Ex not Speaking to me

[Alias80]

Recently - 20 days ago - I broke up with a guy who I had been dating for about 7 months.

 

Our relationship was SUPER rocky. Both of us had come off of LTR relationships about 5 months before. I never thought it was a rebound for either of us, but there is that possibility. We got close super fast - and he told me he loved me two months in. I truly fell in love with him as well, but both of us had A LOT of issues from our past relationships. Insecurities got the best of us and we fought A LOT. In the last two months we broke up many different times, and would always apologize the next day.

 

At the end of December, we got into a huge fight and I broke it off with him for the 3rd time. I went home for Christmas and started to move on, having a great time with my family and really focusing on being happy. We did not speak for a while, but while I was away he contacted me 4 times asking for another chance and telling me that he loved me. As always I took him back. I came home from Christmas vacation and he took me to his Parents house to celebrate New Years Eve. It was the first time I met his family and we had a wonderful time. His parents even said they liked me, and he said that was the first time his parents had said that about someone he dated.

 

After NYE we spent two entire days together and just laid around cuddling - but not really talking about our fight or problems. After three days together non-stop I wanted to talk about us, and how we were going to move forward. He responded that he did not want to jump back into a relationship, and wanted to take it day by day. On one hand I understood - but also I have too many trust issue to not be exclusive. I asked him if we were still exclusive and he said "I dont want to say yes yet" We didn't talk for the day and I sent him a message to let him know that I wanted all or nothing. That I wanted us to take it slow and work out our issues but I didn't want a limbo relationship, where we were not exclusive. His response was just a emoji.

 

The next time I talked to him, he told me that he no longer wanted to be with me and that he had decided I was not the one for him. And he would not listen to anything I had to say. He didn't want to even be friends and said it would be healthier if we cut each other out completely. In a span of two days he went from begging me back to cutting me out.

 

I was so angry. Truly I feel as though he only got back with me to break up with me on his terms. For two weeks I reached out to him 4 times trying to talk to him and he was cold each time. And told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore.

 

I'm so hurt and angry and confused. I have no idea how to move forward. Part of me wants to be with him, and part of me knows he was the wrong person. I think I'm more upset that he has 100% cut me out. He went from loving me to not wanting to speak to me so soon. I also saw him flirting on Instagram like he used to do with me.

 

I just dont know what to do. I started NC with him - its been 3 days. I want to make sure I am doing NC for me and not for him. I dont want to be pining after him in a months time. I blocked him from all social media, and I even blocked his phone number so I wouldn't text him. That was the scariest part...I was terrified that if I blocked him I would miss his text saying "I want you back" But that is not how life works. If he wants me...he will come get me. BUT I don't want that to be my goal.

 

I want to practice LOA and NC for myself. I know if he came back I would feel relief. But I want to find the best version of me. I want to become a better person and find someone who loves me unconditionally.

 

I'm just SO sad right now. I'm thinking about him all the time. I feel like the breakup is consuming me.

[Alias80]

It's been 3 weeks since the breakup.

 

He is already dating other people - and seems to be getting on fine.

 

I cant stop obsessing. I check up on his pages 100's of times a day. I have not reached out but my mind wont calm down. I know that what I'm doing is only hurting me more, but I can't stop.

 

I just want to get him out of my mind. I'm here miserable and he is in La La land.

[DarkHorizon]

It's been 3 weeks since the breakup.

He is already dating other people - and seems to be getting on fine.

I cant stop obsessing. I check up on his pages 100's of times a day. I have not reached out but my mind wont calm down. I know that what I'm doing is only hurting me more, but I can't stop.

I just want to get him out of my mind. I'm here miserable and he is in La La land.

 

 

I am so sorry

Yes, if you already know what you are doing is just hurting you more, there is really not much we can say here that would help you. You know what you need to do, and you do know that your own behavior is what is creating most of the pain at this point. It is that simple: as you are able to put a stop on the obsessive action, the ruminating thoughts start to weaken. Right now, your mind isn't giving your heart a break.

[Zahara]

It's been 3 weeks since the breakup.

 

He is already dating other people - and seems to be getting on fine.

 

I cant stop obsessing. I check up on his pages 100's of times a day. I have not reached out but my mind wont calm down. I know that what I'm doing is only hurting me more, but I can't stop.

 

I just want to get him out of my mind. I'm here miserable and he is in La La land.

 

It's still very fresh. It's very tempting to check up on them. I've done it before.

 

There is no such thing as I can't. You just don't want to.

 

The next time you want to check up on him, step back, breathe and ask yourself is there anything on there that's going to change the situation that you are in now? Nope. Absolutely nothing.

 

At the end of the day, the relationship has ended no matter if he's single or if he has a harem of women at his feet.

 

BLOCK HIM -- if you want to stop yourself from going insane.

[DarkHorizon]

The best approach is being proactive and removing all channels of communication and contact; blocking Facebook, twitter, and all other social media, emails, phone numbers... by not having access to those, you won't be able to check them anymore, and only then you will be giving yourself a chance to start healing.

[Alias80]

Thanks! I know it's what I need to do - and I've done it on most platforms.

 

Just that dumb little voice that screams LOOOK NOW! I feel like I'm in AA counting down days.

 

Here goes day 1 again. Sigh.

 

I've always read LS posts but never posted myself...weird how it actually does help a little.

[Zahara]

It's going to take some time to get a hold of this. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will feel like a junkie because you're anxious, hurt, scared, probably still in disbelief and your only tie to him is social media. You hope that maybe he's suffering just as you are so you check and check only to find the opposite. It's a process and likely you'll get tired of what you see and realize it's not benefiting you and therefore quit on your own. Sometimes you just have to be ready to do it.

[DarkHorizon]

I feel like I'm in AA counting down days.

 

It is indeed like drug addiction withdrawal.

 

Just read this post... I think it will help you a lot.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567241-dumped-lessons-i-learned

[Neffer]

Block and delete everything. Do it now. What you are doing, keeping tabs on him, is just making your life hell. You won't get any peace as long as you continue to check up on him/hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Stop it.

 

You are in the early days of the BU - the worst part. It will get better if you start and adhere to NC. Checking up on him is not NC. Erase him. Everyone feels like a loser who was flattened by a truck at the start of a BU. Being left is so very painful. But it will get better. You are currently going through withdrawal. It gets better. The pain will lessen. Time does heal things, but its hard going at first.

 

Also - social media isn't real. It's a narcissistic show off thing. So what if his life looks fab on it. It's static. You have no idea what he is actually doing. Its all for show. No one posts crappy pictures. No one really has 500 friends. It's nonsense.

 

But block & delete. As soon as possible.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Neffer

[Nickr3023]

It is indeed like drug addiction withdrawal.

 

Just read this post... I think it will help you a lot.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567241-dumped-lessons-i-learned

 

 

It is without a doubt like drug withdrawal. I've struggled with a breakup plus coming off of painkillers that I was using to numb the pain. Both are equally horrible. And even worse doing at the same time. If you're having obsessive behaviors, depression, and all that. Go talk to someone and be evaluated. I've been put on antidepressants, which I'm not a huge fan of being on, but if they help, then I'm all for anything.

[Learningtowalkagain]

No lie, I was you 2-3 weeks ago. And she wasn't even dating other people.

 

My heart goes out to you, because there's no pain like the pain you're feeling now.

 

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 14, so even though my smart brain says move on, my OCD won't let me.

 

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? You might have OCD, it's worth checking out. I just started new meds, they're a lifesaver. I went from OCD'ing 100% of the day to 15%. Huge difference.

 

Here's what you need to do...and I'm not going to lie it's going to be hard. Delete EVERYTHING...block his phone number, block/delete ALL social media, delete ALL text messages. Rip the band aid off fast, first few days it will blow, but every day will get a little better.

 

Obsession feeds into more obsession. The faster you can stop checking his stuff, the faster you can heal.

 

Ask yourself this, why check his stuff? You know you're just tormenting yourself. So why do it? Lets say you see he has a new girlfriend...what changes? Nothing. So stop obsessing now and start healing.

[Alias80]

That Post helped a lot.

 

In regards to seeing someone - I go to therapy once a week...which has helped A LOT. I used to be REALLY REALLY destructive in my obsession. Like, crazy ex stuff. I would emotionally hurt not only me but my partner too. I've gotten to a place in my self work that I no longer act out and feed every bad impulse. I've gone "NC" as far as he knows. And I have not reached out or tried to interfere in his life. So I'm proud of myself that when I look back I wont have done anything I regret...like begging or showing up or bothering him every second.

 

But I just can't seem to shake the Obsessive thoughts and need to check. It's like some crazy connection - like if I let it go then I have to accept its over.

 

I just got back from Therapy tonight - and it was helpful to talk through. I'm going to really try and stop, I know its getting me nowhere. My heart just doesnt know what my brain knows to be true.

 

I've been thinking about meds - I should make an appointment with a Psychiatrist to see if possibly I might want to start.

[CDJ]

I had the same problem; constantly checking social media to see how my ex was getting on with her new man, to see whether she was smiling/happy/having a good time. I knew I was torturing myself but I couldn't help it, just as you are aware of what it's doing to you.

 

I think the compulsion comes from the expectation of what you will find; you know there'll be a first photo of them together, first holiday snap, first christmas photo, first photo with their families - so, you find yourself wanting to see what you are expecting/dreading to see, to almost get it out of the way.

 

I found it was like passing through checkpoints. Once you see that first one it then gets easier each time, until eventually they hurt less and you also start to lose that compulsion to check.

 

I still check occasionally, but nowhere near like I was at the beginning, so it does get easier.

[Thistooshallpass21]

You can do it my friend. **** him, who needs him. I tell you who doesn't...you. Implement NC now! Today your life begins again. Remember pain is temporary and let's us know we are alive.

[Halcyon1]

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 14, so even though my smart brain says move on, my OCD won't let me.

 

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? You might have OCD, it's worth checking out. I just started new meds, they're a lifesaver. I went from OCD'ing 100% of the day to 15%. Huge difference.

 

Just wanted to mimic what Learningtowalkagain said:

 

If you're someone with true anxiety/OCD there is nothing, I do mean nothing, that can trigger months (if not years) of unrelenting OC behavior (rumination, analysis, scrutinizing what what went wrong) like a major break up (second to a break-up would be major health conditions).

 

And, for most people without OCD, the thought patterns, circular thought and ruminating you have after a breakup are an insight into what it's like to have it. I'm wishing you well and thinking of you. Please take very good care.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Halcyon1

[Alias80]

Ugh. I've been so depressed all day.

 

I was out with friends last night and my ex BF ended up showing up. I tried to ignore him and he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a hug to say HI. I pushed out of the hug and got away as soon as I could.

 

I feel like I'm at step one again. I feel miserable today and I don't even want to leave the bed.

 

I hate that he knows I still love him. He is FINE and I feel like he hugged me just to show off that he is over me - I should have just pretended i didn't care. But I couldn't. Touching him made me want to throw up.

 

I dont even want to be with him. But I cant stop being sad. I'm obsessing and ruminating over everything. My whole body wants to call him and cry and beg and yell. I'm not going to because I know that wouldnt get me anywhere.... But even having the thoughts is killing me.

 

I just want this to end!!

[DrMario]

I'm right there with you I'm afraid, I've had 2 pity hugs in 2 days from my ex, I feel degraded and deflated, she is way over me and I'm still thinking about her, I'd love to reach out and I'd love to tell her how I feel but it wouldn't matter and it wouldn't make a difference either way.

[jonwashington]

You should've just hug him and pretend that it was a civil type of thing I remember after I broke up with my girlfriend and we met in public places or we run into each other just out of a coincidence I wouldn't look at her or say hi to her anything maybe two years later when I saw her and I drank a little bit I went up to her and said hi how are you gave her a hug and that broke the ice and then every time after that She has come to me and on the same whenever I would see her but I think that shows that you're moved on you don't really care anymore and they don't hold a place in your heart where it hurts you any longer so that will show them that it doesn't bother you especially if you're happy if you just sad day it's going to make him feel even better just be happy like you don't need to be with anybody if it's going to be torturous to you sometimes it's better to be alone. I remember when I was so sick when I broke up with my girlfriend and then like a year after that after getting over it I was just like man it's nice being alone I can do what I want nobody's nagging me I can just sit on the couch watch TV I can go out with my friends it's nice when I mean by all means if you have somebody that special that it's fun to be around and it's a pleasure to be around and there's really no effort needed because you like someone so much and that's different but it's it's good to be alone for a little bit until you meet someone that is a pleasure to be around

[Alias80]

I know...I know its for the best!

 

But I just don't know why he wont speak to me. Our breakup was not horrible. We had a very up and down relationship and we both knew it was going to end at some point.

 

I did not take the breakup very well - I get way too attached. But am finally coming to terms with everything. I was super upset seeing him in person and that made me realize I was holding onto something I never wanted in the first place.

 

But now. I just feel kinda bad that he wont speak to me. It makes me feel like I'm some horrible monster. Looking back on our last fight we both said some mean things - but how can he think I'm so terrible of a person that speaking to me is off limits. It just doesnt make sense to me. It makes me feel like everything we had was for nothing.

[Paradigm]

He might've decided to go NC?

[Wewon]

But now. I just feel kinda bad that he wont speak to me. It makes me feel like I'm some horrible monster. Looking back on our last fight we both said some mean things - but how can he think I'm so terrible of a person that speaking to me is off limits. It just doesnt make sense to me. It makes me feel like everything we had was for nothing.

 

I don't know what was said, but he may have taken those things to heart and now feels like its better to simply not have you around.

 

Either way, NC is a good policy right after a break up.

[Emaize3]

It's been a week for me and all I can think about is "him". I totally get it. I need this to stop haunting me and it won't, so painful.

[K2z]

Obsession diminishes like a candle flame when it is denied the oxygen of attention from the ex. Mine has. My ex married just a few months after leaving our home, and I spent most of 2015 in a state of insanity. Eventually you realize that there is no reasonable play for her attention anymore. There is nobody watching while you chase your tail.

 

I'm not saying that what replaces obsession is all that much better. It's a lot of banality and loneliness. But the hundred bee stings on your heart slowly stop screaming in pain.

[PegNosePete]

I know...I know its for the best!

 

But I just don't know why he wont speak to me.

... because it's for the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps he's started seeing someone and knows it's best to cut ties with an ex. Just a guess.