Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[minimariah]

In a normal relationship it would take time to be sure that we are with the right person.

 

but you're not in a normal relationship and it's wrong to cheat on your husband while you're seeing if there's someone better for you out there. that's cowardly -- people aren't dolls you can use to keep you company while you test the waters.

 

the damage to your marriage is already done, so it's unclear why you think you have something worth saving with your husband. you already threw all of that away, does the form really matter that much? because the substance is rotten.

 

He is unhappy. I am unhappy.

 

his wife is unhappy, your husband is unhappy. his child is unhappy. are you seriously not aware of how much your affair is already out of control?

 

He doesn't want to hurt the kids with divorce any more than I do.

 

for some reason - DIVORCE is the worst thing that can happen, in your opinion. in the meantime, both you and your lover ignore the damage you're doing already... and you're not even divorced yet.

 

Therapy is the easy answer but I can analyze myself.

 

no, you can't. you really can't. things you "analyzed" so far are wrong anyway.

 

you keep asking the same questions over and over again - you got a bunch of suggestions and advice already and here you are... on page 5... asking the SAME question. yet again.

 

How to back to the life where everyone shushes me?

 

how about being HONEST and COMMUNICATING with people? with others? telling them how you really feel and what's really bothering you?

 

stop running from relationships and start working on them. you're taking the easy way out.

[Amillionpieces]

You have already thrown your marriages away, your spouses just don't know it yet. You love and put someone else before your husband. You are just using him as a safe place holder. Most new relationships don't start while you're still in another. Doesn't it make you wonder how you could so easily step away from your marriage but you're in turmoil just thinking of stepping away from your affair?

 

Yes. I wonder that. After the first mini d-day I lost my mind. Not because we almost got caught but how I thought I'd have to stop taking to him. This is what I mean about the corner I'm in. I can't win here either way so it's time to pick my family and be unhappy. If he left his wife today and said 'come with me' I can't see how that would make me happy destroying two families. There's no happy ending here.

[Amillionpieces]

but you're not in a normal relationship and it's wrong to cheat on your husband while you're seeing if there's someone better for you out there. that's cowardly -- people aren't dolls you can use to keep you company while you test the waters.

 

the damage to your marriage is already done, so it's unclear why you think you have something worth saving with your husband. you already threw all of that away, does the form really matter that much? because the substance is rotten.

 

 

 

his wife is unhappy, your husband is unhappy. his child is unhappy. are you seriously not aware of how much your affair is already out of control?

 

 

 

for some reason - DIVORCE is the worst thing that can happen, in your opinion. in the meantime, both you and your lover ignore the damage you're doing already... and you're not even divorced yet.

 

 

 

no, you can't. you really can't. things you "analyzed" so far are wrong anyway.

 

you keep asking the same questions over and over again - you got a bunch of suggestions and advice already and here you are... on page 5... asking the SAME question. yet again.

 

 

 

how about being HONEST and COMMUNICATING with people? with others? telling them how you really feel and what's really bothering you?

 

stop running from relationships and start working on them. you're taking the easy way out.

 

I'm not trying to be on page 5 asking the sane questions. I'm reading every response and letting them sink in.

 

I know I'm wrong. I know I'm doing the wrong thing and making the wrong choices. The thing is before this I never lied to husband. Ever. The fact that I can now do it so easily is shaking everything I thought I knew about myself.

[minimariah]

If he left his wife today and said 'come with me' I can't see how that would make me happy destroying two families. There's no happy ending here.

 

divorce is NOT the end of the world.

 

people do move on. and there is happiness after the dreaded divorce, it does happen. for a LOT of others, why wouldn't it happen for you?

[Amillionpieces]

OP,

 

Only if this helps you to get clarity do I want you to read my post. Otherwise, I am not trying to hurt you. I was a teen when I found out my father had an affair. Not as quite by accident as it felt at the time. My mom was upset, my dad was morose and I had no idea what was so painfully wrong in my family. I felt unsafe, like my whole world was collapsing but I didn't know why. I became a mini investigator and deliberately overheard an argument. If things were bad before, they got astronimically worse. It was awful.

 

Here's what I thought: my dad was the most evil selfish man I knew. I hated him. I was just starting to like boys and sex was the biggest deal ever. I couldn't imagine my parents ever having sex, but to think of my dad having sex with another woman totally creeped me out. I didn't want him around me. If he could hurt me, my siblings and my mom that way, I couldn't love him anymore. I hated him and her with a passion I never thought I could feel and have never felt again. Granted, a child has very strong emotions.

 

Eventually, and I mean years later, my family has healed. Only through my dad making it up to my mom was I ever able to trust him again... And it's a fragile trust.

 

You are so close to destroying everything that really matters to you. You think it's this man, but it truly isn't. It's because right now you are focused on losing him so that seems like the bad part. Think for a little while about losing your whole life - your husband, kid's respect, your home, friends and family. Please allow that to motivate you.

 

As for how? Start sacrificing.'if you can't tell your husband - I think you should - then quit your job. There has to be consequences for selfish acts. Only then will you feel like you have made amends. Go strict and inflexible no contact. Never ever speak to him again. Then get counseling. You do need to mourn this loss, sort out your confusion and begin healing. You may also need to see your doctor to deal with situational depression.

 

Down the road, when you are out of the fog, you can deal with the state of your marriage and whether or not you want to be there or whether or not you should tell. But first things first - shut it down and start to heal.

 

As for your MM, I can only say this. Anyone who would hear about the fears of his own child - who was scared and trying to fight for his family's security by telling mom - and lie about and to him, is NOT in any way a man or a good man. I have been where that child was and what he did was so beyond the pale that I am so incredibly sorry for that child. There is something fundamentally wrong with someone who would do that to their own child.

 

I'm sorry you went through that and I thank you for sharing. I never want that for my kids.

[Amillionpieces]

divorce is NOT the end of the world.

 

people do move on. and there is happiness after the dreaded divorce, it does happen. for a LOT of others, why wouldn't it happen for you?

 

I come from a broken home and I had a difficult childhood. I swore Id never do that no matter what. So the fact that I'm tempting that fate is a hard pill to swallow.

[sandylee1]

Do you actually love your husband?

Do you want a better marriage or have you checked out?

[Amillionpieces]

Do you actually love your husband?

Do you want a better marriage or have you checked out?

 

He's the only life I've ever had. But that life has been lonely. Recently we were talking and neither of us can remember the last time we had fun just the two of us. It's sad.

 

If I hadn't become pregnant at 20 would we still be here? We have each asked that question.

 

Do I love him? I'll always have love for him. Have I checked out? Yes, clearly.

 

My biggest fear is divorce. I don't want to become my mother and be a single mother to three kids and no money. I don't want any part of that. I don't want to miss my kids 1/2 the time.

 

None of that justifies my actions. I'm just answering the question.

[Amillionpieces]

MM and I have talked about what went wring in our respective marriages. Two stories are similar and basically boil down to the marriage being the plant that was never watered and it died. No date nights, no shared hobbies or friends, all communication being logistics about kids and such.

 

When husband and I 'try' and go out to dinner or whatever it's always so so sad for me. This is long before the A. We just don't have anything to talk about. It's awkward silence and chit chat about the food and such. It's not great, and that is not me making up excuses for my actions as much as it's being aware of how I was able to fall into this A mess.

 

It is a mess. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[SoleMate]

When husband and I 'try' and go out to dinner or whatever it's always so so sad for me. This is long before the A. We just don't have anything to talk about. It's awkward silence and chit chat about the food and such.

If you were posting here before the A, I would readily have recommended Marriage Builders (Willard Harley). Lots of no-cost, practical, effective online advice aimed at addressing this common problem. There are a lot of reasons to rebuild marriage with your H.

 

Now, with the A in progress, with you still in heavy fog, but also here at LS trying to work your way through it, it's hard perhaps beyond measure to rebuild. But what choice do you have? The one thing I know is that you cannot count on keeping on as you're doing, as it is unstable and may blow up at any time. Even decades from now.

 

Earlier you said you didn't need counseling. I believe you do, and that you would benefit from it. Your current problems are overwhelming, you need competent advice from a professional. Not even 100% A-focussed, but more focussed on how you can build an authentic life. How to see whether or not your actions are aligned with your values, and to make changes where needed. Good luck!

[minnesotagirl]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

 

I don't mind being given a hard time. I know I deserve that.

 

I just came back from the sport. He was there alone and tried to talk to me and I wouldn't. He followed me and I told him he needs to find a whore who doesn't mind being kept in a box because I am not her. He was saying 'it's not like that' and I said stop talking to me people can see you and I walked away. We've never really had a fight and I've never been like towards him so its definitely a turning point. I don't want him to contact me, I want to demonize him and be mad at him and keep realizing what an idiot I am.

 

 

Those of us who have come full circle on our affairs (especially former OW here) will probably caution you that this is going to become the start of the push-pull phase of the affair - as neither of you are walking away yet, and a conflict has just started. BE CAREFUL. Emotions of both APs are running high, you'll be less aware of your actions the longer it progresses, and most affairs are fully discovered during this phase. This phrase tends to include things like "we need to take a break," small emotional fights, confusion, failed attempts at NC, break ups/make-ups, etc. If you think you're crazy now, just wait. Please listen to everyone and go NC. Have a sane conversation with your MM, hopefully get him to understand, then go NC and block him so neither of you falter. You will feel like you lost a limb for the first month or two. You will have to pick something else to invest all that energy and time into and it probably won't be as fun, or distracting from your life. It does NOT have to be your marriage if you're not happy.

 

Hey, affairs are paradoxical in nature. You want it but you can't really have it. You're painted into a corner but you're the one holding the brush. Now it's time for the biggest one: you have to use the strength and empowerment you gained FROM the affair to END the affair. You can do this. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be rough. A lot of us have been through it. It's a one day at a time thing - coming back to reality is harsh. But once you fully do, you will not want back into the stress, and you will see clearly how much you let slide, how much energy your life and kids didn't get while you were distracted with the affair. Good luck.

Edited January 2, 2016 by minnesotagirl

[Bittersweetie]

No, the only benefit to telling the truth isn't just that your husband deserves to know. It's because you both deserve to find joy and happiness and your kids deserve happy parent who are either together or apart. If you end the affair and never tell your husband the truth then I don't think you will ever be happy in your marriage, nor will your husband ever be truly happy with you, although he won't know why exactly.

 

The secrets and lies will forever create a wall between you and there will never be true intimacy and you will forever carry around the ghost of the MM as your fantasy Mr. Right which your husband will never be able to compete with. By telling your husband the truth you will both get to decide which is the correct path to take going forward. Your husband may decide that he really loves you and wants to repair the marriage and when you see what he is willing to go through for you, it will take the shine off of your affair and you will see the MM for who he really is.

 

Your husband needs to know the truth but more importantly you need your husband to know the truth so that you can heal. You and your husband will either heal together or agree to divorce and heal separately, but even if you divorce at least you will be able to go forward without always being afraid that these skeletons will be discovered and your husband can move on knowing the full truth of his broken marriage instead of driving himself mad wondering what on earth is/was wrong with his marriage and his wife. The truth is what will set both you and your husband free from the bondage your affair is holding all of you in.

 

I agree with Anika's thoughts here. Because I was a WW. I wasn't going to tell my H, going to take that to my grave. But then I got an STD. Telling my H, d-day, was the worst day of my life. He said to me, "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." He was right.

 

Just over six years after d-day, we are together and doing very well. We had a child. I fully realize that I am very lucky that my H gave me a second chance. I've worked really hard on my issues and our relationship and am thankful every day.

 

I advocate truth. You see, while I was in my A, my H made some big decisions about his career and living situation. He told me later that if he knew what he knew about my A, he would've made different choices. Today, we both are making choices based on reality not lies.

 

Your H is now making choices in his life based on what he thinks is the truth of your relationship. But it's not the truth. You have changed the terms without him knowing. He is living a lie just as you are.

 

I agree with PPs that your first step is to go no contact at all with AP. Then counseling.

 

Good luck.

[Horton]

Somewhere along this journey I have completely lost myself. I am not 'present' when I'm home. I spend all my time thinking of him.

 

Are you neglecting your kids while you spend all day in your fantasy life?

 

About 4 months ago we had a mini d-day. She texted me as him and I responded. Nothing too scandalous but enough that she knew something was up. Next text said 'stop texting that's my wife'.

 

He told her who I was. Told her my name.

 

A few weeks ago another mini d-day. His kid told his mother that he thought dad was having an affair because he texts when she's at work and deletes them. He denied and denied and eventually blew over a bit and I never was brought up. Result of that we went even more underground, don't text in front of kids. (We didn't text much with them around anyway, but now it's never in front of them).

If you can read your own words I quoted above and still think this is never gonna come out then you're truly in la la land miss. The truth spilling out is inevitable at this point, there are way too many people whose eyebrows have been raised for it to stay buried forever. Could be weeks, months or even years, but it will get resurrected and whatever you've done to make amends and repair the damage you've caused up until that point will be for naught. You don't believe me, then take some time to read the stories of other WW's who decided to take it to their grave only to get exposed long after the affair had ended and see what they're dealing with now.

 

We have the sport tomorrow. My biggest anxiety is that my husband knows who he is from work and knows we are 'friends'. His wife does not know its 'me' at the sport. So I make sure that we are just never in front of each other and tell husband 'oh I just spoke to him a second ago when I went to bathroom'. It's all so stressful. I have to go because husband is working. I know MM will be there. I equal parts want to see him and don't want to see him.

 

Do you realize how disrespectful this is not only to your spouses but also the kids? For the two of you to be stealing glances at each other while your families sit there next to you at a fun family event.

I love my kids and don't want them to ever know what I've done. I need to get out of it.

Well that's already out of your hands now. Even if your husband doesn't want the kids to know once he's eventually made aware of it, there's a very good chance the MM's wife will tell absolutely everybody(which is her right BTW) BW's aren't typically like most BH's, they usually will scream the affair from the mountaintops rather than keeping it as a dirty family secret.

 

Same story I've read a million times here ... We love each other and want to be together. But we can't. We both know with so many kids involved it is way too complicated. We both say we'd rather be unhappy at home and have kids in an intact house.

 

You're correct, your story is pretty typical outside of the fact that some of the kids are catching on faster than the BS's. I imagine you're already aware of the fact that once this does come out, the MM's kids(particularly the one whose suspicions are already raised) are gonna hate your guts. The only way you and the MM are ever gonna be together is if the two of you abandon all of your kids and run away to the middle of nowhere where nobody has any clue who you are. This is never gonna become a modern Brady Bunch story where two sets of kids are merged into one big happy family.

 

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I am lost and broken. I hate who I've become. I'm losing too much weight from stress. It's awful.

 

Not to be a nitpicker here, but this didn't "happen" to you ma'am. You did this to you as well as your family and his family too. The sooner you begin owning it, the sooner you can dig your way out of it.

 

So husband knows who he is from that but I swear he doesn't suspect anything. If he suspects something is going on with me (possible) he hasn't made the connection. Last week we had a car issue and husband asked if I could ask MM for a ride. Innocently he asked this. I'm sure he doesn't suspect.

 

And you let that happen? This will be a bone of contention if you attempt to reconcile.

 

I feel like I have to leave the marriage because if what I've done. I'm not saying I'm leaving to be with MM, not saying that at all.

 

I can't even look at husband. The last time we were physical I cried. He was very confused.

 

If I decide to end it and stay I don't know how to get past what I've done. I don't deserve the marriage, husband doesn't deserve me.

 

I can't tell him. I just can't. I have to just hope it never gets revealed.

Telling him may very well lead to him wanting a divorce. That's the chance you take when you have an affair, but somebody else(like the OBS) telling him, or him finding evidence(text, email, etc.) on his own will increase the chances of your family ending exponentially. You're playing the lottery by not telling him. Could you potentially win the mega game and walk away with millions? Sure it could conceivably happen, but it sure as hell ain't a good plan to base the rest of your life and the lives of your family on.

 

Plus if you have as strong of a conscience as you claim then how will you not be in agony deceiving those who love you the most? You're putting all of your eggs into one basket by continuing to be a liar and all it takes is one little slip of the tongue, just one minor overlooked detail that you forgot about and everything can come crashing down on you. All of the things you'll have done to make it up to them(in between the end of the affair and your d-day) and each new happy family memory you will have made, will be permanently tainted because of your lies.

 

 

 

MM said recently that maybe we should get caught so that we'd be forced to make a choice. I lost my mind and told him I never want to get caught. I don't want my daughters to think they have 'whore' in their DNA.

I don't know what to say to this, except that your priorities are really all over the place. It's like you're two different people. You're doing things of your own volition yet wishing you weren't all while hoping your daughters don't end up like you. What does that remind you of?

 

When I told my husband a long time ago that I met him for coffee sometimes husband said 'that's fine, just make sure you're not being too flirty or giving the wrong idea to the guy'. His trust in me is blind and the fact that I abused that is painful to admit. I told him about coffee then because I already knew it was wrong. We were meeting every single day and I knew someone would see us so I told him we met 'from time to time'.

He's gonna feel so deflated by this aspect of your affair, he'll feel like he practically set you up on a date with your lover by giving you his go ahead to see the MM like this and all because he trusted you to not do anything that would compromise yourself. It's like you truly have no concept of how humiliating this will be for him to face. "Cuckold" is the word that comes to mind while reading that.

 

My biggest fear is divorce. I don't want to become my mother and be a single mother to three kids and no money. I don't want any part of that. I don't want to miss my kids 1/2 the time.

 

Once again, does your BH even come into play in your priorities at all? Imagine him right now sitting at his computer and reading what I just quoted from you. Imagine him realizing that his wife is not only having an affair and lying to him, but also that her biggest fear is not losing him or hurting him, but simply being a single mother and struggling financially. Can you see how even your worrying about what might come of this is almost entirely self focused? How did you get to this point and what can you do to get back to being somebody with character again ought to be your number one goal IMO.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kgcolonel]

I agree with BitterSweetie here....the foundation of your M is cracked.

 

Any relationship requires work to either maintain or to repair. That being said, I saw you admitted that you have checked out for a variety of reasons however, your husband has had your back, supported you (it sounded like both financially and emotionally) and has been a father to your children. While he has been or become the silent type, the relationship takes work.

 

Your MM is in fact nothing more that a convenient escape from the work a normal relationship requires. Your MM has not had your back now or in the past (your relationship with him is totally on his terms when it works for him). He has not been a father to your kids or nursed you back to health when sick, shared holidays and vacations with you etc. He has listened to you talk for a few months and f***ed you when convenient for him.

 

Your husband has blindly trusted you, loved you, helped raise your kids and has been the husband he knew how to be. He needs to understand exactly what it is you need to have that rewarding life with him and you need to do some very heavy lifting to rebuild that marriage for the sake of your family. You mentioned that you do not want to be your mother ...without money. My fear is that this is where your hesitation to leave originates....money. I believe one should own who and what they are....if you are looking to be out of the M, get out and make it on your own and endure the price with the children, exH and all that goes with it. If you want different, it is still your choice but it will require you to do some serious work. I so hope you put your children and M before you throw in the towel on what has been a simple escape for your own fantasy.

 

You're also assuming your kids after discovering what you've done, would choose to be with you instead of their betrayed father who has consistently put the family first.

[Amillionpieces]

I have definitely considered that the kids would choose their father because of what I've done.

 

I'm not worried only about money i'm worried about choosing to have a hard life. We are not well off but we can pay the bills and buy xmas gifts. We barely maintain with two incomes, I can't imagine one.

 

It's hard to respond to some of this because you're reading one sentence and assuming the rest. It's ok its the nature of strangers on a forum but I'm being careful how I word things.

 

I grew up with a hard life and no money. I don't want that for my kids. It doesn't mean I only care about money. If you knew me you'd know I actually don't care about money at all. I don't need extra. I just need to live.

[Amillionpieces]

Horton said

'

I don't know what to say to this, except that your priorities are really all over the place. It's like you're two different people. You're doing things of your own volition yet wishing you weren't all while hoping your daughters don't end up like you. What does that remind you of? '

 

A crazy person? I don't know what you're looking for me to say here. I am like two different people. I am all over the place. I've been saying I'm a mess for pages and pages.

 

Look, I know I need to stop. I'm here admitting that. Im admitting what a mess I've made of my life. I'm admitting that I've ruined my marriage. I came here because of the nature of this forum and I admit I need help. Every day I hope MM tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore and he doesn't. It's really really hard for me.

 

I don't want to ruin my kids. I don't want to ruin my husband. I don't want to ruin MM family. I just feel so over my head. I'm drowning.

[Amillionpieces]

'Once again, does your BH even come into play in your priorities at all? Imagine him right now sitting at his computer and reading what I just quoted from you. Imagine him realizing that his wife is not only having an affair and lying to him, but also that her biggest fear is not losing him or hurting him, but simply being a single mother and struggling financially. Can you see how even your worrying about what might come of this is almost entirely self focused? How did you get to this point and what can you do to get back to being somebody with character again ought to be your number one goal IMO.'

 

Husband knows damn well that being my mother is my biggest fear. He knew me when I was still a kid at home, he knows how much I want different for my kids. Just because that's my 'biggest' fear doesn't make it self focused. I don't want that for my kids. I don't want them to have to quit sports because we can't afford it. It's a hard life for a kid. I bet you 10 bucks right now that if I asked him what my biggest fear is he'd say exactly that.

 

Of course I worry about him. Despite all our problems he doesn't deserve this. It would kill him to know. That's why I won't tell him unless it's coming to my house and I have no choice.

[whichwayisup]

I come from a broken home and I had a difficult childhood. I swore Id never do that no matter what. So the fact that I'm tempting that fate is a hard pill to swallow.

 

Have you given thought to counseling so you can fix yourself? Make healthier and wiser choices for yourself.

 

You are in a tough spot and even harder because you chose this path to be on.

 

I wish you strength to walk away from your MM and stay out of his life. If it means changing your cell number and new email address, blocking him on all social media, do so.

[doble]

I have definitely considered that the kids would choose their father because of what I've done.

 

I'm not worried only about money i'm worried about choosing to have a hard life. We are not well off but we can pay the bills and buy xmas gifts. We barely maintain with two incomes, I can't imagine one.

 

It's hard to respond to some of this because you're reading one sentence and assuming the rest. It's ok its the nature of strangers on a forum but I'm being careful how I word things.

 

I grew up with a hard life and no money. I don't want that for my kids. It doesn't mean I only care about money. If you knew me you'd know I actually don't care about money at all. I don't need extra. I just need to live.QUOTE]

 

Look at the bold. If that were true you wouldn't have put your marriage at risk, nor your children, and your betrayed husband, for an unavailable man. You needed/wanted extra. Remove the "v" from liVe and that is the truth about you. You chose to have "extra", to "live", but not with your family but in the arms and bed of another man. Instead of doing the work you ran to another. Soon your extras and lies will come crashing down, it is your choice to do the extra work and get out of this hell you created and live.

Your betrayed husband and children will find out.

Fact.

[Amillionpieces]

I'm very close to my brother. We are a year apart and shared the same childhood. He's my best friend and has heard my complaints of my marriage for over a decade. He's been telling me to divorce almost as long. Inwant to tell him what's going on because I need support but I'm afraid he will disown me. This fear is a tip of the iceberg to how people, all people, will react when/if this comes out.

 

There must be people hat end it and it never gets discovered. Has to be.

[goodyblue]

I'm very close to my brother. We are a year apart and shared the same childhood. He's my best friend and has heard my complaints of my marriage for over a decade. He's been telling me to divorce almost as long. Inwant to tell him what's going on because I need support but I'm afraid he will disown me. This fear is a tip of the iceberg to how people, all people, will react when/if this comes out.

 

There must be people hat end it and it never gets discovered. Has to be.

 

This was just me, but for us, when the affair came to light our families and friends did not treat us terribly. They were supportive of us being ok. Of course his ex wife's family hate my h, but they divorced and had they stayed together I think it would have been different.

 

Your brother may give you just the support you need, with a fresh perspective and your best interests at heart. I would seriously consider telling him if you think he won't tell your husband unless/until you choose to. But... remember that you cannot untell him... not an easy decision.

[lollipopspot]

There must be people hat end it and it never gets discovered. Has to be.

 

Sure there are. People are incorrect when they say that affairs are always discovered.

[Horton]

There must be people hat end it and it never gets discovered. Has to be.

 

It happens, rarely, but I wouldn't count on it in your situation. Hell even the kids are figuring out that the adults are behaving suspiciously with their texting. Your husband has surely noticed your odd behavior by now and he's aware that you and your MM see each other and have coffee together. Obviously once he puts two and two together the MM is gonna be the primary suspect in his mind. Plus the MM already gave your name away to his wife after you replied to her phony text message. Do you think she doesn't know how to use google? Let's be realistic here.

 

You're probably not aware of this, being brand new here(unless you're a longtime lurker) but even many of the posters who almost always advise a WS to lie to their BS aren't really handing out that advice to you so freely. Most are either saying you should confess or not advising you on that aspect at all. The most likely reason is that they can see that there's just too many raised eyebrows already. People don't forget, they just keep their suspicions under their hat until they see something else that seems off and when that happens enough times they begin to see a pattern.

 

Now in the interest of transparency, I myself would advise you to confess regardless of how likely you are to be exposed, on top of being your best shot at reconciling and your only way of ever truly working on yourself, it's simply the right thing to do. You know, not lying to and making a fool out of the person you swore to love and honor. I mean it's just common decency isn't it?

[goodyblue]

It happens, rarely, but I wouldn't count on it in your situation. Hell even the kids are figuring out that the adults are behaving suspiciously with their texting. Your husband has surely noticed your odd behavior by now and he's aware that you and your MM see each other and have coffee together. Obviously once he puts two and two together the MM is gonna be the primary suspect in his mind. Plus the MM already gave your name away to his wife after you replied to her phony text message. Do you think she doesn't know how to use google? Let's be realistic here.

 

You're probably not aware of this, being brand new here(unless you're a longtime lurker) but even many of the posters who almost always advise a WS to lie to their BS aren't really handing out that advice to you so freely. Most are either saying you should confess or not advising you on that aspect at all. The most likely reason is that they can see that there's just too many raised eyebrows already. People don't forget, they just keep their suspicions under their hat until they see something else that seems off and when that happens enough times they begin to see a pattern.

 

Now in the interest of transparency, I myself would advise you to confess regardless of how likely you are to be exposed, on top of being your best shot at reconciling and your only way of ever truly working on yourself, it's simply the right thing to do. You know, not lying to and making a fool out of the person you swore to love and honor. I mean it's just common decency isn't it?

 

I KNOW this is a joke, right? Sweet baby Jesus... happens every day.

[lollipopspot]

You mostly just hear about the ones that are discovered because they become an issue. The ended, undiscovered ones generally just become unspoken history, never to be discovered unless the person decides to tell, the OM/OW comes out of the past (doesn't happen too often), or leaves some remnant that gets discovered. The longer in the past, the less likely discovery will be. Sometimes you hear about one being discovered, and the partner will confess to numerous prior ones. Had that last one not been discovered, and the partner recommitted and corrected themselves, then the prior ones likely would have just faded into obscurity. Serial cheaters are at higher risk of being discovered.