Break up, feel rock bottom

[Harvey84]

Had a pretty bad day today. Not only did I text her but just been on a downer all day. Twice I've broken down and cried and I just wish I could man up and stop torturing myself.

I cared for her so much and I still love her.

I get good advice and still go against it.

I still cant even stay in my own flat because of the time ive spent in there with her, its ridiculous really.

I still sometimes think I drove her away because of my anxiety.

Life just sucks the now and the only positive thing is the therapy im getting in 6 weeks or so, which im hoping will help me.

Guess I still have to give myself more time, and sorry to keep posting on this but its the most therapeutic thing I've found since we broke up.

[Alias80]

OH Man! Your situation sounds just like mine!

 

My boyfriend and I got in a fight before Christmas and decided at the end of the month that we would try to make things better. After a wonderful NYE and few days together - he then tells me he wants to not be exclusive and just to see what going on. That we are not together but we can "hang out"

 

I said the same thing you did! I did not want to feel like an option for someone. There is a difference between slowing down and working on your problems and just becoming an option for someone. It's just a road that leads to a more drawn out and agonizing breakup. I told him I wanted all or nothing and he said "fine" I've now been 100% blocked out of his life.

 

I've been going back and forth thinking "if only I would have agreed with him!" or "I should have been patient and waited for him!" BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW! Those are just be bargaining parts of your brain right now. You feel lonely and just miss the good times.

 

What you did was AMAZING for you! You spoke your mind and you established clear boundaries on what you could and could not accept from a relationship. You should be proud!

 

You deserve someone who loves you freely. Not someone who loves you with conditions.

[louxor]

Had a pretty bad day today. Not only did I text her but just been on a downer all day. Twice I've broken down and cried and I just wish I could man up and stop torturing myself.

 

From now on when you get the urge to text her again, instead of doing that, write what you want to send her here, that way you are still getting it off your chest, and others will also be able to comment on it and reinforce why it isn't a good reason.

 

I still sometimes think I drove her away because of my anxiety.

 

She was the one who caused you the anxiety in the first place though, so how is this at all your fault?

 

Life just sucks the now and the only positive thing is the therapy im getting in 6 weeks or so, which im hoping will help me.

 

That's BS and you know it. Life does not suck, you are just lacking motivation to do anything because of the weight of the break up, and the void that it has left. That is fine to a degree but don't be tricking yourself into thinking that she was the key to your happiness. You were fine before her, so why exactly does life suck so bad now that she's gone? These feelings are the things that suck, not your life.

 

Guess I still have to give myself more time, and sorry to keep posting on this but its the most therapeutic thing I've found since we broke up.

 

No need to apologise for posting, that's the whole purpose of these forums and that is why everyone is here, to find support or to provide support

[Captivating]

Harvey,

She will never forget you, she can't. Don't worry about that.

You are a kind person who were always nice to her and loved her unconditionally.

It is very important to love and believe in yourself. You are a catch , right ??

You did everything for the relationship, there are no regrets, this is her loss, not yours.

 

Did you watch the video I suggested ?? Please do, and watch other videos from the same guy on Youtube, on being with a narcassistic person in a relationship.

I think it will hit home A loving relationship shouldn't have an agenda or conditions. She came up with a plan, pressuring you about it, then throwing a childish tantrum, then leave. This is crazy.

It might have been stemming from a serious self esteem problem but she needs to work on that on her own.

You were enabling her, putting up with her demanding, inconsiderate behavior...giving yourself up in this relationship. You have self esteem/ confidence issues that you need to work on too. Set small goals first achieve them, it will give a boost for the next bigger one and occupy yourself. Go to the gym, it helps too! Read a lot about relationship dynamics, learn and grow ! I know you will be fine !!! Watch the videos !

[Harvey84]

Loxour she never did admit to anything when we were together. My anxiety she says was brought on myself. When I know it developed when all the arguments started. I hate confrontations and hate parting that day without hugging it out or sorting it. Most of the time Id be left hanging and thats when the anxiety began.

Hi Captivating, I watched the video last night and it did help. I even ordered the book he recommended.

I dont really feel like a catch just now. Im still looking after myself and look good but my self esteem and confidence has been shattered by all this.

I loved her with everything I had and for me its going to take a long time to get over this. She has ignored me for 3 weeks, I even heard shes been chasing some guy on fb, liking his pics etc. She told me when we had split before that it will take her a long time to get over us but I guess thats untrue too.

In that video he mentions it doesnt matter what they have said to you its what they actually did when you were together and that kind of sunk in for me.

I just feel hurt and keep thinking why she did it and why tell me 4 weeks ago she loved me so much.

I guess im doing that analyse paralysis that he mentioned in the video. But me as a human being i cant just switch off like that and move onto the next girl.

Like he said too some people just dont consider others feelings, they just dont give a **** its all about number one.

I will never be like that, its just not me. You think you know someone when in reality they are bad and just want there own way.

[Downtown]

I guess im doing that analysis paralysis that he mentioned in the video.

Harvey, that video suggested by Captivating was made by Richard Grannon, a U.K. psychologist. He recommends techniques for stopping the "analysis paralysis" that often occurs following a breakup with an abusive partner. His primary recommendation, given at the end of his video, is to let go of the false, idealized image you have of your partner by seeing her for who she really is. Toward that end, I will suggest three types of dysfunctional behavior for you to consider.

 

But me as a human being i cant just switch off like that and move onto the next girl.

One possibility is that your exGF really does miss you badly but is simply pretending otherwise to save face. Yet, if you are correct about her suddenly being totally out of touch with any good feelings toward you, there are three behavioral patterns that may describe her actions. These include narcissism, sociopathy, and BPD (Borderline PD).

 

If you are convinced she never truly loved you at all and was simply manipulating and using you to achieve her own ends, you are describing traits of narcissism or sociopathy. A person exhibiting such traits at a strong and persistent level would be incapable of truly loving you -- and thus would coldly dump you as soon as you ceased to be useful.

 

A BPDer, however, is capable of loving very intensely (albeit in the immature way a young child is able to love). A BPDer nonetheless is capable of suddenly flipping from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you) in just ten seconds. And, a week or a month later, she is capable of flipping back to adoring you just as quickly. Importantly, this behavior does not mean the love has disappeared or that it is weak.

 

As Louxor explains above (post 6), "just because someone feels different now, it does not mean that everything they felt in the past was fake.... Just because it is no longer that way, it does not mean that it wasn't real at the time." This is true not only for healthy individuals but also for BPDers (i.e., those having strong and persistent BPD traits).

 

The reason that BPDers are often accused of being unable to love is that they frequently are completely out of touch with that love. Like a young child, a BPDer cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. That is, when you trigger her anger, she cannot handle hating you and loving you at the same time. Her subconscious therefore "splits off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love) -- putting it entirely out of reach of her conscious mind.

 

The result is that she will "split you black" and thus be able to experience only the angry feelings she has toward you. Of course, a young child will do the very same thing for a few years. She will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, she can flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. This is how emotionally immature people avoid having to deal with strong conflicting feelings. The result is that they tend to categorize everyone as "all good" (with me) or "all bad" (against me).

 

She would walk out on me numerous times, hang up, cut me off and leave me stewing for a day or two.... she went mental, shouting and balling at me.... she couldn't compromise or listen to what I wanted.... I was always the one apologizing.... she never did admit to anything.

These behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or NPD (Narcissistic PD).

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, icy withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

Found myself walking on eggshells a lot.

This complaint is so universal among the abused partners of BPDers that the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. To a lesser extent, this complaint also is heard from the abused partners of narcissists.

 

We have split up and got back together at least 6 times over the past year which sounds crazy.

BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships -- like yours, Harvey -- experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

It has mentally ruined me.... Found myself stressing out, anxious and having panic attacks. Something I've never had in my life.

If you really did date a BPDer for 2 years, you should consider yourself lucky to only be suffering anxiety and panic attacks. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I'm hoping this therapy I've been accepted for will help.

Your therapist will focus on your own issues, of course. I nonetheless suggest that you ask him/her for a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for two years in your exGF's behavior. I also suggest that, while you're waiting for therapy sessions to start, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Louxor and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs for BPD -- or those for narcissism and sociopathy -- will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back (as you've already done six times) and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Harvey.

[Captivating]

Hey Harvey,

He mentioned the wrong book in the video and left a note underneath it:

"sorry the book is called "Core Transformations" not "Parts Therapy"

 

About what you said:

" I dont really feel like a catch just now. Im still looking after myself and look good but my self esteem and confidence has been shattered by all this. "

 

Harvey,

This is completely normal to feel like this after a breakup. Rejection hurts your feelings and your ego as well. You are emotionally involved and cannot think clearly. It is actually a withdrawal similar to drug withdrawal, it's in the same spot of the brain, you cannot turn it off unfortunately. It will slowly subside Let yourself feel things, cry if you need to....BUT .... also try to see things from an outsider's perspective. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You will get there.

 

You also said :

 

" But me as a human being i cant just switch off like that and move onto the next girl.

Like he said too some people just dont consider others feelings, they just dont give a **** its all about number one.

I will never be like that, its just not me. You think you know someone when in reality they are bad and just want there own way."

 

It is great that you are like that!!!!! You cannot move onto the next girl right away. GOOD! That's how it is supposed to be. Take your time healing, occupy yourself, read a lot, get out of the house, help others with various stuff, hang out with nice friends, try new experiences, start cooking Keep moving !

Your girlfriend might not have any personality disorders, she might be immature or has self esteem issues, like I said before.

You shouldn't put up with anyone being disrespectful with you regardless.

 

We go through several relationships in our lives before we actually figure out what we want in a relationship and what we don't. Toxicity, disrespect, inconsideration, lack of compassion are things that we definitely don't want. One day you will find the lady who will be the perfect fit in your life.

In a way this breakup might have been a blessing, maybe a yrear from now when you are thinking clearly and looking back, you will say : " What was a thinking?? "

 

Hang in there, you will be just fine.

[Harvey84]

I was watching this video and the worrying fact is nearly all 20 signs I could relate back to my ex:

Not sure how to feel about that.

I'm not looking to diagnose her with something to make me feel better about it all. I've just been left confused by her behaviour and the effect it has had on me, anxiety nerves etc. So I've been researching online and that link I posted has been a big wake up call for me.

I know in my heart that she loved me, and the way things ended left me with all manner of questions floating around in my head. It's like she bailed out, cut me completely off when I started to make a stance in the relationship.

I feel like the reason she did this was because I was starting to figure out what she was all about. I had pulled her up on a lot of things towards the end of the relationship that I knew weren't right and she did not like this at all. Would always say I was nipping her head and moaning too much. Not really listen to what I was saying and make me feel like piece of crap to be honest.

She had a lot of amazing qualities about her too and for the last few months maybe I was hanging on in there hoping they would come back.

She always knew what to get me for b'day, Xmas etc. Would know exactly what I liked and was very thoughtful that way but it was the emotional side of things that was lacking. Could never fully talk about her feelings and for me I don't think I was ever going to get through to her.

Hi captivating, yeah that's the book I've ordered.

It's funny through all this heartache it's actually gave me a new interest. On how the brain works and the mind. Maybe something I'll peruse and look forward to reading the book.

Downtown I will have a look at those links you posted too.

I've accepted that I will cry and to not to see it as me being weak but just going through the motions. She knows I loved her, more than anything that's ever walked into my life. I really hope she is ok, and strangely I feel sorry for her in a way. I know I will never try and contact her again. She needs to realise that she has issues and learn to not blame me for everything and I know someone like that doesn't have the capability to do so.

It's all quite sad really, I honestly felt like my future was with her but I guess it wasn't to be.

Edited January 31, 2016 by Harvey84

[Harvey84]

Hi Downtown, I had a look at your bpd warning list and I can honestly say out of the 18 listed 14 are definite behaviours I've experienced from her.

I read that when someone with bpd knows what they want they go all in straight away for it. On our first date (met at a bar) which was going well, after a couple of hours she kissed me full on which took me by surprise. She even stayed at mine that night. We didn't have sex but it was very intimate and I can remember at the time thinking wow never had a first date like this before.

Then a week later she turned up at a bar i was in with my friends which I thought was a bit strange given the fact she lived 35 miles away.

She use to joke she'd been stalking me for months but now when I think about it maybe she was.

You mentioned that the mirroring behaviour. Well in the first year together she liked everything I did like music activities etc. Would go out her way to do stuff I loved. I noticed that changed and I'm just wondering if that was just to reel me in?

Another one is all the time we were together only once we went on a night out with her friend and her husband. As far as I know she has only 2 friends and any social events we would attend would always be through me and my circle of friends, workmates etc. In the time I was with her she fell out with two so called friends and never spoke to them again. She also has an older brother and sister who she never talks too.

I know any mental disorder normally stems from childhood. All I know is her dad was a control freak and her mum and dad moved away when she was 16 and wonder if that would have an effect on her behaviour in relationships?

It felt to me like in the early days when I wasn't too involved or into her and doing my own thing she was chasing me. Showing me real love and when I fell for her and truly showed my love to her it was like she found it hard to receive it and very stand offish and cold at times.

All I know is when I could see things weren't like they use to be I would always be honest and tell her. She never took any critique very well and that's how nearly all the arguments would start. End result being I would be told I'm a moaner, and never happy no matter what she does which to me was bull****. I just wanted things back the way they were in the early stages.

I have remained in NC for nearly a week now. Never heard anything from her, and I still don't get why she can't talk to me. It's like she must hate me and I still don't get why?

I don't want to get back together, I just feel like it never ended with any discussion and it's been the biggest head f*** I've ever had in my life. I'm not sure if she still loves me or maybe she felt like we tried numerous times and that was it. I will admit a couple of weeks ago after the split I did text her best friend telling her I didn't understand her bizarre behaviour and how she has cut me out her life. Also said that she has been very harsh and cruel towards me recently but tells me she loves me. Was just trying to reach out to her mate because I care about her and maybe looking for some info on her behaviour but I guess my ex probably hates me for doing so. I just don't know....

My anxiety has been a lot better since the split, probably because there's been no arguments or drama in my life. Been doing a lot more for myself and getting back to the old me which is a positive.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I will never hear from her or see her ever again. People say wanting closure is a sign of desperation but for me it's a case of putting my mind to rest. Even if the truth will hurt me I'd rather know.

[Downtown]

Hi Downtown, I had a look at your bpd warning list and I can honestly say out of the 18 listed 14 are definite behaviours I've experienced from her.

Harvey, it would be helpful if you would tell us which 4 of the warning signs you have not seen occurring strongly -- and which are very strong. I ask because some signs are more important than others. For example, a strong fear of abandonment (typically evident in strong irrational jealousy and attempts to isolate you away from friends and family) is one of the key features of BPD. Indeed, I've never met a BPDer who did not exhibit this trait strongly. You nonetheless have not said anything about seeing an abandonment fear.

 

Well in the first year together she liked everything I did like music activities etc. Would go out her way to do stuff I loved. I noticed that changed and I'm just wondering if that was just to reel me in?

Keep in mind that even normal, healthy people will be on their very best behavior during the courtship period so as "to reel in" their love interest. At issue, then, is not whether she was trying to reel you in. Of course she was. Everybody does that when they are infatuated. Rather, at issue is whether she was unusually manipulative and scheming in trying to do so.

 

If the answer is "yes" -- i.e., that she was highly manipulative -- then you are describing a warning sign for narcissism or sociopathy. In contrast, BPDers typically do not do the mirroring with the intent of deceiving you and manipulating you. Rather, they do mirroring because, lacking a strong sense of whom they are, they've been automatically doing this mirroring since childhood -- as a way of fitting it and being loved and accepted. For a BPDer, the mirroring is as natural as breathing. They usually get so caught up in it, during the courtship period, that they are as convinced as you are that they've met their "soul mate."

 

I know any mental disorder normally stems from childhood. All I know is her dad was a control freak and her mum and dad moved away when she was 16 and wonder if that would have an effect on her behaviour in relationships?

Yes, a trauma occurring at age 16 or older certainly can "have an effect on her behaviour in relationships." Yet, what we're discussing here is the issue of whether she may suffer from strong traits of a personality disorder -- not whether a trauma in adolescence might have "an effect" on behavior. For something as serious and persistent as a PD, the current view of the psychiatric community is that it likely arises from a combination of genetics plus some trauma occurring before age 5. Hence, it is extremely unlikely that, if she really does have strong traits of a PD, it was caused by what she experienced at age 16.

 

She never took any critique very well and that's how nearly all the arguments would start.

With people having strong narcissistic traits, it generally is true that "nearly all the arguments" start when you criticize them. This occurs because narcissistic people rely heavily on their partners for "validation" of their false self image of being the nearly perfect person.

 

Like narcissists, BPDers typically cannot tolerate criticism. But, with BPDers, this intolerance to criticism usually is NOT the main thing that starts arguments. Rather, the primary cause of fighting is any minor action or comment that triggers the BPDer's fear of abandonment or engulfment. And, because you never know what will trigger her fear next, you always will find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid an accidental trigger of her fears. With my exW, for example, I could tell her the same joke 8 times in a row and, all 8 times, she would laugh in delight. On the 9th time, however, she might blow up into a rage because -- given the intense feelings she happens to be experiencing at that time -- her perception of that joke is radically distorted.

 

The result is that, with narcissists, you generally can avoid fights by never criticizing them and by always agreeing with them. With BPDers, however, it is impossible to avoid fights (after the infatuation evaporates) because she will find a reason to blame you for her unhappiness NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. With BPDers, you both are in a lose/lose situation. As I noted earlier, this is mainly due to the fact that her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. Hence, you will start triggering one fear when drawing closer to her and will start triggering the other fear as you move away. Moreover, there is no midpoint position (between "too far away" and "too close") where you can safely stand. That Goldilocks position simply doesn't exist.

 

I'm not sure if she still loves me or maybe she felt like we tried numerous times and that was it.

As I noted earlier, if she has strong narcissistic traits she never did love you because she is incapable of doing so. Hence, if you are convinced she did love you at one time, this behavioral trait is not consistent with full-blown narcissism.

[Harvey84]

Hi Downtown, the 4 main ones are:

 

Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never (strong)

 

Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells (very strong)

 

Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune (very strong)

 

Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people (strong)

 

Black-white thinking Is another strong one

 

When it comes to a strong fear of abandonment I feel she like the felt I was never going to propose and even when I told her give things another go and I will when I'm ready she wasn't convinced and it was over not long after that.

 

She knew everything there was to know about my anxiety, what would hurt me and what didn't help but she continued to do it.

 

Even the way she ended it. She could easily have spoke to me, told me she didn't love me or it's time to just let things go and move on but she didn't.

I told her she needed to compromise and listen to what I want and I got a goodbye then and that was it. Tried reaching out to her since for an explanation but she has completely ignored every attempt I've made.

To me it's like she has no regard to my feelings, and done this knowing it would hurt me the most and she definitely knew it would trigger my anxiety.

It's not like we had a massive abusive argument or anything of the sort. I find that to be narcissistic behaviour of the extreme.

I never deserved that I treated her with love and respect. Only thing I didn't do in the whole time we were together that she wanted was propose.

[Downtown]

I find that to be narcissistic behaviour of the extreme. I never deserved.

Harvey, I agree with you that the behaviors you describe sound closer to the warning signs for narcissism than those for BPD. As I noted, it is a narcissistic trait for nearly all the arguments to originate from your criticizing her or disagreeing with her. Similarly, it seems significant that you cannot recall her exhibiting any strong irrational jealousy -- a trait that is more closely associated with BPD.

[PLT]

I'm in a similar situation to you Harvey. The love of my life and I broke up 2 weeks ago. I ended it as I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore.

 

I know this woman is no good for me. She doesn't make me feel good about myself, quite the opposite in fact. I'm a fair bit older than you I think and have been married twice, have kids, but this woman. Well, I've never felt intensity and passion like it, for the first couple of years anyway. I honestly thought she would be my last first kiss, that we would grow old together.

 

But then it started to change. Slowly, no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. In many cases I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. This woman who told me I was the most amazing fella she'd ever met suddenly saw negatives in everything I said, everything I did, and everything about my past, which she knew about from day 1 pretty much as I'm an open book.

 

This break up is our 3rd in as many months, as despite me making a lot of effort and positive changes, she just carried on her merry old ways with bouts of rage, up to 5 days of the silent treatment for things I had no control over, contradicting herself (too much sex, not enough sex, too spontaneous, not spontaneous enough and so on) and irrational jealousy when I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and told her countless times that just isn't in my DNA. Every time my phone buzzed, it was "whos that?" 9 times out of 10 it was my grown up son! It's like she was desperate to convince herself that I wasn't actually the decent bloke that I think I am.

 

I have started NC 7 times now. I've not lasted more than 2 days. I have been through an awful lot in my life (abused by neighbour as a child, father comitted suicide when I was 14, 2 of my children died from a rare genetic disorder, nephew who I was very close to was a heroin addict and died aged 27) and consider myself to be a strong person, but I'm weak when it comes to her.

 

My final contact to her was this evening, basically just saying how I still loved her but we just aren't right for each other, and that I will now stop bothering her with my messages (that she never responds to anyway).

 

The NC is for me, to heal. It's not to try and make her miss me, it's not to try and win her back. I know deep down it's now dead, as I don't think she is capable of making the changes she would need to to keep "us" alive. It's far easier for her to hit the reset button with another fella who doesn't see her BPD traits (yet).

 

Like me, you need to accept that this relationship is done. It can never go back to how it was in the "honeymoon phase". Keep reminding yourself every day about her ****ty behaviour. Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life? A therapist once said to me, about a member of my family, "Assume that they will NEVER change. Now, you have 2 choices. You can accept that that is how they are and deal with any pain or trauma that comes with that, or you can walk away. That is the only 2 options open to you because you can't change them."

 

All the best of luck to you. I know it's hard. Take it one day at a time. Maintain NC. Try to make a list of positives things for the day at the end of the day. They don't have to be huge. When you are very low even just managing to get out of the house for some fresh air is a positive.

 

My positives for today:

 

-I got out for some fresh air.

-I did some housework that I have been neglecting because I'm too wrapped up in my misery.

-I broke NC (yet again), but I don't feel too bad about it. Sending the message I sent felt final to me, but also I don't like leaving things on a sour note. I made sure I apologised for my part in the relationships demise, but made it clear (I think) that I realise we just aren't right for each other.

- I only burst into tears once all day, and that was when I first woke up.

- I managed to eat 1 and a half meals

 

Stay strong mate.

[Harvey84]

PLT sorry to hear what your going through too.

Thats exactly how I felt, damn if I do, damned if I don't.

I feel insecurity plays a big part. Told her countless times that I wasnt going anywhere and was constantly making changes to show I was 100% committed to her but still wasn't good enough.

What your therapist said is so true, they wont change and I would of had a lifetime of trauma and I would of probably had a breakdown.

Ive excepted its been over for a while now but I still wake up early everyday with the feeling of hurt and abandonment. Thats were im struggling at the moment.

Started reading my core transformation book which is helping. Might help me find my inner peace and Ive also deleted her phone number and email so no temptation to contact again as I cant.

The thing that eats away at me the most is how someone you truly loved and showed this to them everyday can erase you from their life with no explanation and completely ignore every attempt you make to reach out to them. Been well over a month now and im still trying to figure out why and come to terms with it. Its so bloody hard!

[PLT]

Harvey, all those things that you are thinking, and are struggling with, are completely normal, because you are an emotionally functioning person.

 

Your ex isn't. My ex isn't. It's all a part of their game. It's how they work. It seems a little cruel perhaps but I just telling keep myself that it's someone elses problem now. Oh sure it may well be fireworks and rainbows now, but it won't last.

 

I've been watching a fair few youtube videos about Cluster B types and I think the one that really hit it home for me was

 

My ex did every single one of these (apart from word salad). I found myself chuckling as I listened to it as the presenter described what had been confusing me for so long perfectly.

 

The more of this stuff I watch and read the more relaxed I feel about never seeing this woman again. The more I realise that it wasn't me, it was her. The more I understand I'm not all those things she called me, I'm not as worthless as she told me I was, and that ultimately, SHE doesn't deserve ME.

 

It's 11am and my first positive for the day is I blocked this bitch on facebook, and didnt feel a thing as I did it.

 

EDIT: Oh and the insecurity, well think long and hard about that. My ex used to say things like "We don't see each other during the week, you don't know what I could be up to", "Oh I've been with my other man" followed by "Of course I'm not, what do you think I am?" and "You're easily replaceable you know" and other things to sow the seed of doubt in my mind. If someone is saying things like that to you on a regular basis, OF COURSE you are going to get insecure. But of course then, that's another thing to attack you with. "You're so insecure", "Why are you so needy?", "All my friends think you are the most insecure man on Earth", "Why don't you grow some balls?"

 

It's just another part of their game to devalue you.

Edited February 4, 2016 by PLT

[Harvey84]

Was watching that video you posted PLT and it's hitting home for me too.

Anytime we argued it wouldn't get resolved. If it was at bedtime she'd get up the next day and act all lovely like nothing happened. As soon as I mentioned the argument again to her (as I'd like to sort it and at least resolve things) I'd get accused of keeping it going and told to drop it!

Also she would change the subject in the middle of the argument and bring up things that happened months ago. No wonder I'm going through therapy!

For me I've yet to experience any other long term relationship, so I can't compare her to anyone else. I've probably been delusionilised thinking all this is normal and its me who has the problem. She's had at least 6-7 previous relationships before me, while this was my first proper one.

[Harvey84]

Just a quick update everyone.

I still haven't heard a word from her in over a month. I came to the conclusion that I never will and to me it's like a narcissistic punishment for me standing up for myself and what I wanted. She couldn't handle it so tried to hurt me in the worst way possible.

Anyway I've got a night out tonight with friends in town to look forward too and I've got a date tomorrow and another possible one the following week!

It doesn't seem right still but I just feel like I have to move on, interact with other girls and not sit at home wandering why she did this to me.

Wish my luck everyone! And a massive thanks to anyone who has given me advice on the forum. It has helped me so much and gave me that piece of mind that I was in a toxic relationship with someone. Doesn't matter how much you love them, sometimes you just need to be told that that isn't right.

I'm starting to see that now, or at least it's sinking in. She can go and find another guy to screw up mentally and never compromise or listen too.

Onwards and upwards from now on!!!

[louxor]

Just a quick update everyone.

I still haven't heard a word from her in over a month. I came to the conclusion that I never will and to me it's like a narcissistic punishment for me standing up for myself and what I wanted. She couldn't handle it so tried to hurt me in the worst way possible.

Anyway I've got a night out tonight with friends in town to look forward too and I've got a date tomorrow and another possible one the following week!

It doesn't seem right still but I just feel like I have to move on, interact with other girls and not sit at home wandering why she did this to me.

Wish my luck everyone! And a massive thanks to anyone who has given me advice on the forum. It has helped me so much and gave me that piece of mind that I was in a toxic relationship with someone. Doesn't matter how much you love them, sometimes you just need to be told that that isn't right.

I'm starting to see that now, or at least it's sinking in. She can go and find another guy to screw up mentally and never compromise or listen too.

Onwards and upwards from now on!!!

 

Don't see her lack of contact as a punishment because it's not. Even though it hurts, its the best thing she could be doing for you right now. She's bad for you to have in your life so she's done the work and removed herself completely. Sure, this is probably not her reason for having no contact, but who cares - she's doing you a favour.

 

Good job on the dates, I hope they go great! Just a word of advice, be a little careful with these to begin with - Your emotions are still quite raw so you don't want to let them take over, but other than that, go have a great time!

 

I'm very glad you've begun to see yourself that she isn't right for you! Amazing progress, keep it going

[Downtown]

Harvey, thanks for returning to give us an update on your remarkable progress. I join Louxor in wishing you the best on your upcoming dates. Please remember -- when you're healed and ready to start getting serious -- that healthy women typically don't start off the first two weeks with idealization and love bombing.

 

Hence, it is important to allow sufficient time for the relationship to develop slowly when you are seeking an emotionally healthy woman. I mention this only because, with guys like us who are stumbling out of NPDer and BPDer toxic relationships, we tend to get disappointed when waiting for the fireworks to arrive.

[louxor]

Please remember -- when you're healed and ready to start getting serious -- that healthy women typically don't start off the first two weeks with idealization and love bombing.

 

Hence, it is important to allow sufficient time for the relationship to develop slowly when you are seeking an emotionally healthy woman

 

Could not be more true!

Edited February 6, 2016 by louxor

[Harvey84]

Well one of the dates fell through and the other we are old friends so decided to keep it that way. My heart truly isn't in it for now, it's been over 6 weeks and I'm still hurting.

I feel like I'm in my own little bubble and all these happy things are happening around me and I just can't smile. I'm still waking up early and thinking about her and everyday I'm just glad to get through it and only feel at peace when I'm asleep. The only thing for now that keeps me ticking over is my work which keeps me busy.

Been going out at the weekends with my mates and again I just don't feel like me anymore. They all want me (my family too) to get back to the old me and I've had so much advice from them and on here too but I just feel used, depressed and left with the biggest head f*** I've ever had. I keep saying to myself you will come out stronger, but for now it's hard to deal with.

I find it hard to restrain myself from doing anything silly, like contacting her or her mate. No one will tell me anything and I'm finding it so hard to just get her out my head.

A girl who was friends with my ex before I came on the scene heard what had happened and got into contact with me. She told me my ex had deleted and blocker her from FB for not going on a night out with her. She told me the day my ex started chatting me up on a dating website she had been dumped that very day by someone she had been in a relationship over a year with. This is something I didn't know and she never mentioned it to me when we were together.

She also mentioned that my exes family and very few friends she has keep there distance from her because of her ways. Wish someone had told me all this early on.

I'm not going to act all innocent in this either, she made me feel needy and I was moaning a lot to her about how this and that wasn't right. Found myself texting her about it all too and I wish I had just chilled out and took a back seat. Done things I was doing before I met her.

The thought that I'm probably out her head now and she's moved onto the next guy actually makes me feel sick and that I loved her so much and those 2 years together mean nothing to her.

We didn't even have a break up talk, she just disappeared from my life and left me devastated. I'm finding it so hard, it's my birthday tomorrow and I just wish I wasn't here anymore.

I know I fell for the wrong person and I know I deserve something better but it doesn't stop how I feel.

[Harvey84]

Been told she was out last night with some guy. Kind of tells me everything really. Wish I could move on so quickly!!!

[Qboro90]

Stop monitoring her behavior and activity. That's never going to help you move on. It's doing the opposite. Delete her on all social media and tell your friends you'd appreciate it if they don't tell you updates about her activities

[Harvey84]

A quick update. My therapy starts tomorrow, I think its just to talk and see what therapy would suit me best. Im hoping for one to one rather than group therapy. Quite apprehensive about it all but I'm just going to be completely honest with them and hopefully get the help I need.

My doctor put me on antidepressants which haven't kicked in yet. Been only just over a week since I started using them.

I find it hard to motivate myself at times and have been struggling with getting a good sleep and still a bit nervy and jumpy at times.

I haven't tried to contact my ex for over a month now and I still find it hard but I just keep telling myself she is gutless and I will be stronger for this in the long run.

Im hoping the therapy will help me get my self esteem back and I can move on and get my head sorted.

[Calmandfocused]

Don't let your self worth be determined by your ex's behaviour/ feelings towards you. This is not controlled by her. You're suffering from anxiety because your preoccupied with what she thinks and how she feels about you. Change you focus and recognise yourself for the confident, anxiety free person you were before you met her. Her opinion didn't matter then, don't let it matter now.