windsof Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) Hi all, First I just wanted to thank you in advance for any replies. The short version is that I was in a wonderful relationship for a year. It was the kind that included very little drama, no major fights, and a great chemistry, understanding, and respect. On this specific day (this was not a recurring behavior), out of seemingly nowhere he started acting "off" for him. Still loving with hugs and kisses and all of that but you could tell something was weighing on his mind. When we got down to it finally (it took time to finally get him to speak up), he basically said he loves me so much but he has been thinking about it and doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. I have searched the internet for similar situations and it seems like the consensus is that this isn't a rare occurrence. But what is so crazy to me is that there was nothing bad in the relationship to make it end like this. The word "breakup" wasn't used but it seemed clear to me that was what he was proposing. He (like many of us) has a lot going on in his life, with family, career, etc. but I have offered nothing but support if he wants (in terms of listening and just being there) and I see it as a partnership where I can try to lift him up when he is down and vice versa. I tried to talk through with him what he really wanted but I didn't get much. That's also to say I was a bit shell-shocked and very sad so I was probably not articulating properly. I have been a mess and hopefully understandably very confused. I want to reach out to him but I also want to give him space. Is this the type of situation one should just let go? But there was so much good stuff there (he even said I had done nothing to drive him there and I was essentially exactly what he wanted in a gf)...it is unfathomable to try and understand... Before he left, he was even crying, very hard, and muttered something about not knowing what he is doing. Edited January 30, 2016 by windsof
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I think these kinds of breakups are the most confusing. They say they want out, but with all the crying and lack of specific answers, the unspoken language says something else, giving rise to what I like to call "false hope". On the one hand, they give indications of being unsure about their actions. But as time moves forward, you'll see that in reality, they act as if they are quite determined. Every once in a while, they will check in to make themselves feel better by telling you how valuable you are and how much they miss you, but they're not quite ready to be in a relationship yet. Like this one. I can't recall one that didn't end any other way than by the dumpee (you) finally putting your foot down and walking away. Then they get mad at the dumpee for not being understanding. In other breakups, the dumper suffers silently in the relationship. By the time they tell you what's going on, they are all but out the door. I think the difference is only in when each type decides to pull the trigger. In the latter case, the dumper goes through the separation process by themselves, and by the time you get the memo, it is a shock. You had no idea it was coming. Think of it as a ball that has already rolled down the hill. All the ties are cut. In the former instance, your case, I think the disclosure was just made earlier. He is a ball just over the crest of the hill beginning to roll downhill. He hasn't suffered yet, and it's not going to be in silence. I'm sure he is confused now, just the way the blindsided dumper was confused, albeit secretly. The only difference is that your bf has been open with you about it. Yay for the good communication! But in the end, it will be the same. It is just that not all the ties are cut yet, and so you're going to be breaking up together over time. I've done it both ways, but I'm not sure which is worse. The way that you're getting it didn't last quite as long, and in the end, no question was left unanswered. Either way, what you need to do is to get yourself in the frame of mind that he is on a journey, and the end of that journey means the end of you in his life. You have an opportunity to deal with that on your own terms now. You get to decide. Edited January 30, 2016 by mightycpa 2
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