After almost two months, feeling a bit better.

[DarkHorizon]

Now that it has been almost two months since the breakup of a four year relationship, things are finally a bit clearer in my mind.

 

I was married for almost twenty years, when my wife passed way from pancreatic cancer. Not much longer after that, I became involved with this girl (24 at the time) twenty years younger than me. We lived together for four years, and we had amazing moments, sharing everything in our lives, traveling overseas, etc. During this period, I was also diagnosed with cancer, and she was there for me every step of the treatment. I believe I took her for granted, though, pretty much applying the same behavior I had with in marriage, living a life or routine, quiet, peaceful, but probably boring for her. Throughout this time, I also had three very ugly incidents of verbal abuse related to alcohol.

 

The conditions of of her leaving, though, are very sad and disappointing. A couple of months ago we had a guest in our house, and because our relationship was not in a good place, he became her confidant. While I was at work, they went out, had fun, and she shared a lot of our relationship issues with him. He ended up falling in love with her - and maybe she fell in love with him as well. Right before he left, I am pretty sure they were physically involved as well. The fact is that, after he was gone, they kept in touch online. I suspected it, got jealous, found out by checking her Facebook communication with him, confronted her a couple of times, and then, one evening, she left me for good.

 

I believe he was just a catalyst at that point. She wasn't happy with the relationship and looked for a way out. While I was the grumpy, depressed, jealous guy at home, she was having fun with this other guy while he was on vacation. Grass was definitely greener on the other side. That was the open window she found, and she didn't miss the chance.

 

I don't particularly respect the way she left (hiding, lying, disloyalty), but I do respect her decision to leave. So, besides a few formal emails about rent, belongings, etc, I went NC a couple of weeks ago. I believe a lot of her behavior towards the end of the relationship can be attributed to confusion and desperation to leave the relationship. Since she is emotionally immature, I don't think she did anything with malicious intent; just had no clue on how to handle the situation better. I don't have anything against her, and truly wish her the best, and hopefully she learned something positive from our four years together. I know that, unfortunately, when she tells the story to others, she ommits her affair, and only mentions my drinking problem. It's her way to cope with the situation to others, and maybe with herself.

 

On my end, I completely stopped drinking - and it has been three months since. I really don't plan to ever drink again - it is now directly associated with the loss of the girl I love. I am finally feeling better, even though there is still a lot of disappointment and pain. This board has been incredibly helpful through this process.

Edited January 28, 2016 by DarkHorizon

[Chi townD]

I'm glad you're making a positive spin on things and being mature about this.

 

 

Dude, of course she's not going to mention her affair. She wants to be the victim in this and not the bad guy. But, it sounds like you're doing well in your healing! Now, you need to focus on you! I mean, you had a massive health scare. Therefore, you should be charged and ready to enjoy life because above most, you probably now know how valuable life is. So, get new hobbies. Go out and see the world! Travel! Pick a place that you've always wanted to see. Make a plan and save. And once you have everything solid up, then GO!!!!

 

 

So, have adventures! Go white water rafting. Do a cattle drive, or dog sledding. Or go hiking in the mountains or diving!

 

 

Dude, embrace your new life. Start loving yourself and your life again!

[DarkHorizon]

Dude, embrace your new life. Start loving yourself and your life again!

 

Thank you! Yes, I am still picking up the pieces of my heart, but I am definitely healing. Four years is a long time. Several friends think I might have used this relationship as a band-aid to avoid grieving the loss of my wife, but if that was the case I am not sure it would've lasted this long. In any case, at this point, it doesn't matter anymore. I am not really trying to look for reasons anymore - I am not looking back, only forward.