OW, should I trust him?!

[Popsicle]

So I will start out by giving background information. I am 20, and he is 40. He has been dating this woman for 10 years and they have lived together for 7-8 years. He's never denied that he cares about her, but the love died long ago. We were friends for a year, and in that year I fell in love with his soul. He told me things he's never told anyone and vice versa. He recently told me he felt like a walking bank to her. He does everything himself, he told me it sucks when you realize that out of 100% of the relationship he's giving 99% and she's giving 1%. About 5 weeks ago we started seeing each other. We have only ever kissed, we're waiting until we are officially together before we have any other kind of sexual contact (his idea). I have never met a man that has helped me grow so much in such a short time. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Before we ever started a sexual relationship or talked as more than just friends, he told me he was going to leave his girlfriend soon. He's been working 18 hour days and been very stressed out, in a month he'll be able to start working normal hours. He said he's waiting until then to leave her. He always told me he's never been a cheater and never wanted to but that there was something about me that he knew God made me for him. He's conflicted about our relationship now because he doesn't want me to think that since he's cheating on his girlfriend with me that he would ever be unfaithful when we are together. I struggle with these thoughts too, but we both can't deny the deep physical and emotional attraction. We are utterly and uncontrollably in love. I guess I just wanted a second opinion? Is my hope foolish? I believe he will leave her, but I struggle with the moral side of this.

 

Oh this is easy, continue to be just friends with him for another month until the time comes when he said he would leave his GF. During the next month, keep it strictly platonic (no lovey dovey talk) and tell him that it's the right thing to do. If a month passes and he hasn't left his gf (which often happens in A's), then you should give up on this dude and start dating/seeing other men.

 

Since you're so young, I have a feeling you will be back here for advice a lot.

[GollumsNightmare]

Please run. These things never end well. I was in your shoes at 23. The much older MM was so smart and worldly and pure awesomeness...until he wasn't. It turned out that bedding much younger women was a sport to him. He totally played me, but I had to take responsibility for my part in it as well. I knowingly took up with a committed man. After it all ended, I was left with the guilt of what I had allowed myself to take part in for the next 30 years. I would give anything to go back and change it! Anything.

[ChickiePops]

Just to add..I would also recommend doing some reading around here. Yes, very,very occasionally someone will have what's known as an exit affair and will actually leave their relationship..but that's rare. Usually it's just people wanting to have their cake and eat it too and there's a lot of pain and frustration involved all around. Your guy sounds like the latter. He's not even changing the script..it's like he's reading his lines from a cheaters handbook.

 

I hope you tell someone in your real life about this so they can protect you..otherwise I'm afraid you'll waste your precious youth on this man when you should be going out and having fun.

[OWconflictions]

You stated that he is 40 and you are 20. You also stated this started over a year ago. Which equals 39 and 19.

 

I see what you're saying here, if I worded my OP wrong let me correct, we've known each other for a year, as simply friends. We just recently started our relationship outside of that now me being 20, and him being 40.

[OWconflictions]

Hi OP.

When I was 17, my BF was 24. When I was 22, my BF was 42. I've been involved with two MM, once in my 20s (and I had NO desire or inkling to actually be in a LTR with him, I was just having fun), and once in my 40s (and I did want a LTR and believed him when he told me he was in the process of separating from his wife, THREE YEARS ago). Here is what I know for myself:

 

1. A 40 year old man has NO BUSINESS with a 20-something year old girl. 40 year olds who involve themselves with 20-somethings do so because 20-somethings are impressionable and very easily manipulated.

2. People who cheat on their spouses behind their backs are deceitful and manipulative. And you do not need to have had sexual intercourse to cheat on your spouse.

3. Married men who cheat behind their partners' backs and cultivate a relationship with someone else are VERY patient. I believe, based on my past experiences with married men that this guy is saying he wants to wait to have intercourse with you so that you fall for him further and DO have sex with him. You are walking a tightrope here and he knows exactly what he is doing. This is not his first rodeo, I assure you.

4. It is very difficult to understand a person's motivations and M.O. when you are not that person. I have learned there are many people out there who have no conscience. And it's difficult to know you are dealing with a person without a conscience before it's too late. However, a very good indication that a person has no or little conscience is when they do something that is wrong, like cheat on their spouse or S.O.

 

My suggestions to you are to (1) make sure you are not neglecting your self, your family, or your friends, due to the amount of time or attention you are spending with your MM. If you are, start refocusing your time and attention to those things. (2) Cool it with this guy a bit, especially if you are already making future plans with him. Live in the PRESENT moment, not tomorrow or next year. and (3) Have enough self-discipline to be sure you are never alone with him in a place where you can have sex with him. If that means bringing a friend to your meetings with him, so be it. Because once you have sex with him I'm willing to bet my entire house that you're really going to fall for him and things wil get ugly after that.

 

Please know that if nothing else, involving yourself with an unavailable man, whether he is "technically" married or not, means you are venturing down a long and twisted path full of drama, lies, and hurt. You are still in a good position to turn around and walk the other way. The further you venture down this path, the harder it will be to make your way out again. I can think of a hundred other things 20-year-old-me would have rather been doing than getting wrapped up with an old married dude with all that baggage. Go have fun with your friends and forget him!

 

Oh, and one more thing. You came here and posted for a reason. I bet that reason is because your instincts, that inner voice you have, were telling you something is screwy here. TRUST that voice. It speaks what you already know, I promise you. ❤❤ Take care!

 

Thank you for your kind words ❤️

[stillafool]

Should you Trust Him?

 

Obviously his current gf can't trust him so why do you? If he is no longer in love, not married to her, when is he moving out? If he has no plans to move out he is just blowing smoke and NO you can't trust him.

[OWconflictions]

I know at age 20 you think you know everything there is to know. I'm sure you're more experienced sexually at 20 than I was. And that's okay.

 

But your brain isn't fully formed. You couldn't grasp that when someone referenced your age a year ago you were 19. You just don't have the debate and communication skills a (now) 40 year old has.

 

Your body is going to change. I'm assuming his girlfriend is in her 30s. I don't know what you do for work or school, but chances are you have the opportunity to work out and/or you have a fast metabolism. End up with a stressful full time job and a child or two and all of a sudden there's no time or energy to work out and fast food is more convenient than fixing something healthy.

 

Even if I lost 100 pounds, I doubt I could compete with a woman 10 years younger than I am, let alone 25+ years younger - appearance wise. But I bring a lot more to the table than you do. Yes, I have baggage and extra pounds, but I'm probably a better cook than you are. I'm probably a better money and time manager than you are. I certainly hope I make more money than you do.

 

Now I'm not trying to say how great I am and how awful you are. Again, you have a body where things don't sag and a lot less emotional baggage (assuming you didn't endure years of abuse).

 

A 40 year old man is going to seem sophisticated to you. He's going to seem worldly. He's going to have more disposable income than a 20 year old man, so of course he will pick up the tab and maybe even shower you with seemingly expensive gifts and tokens. He probably isn't hung up on video games.

 

It's his way of wooing you and reeling you in. I guarantee he knows exactly what to say and of course you may feel like he is your soul mate.

 

What would your parents say? Would your friends welcome him?

 

I will give you some of these. Although, I do have a full time job and attend school full time, I'm actually studying psychology, and yes I have a fast metabolism. I'm sure right now I do look a lot better than his girlfriend considering she is even 12 years older than he is. But appearances aside, I'm very educated in life I have lived so far (yes I know I'm only 20, but I've been considerable more mature than my age for a very long time). But I do also come with years of emotional baggage from a few years in an abusive relationship, which he knows. I'm not saying he is telling the truth with all these words and compliments he gives me, I may just be a game to him. I've considered all of these and still have not been able to find out where he stands in this. I want to believe him, but yes he does sound like the classic cheating committed man. If this works out in the future my family and friends would love him, the age has never been an issue to either of them.

[Gigi2015]

I will give you some of these. Although, I do have a full time job and attend school full time, I'm actually studying psychology, and yes I have a fast metabolism. I'm sure right now I do look a lot better than his girlfriend considering she is even 12 years older than he is. But appearances aside, I'm very educated in life I have lived so far (yes I know I'm only 20, but I've been considerable more mature than my age for a very long time). But I do also come with years of emotional baggage from a few years in an abusive relationship, which he knows. I'm not saying he is telling the truth with all these words and compliments he gives me, I may just be a game to him. I've considered all of these and still have not been able to find out where he stands in this. I want to believe him, but yes he does sound like the classic cheating committed man. If this works out in the future my family and friends would love him, the age has never been an issue to either of them.

 

 

You should not place yourself in competition for a man's affection EVER. You should respect yourself enough and have enough self-esteem to NEVER be a side item.....even if you're promised to later become a first course. Little background : My father married a 19 year old when he was 49(he's affluent). She's caught him cheating THREE times. If he cannot honor his commitments, you should be mature enough to know he's not good for you. The man is not even married but he is still living with her. He sounds really immature.

So I used to work with a man who exclusively dated women in their early twenties....he said they were more guillble and cheaper to impress....but he had no problem getting the goodies. We all thought (most of us over 25) that he was a complete douchebag who constantly made passes at everyone....and yep he lived with his girlfriend and trashed her to all the ladies. Don't sell yourself short.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Susmay]

I will give you some of these. Although, I do have a full time job and attend school full time, I'm actually studying psychology, and yes I have a fast metabolism. I'm sure right now I do look a lot better than his girlfriend considering she is even 12 years older than he is. But appearances aside, I'm very educated in life I have lived so far (yes I know I'm only 20, but I've been considerable more mature than my age for a very long time). But I do also come with years of emotional baggage from a few years in an abusive relationship, which he knows. I'm not saying he is telling the truth with all these words and compliments he gives me, I may just be a game to him. I've considered all of these and still have not been able to find out where he stands in this. I want to believe him, but yes he does sound like the classic cheating committed man. If this works out in the future my family and friends would love him, the age has never been an issue to either of them.

 

You do need to understand that when a partnered man is cheating including lining up a relationship with a new woman while still with the "old" one, then this involves an enormous amount of lying and deceit on his part. As a trainee psychologist you should recognize this as emotional and psychological abuse of her. In fact his partner is the one who is currently involved in an abusive relationship with an abuser.

 

I don't understand why you would want to exchange one abusive relationship for another. Likely as with many abusers he recognizes a potential target, and knows how to groom...

[privategal]

Oh girl, sooo many red flags.

I bet he wants to wait to have sex because he fears pregnancy or an std from sex...and my hunch is he's experienced one or both before.

Plus you dont see the manipulation that makes him look like the good guy who has morals and didn't take advantage.

Hes grooming you and working on lowering your boundaries. This is NOT love.

He's trading in the beem there done that tired 30something girlfriend for a 20 year old fresh new model.

Its called a cake eating mid life crisis.

The odds are not in your favor that this is the love of your life and if he does make himself single for you (dont see it happening) its because you are shiny young and new and blindly in love and you haven't put up with his bs and infidelity and flaws for 10 years like she has.

100 bucks says she's caught him in multiple affairs and if he sleeps with you now and you fibd out you get his std (most arent curable) then he loses his backup plan and god KNOWS she's had it with 10 years, a bunch of sh!## he's put her through and no marriage proposal?

Trust me your scoring NO PRIZE.

[privategal]

I bet he gives every affair partner the same tired story of the extensive hard hours he is working and he cant get out of his relationship "just yet" plus his gf is over 50? I bet she is the one who is financially more stable and this is why he stays. Or perhaps he loves her but puts her down to you to make you feel he isnt a cheater with no morals, hes the victim.

He gets ego strokes from a 20 year old hanging on every word and is wrapped around his finger. I doubt he ever leaves her.

Have you read their texts and emails to eachother? I bet they tell a whoollee other story. Something is very very off about every single thing here with him.

[Ms. Faust]

When a very young person says "I am very mature for my age" followed by "I am a psych major/ have a psych bachelor's degree" I usually think the opposite. Do I think he is lying to you? I don't know if he is lying about how he feels to you, but he is almost certainly lying about the whole thing about not being able to open up to someone until he met you. Think about it. He has lived 20 years before you. Are you saying in 20 years he was not completely swept away by someone that he didn't divulge his all? I know the egotist in us loves that kind of romantic spiel, but let's be sensible, here.

 

Also, it sounds like you all were invested in an emotional affair when you were 19 years old.

 

Soooo.... burning question, how did you meet, what kind of job does he have? And how is he able to invest so much into you while giving 99% to his relationship with his girlfriend?

 

Also, does he have kids?

[Clockwatching]

Hey OWconflictions,

 

I think all of us understand that what everyone's saying here goes against everything that you're feeling - but please bear in mind that everyone here has been through what you are going through and the advice is to protect you, not to villainise you and make you feel foolish and/or defiant.

 

I and many others have had the feelings that you're talking about for the partner we were with, and when everyone is advising you not to go further with this until some form of action is taken from his side, isn't because those feelings aren't real and true. However, unless your feelings match your outer reality you will experience pain and conflict - and you will only not experience that pain and conflict if he leaves his relationship and is ready, in his heart, to be with you.

 

When you have been in a relationship with someone for a decade it is a major life shift and a major decision, and he will likely need recovery time to be able to share his heart with someone else. That is natural and the right thing to do for your new partner.

 

As others have said, watch his actions, not his words. There is nothing imprisoning him to his current partner and if he no longer feels love for her he should treat her with respect and leave in a dignified manner. It is this conflict in his feelings and actions that are making you ask the question 'should I trust him?' - they don't match do they?

 

When he's talking about his relationship being 99% input from him and 1% from her, he's justifying himself in his relationship with you. But again, there's a conflict - if he's so invested, what's he doing with you, how can he not love her if he's giving so much..? These questions are natural and rightly asked, listen to your inner voice - it is there to look after and protect you.

 

It is hard, we all know this, and as you've gathered we've also been there, but you can only learn from your own experiences and so you may not listen to anything any of us have to say - this is how we learn and grow as people. So with the best wishes in the world do make the decision that's right for you, and above all be kind and true to yourself. xx

[OWconflictions]

Okay thank you all very much for your feedback, the positive and the negative. I just told him a few hours ago that I don't think it's fair to me, or his current girlfriend, for us to continue this relationship. I told him if or when he decides to leave her for good and finds himself after that we could possible try this again the right way. He responded like I figured saying he understands and that he only wishes I am happy. He also thanked me for making him smile the past couple months. Thank you all for giving me the information and strength to confront him about the deep conflict going on in my head xoxo.

[whichwayisup]

The age thing isn't the issue, the issue is he has a long term girlfriend whom he's living with and sharing a life with her. If he truly loves you and wants you, then end it with him and tell him he has until Spring to end it and only then will you'll consider dating him in the right way. He is lying and deceiving her every day, a woman he has been with for many years so if he's capable of that with her, he'll be capable of that with you, please keep that in mind.... Don't compare yourself to her or think you're prettier or better than her, wiser than her etc., all that does is show your age...I say that respectfully.

 

You also have absolutely no idea what their home dynamic is, do they still have sex? Sleep in the same bed? You'll never ever know 100 percent the truth unless you are a fly on the wall in their house and bedroom.

 

If she is just as unhappy as he is, why don't they end it? If he has fallen out of love with her, years ago, what has stopped him from ending it? Right now he has you on the side (minus sex) and this dynamic of having two women to meet all his needs is addictive and a huge ego feed for him.

 

You want to test him? Tell him to tell her about you, that you want her to know you exist, at least as a 'friend'. Watch his reaction carefully, it'll tell you all you need to know.

[13Hearts]

Okay thank you all very much for your feedback, the positive and the negative. I just told him a few hours ago that I don't think it's fair to me, or his current girlfriend, for us to continue this relationship. I told him if or when he decides to leave her for good and finds himself after that we could possible try this again the right way. He responded like I figured saying he understands and that he only wishes I am happy. He also thanked me for making him smile the past couple months. Thank you all for giving me the information and strength to confront him about the deep conflict going on in my head xoxo.

 

Good for you! Now watch as he tries to hold onto you. They try all kinds of sneaky ways to stay with you, hoping to get some. Usually they want to be "friends." Or they want to "help" you (men like to feel useful; and they keep count). They will spend lots of money on you, send you flowers, junk like that, to get you to believe they "really love you" or that there really is a future together. Don't fall for it.

 

You're the best person to gauge your own strength but be ready for him to continue to try to suck you back in.

[HappyAgain2014]

Okay thank you all very much for your feedback, the positive and the negative. I just told him a few hours ago that I don't think it's fair to me, or his current girlfriend, for us to continue this relationship. I told him if or when he decides to leave her for good and finds himself after that we could possible try this again the right way. He responded like I figured saying he understands and that he only wishes I am happy. He also thanked me for making him smile the past couple months. Thank you all for giving me the information and strength to confront him about the deep conflict going on in my head xoxo.

 

His reaction says it all. Note he didn't tell you to wait a month or reinforce his plans to be with you. He simply thanked you for stroking his ego and let you go.

 

He will be back. He will miss the ego stroking. It's all about him.

[Clockwatching]

Good for you! I'm very happy for you and hope that meet someone who can share his heart with you honestly and openly, there's a big world out there! xx

[BettyDraper]

I will give you some of these. Although, I do have a full time job and attend school full time, I'm actually studying psychology, and yes I have a fast metabolism. I'm sure right now I do look a lot better than his girlfriend considering she is even 12 years older than he is. But appearances aside, I'm very educated in life I have lived so far (yes I know I'm only 20, but I've been considerable more mature than my age for a very long time). But I do also come with years of emotional baggage from a few years in an abusive relationship, which he knows. I'm not saying he is telling the truth with all these words and compliments he gives me, I may just be a game to him. I've considered all of these and still have not been able to find out where he stands in this. I want to believe him, but yes he does sound like the classic cheating committed man. If this works out in the future my family and friends would love him, the age has never been an issue to either of them.

 

No matter how mature you think you are at 20, you still have some growing up to do at that stage of your life. The part of your brain which makes decisions isn't even finished developing until you're 25. I was always told that I was wise for my age as well but that never stopped me from growing and maturing over the years.

 

Part of maturity is making smart decisions which are not self destructive. While I it is obvious that you are intelligent and responsible, there is a glaring contradiction because you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by a much older man. Since you're studying psychology, you probably know that choosing someone old enough to be your parent is a sign of unfinished business with the people who raised you.

[BuddyX]

Couple weeks and he'll send you a flyer text "Hey, what's up". Don't fall for that. Don't respond. Val Day is just around the corner, if he contacts you on that day then you know he's scum.

[Lady2163]

I will give you some of these. Although, I do have a full time job and attend school full time, I'm actually studying psychology, and yes I have a fast metabolism. I'm sure right now I do look a lot better than his girlfriend considering she is even 12 years older than he is. But appearances aside, I'm very educated in life I have lived so far (yes I know I'm only 20, but I've been considerable more mature than my age for a very long time). But I do also come with years of emotional baggage from a few years in an abusive relationship, which he knows. I'm not saying he is telling the truth with all these words and compliments he gives me, I may just be a game to him. I've considered all of these and still have not been able to find out where he stands in this. I want to believe him, but yes he does sound like the classic cheating committed man. If this works out in the future my family and friends would love him, the age has never been an issue to either of them.

 

Listen, I was very "mature" at age 20. At age 16 I was seduced and groomed by my 36 year old married boss. Because I was a walking hormone and my goal was always my next orgasm I learned fast how to mature and be a people pleaser so he would give me what I wanted. Pretty sick.

And when I was almost 18, traveled 12,000 miles away from home for,over a year by myself. Then I joined the military which can grow you up fast.

 

And my degree was in psychology. I learned more about people, personality and motivation the first year I was out of college than the entire time I was in college.

 

Biology tells us our bodies change. Our lifestyle changes. Again a 52 year old woman could work out three hours a day and she would still not have a better body than a 20 year old. Trust me, in 30 years you won't recognize yourself.

 

So a 20 year old body has nothing that sags, everything is still tight, no wrinkles, no stray hairs on your chin or chest and none of those wonderful signs of menopause.

 

So, physically, hands down you have his girlfriend beat. No question. But substance wise? Knowledge of life? She has you.

 

You've made the right decision to avoid this guy or wait until he is single.

 

And as much as I hate game playing, do NOT immediately answer his text when he does text you. Wait a few hours or even a day. Do NOT agree to the first suggestion that you meet for coffee or whatever.

 

Depending on how slick he is, probably he could text you, "Hey, I was given two VIP deluxe tickets to [insert your favorite local attraction]. Do you want to go with me?"

 

The reason I'm telling you to hold off immediately answering and agreeing is you don't want to create a pattern of being too eager. If you are that eager and engaged he knows he can cancel or be late or be negligent in his attention to you. These are all great characteristics that 'taken' men look for in an OW.

 

Don't make him a priority as long as you're only an option.

 

I mean this genuinely. I hope I never see you on this board again.

[ladydesigner]

You do need to understand that when a partnered man is cheating including lining up a relationship with a new woman while still with the "old" one, then this involves an enormous amount of lying and deceit on his part. As a trainee psychologist you should recognize this as emotional and psychological abuse of her. In fact his partner is the one who is currently involved in an abusive relationship with an abuser.

 

I don't understand why you would want to exchange one abusive relationship for another. Likely as with many abusers he recognizes a potential target, and knows how to groom...

 

I was just going to say this! OP I too think you were groomed by this man. I think it is despicable a 39 year old would manipulate a 19 like this. He knows exactly what he is doing to you.

[privategal]

I hope you didn't reply back...wow, that bread crumb response. Here you were head over heels in love and for him? You were making him SMILE? Common...

So glad you trusted your gut to question things as this is extremely telling and you really got out before wasting more time when Im positive it would have ended in heartbreak.

Stay strong honey you will be just fine.

Edited January 29, 2016 by privategal

[13Hearts]

No matter how mature you think you are at 20, you still have some growing up to do at that stage of your life. The part of your brain which makes decisions isn't even finished developing until you're 25. I was always told that I was wise for my age as well but that never stopped me from growing and maturing over the years.

 

Part of maturity is making smart decisions which are not self destructive. While I it is obvious that you are intelligent and responsible, there is a glaring contradiction because you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by a much older man. Since you're studying psychology, you probably know that choosing someone old enough to be your parent is a sign of unfinished business with the people who raised you.

 

or maybe she is just attracted to this guy and he happens to be older.

[MissBee]

He said he is going to leave her, look for actual plans and actions of HOW he will do this and set emotional and other boundaries for yourself. For example, if he doesn't in a year, what does that mean? Will you continue to be in the A?

 

I think that's all you can do. Decide on your own limits and boundaries and see if he is making real steps towards it or if every week, month, etc. there is some new delay, new time line, new excuse. The sucky part is, the more you wait, the more invested you get and the harder it is to stop even if you realize he's not leaving. That's what happens to a lot of OW...the longer they're in the A, the more hope they have and with each year of him not leaving they find more and more excuses for him as well. Be mindful of that.

 

Also, you're VERY VERY young and he could legit be your dad. I'm only pointing this out because you have a lot of options right now and really don't need to put your life on hold to wait on a man twice your age to leave a woman he's been with for 10 years. Outside of affairs, big age gaps like that can pose a big problem, and in affairs even more so. If he has a life with this woman and she's been his partner for 10 years, and esp if she is closer to his age, it may be difficult to be with you, even if he supposedly is no longer in love. He may be criticized by his friends, his family etc...so in his mind he may want to be with you but the actual reality of dating a 20 year old might be weird for him or awkward in terms of really thinking about life stages and if you 2 could have a stable and sustainable open LTR. That may make him chicken out.

 

Also, be careful of his complaints. ALL relationships get stale. Of course he is all head over heels and consumed with you, a 20 year old he's just known versus his S/O whom he's known for a decade. This isn't always about soulmates or a once in a lifetime connection...but can be novelty mixed with all kinds of feelings including his dissatisfaction with the ebbs and flows of relationships. The excitement of a new person who you're just learning about, even in dating, is different than someone you live with and are used to. I'm just saying that so that you are careful about what you think this means. Some people get bored, complacent and then even start magnifying problems and then try to paint the new person as this perfect solution....but the tint of new love eventually fades and this new person will become just the normal person...so you wanna be careful that you're not just his distraction from boredom. In any event, the bottom line is to set your limits and boundaries and be prepared to walk if he doesn't follow through.

Edited January 30, 2016 by MissBee