evolutionary reasoning as to why it hurts, I'd like to know why it takes so long to get over. I've been split up 6 weeks now, and I still feel as bad as I did the day it happened a lot of the time. Surely feeling so terrible, and not functioning at 100% would be dangerous for you? Hi Wuku. Regarding the evolutionary process. It is observed that, in primitive cultures, emotional pain (which is part of social pain) isn't as intense as we experience in the modern world, for the simple fact that, in those societies, the functionality of the ego is directed to more relevant and realistic dangers. In other words, if your brain has to pick between the threats of emotional pain or physical pain, it will go with the latter. That would explain that, through evolution and due to the comfort of our current lives, the ego is just redirecting its "shields" towards emotional threat instead of physical. But at the end of the day, we all know that a heartbreak alone isn't as life threatening as walking towards incoming traffic. Edited February 3, 2016 by DarkHorizon 2
Wuku Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I understand the difference between psychical and social fears, so that makes sense. But what happens to all those neurol transmitters in your ex's head? How do they manage to rearrange them so they don't feel the pain we do, as dumpee's? I guess they have just fallen out of love over time, and we didn't notice. But what about when they claim to still love you? It's all very interesting! 1
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