cold feet

[CarrieT]

I think you know what you need to do - you just hate having to do it.

 

You have a month left on your lease. That is good - you only have to put up with this for another month.

 

Start packing and looking for a new place - by yourself - now.

[sandylee1]

You have seen the emails .....this guy isn't marriage material. You need to part company as marriage will only end in divorce for you two. Before your last post. ..I considered advising on pre marriage counselling..but no need to waste your time and energy or money.

 

If you can manage till the end of your lease be done. He'll only lie to you if you tell him what you've found. You can say having considered everything..getting married isn't right for you both as a couple.

 

You shouldn't have any trust issues before marriage. I can't imagine walking down the aisle with a guy with these naked pics and emailing other women. No way.

[sm2281]

You have seen the emails .....this guy isn't marriage material. You need to part company as marriage will only end in divorce for you two. Before your last post. ..I considered advising on pre marriage counselling..but no need to waste your time and energy or money.

 

If you can manage till the end of your lease be done. He'll only lie to you if you tell him what you've found. You can say having considered everything..getting married isn't right for you both as a couple.

 

You shouldn't have any trust issues before marriage. I can't imagine walking down the aisle with a guy with these naked pics and emailing other women. No way.

 

Me neither. But the rest of him is great. That's what makes it so confusing. . . That's whats up with the cold feet I guess. I am tired with this. I'm probably not going to do it. It would have been a beautiful wedding. It could be a beautiful life. thats the sad part. It could be beautiful if he were just honest.

Idk why he cant be honest with himself. And with me.

I guess this is as good as it gets.

 

Xoxox to you all

♡

I love this board

[SJS]

Me neither. But the rest of him is great. That's what makes it so confusing. . . That's whats up with the cold feet I guess. I am tired with this. I'm probably not going to do it. It would have been a beautiful wedding. It could be a beautiful life. thats the sad part. It could be beautiful if he were just honest.

Idk why he cant be honest with himself. And with me.

I guess this is as good as it gets.

 

Xoxox to you all

♡

I love this board

Could be....but don't fool yourself.

 

 

When you find the actual "right one", it will be better than ^^this.

[HereNorThere]

I know you're trying rationalize, but sometimes you can't see the forest because of the trees. See, you're trying to make this out to be about these particular incidents instead of the overall bird's eye view of this man's personality. He will always be liar and most likely a cheater. You've had a ton of warning about him, but it's still going to hurt when it happens again. Sure, those incidents were in the past, but so everything other than the present and future. His personality type is in the present and that's what you really should be looking at.

 

Everything inside of you is screaming RUN, GO, SAVE YOURSELF, but you continue to rationalize and justify. I know it's going to be hard to tell your family that you aren't getting married. I also know first hand how hard it is to get back into the dating game after being in a relationship. It doesn't change the fact that it needs to be done.

 

This isn't cold feet. You know this man is very, very dangerous. Please don't allow him to father any children with you. Could you imagine how hard life would be if this guy was your dad? Surely you would do that to future children. They deserve so much better and so do you.

[Satu]

The Moon wouldn't be far enough away.

[Mr. Lucky]

He never actually slept woth anyone else

 

That you know of. Guys don't join these sites, maintain a profile and respond to inquiries for the scintillating conversation. The services have a singular and specific purpose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sm2281]

I know you're trying rationalize, but sometimes you can't see the forest because of the trees. See, you're trying to make this out to be about these particular incidents instead of the overall bird's eye view of this man's personality. He will always be liar and most likely a cheater. You've had a ton of warning about him, but it's still going to hurt when it happens again. Sure, those incidents were in the past, but so everything other than the present and future. His personality type is in the present and that's what you really should be looking at.

 

Everything inside of you is screaming RUN, GO, SAVE YOURSELF, but you continue to rationalize and justify. I know it's going to be hard to tell your family that you aren't getting married. I also know first hand how hard it is to get back into the dating game after being in a relationship. It doesn't change the fact that it needs to be done.

 

This isn't cold feet. You know this man is very, very dangerous. Please don't allow him to father any children with you. Could you imagine how hard life would be if this guy was your dad? Surely you would do that to future children. They deserve so much better and so do you.

 

I have 2 of my own already, and there is no way I'm having any more. Period. (No pun intended lol)

My tubes are tied anyway

 

 

Thanks for the birds eye perspective c that is exactly right.

 

The phtotos that are saved were all from 2012? I have no idea what thats about if its not now. We've been together for 2years, almost 3 at nuptials day.

 

I havent yet confronted him about the email with the saved pics. They are all old, bt why hang onto that anyway.

 

I *know* he hasnt slept with anyone else. I am keeping my eye open for signs right now, but yea. I know. Not only because he's been home every night but because ive been so far up in his **** that I should work for the goddam FBI. (Lol) phones accoubts etc.

 

My favorite aunt rsvp'd last night.my mom wont be there because she passed away so im giving my aunts flowers in her honor. Im going to feel humiliated when the wedding gets called off.

 

Maybe I am making it into more than it is.

Please dont judge me, what if there was actually life before me and he just doesnt understand tieing up loose ends? I feel that he is genuine and made some mistkes, but maybe these loose ends and doing things on a whim due to lack of preparedness for a relationship.

I dont want to downplay my feelings, but he complies with everything I ask, as long as its agreeable. And he blames it on communication, but also takes responsibility and apologizes.

 

My dad was a perpetual cheater. He probably still is, and this guy behaves nothing like that. . .so im not entirely naive about it. Not to mention ive been cheted before.

[SJS]

I went back and reread some of your old posts...you have been making excuses and trying to justify staying with this guy for over a year now. I quit reading at 12/2014.

 

 

It's one thing for just you to marry this guy, but your two kids are involved. Do you think this is a healthy relationship for them to form views on what relationships should be like?

 

 

Do you think divorce is less humiliating than calling off a wedding? Serious question...

 

 

Either way, I think you already have your mind made up. Good luck to you.

[sm2281]

I went back and reread some of your old posts...you have been making excuses and trying to justify staying with this guy for over a year now. I quit reading at 12/2014.

 

 

It's one thing for just you to marry this guy, but your two kids are involved. Do you think this is a healthy relationship for them to form views on what relationships should be like?

 

 

Do you think divorce is less humiliating than calling off a wedding? Serious question...

 

 

Either way, I think you already have your mind made up. Good luck to you.

 

I remember every post ive made about this man particularly. I was dating before this.

 

Yes, my children are involved. He stood by me for them while I fought their father for custody. He was at every court (2 states away mind you) and helped me pay for one of those trips. We collectively are now in a bad money situation due to the travel around it, and he's sold his hobby car to help us make it.

 

It has been a slow ride, and I think at times he doesnt know the rules. It's not all bad you see. I love hin to death, but it's mainly his ends with other women. I am not sure he is pursuing that, and I dont want to be quick to judge.

 

He moved into our apartment and would have no reason to stay. He makes his own money and he himself was a single guy with no kids. He is here because he wants to be, and would have no issue leaving at any time.

 

Some of these reasons are why I am in so much question. Why would he be hanging on?

Why wouldnt he just go?

He can get a piece of ass anywhere, but he chooses to stay here.

 

Maybe his loose ends after being single for so long are just loose ends? Is that too kuch to suggest ?

 

He pays his half, and I pay mine.

 

I have issues with these things, but what I am saying is that maybe it takes time to let them all go after years of being single.

 

I am kot teying to argue my way out of it, but I dont want to end it and call off a wedding without first considering every option. Cheating has been considered. What are the other options here, about why his behavior would be like this?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am kot teying to argue my way out of it, but I dont want to end it and call off a wedding without first considering every option. Cheating has been considered. What are the other options here, about why his behavior would be like this?

 

Only three I could think of:

 

1). He's lining up women to meet and sleep with

 

2). He's has some immature need to see himself as a "player" even though he's settled down with you

 

3). He's not sure your relationship will work out and he's forming his back up plans in advance

 

Each brings its own challenges though some are surmountable if the two of you will do the work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sm2281]

Only three I could think of:

 

1). He's lining up women to meet and sleep with

 

2). He's has some immature need to see himself as a "player" even though he's settled down with you

 

3). He's not sure your relationship will work out and he's forming his back up plans in advance

 

Each brings its own challenges though some are surmountable if the two of you will do the work...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr.Lucky.

 

It is #3 he has made that clear. he explicitly said exactly what you wrote in #3. He has said he isn't forming his back up plans, but is ready to move on if it doesn't work out.

 

I believe he was going to line up women and sleep with them back then, but at that point I could tell he was ready to leave, and we decided to work it out.

If you look at the long post I made in the let it go thread, that may explain the time frame and what happened there, when we decided to work it out. I believe he truly thought it was going to hell in a handbasket, amd then I came to my senses, stopped the biccaring, and decided to try. I dont think he is a "player" as his history is not really like that. He has a reasonable history. I thought it was bad too, and then we made boundaries and tried to solve the issues. The root being he assumed he had no freedom and any woman he spoke to was a threat even on an aquaintance level. He thought I wanted him to delete all women from social media and then never speak or look at another woman again. I had to explain the rules of engagement there and let him know this was not the case, but he had to respect boundaries within the relationship. Idc if hr speaks to women as long as he is respectful to us and put relationship. Because of past issues with his ex (who wanted him to do these things) he had assumed I wanted him to be like that too. which in turn pushed him away. when that came out and we got to the root of the problem wad when I could let go of what mistakes he had made.

 

also, I took things a bit more serious ly in the beginning than he did. his perception of relationship s before hand was no women period, and im over here like you can do what you want and it will be okay as long as you stay true and respectful to us. when I pushed back because of misunderstanding we easily lost sight of the actual problem because of defensive ness and bicxaring.

[bathtub-row]

Based on what you're saying, it seems like you have good reason to be hesitant about breaking things off with him. I guess the only thing I can offer is that you make it abundantly clear to him that if he does anything ever again to destroy your trust in him, whatever the reason, it's over. And you need to mean it.

 

The other thing you need to do is stop spying on him and hounding him about this topic. Either you fully trust him, or you don't. You cannot continue to ride the fence. If you can't fully trust him, then postpone the wedding until you feel differently, one way or the other. If he can't accept those terms, then walk away.

 

This is exactly why I would never stay with someone who cheated or acted like they were going to cheat. The trust is broken and very, very difficult to get back. For me, it's a complete dealbreaker.

Edited February 4, 2016 by bathtub-row

[turnera]

found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

Now he proposed and I said yes.

 

I dunno what to do. This is such a mess.

 

Any advice would help.

 

I want to marry him and think this won't happen again.

Then you are naive and a fool. You get the BEST behavior of your partner before you get married; AFTER you get married, they start taking you for granted and put LESS effort into being a great partner.

 

The real question here is to ask yourself why you would marry a person who ONLY offers this?

 

You KNOW this isn't a healthy relationship, you KNOW he will - and does - cheat on you, you know he lies, you know he keeps things from you...

 

tell me, please, what there is that's worth marrying him for.

 

And you can't use 'I love him.' I want REAL stuff. Enough real stuff that could possibly make up for the lying, cheating, hiding, and blaming.

 

hefty abuse in a past relationship

That alone is reason not to trust that he will be good for you. Once you've been abused, you're much more likely to pick the wrong partner, unless you've gone through a LOT of continuous therapy to deal with it. Did you? Edited February 4, 2016 by turnera

[sm2281]

Then you are naive and a fool. You get the BEST behavior of your partner before you get married; AFTER you get married, they start taking you for granted and put LESS effort into being a great partner.

 

The real question here is to ask yourself why you would marry a person who ONLY offers this?

 

You KNOW this isn't a healthy relationship, you KNOW he will - and does - cheat on you, you know he lies, you know he keeps things from you...

 

tell me, please, what there is that's worth marrying him for.

 

And you can't use 'I love him.' I want REAL stuff. Enough real stuff that could possibly make up for the lying, cheating, hiding, and blaming.

 

That alone is reason not to trust that he will be good for you. Once you've been abused, you're much more likely to pick the wrong partner, unless you've gone through a LOT of continuous therapy to deal with it. Did you?

 

So he helps in my lifes goals, as said in an earlier reaponse. He helped me get to court 2 states away, and stood by my side as I faced the custody for my 2 kids. he came to every court. he comes to my sick sons side and appointments.

 

he has helped me monetarily and sold his hobby car for me to have the money to get my daughter hom from her father (who was the cause of the hefty abuse)

 

he comes home every night and sloshes me with love and helps with chores.

 

his family now loves me now that ive gotten to know them, and they love and accept the children too.

 

he wants to see me reach my post divorce goals and adopt the kids.

 

he wants happiness and trust too.

 

he has some isr yea, but he's more than just a cheating abusive person and I would not even ever compare him to that. it is completely different.

 

I spoke with he woman he said iblove you to, on a whim he says. and ibwatched this go down in real time from desktop, so im pretty sure it was on a whim. and I made it clear and known she needed to back off and to him too.

 

So, we had some rockiness.

 

I am on the fence. I do need to stop snooping. it is sooooo hard on bad days when the wounds are open. thwy are getting better, and I would say for months I was at 2% trust and now im at 75%

 

I am hoping planning the wedding late in the year is going to provide the time needed to finish healing, and I wont do it if I dont feel right about it.

 

but you all have been great and thanks for letting me fet it out here, rather than bombarding him with all of this. that would be the worst thing ever right now.

 

I apologize that it came off as only cheating before, but cold feet and cold feet. I have reason to be a bit nervous, and everything but I want to be sure. this is why i asked here, so I can fet some good anonymous opinions outside of the box.

[sm2281]

as for the abuse

 

I didnt go to therapy.

 

I am highly out of my box dating him. I can and do recognize early signs of abuse.

I am not an idiot, I knew my ex would abuse me but I went into that one on the naive side, thinking I could change it because I loved him and he loved me.

 

I dont need therapy to recognize an ******* anymore lol red flags are not hard to spot when you are looking closely.

[sandylee1]

Okay....he has done some very caring stuff for you. A selfish man would not sell his car or be so supportive during custody battles.

I like to believe people can change.....is there any way you can postpone the wedding for a year and see how things go during that time?

 

His actions of the naked pics and the ILY are clearly not a dealbreaker...but give it a year to be sure.

 

I understand that a guy willing to take on the responsibility of 2 children must have some good qualities about him...but regarding the adoption....I'm not sure. Would the biological father agree to that?

 

I'm not sure of your ages.......is he really ok with not having any kids of his own?

[sm2281]

Okay....he has done some very caring stuff for you. A selfish man would not sell his car or be so supportive during custody battles.

I like to believe people can change.....is there any way you can postpone the wedding for a year and see how things go during that time?

 

His actions of the naked pics and the ILY are clearly not a dealbreaker...but give it a year to be sure.

 

I understand that a guy willing to take on the responsibility of 2 children must have some good qualities about him...but regarding the adoption....I'm not sure. Would the biological father agree to that?

 

I'm not sure of your ages.......is he really ok with not having any kids of his own?

 

So the reason we had to fight so hard in this court because I have been trying for 2 years to find my daughter. My ex was extremely abusive, so I couldnt take him to court until I could have him served. Their dad is now stripped of all parental rights and only can have supervised visits at the offering of $100 mo child support and that is it. He has been proven unfit. (finally)

 

we talked about kids. my tubes are tied, but if we want to try someday (not now of course) there are options later. I had them tied after my daughter as to not have another xhikd with a terminal illness. Its genetic, and because im no longer married to my ex there is no more risk with that.

 

mid 30s

[turnera]

So maybe this is something you can fix with a marriage counselor. Someone who can set out in front of him how his actions AFFECT you - hiding, lying, blaming. Maybe he's just never heard this stuff and maybe he was just acting the way he was raised (hide your bad stuff, etc.), and he'll be open to learn a new way. I still wouldn't go through with it if he won't go to therapy to learn this stuff.

[Mr. Lucky]

I finally broke down and went through his things and found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

If you've been together 3 years, when in the timeline of your relationship were his interactions with these women? When did you discover these things had occurred?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sm2281]

If you've been together 3 years, when in the timeline of your relationship were his interactions with these women? When did you discover these things had occurred?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

it comes up randomly

 

fo example when I found the OL thing I had check his comp and that was a month after the ILU by email that ibwatched go down. The OL account was shutbfown, but the timeline was 7months on the timestamp s for the pics and at the time recent messages to women in the area. This was in October. He propsed Dec. 8 after I let him know we would go out seperate ways when our lease was up, uf he wasn't ready to he faithful and open.

[Mr. Lucky]

it comes up randomly

 

fo example when I found the OL thing I had check his comp and that was a month after the ILU by email that ibwatched go down. The OL account was shutbfown, but the timeline was 7months on the timestamp s for the pics and at the time recent messages to women in the area. This was in October. He propsed Dec. 8 after I let him know we would go out seperate ways when our lease was up, uf he wasn't ready to he faithful and open.

 

Still confused - ha was contacting these women and had told one of them "I love you" in October 2015, after you'd been together for 2+ years?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sm2281]

at that point it was 1 1/2 years and I was having hormonal fots due to a medication.

one was through email which was the I LU thr other was an amateur porn website wherr he was sending and eeciving messages randomly to women on the website, with his own profile up as well. We are going to be at 2 years next month, and 3 years by the time our wedding is set. if that is better sense.

[sm2281]

why does the timeline matter?

[Mr. Lucky]

why does the timeline matter?

 

I feel there's less of a bond in the initial months of a relationship when all is new, which for some reason is when I thought his dalliance occurred. In a serious relationship at the 1 1/2 to 2 year mark, you're seeing him as about as committed as he'll ever be.

 

Which might not be very much .

 

sm2281, you seem like a smart and well-reasoned person. This is one instance where you should listen to your head rather than your heart. Hope the choices you make bring you happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky