Is my husband talking to her AGAIN?

[minimariah]

i'm really sorry.

 

please, try to keep a cool head -- protect yourself and your kids financially & legally. look up an attorney and seek legal advice, make sure you know your rights. seek support from people you trust, who are close to you.

[CarrieT]

He claims he isn't, but if I showed you guys the messages, you wouldn't believe it. I talked to her, she feels like scum of the earth, she says. They are both obviously never going to talk again, but I don't care. They still work together , he will always love her in my head. As he told her "she's the one who got away". As he complimented her through conversations saying "don't feel guilt over a piece of paper based on a sham".... I hate him.

 

It is not obvious they will never talk again - especially since they are working together.

 

Jackie, what is your next step?

[jackiec22]

I want to leave but he is begging for a chance and is throwing my past in my face. At the beginning of our relationship, I had feelings for and talked a lot with someone online states away. That guy didn't even know I was married and when he found out, it was over. I never told that guy I was in love with him, and I'm not downplaying and ignoring my actions, but they are the past and nowhere near as bad as this. He is begging me to the chance he gave me, it isn't fair.

 

He made an appointment for personal therapy to deal with his childhood/life. He claims he does things to hurt people to eventually in end up in situations like this where he hurts himself because of his past. I get it, but I don't want to stick with him through it. I can't forgive him. I can't see myself getting over it ever. In fact, any love I've had for him is going away minute by minute. Thanks for being there for me guys...

 

Even when I leave, I can't tell my friends and family about this. This is all I have... I'm too embarrassed.

[dreamingoftigers]

UPDATE:

 

 

I found it all

 

 

Hidden email, logged onto the fake Facebook and read messages between them spanning from September until two days ago when I went to him with it all. With the proof.

 

Apparently in September , his boss introduced him to his new coworker. Who was it? Her...

He's been working with her since September and didn't tell me. The messages were awful. I can't get them out of my head. They never had sex, it was clear. But they held hands, they kissed, they flirted. The worst part of it all.... He told her over and over and over again in the messages that he was in love with her.

 

He claims he isn't, but if I showed you guys the messages, you wouldn't believe it. I talked to her, she feels like scum of the earth, she says. They are both obviously never going to talk again, but I don't care. They still work together , he will always love her in my head. As he told her "she's the one who got away". As he complimented her through conversations saying "don't feel guilt over a piece of paper based on a sham".... I hate him.

 

I only 'liked' this because you were smart and found out the truth.

 

What a scumbag putting you through this.

 

He's going to be such a horse's ass to get rid of too. You can tell by how much he strung you along and tried to mindscrew you.

 

I am so so sorry. It's very painful.

[minimariah]

I want to leave but he is begging for a chance and is throwing my past in my face.

 

& when he does that -- you throw the "marriage is a sham" comment he made to the other girl back in HIS face. if it's a sham marriage to him... well, he should be thrilled at it finally ending.

 

you're basically doing him a favour by leaving. you're just doing what he wants -- take that attitude the next time he attacks you.

 

Even when I leave, I can't tell my friends and family about this. This is all I have... I'm too embarrassed.

 

you have nothing to be embarrassed about. don't shy away from folks, you need support and help in healing. reach out to those you trust and love.

 

the worst thing we do while going through rough times is when we isolate ourselves -- don't go through this alone. get all the support and love you can get.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to leave but he is begging for a chance and is throwing my past in my face. At the beginning of our relationship, I had feelings for and talked a lot with someone online states away. That guy didn't even know I was married and when he found out, it was over. I never told that guy I was in love with him, and I'm not downplaying and ignoring my actions, but they are the past and nowhere near as bad as this. He is begging me to the chance he gave me, it isn't fair.

 

He made an appointment for personal therapy to deal with his childhood/life. He claims he does things to hurt people to eventually in end up in situations like this where he hurts himself because of his past. I get it, but I don't want to stick with him through it. I can't forgive him. I can't see myself getting over it ever. In fact, any love I've had for him is going away minute by minute. Thanks for being there for me guys...

 

Even when I leave, I can't tell my friends and family about this. This is all I have... I'm too embarrassed.

 

If you head over to chump lady, there's an article called "The mind[screw] only has three channels."

 

It isn't a "deeply researched" article or anything. But I found it to ring true. The comments section can get pretty 'ragey' itself though. Lots of betrayed spouses that are at, *ahem* different stages of healing. I found it to be a good resource in connecting with my own feelings while dealing with my husband's issues.

 

This guy is still making it all about him and his "issues" instead of trying to seriously take responsibility for the ridiculous crap he dragged you through.

 

The three channels of "mind[screw]"

 

-charm

-self-pity

-rage

 

He's been trying to hide, shift and lie to you for months, (years?)

 

And now he's throwing your history at you.

Pathetic. He had the opportunity to leave back then and didn't. That's on him. It didn't buy him a "Golden Ticket" to start his own underground affair.

[sandylee1]

Sorry for your pain.

 

Let him go to the love of his life. He can get back the one who got away. Why would you want a sham of a marriage?

 

I don't know how you recover from that. I personally would be exiting the marriage. I'm no second best.

[RySant]

I want to leave but he is begging for a chance and is throwing my past in my face. At the beginning of our relationship, I had feelings for and talked a lot with someone online states away. That guy didn't even know I was married and when he found out, it was over. I never told that guy I was in love with him, and I'm not downplaying and ignoring my actions, but they are the past and nowhere near as bad as this. He is begging me to the chance he gave me, it isn't fair.

 

He made an appointment for personal therapy to deal with his childhood/life. He claims he does things to hurt people to eventually in end up in situations like this where he hurts himself because of his past. I get it, but I don't want to stick with him through it. I can't forgive him. I can't see myself getting over it ever. In fact, any love I've had for him is going away minute by minute. Thanks for being there for me guys...

 

Even when I leave, I can't tell my friends and family about this. This is all I have... I'm too embarrassed.

 

Leave. You did everything your could. You talked to him, you confronted him. you almost shook him to tell you the truth, but despite all the chances to come clean to you, he chose to lie. And now you found out the truth in a different manner, and now he's sorry? This is a 100% proof of the saying "he's only sorry because he got caught." Nothing else.

 

If he asks for a second chance again, tell him that there is no way you can give him to that as everything you had from the beginning is based on a piece of paper that is a sham. :bunny:

 

But seriously, you have done your part on this marriage, but he chose to disrespect you. I know that love can blind us from what we should do, but I know deep inside you know what to do.

 

Start the divorce process - no, wait - actually, rip that piece of paper in front of him. It's a sham anyways.

 

P.S. I also believe in second chances. You might be contemplating on giving him that chance, and the love you have for him. But OP, let me remind you that the second chance he deserves came in the form when you asked him what was going on with him and the other woman. He lied. You didn't just give him a second chance, but a third and a fourth and so on. Still, he chose to waste them away.

 

Going back: Again, we all deserve a second chance. You gave him all the chances your heart and soul can give for the sake of a sham-I mean, your "marriage." My question is, when will you give yourself that well-deserved second chance for yourself to be truly happy? Are you going to wait to the point that nothing will be left for yourself because you gave it all to your "husband?"

Edited February 2, 2016 by RySant
Additional opinion to avoid another post

[bathtub-row]

& when he does that -- you throw the "marriage is a sham" comment he made to the other girl back in HIS face. if it's a sham marriage to him... well, he should be thrilled at it finally ending.

 

you're basically doing him a favour by leaving. you're just doing what he wants -- take that attitude the next time he attacks you.

 

 

 

you have nothing to be embarrassed about. don't shy away from folks, you need support and help in healing. reach out to those you trust and love.

 

the worst thing we do while going through rough times is when we isolate ourselves -- don't go through this alone. get all the support and love you can get.

 

I completely agree with this. Don't start lying to your family and friends. That will only worsen things. And I agree with you, I'd never forget his words. That was the last nail in the coffin.

[ShatteredLady]

I've read 'those' mails between my H & his OW. His A was over for a decade. Not in a million years did I think he could ever allow her back into our lives, let alone INVITE & MANIPULATE her back!!

 

I've posted a lot about it. I won't bore everyone again but I wanted to say "I know! I'm so very sorry". I live in the USA but I'm from England. My H & kids are all I have. It's so incredibly isolating.

 

I haven't told my family (they've been through so much. I just can't) but I have told my best friend in England. I didn't for the longest time. I was loosing my mind. Epic pity party! Not sleeping, not eating, wondering how I could make my death look like an accident (I can't kill myself, family history). Finally I wrote it all to my friend & I slept for the first time in months!

 

I KNOW how hard it is, particularly if you're considering reconciliation. How do you even start to explain this pain to family? I just couldn't hurt them like that. It's a HUGE mistake!! It's effected my relationship with everyone. I'm so close to my parents but I avoid their phone calls (it makes them feel terrible) I just don't want to burst into tears while talking to them.

 

My - Do as I say, not what I do advise....

 

* You desperately NEED a support system. Please talk to loved ones.

 

* really think about it before you consider reconciliation. I was so broken down before I found the truth evidence that my H never had to grovel. He never really had to attempt to understand what he's done to me. I'm building resentment. Oh I don't know...

 

* Very young kids, serious health issues, complete isolation, stay at home Mum with no way to support myself, a lifetime - 26 years of memories, love... I still don't know that reconciliation is for the best. I'm in agony & my H thinks "That's all behind us now!".

You don't have to make life altering decisions NOW but make sure he knows that divorce is an option you're considering.

 

* Have a plan. A very real, step by step plan. We're moving back to England. It's terrifying. It will financially cripple us & could destroy my H career but I'm NOT staying here. I need my family & friends. I'm too vulnerable here.

 

Obviously I'm not the best to advise. My life is a wreck. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. This is the most destructive, agonizing experience of my life. Try to take it day by day...or hour by hour.

Edited February 2, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Gigi2015]

I wouldn't play ping-pong with him. He is using your past to continue his hiding routine. I think for me it'd be THE END if he's claiming not to love you. I hope you're in a situation to move away from this person. If you're not....take steps to do it. I predict only more pain....what a shameless jerk! I bet he continued to "make love" to you while professing to another woman he no longer wanted you? So---using you while he was setting up camp with another woman? Unacceptable. Don't let your ego/rejection confuse you into keeping this guy around....

[sandylee1]

*

 

Your husband is being FAR from truthful. You don't need any more than the messages. I'm wondering why bother with the poly in some ways..because those emails are enough to end it. Even if he passes..why would you want to be married to a man who called your marriage a sham? Said she was the one who got away.

 

It's your life..your marriage...but how would you feel knowing what he has said. At every anniversary or just looking at him I'd be thinking here's another year of the sham.

 

 

It's not just about whether or not he's actively in a physical affair....He's reduced your marriage to nothing. Sounds like he wants her on the side... but she's saying no because he's married..then he tells her what he thinks of the marriage.

[S2B]

As long as he's blaming you at all for HIS actions = there's nothing to talk about.

 

He still plans to cheat and he's unwilling to take responsibility for HIS behavior.

[HereNorThere]

As long as you are going to be okay with his infidelity, there really isn't a reason to get divorced. However, you seem like the type of person who isn't. He's already demonstrated that he is not willing to change his behavior even if means ruining your life. Cheating is bad, but I don't think it's half as bad as all of the lies, gas-lighting and emotional manipulation on his part. It takes a special kind of mean to purposely wreck your spouses mental health.

 

Ask yourself, what has changed? Why would you expect him to change his behavior? It can't be empathy, guilt or remorse because he has already demonstrated that hurting you isn't something that particularly bothers him. He's watched you fall apart for months and didn't really care, so what exactly has changed? Nothing really except you got a little more evidence. That doesn't change his love for the other woman, his viewpoint of the "sham marriage" or his core personality type. Those things did not magically disappear when you uncovered more evidence. Literally, the only thing that's changed is the amount of information you received. I can assure you that their relationship only grew stronger now that they both have a mutual enemy or obstacle to overcome.

 

You busted him months ago and he didn't alter his behavior. What would be so different this time? Just remember, this isn't a second chance. He blew his second chance months ago. I'm not sure giving him another million chances will do anything. I would keep your expections VERY low until some drastic changes on his part.

[S2B]

What are you planning to do to change this?

 

I hope you don't plan to act like it didn't happen again.