life is bliss..except the sex!

[VeveCakes]

Good advice here. I agree she lost sexual attraction. I have been there, absolutely no sex drive at all with my ex husband due to some things he did to turn me off him forever. With my BF now I want it anytime anywhere. It's amazing how the woman's mind can work like this.

 

My guess she wanted babies and a family. Now she has that she doesn't need to give you what you need.

 

You came to get advice by then reply by saying you don't really care that much. Not sure what you are hoping to achieve then.

[Liam1]

Inlove4eva:

 

IMO, counseling and/or sex therapy is the only way to tease out what is really going on in your wife's mind.

 

The macho masculine act may severely back fire on you, if you are wrong about that being what she needs.

 

My sister for example hates macho very masculine take charge kinda' guys.

 

She likes sensitive new age types. Puppy dog eyes type of guys really turn her on.

 

I mean really, it could be that you are ALREADY too take charge and masculine and that is turning her off.

 

It could be the case that you need to be more sensitive. Or, vice versa.

 

Counseling my friend, is your friend. There are groups that offer low or no cost counseling to married couples is money is an issue.

[Grumpybutfun]

Inlove4eva:

 

IMO, counseling and/or sex therapy is the only way to tease out what is really going on in your wife's mind.

 

The macho masculine act may severely back fire on you, if you are wrong about that being what she needs.

 

My sister for example hates macho very masculine take charge kinda' guys.

 

She likes sensitive new age types. Puppy dog eyes type of guys really turn her on.

 

I mean really, it could be that you are ALREADY too take charge and masculine and that is turning her off.

 

It could be the case that you need to be more sensitive. Or, vice versa.

 

Counseling my friend, is your friend. There are groups that offer low or no cost counseling to married couples is money is an issue.

 

Sure, except she comes from a traditional background and those roles are deep seated in cultural norms since birth. New Age submissive is giving him an unbalanced roommate agreement when he wants marriage. Therefore, it isn't rocket science to determine she isn't satisfied with the role he projects. Masculinity isn't a bad thing. The machismo culture of today has mutated it to mean dangerous and aggressive but to me, it means provider, protector, leader and equal.

Best,

Grumps

[Liam1]

Sure, except she comes from a traditional background and those roles are deep seated in cultural norms since birth. New Age submissive is giving him an unbalanced roommate agreement when he wants marriage. Therefore, it isn't rocket science to determine she isn't satisfied with the role he projects. Masculinity isn't a bad thing. The machismo culture of today has mutated it to mean dangerous and aggressive but to me, it means provider, protector, leader and equal.

Best,

Grumps

 

My sister was raised in a traditional way. My father was very masculine. She is educated, has an extremely high IQ and thinks for herself. My sister hates the overly masculine type.

 

In love4eva already sounds as if he is a provider, protector, leader equal, to me.

 

Also, You are focusing too much on my use of the word Macho.

 

I am just saying "the married man sex life manual" might turn this woman off, as it does my sister.

 

Everyone is different. This guy could make things worse. He needs professional advice from someone who has insight into his wife's mindset.

 

He said his wife has trouble talking about sex. Counseling can help their communication issues

Edited February 3, 2016 by Liam1
clarification

[love4eva]

Good advice here. I agree she lost sexual attraction. I have been there, absolutely no sex drive at all with my ex husband due to some things he did to turn me off him forever. With my BF now I want it anytime anywhere. It's amazing how the woman's mind can work like this.

 

My guess she wanted babies and a family. Now she has that she doesn't need to give you what you need.

 

You came to get advice by then reply by saying you don't really care that much. Not sure what you are hoping to achieve then.

 

 

Oh I care ...I care a lot about her, marriage everything...

 

 

A previous post brought up how men are supposed to be IN CHARGE in most relationships in her "traditional" culture..I think this is a very good point and something for her and I to stew on...good advice.

 

 

As for being a doormat...I just try to do what's best for my family and we often argue over many things...and I stand my ground..trust me I'm not a rich man..and If she starts giving me heat over money or anything..man she GETS BLASTED BIG TIME.....I'm a very strong man in that regard...this is my life..accept me or go away. She accepts me completely 100%...

So the "doormat" part is, again, only once the feet are off the carpet and into the bed..that's what so frustrating...everything about our marriage is going so well....except and only...in the bed.

 

 

Still..this is constructive advice for me to chew over.

 

 

She will openly discuss Anything...except sex.

If i bring the topic up..she says westerners are "obsessed with sex".

I do romactic dinners or dates...they somethimes work well..and I'm very thankful for that..

My wife is an awesome person in every regard ...except her ultra-prude attitude to sex...

 

 

I also need to mention I try all sorts of foreplay...lingerie, handcuffs, choclate, wine, music, ...sometimes works...often it becomes again "rest"

 

 

thanks for the replies all.

[Grumpybutfun]

My sister was raised in a traditional way. My father was very masculine. She is educated, has an extremely high IQ and thinks for herself. My sister hates the overly masculine type.

 

In love4eva already sounds as if he is a provider, protector, leader equal, to me.

 

Also, You are focusing too much on my use of the word Macho.

 

I am just saying "the married man sex life manual" might turn this woman off, as it does my sister.

 

Everyone is different. This guy could make things worse. He needs professional advice from someone who has insight into his wife's mindset.

 

He said his wife has trouble talking about sex. Counseling can help their communication issues

 

I'm not sure why you are arguing with me since I never mentioned the married mans sex manual. I despise the red pill jargon and find it asanine. He asked how to get his wife more interested in sex so I suggested he appeal to his more masculine side, set boundaries and stop letting her dictate if he gets to discuss their marriage and sex life or not. Also, unless your sister is his wife, I'm not sure what her preferences have to do with his situation. I'm a husband and have two adult daughters and none of them have the same preferences for their romantic interests. I am pretty sure women have more than one setting when it comes to their desires. I was merely trying to suggest something he isn't doing as what he is doing isn't working for a mutually beneficial sex life.

If she has trouble talking to him, my guess is he is going to have a hard time getting her to a therapist, though I agree they need one. The problem I have with this situation is that he doesn't get to even discuss with her their marriage. That doesn't sound like an equal relationship which means he needs to set boundaries and expect respect from his wife. Marriage is never as toxic when one person dictates the terms without negotiation or compromise. From his description, my guess is that he has fallen into a girlfriend role. That is why I suggested tapping into his more masculine side to balance it out in a way she may find appealing.

Grumps

[Liam1]

Also, unless your sister is his wife, I'm not sure what her preferences have to do with his situation. I'm a husband and have two adult daughters and none of them have the same preferences for their romantic interests. I am pretty sure women have more than one setting when it comes to their desires.

 

Exactly my point. Yes. Women (and all humans for that matter) have more than one setting.

 

Thus, having a counselor find out EXACTLY what is the issue is the only advice to give.

 

 

I was merely trying to suggest something he isn't doing as what he is doing isn't working for a mutually beneficial sex life.

 

I think he already gets that. He is looking for a solution.

 

 

If she has trouble talking to him, my guess is he is going to have a hard time getting her to a therapist, though I agree they need one.

 

Guessing is a problem. He needs to find out definitively what the issue is.

 

The problem I have with this situation is that he doesn't get to even discuss with her their marriage. That doesn't sound like an equal relationship which means he needs to set boundaries and expect respect from his wife.

 

You are assuming she is being disrespectful, when the reality may be that she has difficulty talking about sexual issues or she has sexual hang ups related to her upbringing.

 

In which case being more masculine is only going to cause her to clam up more because she was raised in an environment where men were more respected than women.

 

Marriage is never as toxic when one person dictates the terms without negotiation or compromise. From his description, my guess is that he has fallen into a girlfriend role. That is why I suggested tapping into his more masculine side to balance it out in a way she may find appealing.

Grumps

 

All very interesting, but again you are just guessing?

 

This guy needs to find out what the issue is definitively before acting, otherwise he could take a course of action that will make it more difficult for his wife to communicate.

[love4eva]

well I've made a new years resolution to solve this issue this year.

 

 

my wife is currently overseas visiting her family..but she's(+kids) back next week.

 

 

we last got it on in mid november....very beautiful and I love her so much.

I wanted to do oral on her so, so much but same answer as past 5 years "no".

 

 

ok, sorry, back on topic...so what i will do is focus on being more romantic and dinners out and gifts too. I will help her with her studies for two hours every night after the kids have fallen asleep...last year it was just helping writing her assignments.

 

 

The key is I think,,,when the time comes she's getting steamy finally...take it slowly and focus on helping her touch herself..(she refuses to... so far...

 

 

This (third) vibrator i will buy her, I won't make a big deal..just say "play if you want to"....(she's never used one)...but i will hope she uses.

bought handcuffs too....and lingerie too if she's keen.

 

 

I really love this woman alot...porn and a blow-up doll helped me last year..but I've thrown them away for 2016...it doesn't help.

 

 

decided on a softly, softly approach to getting sexual and emotional and intimacy more often....i will also sit down with her one evening and say "I'm a man and I love you so much I need sexual intimacy quite a bit"...from that point i will let her talk/respond.

 

 

sorry for the long post but it seems quite a few guys out there are in this situation....i hope it works out for us.

 

 

cheers all.

[True Gent]

well I've made a new years resolution to solve this issue this year.

 

 

my wife is currently overseas visiting her family..but she's(+kids) back next week.

 

 

we last got it on in mid november....very beautiful and I love her so much.

I wanted to do oral on her so, so much but same answer as past 5 years "no".

 

 

ok, sorry, back on topic...so what i will do is focus on being more romantic and dinners out and gifts too. I will help her with her studies for two hours every night after the kids have fallen asleep...last year it was just helping writing her assignments.

 

 

The key is I think,,,when the time comes she's getting steamy finally...take it slowly and focus on helping her touch herself..(she refuses to... so far...

 

 

This (third) vibrator i will buy her, I won't make a big deal..just say "play if you want to"....(she's never used one)...but i will hope she uses.

bought handcuffs too....and lingerie too if she's keen.

 

 

I really love this woman alot...porn and a blow-up doll helped me last year..but I've thrown them away for 2016...it doesn't help.

 

 

decided on a softly, softly approach to getting sexual and emotional and intimacy more often....i will also sit down with her one evening and say "I'm a man and I love you so much I need sexual intimacy quite a bit"...from that point i will let her talk/respond.

 

 

sorry for the long post but it seems quite a few guys out there are in this situation....i hope it works out for us.

 

 

cheers all.

 

I would suggest if you want to help her with her studies, do so because you want to help her. Don't expect any sexual favours in responce to this. Also don't just give up on your own time or interests because of (her) studies.

 

Does she ask for your help with studying or are you volunteering yourself?

 

Being the person who goes out of your way to help her with every single thing is not going to improve anything at all, quite the opposite actually.

 

I've said all I can say on this, you don't seem to grasp what your actions are doing to hinder the situation.

 

Also she isn't ever going to masturbate in front of you. That's just not happening ever, you'll be doing well if you manage to have intercourse. Your gestures and complete lack of self interest to please her is going to drive you further into frustration.

[SoulCat]

I wanted to do oral on her so, so much but same answer as past 5 years "no".

 

 

...take it slowly and focus on helping her touch herself..(she refuses to... so far...)

 

 

This (third) vibrator i will buy her, I won't make a big deal..just say "play if you want to"....(she's never used one)...but i will hope she uses.

bought handcuffs too....and lingerie too if she's keen.

 

 

 

I very much doubt that a woman who is not even comfortable touching herself or letting her man perform oral on her, is going to go near a vibrator or handcuffs.

 

 

Personally I think it's a bad idea to throw all sorts of toys and gadgets at it when your sexual compatibility is so fundamentally off kilter.

All that does is put a truckload of pressure on her, she's not going to thank you for that.

Edited February 5, 2016 by SoulCat

[love4eva]

yes, you are right...

 

 

I just think it's important for her (and us) to be a bit more adventurous in the bedroom...as every couple can do to keep fresh.

 

 

overall though..the point is made..less about toys and gadgets..

 

 

and more about getting together and just love spending time together again..

[Mr. Lucky]

we last got it on in mid november....

 

Your wife has an issue with sex you're not going to solve buying things from the Adam & Eve catalog. If you haven't been intimate in nearly 3 months, she's either turned off to the act or completely disconnected from you. Either way, without therapy and help for both of you, don't see the possibility of much progress here.

 

You can't "nice" your way to a solution here, she's got to want to address the problem also. At some point, you're going to have to force the issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Love4eva, from what you have indicated in your OP, you could be living anywhere in the Western world. If that be the case your wife, especially if she is working in a large hospital, will always be a target for sexual predators. If she does have an affair will you still be devoted to her for Eva? Funny thing is what I've gathered reading on some of the on line forums/ websites, Asian women seem to be particularly attractive targets for sexual predators. From what some of the more experienced posters have written, your wife has lost sexual interest in you but that does not mean she has diminished sexuality. She may just be waiting for the right guy to come along and spark her interest for her to become a sexual tiger. As True gent said, this may happen anytime and you will be left high and dry. It seems you are the socalled typical Beta male and females have no respect for such guys. Become a bit more manly with her and stop being such a slave to her.

Wish you the very best.

[Liam1]

The key is I think,,,when the time comes she's getting steamy finally...take it slowly and focus on helping her touch herself..(she refuses to... so far...

 

 

This (third) vibrator i will buy her, I won't make a big deal..just say "play if you want to"....(she's never used one)...but i will hope she uses.

bought handcuffs too....and lingerie too if she's keen.

 

 

 

Love4eva:

 

It might help if you stop trying to force her to do things like touch herself or masturbate or accept oral, or handcuffs or wear sexy lingerie, when it's obvious these things turn her off.

 

Maybe they turn YOU on, but obviously they do not turn her on.

 

Find out what she likes and do more of that.

 

A sex counselor can likely help you two a lot.

[htx]

Oh my goodness. No, no, no...the answer is not "spending more special moments together" or buying her toys or having heartfelt conversations about your intimacy needs. You have to see this woman is losing attraction to you...!

 

You're on the wrong track. What you need is a hobby or three...something you can channel passion into. It's when a woman feels like she has all your attention all the time is when she starts to feel suffocated. And I hate to say it but I'd totally guess your wife has felt this way for awhile. Not unsalvageable...you just have to think logically here. What makes a bored housewife excited to bone her overattentive hubby again? Dropping the over-attentiveness. Do something you love that takes you out more, away from her. Stop catering to her needs, start doing your own thing. Let me tell you, some people will claim that you shouldn't play games and become an *******, and guess what - you shouldn't! This isn't a black and white issue. You can still be sweet and affectionate,-physically emotionally and verbally...just with the slight coldness/distance/preoccupied mindset (whatever you want to call it) that naturally comes with having other interests that pull your attention away from her. I am a female, and I can indeed say, this behavior is sexual catnip when you've been feeling smothered for awhile. And look I know you just want intimacy, but ugh...trust me, dude...you're going to get burned if you continue on with this naïve attitude. Having other friends/interests/hobbies that you don't share with her might make cause a petty argument or two but this is what creates mystery and reignites the dwindling fire. Anything else...confronting, talking, hinting, ANYTHING that counts as MORE ATTENTION... will just have the opposite effect

 

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but damn dude...you kinda need someone to be brutal...

[TaraMaiden2]

I promise you, if I didn't feel like having sex with a man, nothing on earth would persuade me to do so. No amount of romance, encouragement, coercion, sexy toys, seductive lingerie, suggestions on masturbation...

 

That would all put me off even more.

As to the opposite (as helpfully suggested above, by htx)?

 

Hurrah! Pressure's off! He's found something else to do, to occupy his mind! I'm off the hook! No more need to worry about his desire for sex, I can relax and forget about it, I don't need to worry about his wanting me any more!! Woo-hoo!

 

Is how I'd see it.

 

The less attention you'd pay me, the better I'd like it. It means I can get on with my life, knowing you've found something else to do.

 

Great. Win-win, no?

 

No. Of course not.

That would still be a ploy on his part, but it wouldn't work, because no matter what he does - she - doesn't - want - sex.

More specifically, she doesn't want it - with him.

 

If he adds pressure, she digs in and resists.

If he withdraws and eases off, she relaxes and carries on as normal.

[elaine567]

If he adds pressure, she digs in and resists.

If he withdraws and eases off, she relaxes and carries on as normal.

 

Yes.

You cannot manufacture desire in someone who is as shut down as the wife appears to be. As the OP is not the focus of any desire she may have, he is backing a losing horse here.

 

Seems the OP despite screeds of good advice here doesn't seems to get it at all.

"This (third) vibrator i will buy her, I won't make a big deal..just say "play if you want to"....(she's never used one)...but i will hope she uses.

bought handcuffs too....and lingerie too if she's keen."

 

If someone say isn't into "toe sucking", then no amount of gadgets - vibrating toes, plastic fake feet, toe rings, cuffs or any other foot apparel bought is going to make them change their minds. The desire for toe sucking is simply not there.

 

She is merely tolerating "normal" sex with the OP for 10 minutes tops, and even then only rarely, so any dreams he has of "adventurous" sex have to be relegated to the unrealistic box. The things he wants to do to her or her to do for him like seeing her masturbate, using a vibrator, oral sex, wearing sexy lingerie etc. she finds perverted and disgusting.

You can't change that way of thinking, no more than you could persuade a person that having sex with kids is OK.

[elaine567]

....and YES

I promise you, if I didn't feel like having sex with a man, nothing on earth would persuade me to do so. No amount of romance, encouragement, coercion, sexy toys, seductive lingerie, suggestions on masturbation...

 

That would all put me off even more.

[htx]

I sort of agree...although I think my tips work if she still has an inkling of attraction left...

 

 

I do sort of fear that this is a situation where there was never much attraction in the first place, that she basically used him (a la the mail order bride stereotype). If that's the case, yeah, she's done, and she'll go on her merry way without needing sex.

 

 

I still think it's worth a shot, though. Channeling your energy into a passion (like for real, not just to play games) is a universally attractive trait.

 

 

Just seems like OP is boring to his wife - whether it's always been like that, who knows.

[Liam1]

 

 

Just seems like OP is boring to his wife - whether it's always been like that, who knows.

 

This lady's lack of interest in sex MAY have nothing to do with her love or attraction to her husband.

 

There are a lot of reasons women lose interest in sex.

 

Here are a few:

 

Her hormones may be out of whack and sex hurts, or it has caused her to lose her sex drive.

 

Her upbringing may have taught her that sex is dirty and shameful.

 

He is too interested in sexual things he prefers and has not taken the time to find out what turns her on, physically.

 

If the reasons are the first two, he needs to get her medical help or psychological counseling.

 

If the reason is the last one: He and she both need to get counseling to help him communicate better with his wife and her with him.

 

If that does not help, then he needs to decide whether or not her other virtues outweigh the lack of sex.

[bluebird123]

Whoa, I feel compelled to post b/c I could have written this, but as the wife. I too am married 8 years, 2 kids under age 5 yrs, AND also am korean raised in a conservative household. We had great sex while dating and before kids. But after kids, it went down a lot. My kids weren't great sleepers, and I still haven't had a night of unbroken sleep since having them. And many days, after a long day of 2 little humans needing me allllll day and climbing all over me, I am just drained and tired of any physical touch. It's not that I don't want to have sex with my husband, I'm just tired. It's been weeks since we last had sex, it really bothers me that we are not doing it more frequently. But I feel like the less we do it, the more we get into this destructive loop of infrequent sex becoming the norm. Maybe your wife thinks the infrequent sex is the new norm? She may just assume that is fine with you. You definitely need to have an honest conversation with her about sexual needs and overall intimacy.

 

Sexual intimacy is down with my husband for other reasons as well (I recently found out that my husband was cheating which is why he hasn't been interested in sex with me, but that doesn't relate to your post/thread at all). So I know you're situation is very different and I give you props for all the effort you put in. Couples counseling may help you guys get on the same page (am hoping it will help me as well!). All the best to you.

[sandylee1]

Bluebird

 

Sexual intimacy is down with my husband for other reasons as well (I recently found out that my husband was cheating which is why he hasn't been interested in sex with me, but that doesn't relate to your post/thread at all). So I know you're situation is very different and I give you props for all the effort you put in. Couples counseling may help you guys get on the same page (am hoping it will help me as well!). All the best to you.

 

Did the lack of sex lead to the cheating?

Do you feel your upbringing and culture affects you sexually in any way?

[bluebird123]

Sandylee, his straying apparently started long, and I am willing to bet that it caused the decreased sexual intimacy between us (I recently posted in the infidelity thread). But i won't put all the blame on him since our frequency went down also because of kids. Good question about influences on sexuality....to be honest, my conservative upbringing made me skittish when I was young (late teens) but by my 20s I pretty much was open-minded to anything. I know asian culture is sometimes associated with meek, mild, modest, but I was raised in the US as an American identity, so for me it was the conservative upbringing that had the most impact early on.

[love4eva]

just replying to say i appreciate your input bluebird.

 

 

yeah "skittish" would be a great word for my wife's attitude to sex the entire time....we just did it more often dating early on..our first year...together.^^

 

 

she is such a beautiful woman in every respect..but i wish she would open up and just relax/let go in bed....she very conservativ.

 

 

bluebird..as a korean...can you tell me what is going with long marriages there.....it seems many guys who have been married quite a while eg 10+ years..often cheat on their wives.. I know this because the downtown part of korea i worked in had a stream..no flood..of attractive young women ("coffee girls") repeatedly coming and going from various business rooms..and we're not talking young uni guys in their 20's...i mean elder gentleman 40+, eg businessman...honestly..it seemed every 10mins a new bus would turn up ...

 

 

what is up with this? do these guys wives know? do they care? almost all

of them i gaurantee are married with kids...quite wealthy too i guess.

I'm definitely not one of thise guys..i can't even comprehend

 

just a generalisation..i'm sure there are many examples of monogamous long term marriages

[beautifulinside2]

I applaud your loyalty to your wife and kids, but don't be surprised if she leaves you after she graduates from nursing school. A lot of my asian friends are caught up in living the dream, having a lot of money nice clothes and material things and have dreams of marrying doctors, lawyers, etc. Most of them were in arranged marriages and do whatever they have to do in order to please their husbands so this is odd to me, unless she is looking for another way out.