Her husband found out but things have now gone weird...

[elaine567]

I came here for responses to questions... Not to be ridiculed ... If it's that boring why are you wasting time threatening and reading what I'm typing?!?

 

In future I won't waste my time with this site if ridicule is all that I will gain from using it.

 

Any woman who loves a man, wants to be with that man no matter what. This woman talks the talk but like so many married people in affairs doesn't walk the walk.

Her husband has even cheated on her with another woman and she is still there, stuck in, talking about working on their marriage, whilst at the same time making sure you do not leave her...

You say you are leaving, and that I feel is the best course of action, for you. Otherwise you will still be there, wondering when she is going to leave him for the next one, two, three, ten years... how long would you be prepared to wait?

[sandylee1]

Nothing will change except for the degree of pain you suffer as the result of being the OM.

How can he say this gets them even when he already had an affair..it should have been her getting even.

 

But regardless of all that.... She'll continue the push pull until you put a stop to it. I'm sure it gives her a powerful feeling to click and you come running. In a world that men rule.....being able to have a man doing what you want when you want is quite something ....for HER not YOU.

 

Decide if you want to be her lifetime bit on the side or not.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I'm still confused as to why someone who before hand wanted to fix the marriage would go and have sex with someone who he got caught with ages ago just so things are even... It's not a game there are no playing fields where things need to be even... Your supposed to work together not against each other.

 

Google 'revenge affair'.

 

You're involved so you can't properly see, but it's pretty obvious these two are using their affair partners to fuel their drama loving ways.

[RRM321]

You are truly in a mess of your own making. Having an affair rarely ends well for anyone. I assume you're single, so I guess you could ride it out. The problem is she's taking you for the ride. She's into you, loves the sex, attention etc. Problem is, it sounds like she also likes the stability, comfort, and other advantages that come with being married. In other words, she wants her cake and to eat it too. I have a feeling that this woman will drag this out as long as you and the husband allow it.

 

I agree, she's using him and her AP can't even see it.

 

You entered into this affair knowing full well that she was unavailable to be exclusive with you and now that you want to change those terms you pretend to be confused?

 

For your purposes the husband is irrelevant. She has a life with children, and a marriage that attaches life altering legal and financial implications. What part of you is incapable of grasping where she really stands?

 

You are not her future, never were, and everything she is telling you confirms the little side compartment of her life she prefers you remain being.

[Ms. Faust]

I think she read one too many Harlequin romances and is acting it out in life.

 

Dat Star Crossed Lovers syndrome.

[EverySunset]

I came here for responses to questions... Not to be ridiculed ... If it's that boring why are you wasting time threatening and reading what I'm typing?!?

 

In future I won't waste my time with this site if ridicule is all that I will gain from using it.

 

People have a lot of reasons for coming on here and posting. Some good, some not so good, others are processing their own experiences through others, and some genuinely want to help especially if it was instrumental in their own healing. So, sometimes you have to keep in mind the motivation of why some people are posting.

 

I found that some people who truly are very caring, come on here to post through Toughlove, a way of trying to wake people up so that the experiences that happened to them, it won't happen to the OP. So when people do that I feel like even if the message is a little convoluted, it's coming from a good hearted place. At least that's what I want to tell myself!

 

Anyway, you do have a unique situation, that has a lot of possibilities for exploiting you. I can tell that you don't want to be in the situation, but you feel trapped by your feelings, but your expectations, and most likely by a lot of the things that your partner wants but anyway, you do have a unique situation, that has a lot of possibilities for exploiting you. I can tell that you don't want to be in the situation, but you feel trapped by your feelings, by your expectations, and most likely by a lot of the things that your AP has said or promised to you.

 

No matter how anyone here says it, in a nice way, and a tough way, where did genuinely shoot from the hip kind of style, I'm sure everyone here wants to make sure that you protect yourself and your feelings in this. Don't compromise who you are or what you want to stay in a situation that makes you feel less then, or bad. Sometimes moving on with new beginnings is the only way to protect the most important thing here. You.

[sandylee1]

Whichever way you look at this...your GF is not committed to you and it doesn't seem like that will ever change unless her husband kicks her aside. However with the cost of divorce and him already apparently being a cheater..... that's not something he'll want.

 

Let's assume he cheated as she said. Now he can sc*** whoever he wants under the guise of revenge..plus if he's smart he'll know she's still cheating with you and use it against her.

 

He could easily hire a PI or plant vars for further evidence and even get a semen testing kit for her underwear. He can use this into shaming her into taking a lesser settlement IF they divorce.

 

There is no winning in this situation for you.

[Hip Pocket]

I came here for responses to questions... Not to be ridiculed ... If it's that boring why are you wasting time threatening and reading what I'm typing?!?

 

In future I won't waste my time with this site if ridicule is all that I will gain from using it.

 

Hi Crazyninja,

 

I will not ridicule you. I am an OW who will try to meet you where you are and help you see things from an outside perspective through my own experience.

 

Stepping out of a M is quite normal actually, ask any M counselor. It's a coping mechanism that helps people solve their problems. Sometimes it saves a M and sometimes it creates a new and better relationship.

 

Here's what you know: he's philandered and she's philandered. They have their reasons. It doesn't mean he's a sleaze or she's a va jay jay sharer, it means they are seeking answers outside their M rather than dealing with it from within. People get judgmental because they fear it could happen to them, or it did in the past and it hurt like hell. I get it, it hurts, but judging people isn't going to help anyone, not even themselves.

 

You cannot accept the advice that simply because she's in an affair that she's a liar. I was in an affair when I met my guy and I never once lied to either of them, not my H nor my MOM. I left my H because it was a bad M and it was over, not because I had an affair. In fact, people don't tend to have affairs unless their Ms are bad in the first place, at least that is my experience. At any rate why be in a relationship if you cannot trust your partner? So trust what she is saying until she has proven to you that she cannot be trustworthy. So far it seems that she admitted to her H that she's been with you and he's admitted to her that he's been with others. Not seeing a lot of lies here.

 

In your first post you wondered what her H meant when he suggested she keep you. True, it's a rare statement for a H to make, especially with regard to men in general since they feel pretty possessive over their woman's parts, which suggests that yes he wants to keep her and that an open R is a viable option. Likely stunned, MOW didn't know how to respond to that.

 

Let some time go by for the thoughts and actions to sink in. Maybe an open M will work, but keep in mind you should all be wearing protection from here on out. I'd be wary of what he might bring home to her, then to you, and so on. This, in reality, is how your R has been anyway he just didn't know it until recently. Now that it's out in the open you can all deal with it in a healthy way. Condoms, medical tests, and healthy discussions are in order.

 

After a pattern settles in you can then decide if a conversation between you and her H is warranted. You may not like being in this type of R, and decide to bail. If so, why open the door to communications with him? So far you're getting enough of the truth with MOW.

 

This is a tough time Crazyninja because they'll both likely ramp up their sex life to compete with possible Others. It's a normal reaction until it either fizzles out and they think what am I going all this for or they'll become excited by it and decide that they are addicted to the adrenaline this behavior brings to their M. It's an avenue they should explore since he's being open to the idea and exercising his own options and she's still so obviously clinging to you.

 

Food for thought and hugs to you.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Pocket