I need hope

[TaraMaiden2]

I've been crying a lot for the last five days and I can't feel better. I invited him to meet each other but there is still no answer. I will probably start begging and crying again. I want to ask him not to ignore me. I really want to see him and hold him and I can't wait anymore.

 

You know what I think you should do?

 

I think you should write him 100 texts a day.

I think you should bombard him with emails.

I think you should get in your car, camp out in front of his drive, and whenever he moves, wherever he goes, follow him.

Don't be secretive; don't hide it. Be there, everywhere he goes out.

It doesn't matter if he's with someone or not.

It doesn't matter if he turns on you and yells at you to leave him alone.

Don't listen to him (just like you haven't listened to us, right?)

Ignore his request.

Shower him with gifts and loving messages about how you know you two are destined to be together, how you know he loves you really, how much he must feel for you...

Write everything down to convince him you should be in his life 24/7.

 

With any luck, he will file a restraining order legally preventing you from being within 10 miles of him and ordering that you never contact him again in any way.

 

That's the only way you're going to even begin about thinking of moving on.

 

Seriously, do it.

It could be the best move you make.

[Toodaloo]

Is it so hard?

 

Yes - because to put it bluntly you are unhinged and need proper medical help. Which you still are not seeking.

 

You know what I think you should do?

 

I think you should write him 100 texts a day.

I think you should bombard him with emails.

I think you should get in your car, camp out in front of his drive, and whenever he moves, wherever he goes, follow him.

Don't be secretive; don't hide it. Be there, everywhere he goes out.

It doesn't matter if he's with someone or not.

It doesn't matter if he turns on you and yells at you to leave him alone.

Don't listen to him (just like you haven't listened to us, right?)

Ignore his request.

Shower him with gifts and loving messages about how you know you two are destined to be together, how you know he loves you really, how much he must feel for you...

Write everything down to convince him you should be in his life 24/7.

 

With any luck, he will file a restraining order legally preventing you from being within 10 miles of him and ordering that you never contact him again in any way.

 

That's the only way you're going to even begin about thinking of moving on.

 

Seriously, do it.

It could be the best move you make.

 

I am beginning to think the same.

 

A spell locked up and a criminal record seems to be the only way forward...

 

Don't forget to take nude pictures of yourself on his car, in his driveway and if you can break into his house on his bed too. Phone his mother, sister, boss and best mate at least 3 times a day to get them to help you get him back too.

 

Make sure it is at least 100 -150 texts and at least 50-60 emails a day. Anything less and he will not realise how serious you are about this.

[TaraMaiden2]

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

 

The more I read this, the more I think of 'play Misty for me' or 'Fatal Attraction'.

 

Anna2000, seriously - you sound dangerously obsessive. There's no question that you really do need help, and rather than protest and keep insisting futile excuses regarding his input and responses - honestly, you need to take advice, see your doctor asap and GET - HELP.

[Zahara]

I really want to see him and hold him and I can't wait anymore.

 

I want us to be friends - to go out, talk, drink beer, be there for each other. Is it so hard?

 

Well, you can't be friends because your expectations indicate otherwise.

 

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

 

Anna, imagine a relationship -- one with commitment, emotional investment, intimacy, shared values and interests, emotional attachments to families, vacations together, years of history together -- and one day it ends because someone wants to move on and has decided to end their role in the relationship. Now, if you were in such a situation, I can't imagine what would become of you.

 

If 5 months and approx. 5 to 8 dates later has unraveled you to such an extent that you can't manage and cope with life, you need to seek help. Your behavior isn't normal. Your attachment isn't normal. Do you see how ridicilous this is?

 

You need to seek help to manage your feelings. He cannot do that for you. He can't help you. He promised to call because he knew that those words would get you off his back. He just told you what you wanted to hear to keep you away. And he wanted to be with you because he could get some fun out of it and then he decided to seek elsewhere probably because he knew you were expecting more. There was never any investment in you. It happens. You can't go to pieces because you can't handle the rejection. You don't love him. You just can't accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with you and that rejection is a serious blow to your already poor self-esteem. This is why you are grappling for his validation -- you need him to reverse the bad feelings YOU feel about yourself. This is not about him.

 

Please seek help. Accept that he is done with you.

[ChickiePops]

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

 

Unfortunately you have tied your feelings to him and you can't control him. You can control yourself though. Truthfully your actions are almost definitely having the opposite affect that you want on him..he's probably terrified of you.

 

Please get help. Your feelings and actions at this point are not normal or healthy and your obsession is probably a symptom of a larger issue.

[despgirl]

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

 

I think you need some therapy, OP. Your reactions are not healthy at all. Been there myself and trust me, it IS possible to get over someone you love!

[BC1980]

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

 

He had made it clear that he is not concerned about your feelings. He is not interested in being in a proper relationship relationship where both parties are concerned about each others feelings. You are right. What about your feelings? You need to start taking care of your feelings by not reaching out to him anymore. He is married and is not emotionally available to give your a proper relationship, so you can't expect him to be concerned about your feelings. You have to do that for yourself, and, next time, find a man who is available.

 

Hun, we have told you that he never meant to call. We could all see it. He just told you that so you would leave him alone. Again, you are not and never were in a proper relationship with him, so do not hold him to the standard of a man who is in a relationship with you. He never told you he wanted a real, committed relationship. He was upfront that he was still married and was not looking for more than sex. It happens. You are not the first who has been caught in this situation. You chose to see it for more than it was.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately you have plummeted into bunny boiler/hair doll territory. You need help that this board can't provide.

[tillwemeetagain]

Hello.

 

We’ve been seeing each other for five months. He had recently ended a long relationship (10 years) and told me the divorce isn't over yet.

He was the one who ended his relationship and said he doesn’t want to go back to it. He said he has some problems with his wife but wasn’t specific. He told me it was hell living with her.

 

On our first date he told me he liked me a lot since the day we met and he wanted to know me better. Few dates later, he told me he’s not ready for a new serious relationship. For all this time I was the one calling him and asking him out, he almost never did it. We’ve been seeing each other once or twice a month. I was never calling him too much, I always waited for two weeks and then called.

 

I know that he told me what he wants and what he doesn’t want and it would be better for me not to expect anything.

I remember that after a few dates he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I asked if that was all he wanted and told him I don’t want just sex. His answer was “Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest”. And that made me think that things will develop after time.

 

He was always good to me when we were together – we held hands when we were outside, I met his friends, he always held me tight while we sleep, he bought me nice gift for my birthday. He told me few times he really feels good with me. He invited me to a vacation.

He said that it wasn’t just sex for him, but also it wasn’t anything serious.

I guess it wasn’t just sex and that’s what confused me and made me hope for more. I thought that since he wants to go on a vacation with me and to spend more time with me, maybe he would like to try for a more deep releationship. (I think that this kind of behaviour confused me – he said he didn’t want anything serious, but always was so nice and caring, I just thought of that as mixed signals). That’s when I told him I had feelings for him. He once again explained he's not ready for a new realationship right now. And he said he’s afraid that I might fall in love and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

 

After that we continued to go out. But it was all the same so I wrote him a letter asking if he had any feelings for me and if he thinks that maybe in the future we could have a serious relationship. We met to talk about this, he told me that right now he’s not able to have feelings for any woman. He said it’s better for us to stop seeing each other because it’s bad for me. I remember that when we talked I cried and was asking him to invite me over and said I didn’t want it to end because it would be worse for me this way. According to him, I would feel bad after every date. He said he knew I was suffering. He said to me that it was his fault and he should have thought earlier that I might fall in love. But I don’t want to blame him for anything. I appreciate that he took the time to explain to me how things were. I told him I was ok and would like to keep going this way and before I went home I said something like “see you in a few weeks”.

 

So for the next two months I’ve been calling him many times. Sometimes he called back and we had nice conversations, other times he didn’t answer my calls and that’s when i kept calling and sending text messages for days in a row until he answered. I sent him messages on Facebook too asking him why he’s doing this. Once he even called and said we could see each other soon, but that never happened. He was always nice on the phone. Other times he called and said he’ll call the next day again and he never did.

 

Finally, I wrote him another message saying that probably the time we spent together doesn’t mean anything to him and that he doesn’t even have a little respect for me just to answer my phone calls and that it really hurts. He didn’t even read it. Again, five days later I sent him a text asking him if he wants to meet. He called and said he doesn’t want us to see each other anymore because our relationship is pointless and a torture for me and for him because we were going nowhere. I asked him if he could invite me over so we could just have sex, and I asked him this a few times and everytime he said no. I know I really sounded desperate. Then he said we could meet to talk if a phone conversation wasn’t enough for me.

 

We met last Friday. I told him how happy I was with him, how I loved sleeping next to him, that I understand that he’s not ready for a relationship and that I’m accepting his decision not to see each other anymore, even if it’s hard for me and I don’t want to do it.

He said our relationship was always strange. It couldn’t have developed any other way. He said we couldn’t have any more dates anymore, but we could meet at the bar we go to with a company.

 

He told me he shouln’t have acted this way – to tell me he feels good with me and act distanced at the same time. Buт he said he has always told me how he really feels when he’s with me..

 

When I told him he must solve the problems he has, he said that he’s been trying for a long time and lately he’s been seeing his wife, he didn’t even know what they were trying to do, maybe not to divorce. But I was too afraid to ask him if he wants to get back together with

her.

This was actually their second separation. If there were problems that led to their separations, doesn’t this mean that it might happen again?

 

I told him that I’ll be glad if he calls just to see how I’m doing or to go out the two of us. He said he’ll call.

 

After this meeting I will try not to contact him for a long time.

So this way I’m giving him space and I’m showing him that I respect his decision.

I deactivated my Facebook account (I prefer to do that than deleting him from my friends list) so I won’t look at his profile and won’t see him tagged in photos. I’ve seen him tagged in photos from bars with some girls, which doesn’t necessarily means that he is also sleeping with them. I guess he just wants to have fun.

 

We go to the same bar, that’s where we met. He goes there almost every Saturday, so I won’t go there for a while.

 

I will try to make changes in my life – keep up with university, because I’ve been skipping lectures lately, get good grades, get a driver’s licence, start excercising, will colour my hair red because I’ve been wanting this for a long time.

 

And maybe then I’ll go to that bar because I know that the possibility to meet him there is big. But I’ll do it only after I made a positive change in my life. And I’ll see how it goes when I meet him. I guess what matters is how I act and talk when I see him. But I’ll think about this later.

I guess if anything happens we’ll start from the beginning. Maybe that is what I have to aim for – to be the girl from the beginning of our relationship, the one that attracted him and not to be the clingy, desperate chaser I turned into.

 

But this is just a plan... I can't promise even to myself that I'll be able to do it.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel devastated. I wish I knew there is some chance. Can you give me some hope, advice? Should I do this plan to do something positive in my life, to give him some space and then to try to contact him?

 

Thank you for reading this.

 

 

anna, you can do whatever you thinkis right for you. if you think that it is best that you change for best do it.. anyway its for your own self. as time goes by you will definitely realize that you do it because you like to have self improvement not just to PLEASE HIM AND HAVE HIM COME BACK TO YOU.. by now think what you think is right to have him comeback. make it as your motivation to improve oneself

goodluck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I want us to be friends - to go out, talk, drink beer, be there for each other. Is it so hard?

 

Yes, it is Because he doesn't want to.

 

Why have you not yet sought some type of professional support? That is where you will find peace.

[Weathersf1]

I'm not sure. I really don't know. Maybe he'll surprise me.

 

Jesus, I thought I was in bad shape but after reading your stuff, I starting to feel good where I am. Ignoring reality one thing, refusing to accept it is another. I can't accept she is gone but I understand I must sit tight and wait for the storm to pass.

 

You on the other hand not only ignore reality, you want to change it and are not willing to consider anything else other than what you believe reality should be.

 

I hope you get some professional cause you need it. I wish you well.

[fawnlawn]

Don't you want someone that cares about you and is willing to put you first? It's painfully clear he never had feelings for you nor plans to leave his wife despite what he told you about her. He never lied to you, but you did misinterpret his actions. He said he wanted sex and not a serious relationship. You agreed to that. It should be obvious that his being kind to you was 1. Common manners and 2. To ensure you both had mutually pleasurable sexual encounters.

 

I know you are hurting and that this is hard. Lord knows every relationship of mine has been like this minus the OW. But the difference between you and a lot of us trying to help us that you asked for help but then say our advice isn't what you meant. Why ask when you can't accept what we have to offer? It seems like you have some real growing up to do because no man, especially married, is worth you throwing your health and schooling - and essentially your future - away. But you don't seem to realize that's what you are doing.

 

In the evening I sent another text asking him why he's doing this.

 

This right here is probably what really did it. People get busy, people go through patches where they don't want to talk to anyone - and an explanation is not owed. To ask someone a question like that seems accusatory opposed to something like "Hey, is everything okay?" or even something fake like "My texts say they're not going through, crap. Let's see if you get this." Anything other than something that makes someone feel like the did something wrong. Especially after the person explains their position in the relationship.

 

 

His silence speaks volumes. He is not interested in a relationship.

 

This. This right here is something to pay attention to. If someone you care about is radio silence despite your contact, it's obvious they don't care about you.

 

 

Today I went to a perfume shop just to find and smell his perfume because it reminds me of him and our moments together.

 

This is ****ing creepy. Not cute or thoughtful or anything remotely positive. He did not die, he did not go missing, he is not in the hospital clinging to life. He ended a sexual relationship with you to fix things with his wife. Doing stuff like this is seriously borderlining being a stalker.

 

 

It would be better if he didn't say things like this. He knows how I feel and he knows that when he says he'll call I take it seriously. I wait for him and I expect he'll do it like he said he would.

 

That's another thing. You clearly are aware that he doesn't call, so you need to quit telling yourself he will and blaming him for not calling. Instead, say you took him seriously. Past tense. Because there is no future here other than a possible restraining order and even losing your friends who do care about you.

 

 

So I was just a substitute for his wife?

 

Wouldn't it be better for him and for people in situations like his to stay alone for a while after the break up? Why do people do this? Of course there is a possibility that they'll end up hurting someone.

 

YES! They were having problems and he needed someone to take her place as his lover while he sorted things out. Things were sorted, he left you, and decided to go back to her.

 

He didn't do anything wrong in this situation because he told you he didn't want anything serious. Up front. How could you think he would decide to leave his wife for you when he said all he wanted was sex for the time being? Just because you wouldn't look for sex after ending a relationship or taking a break doesn't mean doing so is wrong. No one needs to stay alone after a break up, they just need to be honest. He was, you just weren't listening to him, too busy trying to turn him into something he's not.

 

 

I'm sorry for being so blunt but this got increasingly out of hand and ridiculous it seems. You're hurting no one but yourself and the way you're behaving defeats the purpose of seeking out advice and health. I wish you will pay attention in the future instead of trying to force things to go your way.

[Lifeissomething]

SO much entertainment in this thread, thank you!

 

Anna, you're absolutely bonkers. Sorry princess, but just because you want something you feel something, doesn't mean you're entitled to anything. I want a ferrari and Natalie Portman, in fact I love both--WHY DO I NOT HAVE THEM, WHAT CAN I DO TO GET THEM GUYS?!?!?!

 

You need help and therapy. Guess what? That's okay!

I'm in therapy, have been for 4+ years and I take medication. The stigma that 'you're truly messed' if you need help is BS--you're truly messed, and getting help will help fix that. You're only going to get MORE MESSED without help. So how is this a bad thing? You have a deathly dose of denial, what else is this permeating in? You already deny responsibilities such as work and school because of your heartache, so right here is an example of it manifesting.

 

You're grasping at everything and being a drama queen about your situation. I was in a relationship with someone I saw more in 2 weeks than you did in 5 months, spoke marriage with about, who absolutely destroyed my heart, and I still have to see everyday of the week at work. Guess what? I'm still standing. It was hard, but I have stood firm. Facebook and all that? Obviously have avoided, but

 

You can be too if you would get over your fantasy, your delusions, your craziness, and down right stupidity, and admitted: you're extremely messed from this heartbreak and need some help. Again, there is nothing wrong with this! People have murdered in your situation, but you're obsessing and texting which in the grand scheme of things is only embarrassing to you, and at worst you may regret these actions in the coming months/years, but who knows maybe you laugh at them with your friends and enjoy your personal growth. People have been where you are and done much worse. With that, you're bonkers and need help. That's the brass tax, you're obsessive, in denial, carrying a lot of emotional heartache/baggage, and if you don't address these issues, they will surface and plague you down the road. Perhaps this is the situation that caused you to get help that changed your life forever, in which this is probably one of the best things to happen to you (Not him or your craziness, that's never going to happen).

 

Asking and receiving help is not an issue--NOT DOING ANYTHING IS THE ISSUE.

 

As a guy who has dealt with crazies: he dreads hearing from you. I imagine his inner-circle knows how nuts you are. You've lost all dignity (rightfully so) in his eyes. Thank god you aren't famous, don't have to worry about TMZ and gossip columns etc....but understand, he made every mistake in the book and he doesn't want you back. He'll run for the hills before he even considers that. I still remember the crazy girls have shown me in similar situations and that's over 5 years ago. Not the end of the world, it's just a guy. But you have to accept the hard truth: You had next to nothing, are obsessing over nothing, and it's manifested itself in a VERY unhealthy manner.

 

And truthfully, you're a hypocrite and naive--if you truly loved him, you'd be happy he was back with his wife (but you're selfish and only care about your feelings, no one else's, you haven't ONCE considered anyone else's feelings just yours, selfish selfish selfish!), secondly this wasn't a relationship, you were a booty-buddy who got hooked.

 

Someone said fatal attraction/play another one for me misty....if you don't get help this could be you in a few years.

 

I don't care if I made you cry, I don't know you from any other person on the street. Quite frankly I have grown a little annoyed at some of the sugarcoating in this thread. If you friends are encouraging you to continue with your actions and aren't sitting you down and saying "you need help" (presuming they know everything), your friends suck.

 

This isn't healthy. You need help. Get some immediately.

[ChickiePops]

Noooo!!! It's called Play Misty For Me!! Not Play it again Misty!

[Anna2000]

I imagine his inner-circle knows how nuts you are. You've lost all dignity (rightfully so) in his eyes.

There is nothing wrong with me so please don't call me that. I didn't always do the right things but I didn't do anything that crazy.

 

 

he doesn't want you back.

That's not true. You don't know him and you don't know what he wants.

[Anna2000]

I will try not to write here anymore. You sure know how to make someone feel worse.

Anyway, thank you for writing your opinions and I know you wanted to help. Good luck to everyone.

One day me and him will be together!

[despgirl]

I will try not to write here anymore. You sure know how to make someone feel worse.

Anyway, thank you for writing your opinions and I know you wanted to help. Good luck to everyone.

One day me and him will be together!

 

 

Good luck OP! Get some help as soon as possible and forget about him, please.

[lana-banana]

I will try not to write here anymore. You sure know how to make someone feel worse.

Anyway, thank you for writing your opinions and I know you wanted to help. Good luck to everyone.

One day me and him will be together!

 

Anna, please try to ignore the crueler people in this thread. It's a good idea to ignore cruel people in general. But please don't stop posing just because you aren't hearing what you want to hear. Sometimes the best life advice comes from people we don't want to listen to.

 

You will not be with this man one day. He doesn't want to talk to you; he doesn't even want to see you. Someone who had any interest in being with you would contact you, talk to you, make plans to spend time together. This man has only ignored you and made it very clear you don't have a future.

 

Why do you feel the need to pursue this particular man when there's a whole worod of eligible guys out there for you?

[Emaize3]

Hi Anna,

 

I think it's horrible for people to be mean. I know you loved this man and you're in denial. Most of of here do know that feeling so you're not crazy. The people here just want to help and are getting frustrated. If you need to vent, ask for the help of certain posters here (if you can). Best of luck

[Simon Phoenix]

I will try not to write here anymore. You sure know how to make someone feel worse.

Anyway, thank you for writing your opinions and I know you wanted to help. Good luck to everyone.

One day me and him will be together!

 

I really hope you're kidding.

[ChickiePops]

I will try not to write here anymore. You sure know how to make someone feel worse.

Anyway, thank you for writing your opinions and I know you wanted to help. Good luck to everyone.

One day me and him will be together!

 

Yup..and he will be bound, gagged, and stuffed into the trunk of your car at this rate..

 

Let's be honest here..you didn't want help, you wanted encouragement to feed your delusions. The sane part of you knows that nobody here set out to hurt your feelings. We tease but a big part of that is an effort to knock some sense into you.

 

Anna, you are bordering on scary here. I really hope you get help before you do something that could damage your life significantly. If you continue down your current path, you'll end up in jail.

 

I hope you'll come back here and update when you are mentally healthy enough. I know that I for one will not throw any of this in your face if you do. I just hope you can pull yourself out of this fog and get back to living a normal life.

 

Many people, at some point in our lives, have done embarrassing things for love. I have! When I was 22 I sat outside my recent ex-boyfriends apartment in the rain for two hours when he wouldn't answer my text. I hadn't realized anyone could see me (my ex, as it turned out, was not home, which spared me an even bigger embarrassment, and his neighbor does not appear to ever have told him about what I did) and as soon as his neighbor opened the door, I snapped out of it and felt humiliated. The neighbor was kind and gave me hot chocolate and a towel, which actually made me feel worse. Maybe you need an aha moment like that one.

 

Best of luck. I really mean that.