Raina314 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 If you're only a month/a few months in, please know that everything you're feeling is completely normal. Some people do have an easier time, bit what you feel certainly isn't unusual. It may take a while before you stop feeling this way. That said the good news is that it's only been a little while, so you know there's nothing inherently wrong with you, its just that breakups are really, really hard. We're all with you. 1
Nleal Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Bro im going through something similar but my ex wasn't so toxic as yours, its been 3 weeks now since we broke up, i have been very good with the NC it only was broken when i saw her in person. Every time i think of her and the thoughts of her moving on with another man i tell myself he will have to put up with the same **** or even worse. My ex is 32 shes 2 years older than me she will not change her ways, she can go find comfort in a new man but her problem lies with her, when she realizes that shes unhappy with herself she will stop blaming other people. I wish my ex all the happiness in the world but unless she comes back asking me for a chance and that we both need to work on ourselves to make the relationship work. I will never contact her again. Yes i go through the pains and hurt and ****. But im starting to see the bigger picture here. When we started dating my ex came to me! she Chased me! what does that tell me? I HAVE SOMETHING. Even though i lost my mojo over these 3 years of being off the market. I will gain it back by putting myself first again. I have finally accepted that she left me! She chose to gamble with our future. So moving on with the pain and all im moving on, I will not allow her to win. 1
sorano Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 4 weeks ago we were talking about what we would call our kids and now it's over and she couldn't care less about me. It's so soul destroying for me. Harvey I hear ya brother. Its a little over a month since my gf broke up with me. one day we were talking about having a family, where we were going to buy our house, how its going to be built, kids names, etc etc...... I was finally happy and said to myself, wow, its going to happen. I never thought I would find someone and get married. 180 bro. Just told me she wasn't happy anymore and left. It's the worst feeling in the world. I still feel sick to my stomach at times. I know time heals. I know I can take this negative energy and put it into good use. I got this I say to myself. I got it. Just at times, I feel like I am slipping and I am going backwards again. I know how you feel. 1
sorano Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 A quick update. My therapy starts tomorrow, I think its just to talk and see what therapy would suit me best. Im hoping for one to one rather than group therapy. Quite apprehensive about it all but I'm just going to be completely honest with them and hopefully get the help I need. My doctor put me on antidepressants which haven't kicked in yet. Been only just over a week since I started using them. I find it hard to motivate myself at times and have been struggling with getting a good sleep and still a bit nervy and jumpy at times. I haven't tried to contact my ex for over a month now and I still find it hard but I just keep telling myself she is gutless and I will be stronger for this in the long run. Im hoping the therapy will help me get my self esteem back and I can move on and get my head sorted. Be careful with those antidepressants. Do not stay on them for a long time. The process of coming off those is very very scary and the withdrawal effects are wild. Of course, it depends on which ones you took. I was on effexor and I am still sick from them. This was 8 years ago. Just lookin out 1
Author Harvey84 Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Sorano the antidepressants I'm taking are citalopram 20mg. Sorry to hear that about you ex too. It's so hard at times, but yeah we have to think of this negative energy we feel and know it will make us stronger. I can't just switch my feelings off and move on like she has. I just keep telling myself it's more normal and human to go through this process than to pretend like it never happened. My ex even bought herself a new expensive luxury car last week and that got to me. Don't know why!!! Nleal that's how I see it too. Whoever my ex ends up with next will have to put up with the manipulation, silent treatment, walk outs, walking on eggshells and all the drama that comes with her. I know I loved and cared for her and she love bombed me for a year then held a grudge for such a longtime over one comment I made. I guess I fell in love with the wrong person and having a tough time with her being my first true love. Calmandfocused this is what my family keep telling me too. I need to take my focus off her and start concentrating on myself again. It doesn't help with my anxiety I know, but I can't help but look back on my relationship and don't know what was real and if I was just being used. I'm hoping my therapy which is starting today will help me get back my focus and self esteem. Raina314 thanks for that. Sometimes a bit hard on myself and think I should be coping better than I'am. Knowing that people on this forum are here really does mean a lot.
Raina314 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Regarding you being upset about her buying a luxury car, don't worry. Everything your ex does that indicates they're living without you will bother you for a little while. She's happy and you want to share in that happiness and be part of it. Mine went on a trip with his friends a week after dumping me and evev though it had nothing to do with anything, I just got upset. You do need to get back up and focus on yourself again, yeah. But If that seems impossible right now that's also normal. Just take it slow and don't rush yourself, especially with antidepressants like sorano said.
Author Harvey84 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I got the sudden urge to contact her today. I still miss her every single day. Someone please talk some sense into me!
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I got the sudden urge to contact her today. I still miss her every single day. Someone please talk some sense into me! It will pass, it always does. Always. You'll just regret it otherwise 1
Author Harvey84 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Thanks Emilia, I'm just putting it down to having a bad day. I noticed I'm connected to her through skype and nearly sent a heart poured out message. Wish I could get her out my head and move on with my life. I cant believe I still love her after all the wrong things that have went on.
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I split up with my girlfriend of 2 years, just over 3 weeks ago. To be honest I'm heart broken and not been coping very well. I'm kind of left confused by it all so thought I'd share my story and get some feedback. The first year we were together everything was beautiful, we never argued and she was so caring and I fell deeply in love with her. We both had our own flats but she phoned me one night saying we should be together properly and she wanted to move in with me and I was so happy. A week later we got onto the topic of getting engaged. I said to her we've got plenty of years for that (we spoke before about how we had nothing tying us down like kids and could go travelling together) and it didn't go down well and caused an argument. She said I'm not moving in with you when your not showing any commitment and that was that. She knew how much I loved her and wasn't going anywhere but she never moved in after that. Things were never right again after that night. Over the last year she hasn't been the easy going caring girl I fell in love with. Maybe in small doses here and there but never like before. We would argue over silly things and she would make life so hard for me. Every time we had a fallout it was my fault. She couldn't handle me talking about serious things in the relationship or things that I felt weren't right. She wasn't making the effort like she use to. I found myself asking if she was coming over or having to offer myself to visit her. I found that hard because I loved her more than I ever did but everything was like it had to be on her terms. Not like it use to be. About 6 months I developed anxiety. The reason for it I'm sure of was down to the arguing and fallouts. She would walk out on me numerous times, hang up, cut me off and leave me stewing for a day or two. Found myself stressing out, anxious and having panic attacks. Something I've never had in my life. This was the way it was over the last few months. I can remember even moaning one night about sex to her (Sometimes I'd kiss her and try and get intimate and she wouldn't respond) and i was like just say your tired, it's embarrassing for me. She got out of bed packed her stuff and walked out. Sent texts and tried phoning her but got blanked for a day or so and this would be the way she would deal with any form of confrontation. I always found myself apologising to her even over stupid arguments just so a I would avoid the walkouts and not talking as it wasn't good for me or my anxiety. We lived 35 miles apart which never helped, but when we were together properly everything was great. She always told me (even a month ago) I was the love of her life and she would always be there for me. She knew how I felt about her, told her everyday. She was my world. We have split up and got back together at least 6 times over the past year which sounds crazy I know but we just seemed to go round in circles in arguments and never resolve anything. It was all making me edgy, anxious and not myself. I found myself putting up with the walkouts, over trying in the relationship and putting my all in. Just to try and make her happy and getting shouted at all the time. I always kept my cool and try and calm her but never worked. I felt like I was becoming a doormat and having someone walk all over my good nature. There was a lot of amazing things we did together and I'm prob making it sound all bad. We had plans to get a house together, and even spoke about what our kids names would be. We had Amazing Holidays, camping all over the country. We had a very similar interests and done a lot together in those 2 years. Never argued when we went away anywhere and It felt special. Anyway fast forward to 3 weeks ago. We had split by this point and she said to me on the phone that she has had her defences up ever since I said to her a year ago that we had plenty of years to get engaged. Told me I should of proposed to her when we were happy and If I loved her with my heart I would of done so by now. I find that not right to be on the defence for all that time. Feel like I've been doing too much and trying to be the perfect bf to make her happy and wondering why she wasn't. It's honestly destroyed my self esteem, made me a weaker man than I've ever been. The last time I saw her was just over 2 weeks ago. She came round to mines to see if we could sort things again. Her suggestion was to go back to seeing each other once a week. Start dating each other again, get back what we had. I agreed at the time because I didn't want to lose her. The next day I text her saying I couldn't do that. I loved her, and to go back to seeing her once a week when she felt like it wasn't what I wanted. It would take away everything that I loved in the relationship and be soul destroying. Felt like I was just becoming an option to her. I said to her you need to listen to what I want too and compromise, or there's no point. I got a reply "well goodbye then" and never heard from her since. She has blocked and deleted me on everything so I have no way of contacting her now. Hasn't replied to any texts or emails I've sent her. I feel like I've just been abandoned and deleted from her life just like that. She knows what I've been going through mentally and to do that to me she must know how much I'm hurting and effecting me. She said she would help me get through my anxiety, and I've been going to mindfulness meetings and trying to stay on top of it but she's left me when I needed support, just like I've always been there for her. It's so harsh to take, 2 years with her gone like that. My family keep telling me I deserve better and have had the patience of a saint for staying with her so long. Doesn't change how I feel. Never had love like that with anyone before. I wish I could just get her out my head but it's hard. Mentally I'm the worst I've ever been. Feel weak, find it hard to sleep and am seeking therapy at the moment. I know I'm a good person and treated her with love and kindness and I don't understand how she could cut me off like that and just move on? When I said I'd always be there for her and she was the love of my life I meant it from my heart and feel like she has used me to get what she wanted and when I stood up for myself she just abandoned me. Sorry for the long post but I had to put my story out there, it has mentally ruined me and feel at rock bottom. There should be relief once you hit rock bottom, because there's no where to go but up. When I said I'd always be there for her and she was the love of my life I meant it from my heart A week later we got onto the topic of getting engaged. I said to her we've got plenty of years for that If you mean't that from your heart, what's the problem with moving forward? she has used me to get what she wanted I felt like I was becoming a doormat -- That's how she felt . . .
Author Harvey84 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Redhead14 maybe your right I told her the next day that I'd love to get engaged to her but because at the time and what I said she was so upset that I hadn't even been thinking about it so never moved in with me and I had a year of her holding that against me. Edited March 4, 2016 by Harvey84 1
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Redhead14 maybe your right I told her the next day that I'd love to get engaged to her but because at the time and what I said she was so upset that I hadn't even been thinking about it so never moved in with me and I had a year of her holding that against me. Perhaps, that's true. She was getting mixed signals and so doubt, confusion, resentment. I told her the next day that I'd love to get engaged to her -- Again, to her it's just words. If you were serious, you would have gotten a ring, made a date with her and proposed instead of calling her and saying "I'd love to get engaged". "Ok, so when's that gonna happen?" "I'd love to get engaged to you. Let's go out tomorrow or on X day and shop for rings".
Author Harvey84 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Maybe to her it was just words but I was planning on proposing to her on our 2nd year anniversary which would of been this April. I wanted to do it the traditional way and surprise her. The way she was with me over the last year wasnt good and all my money went on a holiday to America. She resented me for a year, then I got a bye bye text from her. I do still love her but like I've said shes chosen to totally blocked me and if she truly did love me like she said she did then she would of been in contact with me by now. Its been 2 months and I havent heard nothing. All I can do is concentrate on myself now and reluctantly try and move on. It breaks my heart but she chose to not have me in her life. I would of stayed by her forever because I loved her more than anything.
Author Harvey84 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 I just sent her a message saying I hope she is ok and happy in her life and sorry things didn't work out. Also said I hope one day would could still be friends. I feel strangely better for it but at the sametime I know I shouldn't of. I guess I can't stand the thought of her hating me. I doubt she will respond in any way but its done now.
Author Harvey84 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Another quick update. I found out she has BPD through a mutual friend. How the hell was I not able to spot this in the whole 2 years we were together? I feel like I have loved and lost on someone who was never really themselves.
Raina314 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) Another quick update. I found out she has BPD through a mutual friend. How the hell was I not able to spot this in the whole 2 years we were together? I feel like I have loved and lost on someone who was never really themselves. One of me and my ex's mutual friends just told me my ex has seemed "broken" and has been on anxiety meds since his last gf dumped him and that he didn't put as much effort into me as he did her. I feel the same way. I feel like I never even really knew him and for some reason that knowledge is even more heartbreaking. Its awful to know that they never let you in all the way, even while you were giving it your all . I hope it gets better for you soon. Edited March 11, 2016 by Raina314 1
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