Does the MM hurt?

[Conqueror]

It all depends on the state of each marriage prior to the A.

 

This MM 'says' he never loved his wife..but OP do you love your husband?

 

It all sounds like there was a lot of fantasy going on. Getting married..having kids..names etc. Did you ever discuss a timeline for any of this..or was it just talk?

 

I personally would not want to remain married to a man who didn't love me.... I don't suppose he's ever let his wife in on this important bit of information though.

 

I did love my husband. I never told MM that I didn't. In fact, I let him know that I did and that I did still find my husband attractive, whereas, he said he did not find his wife attractive. Unlike my MM, the thought of leaving my husband never even crossed my mind until I met MM. The problem that existed in my marriage was that I did not feel supported by my husband. I felt as though he did not motivate me, and anytime I discussed my dreams with my DH, I was quickly dismissed. He seemed to find negativity in everything I wanted to do in life. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom only. He did not want me returning to school nor did he want me to work. I felt as though life was passing me by.

 

When my youngest started school I told DH that I was going to get a job. That's where I met MM. He was the one who hired me. He started confiding in me and I did the same. He eventually told me how unhappy he was in his marriage. I told him that I didn't feel my DH supported me. He asked if my DH ever took me on dates and I told him no. That's when MM started taking me out and wining and dining me. He would often ask why/how could my husband take me for granted and not take his beautiful wife on dates. He eventually told me that he loved me. I didn't tell him I loved him until sometime later. We both agreed that there was no future since we were both married.

 

However, we continued seeing each other. He came to me one day and said, "Life is short. Why CAN'T two people be together if they really love each other? I am a STRAIGHT SHOOTER. I don't want to play games. If we love each other, we should be together, right? It is not fair for us to stay married to people we don't love. Its not fair to my wife. I told him I needed to think about it. Every time we talked or saw each other, he kept pressuring me to make up my mind. Our EA turned PA at this point.

 

I eventually told him that I did want to be with him. He ended up telling his wife how he felt about me, which caused her to call me and tell me that her husband said that he loved me. However, she needed to protect her family and asked me to stop seeing him so that they could work on things. He called me back a little while later and told me that I needed to talk to my husband and quickly, because if I didn't do it soon, things could end up getting pretty bad.

 

He told me that his mind was made up and that he did everything he was supposed to do, but I had done nothing. I really did want to be with MM at the time, but I had a hard time breaking the news to my husband and our children. They did not deserve this. My husband had not done anything wrong. But my heart was with this MM.

 

MM moved out of the house with his wife and kids, rented an apartment, and told me to talk to my husband and come home to him. He said that the place was for us to live. I STILL could not find it in my heart to talk to my husband. He even tried to give me a time limit to be with him. Originally, we agreed that we would be together in 1 year, then he told me that he wanted to change it to 6 months, to 3 months, to, TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND TONIGHT! I asked him if he could just wait a while. He started questioning how sincere I was and asked if I really planned on being with him, or was I faking.

 

I told him that I was not and that I needed more time. I asked, "Since you are leaving your wife, why can't you be alone just for a little while so that I can have more time?" He angrily said, "Oh, so you want me to be ALONE? I don't want to be alone! You need to make up your mind and be with me!"

 

He had also planned for the two of us to take a trip to AZ together. He planned to pay for everything and told me to worry about no expense. However, I decided to order my plane ticket, and told my husband it was a work related trip. However, forgot to log out of my work email which was at his company. One night, after having a fight with his wife, he left the house to go to his office. She decided to go to the office to talk with him, but he was not there.

 

She decided to check her email while she waited for him, but when she typed Gmail into her browser, my email inbox came up, because I forgot to log out. That's when she saw the confirmation of my plane ticket. She ended up calling me asking what was going on and why I was going to the same place he was going at the same time. She threatened to call my husband if I did not stop talking to her husband. She also ordered her own plane ticket to AZ, so I canceled mine.

 

A short time later, she blocked my facebook page from both his and her accounts. Sometimes she would unblock and block me again. The last time she blocked me she never unblocked. Before she blocked the last time, she posted pics of them looking happy.

 

He and I stopped talking for a while. He told her that we had been intimate during this time. Of course she was devastated. I decided to confess to my DH too, but I did not tell him everything the first time. I only told him that MM and I had been talking on the phone and texting a lot and that we had feelings for each other. As much as I tried to downplay those feelings, my husband was devastated and begged for another chance and that we had children together.

 

I told him we would work on things.

 

MM called me back. We continued to see each other whenever possible, but agreed we needed to take things underground. He told me that he decided to do the "Christian thing" and stay with his wife. He said he wasn't with her because he loved her, because he didn't. He was with her solely because of scripture. What the Bible said. We agreed to never have sex again. He also repeatedly asked that I NEVER, EVER tell my DH about him because if my DH ever found out, he would probably try to "step to him." He said that if my DH did, he would "put him down." He would "Kill him." Then everything would be over. I asked him repeatedly to stop saying things like this. I really did not believe he would kill my husband. I believe He is just a bunch of talk and doesn't handle situations well.

 

One day, MM and I made plans to do something really fun and really special. We were to meet the following Wednesday, but I got a series of text messages AND phone calls from his wife stating that she was going to tell my husband everything. I was already feeling guilty, but now it had become unbearable. Also, I got tired of getting phone calls from his wife threatening me. This was like the umpteenth time I had gotten a call from her. I told my husband everything. My husband called MM and told him that he was ABOUT to come to see him in person, but he wasn't going to go there with him.

 

However, if he ever called me again, there would be MAJOR problems. MM never called me again after that. I missed him a lot in the beginning. I spent a lot of time crying because everything felt so--"FINAL!" No closure, nothing.

 

A few days later, MM called my husband and basically tried to throw our relationship in his face and talked about the fact that we had a lot of sex. But, (he said) "he and his wife worked things out and they are 'BETTER THAN EVER."

 

I was so upset with him for calling my husband and telling him those things, because not once did I ever try to hurt his wife. For me, this affair was never about her. I loved HIM and thought we would be together.

 

In June, I saw him at a job meeting. To be clear, I transferred, so I no longer see him on a regular basis. We still work in the same industry, however. We were sitting at tables on opposite sides of the room. While I was sitting at my table talking to someone, MM suddenly came over and started talking to the same person I was talking to while I was in the middle of a conversation. He desperately tried to make eye contact with me, but I wouldn't allow it. I did not look at him and ignored him the entire time, because I was still upset with him.

 

In that moment, it felt good ignoring him but when I left I felt horrible. I wondered if I should have made eye contact so that we could talk.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I am in a much better place now than I was before but still find myself missing him sometimes. I just wondered if he felt the same-even though its been almost a year since the A.

[OneLov]

I did love my husband. I never told MM that I didn't. In fact, I let him know that I did and that I did still find my husband attractive, whereas, he said he did not find his wife attractive. Unlike my MM, the thought of leaving my husband never even crossed my mind until I met MM. The problem that existed in my marriage was that I did not feel supported by my husband. I felt as though he did not motivate me, and anytime I discussed my dreams with my DH, I was quickly dismissed. He seemed to find negativity in everything I wanted to do in life. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom only. He did not want me returning to school nor did he want me to work. I felt as though life was passing me by.

 

When my youngest started school I told DH that I was going to get a job. That's where I met MM. He was the one who hired me. He started confiding in me and I did the same. He eventually told me how unhappy he was in his marriage. I told him that I didn't feel my DH supported me. He asked if my DH ever took me on dates and I told him no. That's when MM started taking me out and wining and dining me. He would often ask why/how could my husband take me for granted and not take his beautiful wife on dates. He eventually told me that he loved me. I didn't tell him I loved him until sometime later. We both agreed that there was no future since we were both married.

 

However, we continued seeing each other. He came to me one day and said, "Life is short. Why CAN'T two people be together if they really love each other? I am a STRAIGHT SHOOTER. I don't want to play games. If we love each other, we should be together, right? It is not fair for us to stay married to people we don't love. Its not fair to my wife. I told him I needed to think about it. Every time we talked or saw each other, he kept pressuring me to make up my mind. Our EA turned PA at this point.

 

I eventually told him that I did want to be with him. He ended up telling his wife how he felt about me, which caused her to call me and tell me that her husband said that he loved me. However, she needed to protect her family and asked me to stop seeing him so that they could work on things. He called me back a little while later and told me that I needed to talk to my husband and quickly, because if I didn't do it soon, things could end up getting pretty bad.

 

He told me that his mind was made up and that he did everything he was supposed to do, but I had done nothing. I really did want to be with MM at the time, but I had a hard time breaking the news to my husband and our children. They did not deserve this. My husband had not done anything wrong. But my heart was with this MM.

 

MM moved out of the house with his wife and kids, rented an apartment, and told me to talk to my husband and come home to him. He said that the place was for us to live. I STILL could not find it in my heart to talk to my husband. He even tried to give me a time limit to be with him. Originally, we agreed that we would be together in 1 year, then he told me that he wanted to change it to 6 months, to 3 months, to, TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND TONIGHT! I asked him if he could just wait a while. He started questioning how sincere I was and asked if I really planned on being with him, or was I faking.

 

I told him that I was not and that I needed more time. I asked, "Since you are leaving your wife, why can't you be alone just for a little while so that I can have more time?" He angrily said, "Oh, so you want me to be ALONE? I don't want to be alone! You need to make up your mind and be with me!"

 

He had also planned for the two of us to take a trip to AZ together. He planned to pay for everything and told me to worry about no expense. However, I decided to order my plane ticket, and told my husband it was a work related trip. However, forgot to log out of my work email which was at his company. One night, after having a fight with his wife, he left the house to go to his office. She decided to go to the office to talk with him, but he was not there.

 

She decided to check her email while she waited for him, but when she typed Gmail into her browser, my email inbox came up, because I forgot to log out. That's when she saw the confirmation of my plane ticket. She ended up calling me asking what was going on and why I was going to the same place he was going at the same time. She threatened to call my husband if I did not stop talking to her husband. She also ordered her own plane ticket to AZ, so I canceled mine.

 

A short time later, she blocked my facebook page from both his and her accounts. Sometimes she would unblock and block me again. The last time she blocked me she never unblocked. Before she blocked the last time, she posted pics of them looking happy.

 

He and I stopped talking for a while. He told her that we had been intimate during this time. Of course she was devastated. I decided to confess to my DH too, but I did not tell him everything the first time. I only told him that MM and I had been talking on the phone and texting a lot and that we had feelings for each other. As much as I tried to downplay those feelings, my husband was devastated and begged for another chance and that we had children together.

 

I told him we would work on things.

 

MM called me back. We continued to see each other whenever possible, but agreed we needed to take things underground. He told me that he decided to do the "Christian thing" and stay with his wife. He said he wasn't with her because he loved her, because he didn't. He was with her solely because of scripture. What the Bible said. We agreed to never have sex again. He also repeatedly asked that I NEVER, EVER tell my DH about him because if my DH ever found out, he would probably try to "step to him." He said that if my DH did, he would "put him down." He would "Kill him." Then everything would be over. I asked him repeatedly to stop saying things like this. I really did not believe he would kill my husband. I believe He is just a bunch of talk and doesn't handle situations well.

 

One day, MM and I made plans to do something really fun and really special. We were to meet the following Wednesday, but I got a series of text messages AND phone calls from his wife stating that she was going to tell my husband everything. I was already feeling guilty, but now it had become unbearable. Also, I got tired of getting phone calls from his wife threatening me. This was like the umpteenth time I had gotten a call from her. I told my husband everything. My husband called MM and told him that he was ABOUT to come to see him in person, but he wasn't going to go there with him.

 

However, if he ever called me again, there would be MAJOR problems. MM never called me again after that. I missed him a lot in the beginning. I spent a lot of time crying because everything felt so--"FINAL!" No closure, nothing.

 

A few days later, MM called my husband and basically tried to throw our relationship in his face and talked about the fact that we had a lot of sex. But, (he said) "he and his wife worked things out and they are 'BETTER THAN EVER."

 

I was so upset with him for calling my husband and telling him those things, because not once did I ever try to hurt his wife. For me, this affair was never about her. I loved HIM and thought we would be together.

 

In June, I saw him at a job meeting. To be clear, I transferred, so I no longer see him on a regular basis. We still work in the same industry, however. We were sitting at tables on opposite sides of the room. While I was sitting at my table talking to someone, MM suddenly came over and started talking to the same person I was talking to while I was in the middle of a conversation. He desperately tried to make eye contact with me, but I wouldn't allow it. I did not look at him and ignored him the entire time, because I was still upset with him.

 

In that moment, it felt good ignoring him but when I left I felt horrible. I wondered if I should have made eye contact so that we could talk.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I am in a much better place now than I was before but still find myself missing him sometimes. I just wondered if he felt the same-even though its been almost a year since the A.

 

Woah. This paints an entirely different picture of the situation than your first post implied. So he left, and you balked? You broke your own heart? I'm sorry.

[Poppy47]

I can't speak for everyone, but he may miss the affair sex.

 

Is he hurting?

 

From that perspective, perhaps. Also, he may miss the ego strokes he was getting during the affair.

 

When a man meets an affair partner, the two are usually both on good behavior. They typically treat each other far more respectfully than they treat a spouse.

 

It's easy because the affair does not present the same pressures that a real relationship does. An affair is about sex and fun.

 

Liam

I suggest that is a very sweeping statement about affairs and MM. There really is nothing typical about any affair,just like any marriage. They come in all shapes and sizes.

 

A lot depends on the length of the affair. Do you think APs who separated , for example, after 8 years would say that their long relationship meant nothing but fun and sex ?

 

Poppy.

[OneLov]

I feel like if you read post #1 and #26 you may get an answer to your initial question -- because human emotions are complex and often do not follow logic.

 

You love the MM with everything in your heart but could not leave your H? Don't answer. That's a complicated question. But why is it not so unreasonable that he may have the same internal conflict? Why can't he communicate one emotion but seemingly contradict it with his outward expression?

 

What I am saying is try to find understanding by analyzing your own conflicting emotions. He may be saying or has said same thing about you? That's the only point I'm trying to make. I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

OL

[Gigi2015]

Conflict resolution and fence sitting...conflict avoidance....some folks think it's aggression if it's brought up...they can only accept enabling...but--it's the thing killing them and preventing them to move forward. It makes me sad...

[13Hearts]

I can't remember who wrote this, but your question reminded me of this quote:

 

Love, to a man, is a feeling

No more, no less.

Whereas love, to a woman

Is a matter of life or death.

[BuddyX]

You got played. And now you're messing with your own mind. "Did he make eye contact? Should have I made eye contact". Time to let go

 

Time to move. Focus on you and your hubby and kids.

[13Hearts]

I did love my husband. I never told MM that I didn't. In fact, I let him know that I did and that I did still find my husband attractive, whereas, he said he did not find his wife attractive. Unlike my MM, the thought of leaving my husband never even crossed my mind until I met MM. The problem that existed in my marriage was that I did not feel supported by my husband. I felt as though he did not motivate me, and anytime I discussed my dreams with my DH, I was quickly dismissed. He seemed to find negativity in everything I wanted to do in life. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom only. He did not want me returning to school nor did he want me to work. I felt as though life was passing me by.

 

When my youngest started school I told DH that I was going to get a job. That's where I met MM. He was the one who hired me. He started confiding in me and I did the same. He eventually told me how unhappy he was in his marriage. I told him that I didn't feel my DH supported me. He asked if my DH ever took me on dates and I told him no. That's when MM started taking me out and wining and dining me. He would often ask why/how could my husband take me for granted and not take his beautiful wife on dates. He eventually told me that he loved me. I didn't tell him I loved him until sometime later. We both agreed that there was no future since we were both married.

 

However, we continued seeing each other. He came to me one day and said, "Life is short. Why CAN'T two people be together if they really love each other? I am a STRAIGHT SHOOTER. I don't want to play games. If we love each other, we should be together, right? It is not fair for us to stay married to people we don't love. Its not fair to my wife. I told him I needed to think about it. Every time we talked or saw each other, he kept pressuring me to make up my mind. Our EA turned PA at this point.

 

I eventually told him that I did want to be with him. He ended up telling his wife how he felt about me, which caused her to call me and tell me that her husband said that he loved me. However, she needed to protect her family and asked me to stop seeing him so that they could work on things. He called me back a little while later and told me that I needed to talk to my husband and quickly, because if I didn't do it soon, things could end up getting pretty bad.

 

He told me that his mind was made up and that he did everything he was supposed to do, but I had done nothing. I really did want to be with MM at the time, but I had a hard time breaking the news to my husband and our children. They did not deserve this. My husband had not done anything wrong. But my heart was with this MM.

 

MM moved out of the house with his wife and kids, rented an apartment, and told me to talk to my husband and come home to him. He said that the place was for us to live. I STILL could not find it in my heart to talk to my husband. He even tried to give me a time limit to be with him. Originally, we agreed that we would be together in 1 year, then he told me that he wanted to change it to 6 months, to 3 months, to, TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND TONIGHT! I asked him if he could just wait a while. He started questioning how sincere I was and asked if I really planned on being with him, or was I faking.

 

I told him that I was not and that I needed more time. I asked, "Since you are leaving your wife, why can't you be alone just for a little while so that I can have more time?" He angrily said, "Oh, so you want me to be ALONE? I don't want to be alone! You need to make up your mind and be with me!"

 

He had also planned for the two of us to take a trip to AZ together. He planned to pay for everything and told me to worry about no expense. However, I decided to order my plane ticket, and told my husband it was a work related trip. However, forgot to log out of my work email which was at his company. One night, after having a fight with his wife, he left the house to go to his office. She decided to go to the office to talk with him, but he was not there.

 

She decided to check her email while she waited for him, but when she typed Gmail into her browser, my email inbox came up, because I forgot to log out. That's when she saw the confirmation of my plane ticket. She ended up calling me asking what was going on and why I was going to the same place he was going at the same time. She threatened to call my husband if I did not stop talking to her husband. She also ordered her own plane ticket to AZ, so I canceled mine.

 

A short time later, she blocked my facebook page from both his and her accounts. Sometimes she would unblock and block me again. The last time she blocked me she never unblocked. Before she blocked the last time, she posted pics of them looking happy.

 

He and I stopped talking for a while. He told her that we had been intimate during this time. Of course she was devastated. I decided to confess to my DH too, but I did not tell him everything the first time. I only told him that MM and I had been talking on the phone and texting a lot and that we had feelings for each other. As much as I tried to downplay those feelings, my husband was devastated and begged for another chance and that we had children together.

 

I told him we would work on things.

 

MM called me back. We continued to see each other whenever possible, but agreed we needed to take things underground. He told me that he decided to do the "Christian thing" and stay with his wife. He said he wasn't with her because he loved her, because he didn't. He was with her solely because of scripture. What the Bible said. We agreed to never have sex again. He also repeatedly asked that I NEVER, EVER tell my DH about him because if my DH ever found out, he would probably try to "step to him." He said that if my DH did, he would "put him down." He would "Kill him." Then everything would be over. I asked him repeatedly to stop saying things like this. I really did not believe he would kill my husband. I believe He is just a bunch of talk and doesn't handle situations well.

 

One day, MM and I made plans to do something really fun and really special. We were to meet the following Wednesday, but I got a series of text messages AND phone calls from his wife stating that she was going to tell my husband everything. I was already feeling guilty, but now it had become unbearable. Also, I got tired of getting phone calls from his wife threatening me. This was like the umpteenth time I had gotten a call from her. I told my husband everything. My husband called MM and told him that he was ABOUT to come to see him in person, but he wasn't going to go there with him.

 

However, if he ever called me again, there would be MAJOR problems. MM never called me again after that. I missed him a lot in the beginning. I spent a lot of time crying because everything felt so--"FINAL!" No closure, nothing.

 

A few days later, MM called my husband and basically tried to throw our relationship in his face and talked about the fact that we had a lot of sex. But, (he said) "he and his wife worked things out and they are 'BETTER THAN EVER."

 

I was so upset with him for calling my husband and telling him those things, because not once did I ever try to hurt his wife. For me, this affair was never about her. I loved HIM and thought we would be together.

 

In June, I saw him at a job meeting. To be clear, I transferred, so I no longer see him on a regular basis. We still work in the same industry, however. We were sitting at tables on opposite sides of the room. While I was sitting at my table talking to someone, MM suddenly came over and started talking to the same person I was talking to while I was in the middle of a conversation. He desperately tried to make eye contact with me, but I wouldn't allow it. I did not look at him and ignored him the entire time, because I was still upset with him.

 

In that moment, it felt good ignoring him but when I left I felt horrible. I wondered if I should have made eye contact so that we could talk.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I am in a much better place now than I was before but still find myself missing him sometimes. I just wondered if he felt the same-even though its been almost a year since the A.

 

Wow! It sounds like he really wanted to be with you but you just cannot do it because, you're right, it's not fair to your husband or children. It's best if you leave that man alone. You did the right thing by not speaking to him at the conference.

[Conqueror]

I never once felt played. I felt that he loved me at the time. But my husband told me that he played me and now you are too, so I have to consider that possibility. Can you please tell me why:

 

1. He told his wife he loved me and was leaving?

 

2. Why he called my husband to throw our relationship in his face?

 

I have known of men who cheat, but they and the women they were cheating with had an understanding. No talk of leaving the wife whatsoever. Why did he tell his wife?

[MuddyFootprints]

He was in the love bubble just as much as you are/were. Exposure tends to burst that bubble.

[Horton]

You're on the OW forum which is filled with OW and some former OW. The last thing most of them want to hear is that their relationship with their MM, which many of them have invested years of their lives into and sacrificed their time, their emotional health, their values and in some cases their family and their dignity for was just a bunch of calculated bullsh*t designed by the MM to either get into her pants or getting their ego high off of them. The one MM who came here and gave you an insider view of things that you apparently were looking for(where he admitted that it was just about sex and fun on his end) is now receiving a "talking to" by several OW. What does that tell you OP? There's a reason this site(and sites like it) are filled with countless OW/MW and very few MM.

 

It's an inherently one sided relationship based on the MM's convenience and luckily for them there's no shortage of women who are willing to eat the scraps from the MM's table. Most MM have it made in their view of things, they get to have their little fun on the side with another woman and once things go south they usually walk away with their family (mostly)intact, while the OW/MW are either here posting about every minutia of the MM's existence(your meeting for example) or they're desperately attempting to put the shattered pieces that was once their family back together. You appear to have chosen the former position.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, I remember conversing with you on here before in a previous thread of yours and I wonder if you ever told your husband about how you actually feel about him and the OM. If I recall correctly you're still in love with the OM even after he threatened to kill your husband and called him up on the phone to mock his inadequacy and gloat about f'n his wife. I think it's safe to assume that you haven't made much forward momentum yet since you're back here again speculating about how the OM truly felt about you, but I guess that's pretty typical for married women who cheat. Whereas MM, well you can count on one hand the amount of them who are pondering on message boards about whether or not their MW/OW truly loved them, they're generally posting happy family photos on FB. Maybe that answers your original question.

[waterwoman]

Of course they do. I'd defy anyone other than a total sociopath not to be hurt when a relationship of any significance comes to an end. The difference is in degree.

 

My H is an emotionally reserved man. I have seen him weep only a handful of times. Those times were due to loss or the fear of loss of someone he loved - his grandfather, his father, recently when his best friend was taken into intensive care, sedated and put on ECMO with a low probability of survival. The only other time was a few months after dday when I mentioned that I didn't know if I could stay in our marriage. Was he sad about OW - yes, of course, he was very upset that it had to end but it wasn't the most important thing in his life at that time.

[BuddyX]

To the OP, I'll leave you with a quoted paragraph from this forum. Whoever wrote this is dead on. And please take credit for it.

 

"Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day he or you will disappear because your partners find out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

[sandylee1]

I did love my husband. I never told MM that I didn't. In fact, I let him know that I did and that I did still find my husband attractive, whereas, he said he did not find his wife

She decided to check her email while she waited for him, but when she typed Gmail into her browser, my email inbox came up, because I forgot to log out. That's when she saw the confirmation of my plane ticket. She ended up calling me asking what was going on and why I was going to the same place he was going at the same time. She threatened to call my husband if I did not stop talking to her husband. She also ordered her own plane ticket to AZ, so I canceled mine.

 

A short time later, she blocked my facebook page from both his and her accounts. Sometimes she would unblock and block me again. The last time she blocked me she never unblocked. Before she blocked the last time, she posted pics of them looking happy.

 

He and I stopped talking for a while. He told her that we had been intimate during this time. Of course she was devastated. I decided to confess to my DH too, but I did not tell him everything the first time. I only told him that MM and I had been talking on the phone and texting a lot and that we had feelings for each other. As much as I tried to downplay those feelings, my husband was devastated and begged for another chance and that we had children together.

 

I told him we would work on things.

 

 

However, if he ever called me again, there would be MAJOR problems. MM never called me again after that. I missed him a lot in the beginning. I spent a lot of time crying because everything felt so--"FINAL!" No closure, nothing.

 

A few days later, MM called my husband and basically tried to throw our relationship in his face and talked about the fact that we had a lot of sex. But, (he said) "he and his wife worked things out and they are 'BETTER THAN EVER."

 

I was so upset with him for calling my husband and telling him those things, because not once did I ever try to hurt his wife. For me, this affair was never about her. I loved HIM and thought we would be together.

 

In June, I saw him at a job meeting. To be clear, I transferred, so I no longer see him on a regular basis. We still work in the same industry, however. We were sitting at tables on opposite sides of the room. While I was sitting at my table talking to someone, MM suddenly came over and started talking to the same person I was talking to while I was in the middle of a conversation. He desperately tried to make eye contact with me, but I wouldn't allow it. I did not look at him and ignored him the entire time, because I was still upset with him.

 

In that moment, it felt good ignoring him but when I left I felt horrible. I wondered if I should have made eye contact so that we could talk.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I am in a much better place now than I was before but still find myself missing him sometimes. I just wondered if he felt the same-even though its been almost a year since the A.

 

This explains a whole lot more.

 

He WAS serious about you....but I don't like how he said those things to hurt your husband...He's not a good man doing that.

 

Also leaving would need planning......it's like he wanted to call ALL the shots and he put you under pressure by changing the timeline.

 

That's a glimpse of what life with him would have been like in reality. Not in affair land...but in the cold light of day..it's HIS way or the highway.

 

Instead of missing him.....think about how it hurt your husband with no reason. How would he feel if you told his wife he doesn't love her and never did ...but thought it would grow. If you told her he's only with her because you would not leave your husband in the speedy time frame.

 

You don't want to be with a man like this. His actions are full of CONTROL.

 

Channel your energy back to your husband. Continue to apologise and thank him for giving you the gift of reconciliation. You are focusing on MM...... I was just wondering what you've done to try and repair the damage to your BH.

 

Him not supporting you is no reason to have an affair. You just proceed with your plans and tell him you want more from life. You stay strong and go ahead with your career and ignore his lack of support.

 

Did you ever tell him that you don't find him supportive?

I'm not saying you should use that as an excuse for the affair...but you should tell him that his lack of support isn't good.

[Liam1]

A few days later, MM called my husband and basically tried to throw our relationship in his face and talked about the fact that we had a lot of sex. But, (he said) "he and his wife worked things out and they are 'BETTER THAN EVER."

Conqueror:

 

This action from your OM is very disrespectful and immature.

 

If he truly cared about you, on any level. He would not have done this.

 

If he were a caring person, he would not want to hurt your husband that way, while you two are staying together.

 

There may be OM who are exceptions. But in my experience, going back to my college days, a guy who dates a married woman is NOT looking for a real relationship. He is looking for a no strings attached type of relationship.

 

Even if they are dating the married woman for ten years, 9 times out of 10, the guy only wants a responsibility-free sexual relationship, no matter what he tells the OW.

 

Some OM are honest and tell the OW, they will never leave the wife. But there are plenty who are willing to lie to the OW.

 

Also, this guy sounds as if his ego needs to be in competition with your husband. It was just an affair, but he still needs to be more important to you than your husband is to you.

[Lovetoohard]

You're on the OW forum which is filled with OW and some former OW. The last thing most of them want to hear is that their relationship with their MM, which many of them have invested years of their lives into and sacrificed their time, their emotional health, their values and in some cases their family and their dignity for was just a bunch of calculated bullsh*t designed by the MM to either get into her pants or getting their ego high off of them. The one MM who came here and gave you an insider view of things that you apparently were looking for(where he admitted that it was just about sex and fun on his end) is now receiving a "talking to" by several OW. What does that tell you OP? There's a reason this site(and sites like it) are filled with countless OW/MW and very few MM.

 

It's an inherently one sided relationship based on the MM's convenience and luckily for them there's no shortage of women who are willing to eat the scraps from the MM's table. Most MM have it made in their view of things, they get to have their little fun on the side with another woman and once things go south they usually walk away with their family (mostly)intact, while the OW/MW are either here posting about every minutia of the MM's existence(your meeting for example) or they're desperately attempting to put the shattered pieces that was once their family back together. You appear to have chosen the former position.

 

 

This was a tough pill to swallow but much needed, so thank you for this. I have refrained from being cynical about my R with my MM (thankfully ex now) and you're right - if you see past all the fluff, it was only about fun, a happy escape from the daily mundane routine, and a constant ego feed. Feelings of "love" and "friendship" were professed and interpreted in an inflated manner, with little to no action to substantiate their sincerity or depth.

 

It's funny how people under an emotionally fueled haze interpret things to mean what they want them to mean.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[elaine567]

However, we continued seeing each other. He came to me one day and said, "Life is short. Why CAN'T two people be together if they really love each other? I am a STRAIGHT SHOOTER. I don't want to play games. If we love each other, we should be together, right? It is not fair for us to stay married to people we don't love. Its not fair to my wife. I told him I needed to think about it. Every time we talked or saw each other, he kept pressuring me to make up my mind. Our EA turned PA at this point.

 

The poor man did everything to entice you away from your husband, he even told his wife he loved you, and rented an apartment, which was his way of showing his commitment to YOU, but you in fact did what many MM men do to their OWs, and you kept him dangling on a string.

 

I'll tell my husband but not yet...

We WILL be together, but I need time...

I will definitely do it, but not yet...

I love you of course I do, but I cannot tell my husband yet...

 

Eventually, I guess he gave up, he realised he was wasting his time, you were never going to tell your husband or leave. He, I guess then thought, the affair to you was just a fun diversion and he was an idiot for thinking you really cared, and that is when he decided to hurt your husband with his revelations.

Your husband, who he saw as the victor for your affections needed to hurt like he did, and at the same time he got back at you, for stringing him along.

Now the heat is off, he is no longer available and he is trying to make a go of it with his wife, you want him...

If you really, truly want him, then YOU need to sort this, but if again you are going to still hum and haw, then leave him be.

Edited February 2, 2016 by elaine567

[Liam1]

He eventually told me that he loved me. I didn't tell him I loved him until sometime later. We both agreed that there was no future since we were both married.

 

IMO, this type of talk is all affair fueled fantasy stuff.

 

You two have never had an open real, day to day dating relationship with each other.

 

It was all hidden, secretive, forbidden meetings without ever socializing with other people together, and never seeing each other with a cold and never spending enough time together to ever argue about silly things like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom.

 

How can you know, if you love someone that you have never seen in the harsh light of reality?

 

How can he know he loves you?

[Doublegold]

IMO, this type of talk is all affair fueled fantasy stuff.

 

You two have never had an open real, day to day dating relationship with each other.

 

It was all hidden, secretive, forbidden meetings without ever socializing with other people together, and never seeing each other with a cold and never spending enough time together to ever argue about silly things like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom.

 

How can you know, if you love someone that you have never seen in the harsh light of reality?

 

How can he know he loves you?

 

I know people married to the person they had an affair with. Quite a few. We met on a Board much like this many years ago....Some married, some moved on (and still hear from the XAP).

 

Not everyones affair was like yours Liam. I get that yours was meaningless and hidden and only about sex. You keep coming to the OM/OW board to state that. Perhaps you would of been better served to not look for an OW but instead to have gone to a provider--that way you were paying for the privilige to go home as they say--without all the melodrama that followed YOU personally having sex with another married person under the guise of an affair.

 

Let me be clear-OUR A was not hidden nor only about sex. We spent extended periods of time together-- even when sick (is that a prerequisite for love?). We used the same sink and even shared tootbrushes (imagine that). We went out together in the harsh light of the sun 100's of times--and in the night too! We vacationed together many times. We socialized with each others friends (yes the same ones that went to his house and hung out with his wife and family) BTW they loved me and said he had never been happier in his life. We hung out with my friends (they love him). My family loves him.

 

I can go on and on but you get the idea? Please stop generalizing about the meaning of love presented by posters on this sub-forum. There are people here posting who are hurting deeply. Do you have any empathy? If not why post? I would never challenge the meaning of the love you feel/express for you wife. Would you like to hear me say once a cheater always a cheater? That you will cheat again because you did once? Of course not--that would be generalizing.

 

My questions to you do not require/want/need an answer from you. They are merely my own musings. BTW I was married for 27 yrs, separated two of those years. I divorced when I knew I didn't love him anymore.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Doublegold
spelling :)

[Liam1]

I know people married to the person they had an affair with. Quite a few. We met on a Board much like this many years ago....Some married, some moved on (and still hear from the XAP).

 

Not everyones affair was like yours Liam. I get that yours was meaningless and hidden and only about sex. You keep coming to the OM/OW board to state that. Perhaps you would of been better served to not look for an OW but instead to have gone to a provider--that way you were paying for the privilige to go home as they say--without all the melodrama that followed YOU personally having sex with another married person under the guise of an affair.

 

Let me be clear-OUR A was not hidden nor only about sex. We spent extended periods of time together-- even when sick (is that a prerequisite for love?). We used the same sink and even shared tootbrushes (imagine that). We went out together in the harsh light of the sun 100's of times--and in the night too! We vacationed together many times. We socialized with each others friends (yes the same ones that went to his house and hung out with his wife and family) BTW they loved me and said he had never been happier in his life. We hung out with my friends (they love him). My family loves him.

 

I can go on and on but you get the idea? Please stop generalizing about the meaning of love presented by posters on this sub-forum. There are people here posting who are hurting deeply. Do you have any empathy? If not why post? I would never challenge the meaning of the love you feel/express for you wife. Would you like to hear me say once a cheater always a cheater? That you will cheat again because you did once? Of course not--that would be generalizing.

 

My questions to you do not require/want/need an answer from you. They are merely my own musings. BTW I was married for 27 yrs, separated two of those years. I divorced when I knew I didn't love him anymore.

 

Double Gold:

 

I was responding to conguerors post and question.

 

She was asking the question, I answered.

 

All of my answers to congueror are tempered with, IMO.

 

She asked a guestion. Peope are offering their opinions. I can see you don't like mine. Well sorry, but you did not ask the question, and I was not talking to you.

 

Therefore your angry post to me is very odd. What is really bothering you?

 

You do realize that I was responding to conqueror, right?

 

In any case I am glad things worked out for you and that you somehow managed to convince yourself that your affair was not REALLY an affair.

 

But the fact is, if one of you was married, it was an affair. In your case things worked out. Good for you.

 

However the stats show that only 3 percent of marriages born from an affair last. Look it up or talk to a marriage counselor.

 

Whatever. I am glad things worked out for you, but what does that have to do with me offering my opinion to the thread starter?

 

Perhaps you would of been better served to not look for an OW but instead to have gone to a provider--that way you were paying for the privilige to go home as they say--without all the melodrama that followed YOU personally having sex with another married person under the guise of an affair.

Uhm, according to my marriage counselor, I ACTUALLY had an affair. I did not have sex with a woman UNDER the guise of an affair. I actually had an affair. If I told my counselor that I had sex under the guise of an affair she would say I was delusional.

 

Anyway, I agree, I should have paid a sex-service provider, instead of believing the OW when she claimed she only wanted an affair and never wanted to leave her husband.

 

But the fact is I had an affair. I was married and she was married and we both engaged in sexual activity. That is by definition an affair.

 

If you say you did not have an affair, who am I to argue, and personally, I really don't care whether or not you had an affair or whether or not you even think you had an affair. I was posting to conqueror, not you.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Liam1
clarification

[Doublegold]

Liam I understand you were posting to Conqueror. I was addressing the generalizations. I never said I wasn't in an affair--I stated I didn't have one when married.

 

Thanks for your post. I apologize if I came off as angry. That is not my nature generally.

 

Back on topic.

[MJJean]

Liam

 

A lot depends on the length of the affair. Do you think APs who separated , for example, after 8 years would say that their long relationship meant nothing but fun and sex ?

 

Poppy.

 

I can't answer that for everyone, obviously, but I can answer it for me. I had an affair that lasted 6 years. Yes, it was about fun and sex. He was a friend with benefits. Of course I missed him a little when I ended it, but I certainly wasn't hurting over him in the romantic sense.

 

Having been a wayward and having enough wayward friends to notice patterns, most of them didn't think of their affairs as anything more than a fantasy, a break from reality. Fun in the moment and then back to real life. Kind of like a visit to the Star Trek holo suite.

[MJJean]

Of course they do. I'd defy anyone other than a total sociopath not to be hurt when a relationship of any significance comes to an end. The difference is in degree.

 

This is very true, but the catch is "relationship of significance". To a lot of MM/MW, their affairs aren't a relationship of significance. This is something that can be difficult for OM/OW to understand, especially if the relationship was significant to them.

[Gigi2015]

This is very true, but the catch is "relationship of significance". To a lot of MM/MW, their affairs aren't a relationship of significance. This is something that can be difficult for OM/OW to understand, especially if the relationship was significant to them.

 

Or when someone deliberately fed them lies and expectations changed....when. MM professed love with tears in his eyes....future faked, etc. NOT all MM/MW are the same. And---actually some are merely confused due to engaging in another relationship before the first was over. The marriage ins't over until the ink is dry.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Gigi2015

[MJJean]

Or when someone deliberately fed them lies and expectations changed....when. MM professed love with tears in his eyes....future faked, etc. NOT all MM/MW are the same. And---actually some are merely confused due to engaging in another relationship before the first was over. The marriage ins't over until the ink is dry.

 

Future faking is all part of the fun and fantasy. Unless or until a spouse discovers the affair or the AP starts wanting to actually do someting.

 

No, not all MM or MW are the same. But the proof is in the actions, not the words. No matter how well those words were delivered.

 

Not all marriages end when the ink dries. My first marriage ended long before papers were even filed. I've watched friends who divorced due to infidelity go back and forth for months after the divorce was finalized.