tuxedo cat Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Who knows, we still haven't set up the details. If he stops replying to my texts then I will know that it's not. Have you initiated any texts? If so, how has he responded?
tuxedo cat Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 He was similarly brief no matter what the subject. He will text me "good morning" and "can't wait to see you" but apart from that conversation lacks anything substantial. I am not sure if I am being too picky or is this a sign to move on. What is he like conversationally in person? Or over the phone?
Jejangles Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 The more I read about this, the more I think the texting is a symptom of a bigger issue. What really seems to be the issue is you guys have very different schedules and that delays you seeing each other (which is where true attachment in dating builds). So you're looking to build the connection between dates via text or phone, but he's not really accommodating that. I had a very similar situation a few months ago. I right away realised the guy I had been on a date with probably lived too far away and had too different a schedule from me, but I decided to go on a few more dates anyway. We had date 1, then three weeks till date 2, 1 week till date 3 then a whopping 6 weeks till date 4 (all because of his schedule / availability). He would text a line or two every day and take up to 24 hours to reply to texts, and I realised it was going nowhere. On date 4 it felt like date 1 because we hadn't built a connection. In the end we faded on each other after date 4. Anyway, I think you need to think about whether your very different schedules are going to work out. And if you do want to move forward, go on the date on Monday and talk to him! See what he says about his communication preferences and go from there. If he has such a busy and unusual work schedule this level of contact probably works for him. The question is, does it work for you?
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 She should sit on her hands and observe all the way up to Sunday night. If he doesn't confirm time and place by then, and that's generous, she makes other plans PERIOD. Don't reach out in any way. Keep insecurities in check, be resolved. If nothing else it will demonstrate to him what her expectations are . . . he didn't communicate, I made other plans. He initiated the date, he needs to follow through. Teach them how to treat you and to respect your time and space. 3
BluEyeL Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 In response to what tuxedo said, I have to say that indeed, my guy is not a huge talker either, or very touchy-feely. He's a guy, very much a guy, stereotypical, and I love it. He'll fix everything, he'll take care of you, but he won't give you daily massages, and will not tell you how pretty you are 10x/day. My ex-husband was very chatty, very verbally demonstrative, oh I love you,, you're the most beautiful in the world, the smartest, the most amazing. Meh..he still cheated on me, never helped me with anything, was enormously entitled, and also abandoned me and his son after almost 20 years together while proclaiming his endless love for us. He was never a good husband, never! I was doing everything, pushing the family forward, surviving...he was just continuously having a good life while complaining and asking for more like it was owed to him. He was an excellent boyfriend though, you girls would like him. Sooo much fun!! Sooo romantic! You would have a ton of fun with him! That's why this time I madesure I don't go for that type. Not looking for fun, looking for a life partner, who is there for you, stable in every way, helpful in every way, kind, with excellent character, albeit maybe not as chatty or texty and yes, sometimes he converses in grunts. Sounds like a bear. I love him to death though so I guess it's really about compatibility. Like Red said, look what he's doing about the date. He needs to confirm date, time and location. That's the thing to look for. Not the blah blah blah 3
carhill Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 She should sit on her hands and observe all the way up to Sunday night. If he doesn't confirm time and place by then, and that's generous, she makes other plans PERIOD. Don't reach out in any way. Keep insecurities in check, be resolved. If nothing else it will demonstrate to him what her expectations are . . . he didn't communicate, I made other plans. He initiated the date, he needs to follow through. Teach them how to treat you and to respect your time and space. Yep, and, additionally, go out with some other guys. Keep those hands and mind busy. The compatible guy will rise to the top. I wouldn't suggest this if the interaction was dates down the road and well on the way to exclusive involvement but this discussion was the aftermath of one date and some texts. Live a little
Miss Peach Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 In my case the guy asked me out and planned the date like clockwork. When I was out with him he was great. But I echo what the others said in that it always felt like a first date and I really didn't have a great connection. It's better in my case now because we see each other often so more of the connection has been built. He treats me really well when we're together. Still I struggle a bit with the connection when I take a look at how long we've been dating. It's been 9 months now and it feels like 4 in comparison to my other relationships. It's only been one date but my BTDT advice is figure out what you can live with before you see too much of him. Something like I need to talk to him or see him X times per week. If he can't meet that between his communication preferences and his schedule you're best to move on and find a better fit. I would also date. I dated 3+ guys while my BF was doing this. I would have gone insane if I had put more effort in at that time based on how he acted.
tuxedo cat Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) In response to what tuxedo said, I have to say that indeed, my guy is not a huge talker either, or very touchy-feely. He's a guy, very much a guy, stereotypical, and I love it. He'll fix everything, he'll take care of you, but he won't give you daily massages, and will not tell you how pretty you are 10x/day. My ex-husband was very chatty, very verbally demonstrative, oh I love you,, you're the most beautiful in the world, the smartest, the most amazing. Meh..he still cheated on me, never helped me with anything, was enormously entitled, and also abandoned me and his son after almost 20 years together while proclaiming his endless love for us. He was never a good husband, never! I was doing everything, pushing the family forward, surviving...he was just continuously having a good life while complaining and asking for more like it was owed to him. He was an excellent boyfriend though, you girls would like him. Sooo much fun!! Sooo romantic! You would have a ton of fun with him! That's why this time I madesure I don't go for that type. Not looking for fun, looking for a life partner, who is there for you, stable in every way, helpful in every way, kind, with excellent character, albeit maybe not as chatty or texty and yes, sometimes he converses in grunts. Sounds like a bear. I love him to death though so I guess it's really about compatibility. Like Red said, look what he's doing about the date. He needs to confirm date, time and location. That's the thing to look for. Not the blah blah blah Does it have to be either or? My ideal is a guy who is communicative/chatty, with whom I can have lively conversations, who is stable and loyal. I don't need to be showered in constant compliments, though...I find that a bit But lots of ILYs is always nice. Edited January 28, 2016 by tuxedo cat
sb6052 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 date advice sites and coaches and stuff now tell guys to keep the texting and chatting to a minimum between dates for the first few times, as doing it too often shows neediness, clinginess, and not having enough to do. or they get too used to the idea of you being there and responding at a moment's notice, and there's nothing to wonder about anymore. not sure how accurate that all is or if it applies equally to everyone. but they emphasize just setting up the basics for the next date, maybe exchanging a joke text or two but that's it. i'll admit i've over-texted a girl after my first and second dates and that may have contributed to eventually losing a chance with her, among other things. i became too familiar and available too fast. maybe that caused me to lose any mysterious edge i had early in the game, and caused her to move on. i tend to resist doing that now even if they initiate the texting. i keep it relatively short and wait to do the real interaction in person 1
tuxedo cat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 date advice sites and coaches and stuff now tell guys to keep the texting and chatting to a minimum between dates for the first few times, as doing it too often shows neediness, clinginess, and not having enough to do. or they get too used to the idea of you being there and responding at a moment's notice, and there's nothing to wonder about anymore. not sure how accurate that all is or if it applies equally to everyone. but they emphasize just setting up the basics for the next date, maybe exchanging a joke text or two but that's it. i'll admit i've over-texted a girl after my first and second dates and that may have contributed to eventually losing a chance with her, among other things. i became too familiar and available too fast. maybe that caused me to lose any mysterious edge i had early in the game, and caused her to move on. i tend to resist doing that now even if they initiate the texting. i keep it relatively short and wait to do the real interaction in person This is honestly bad advice. Most women will lose interest and next a guy if a guy rarely communicates. It's about finding the right balance and sensing the girl's preferences. If she is receptive to your texts and wants to chat keep it up. If not, back off.
katiegrl Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 This is honestly bad advice. Most women will lose interest and next a guy if a guy rarely communicates. It's about finding the right balance and sensing the girl's preferences. If she is receptive to your texts and wants to chat keep it up. If not, back off. Agree with this. Doesn't mean every day in the beginning, but if they're seeing each other once a week, then every other day (or even every third day)....just to touch base. It's about keeping the connection alive.....and women need to feel connected during those times they're not together. I am not talking long-winded conversations about love, life, etc... talk about those things on your date. But a quick "hey, thinking of you, how was your day" would be nice...and would help to keep the connection alive til they see each other again. Men may not need that...but women DO, and it's important that men understand that.
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 This is honestly bad advice. Most women will lose interest and next a guy if a guy rarely communicates. It's about finding the right balance and sensing the girl's preferences. If she is receptive to your texts and wants to chat keep it up. If not, back off. even if they initiate the texting. i keep it relatively short and wait to do the real interaction in person -- I always only texted my SO in case he was busy and couldn't respond right way and left it to him and I kept it to the point. He always picks up the phone to call me and carry on a conversation about whatever it was. I will do the same with him. Sometimes he texts me and knows I'm at work. I get a heads up and I call him as soon as I can. In other words, pick up the phone and talk. Forget about texting as part of developing a relationship. Texting is for quick, to the point immediate information purposes, not for carrying on whole conversations. 3
MidwestUSA Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Idk, ES, a paragraph in response to how are you? It's usually a rhetorical question, especially in text. Maybe keep your answers in text short and he may pick up the phone for more detailed conversations. Amen. When H and I were dating, we logged a ridiculous amount of phone time. So much that I checked my cell records to verify. 120 hours in the first month. Often, we talked for four to five hours. Once, I managed to start out sober and was drunk when we said goodbye. Another time, he started out drunk and sobered up. Ah, the old days. But, OP, it doesn't sound like this guy is it. More fish out there, keep plugging along. 1
tuxedo cat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 This is honestly bad advice. Most women will lose interest and next a guy if a guy rarely communicates. It's about finding the right balance and sensing the girl's preferences. If she is receptive to your texts and wants to chat keep it up. If not, back off. I forgot to add that the best thing you can do to pique a woman's interest is to MIRROR her behavior. If she is receptive to texting, text a lot. If she barely responds to your texts, stop texting her. This is what players do because it's psychologically very effective.
tuxedo cat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 even if they initiate the texting. i keep it relatively short and wait to do the real interaction in person -- I always only texted my SO in case he was busy and couldn't respond right way and left it to him and I kept it to the point. He always picks up the phone to call me and carry on a conversation about whatever it was. I will do the same with him. Sometimes he texts me and knows I'm at work. I get a heads up and I call him as soon as I can. In other words, pick up the phone and talk. Forget about texting as part of developing a relationship. Texting is for quick, to the point immediate information purposes, not for carrying on whole conversations. I'm combining texting and phoning into one behavior. If he calls you even better, but most of the guys I met who weren't texters also avoided the phone. May also be a generational thing. I'm early thirties and most ppl my age and younger only text.
katiegrl Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) I forgot to add that the best thing you can do to pique a woman's interest is to MIRROR her behavior. If she is receptive to texting, text a lot. If she barely responds to your texts, stop texting her. This is what players do because it's psychologically very effective. What's interesting is that this is the SAME advice given to women about men. MIRROR his actions. If he takes three days to respond, then she should wait three days to respond back. If he doesn't respond at all....then stop texting him. It's a wonder how any two people manage to get together at all when they're each told to mirror each other!! Something's gotta give.... Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 What's interesting is that this is the SAME advice given to women about men. MIRROR his actions. If he takes three days to respond, then she should wait three days to respond. If he doesn't respond at all....then stop texting him. It's a wonder how any two people manage to get together at all when they're each told to mirror each other!! Something's gotta give.... Mirroring isn't supposed to be a tool of manipulation. It isn't even something that is a conscious action. Mirroring occurs after a relationship is established and there is a natural mirroring that occurs which signifies an emotional synchronization, more or less, between the two people. This can be observed easily sometimes with some older, long time married couples who are simply in tune with each other
Leigh 87 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 My bf is a self described non texter. He would still text most days. Just little things like "thinking of u" and "u look stunning in that dress" He wouldn't text AT ALL during the week and instead, would call me after he finished work rather then text me. But during the first two weekends we didn't hang out together due to the long distance and the fact we weren't ready for sleepovers (AKA sex). During our days apart when he didn't give me his "hey how are you doing wanna hang out"text after work (he worked in my area and went home weekends) he DID manage to text me..... He barely texted. Just a "thinking of u" once a day or so. But yeah...he was poor and a non texter and a major introvert get he still managed to get the ball rolling and make me giddy with excitement over him. I never worried about him lacking interest.
Leigh 87 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Mirroring isn't supposed to be a tool of manipulation. It isn't even something that is a conscious action. Mirroring occurs after a relationship is established and there is a natural mirroring that occurs which signifies an emotional synchronization, more or less, between the two people. This can be observed easily sometimes with some older, long time married couples who are simply in tune with each other This describes it perfectly. ... My bf and I naturally just spoke when we felt like it! We were very guarded at first due to ourfast developing feelings and the fear of getting hurt and so his phone call at night felt perfect. Any less and I'd have questioned things. Incessant texting and I would have been scared of the intensity with which we were both falling for one another. It is the best feeling when youdon't have to play games or try and act less interested or play it cool because you're unsure of their interest levels so you get them to chase. Or try to.
Timshel Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Amen. When H and I were dating, we logged a ridiculous amount of phone time. So much that I checked my cell records to verify. 120 hours in the first month. Often, we talked for four to five hours. Once, I managed to start out sober and was drunk when we said goodbye. Another time, he started out drunk and sobered up. Ah, the old days. But, OP, it doesn't sound like this guy is it. More fish out there, keep plugging along. Tell me about it G. was in Boston and me FL at first. Thank God he moved. We can't forget that ES and dude have only had <ONE> date so far.......I get the difference in talk taste buuut maybe a few more dates before we are even sure he's not a communicator? Just a thought ES. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 I'm at date #3 with another guy. I am not invested in either of them, it feels like going through the motions :/ The only reason I'm more interested in this one is because he has no kids. My strong preference is to date a man without children. Back to this guy, he sent a few texts this morning, says he is looking forward to Monday but no firm plans. I'm going to let him lead on that one. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'm at date #3 with another guy. I am not invested in either of them, it feels like going through the motions :/ The only reason I'm more interested in this one is because he has no kids. My strong preference is to date a man without children. Back to this guy, he sent a few texts this morning, says he is looking forward to Monday but no firm plans. I'm going to let him lead on that one. Perfect, keep moving it feels like going through the motions -- that's actually not such a bad thing. It will help you be objective. I'd like to hear little more excitement in your "voice", but that may come if a guy comes along that's really "doing it for you"
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 The other guy (3 dates so far) is actually a lot warmer....and he has been consistentely in touch and setting up dates. He has a 10 yo daughter and has a worse job than the OP guy. I am also physically more attracted to him even though the OP guy is objectively better looking.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 The other guy (3 dates so far) is actually a lot warmer....and he has been consistentely in touch and setting up dates. He has a 10 yo daughter and has a worse job than the OP guy. I am also physically more attracted to him even though the OP guy is objectively better looking. Remember: Give your time and attention to a man who wants to get to know you. This guy here sounds like a better prospect for you. OP guy may not have children but he'll never be free on weekends, prime nights, or holidays. That in itself is worse than having 5 kids. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Remember: Give your time and attention to a man who wants to get to know you. This guy here sounds like a better prospect for you. OP guy may not have children but he'll never be free on weekends, prime nights, or holidays. That in itself is worse than having 5 kids. If what he says is even true...worst case scenario is that he is married or in a serious R so is tied up at those times :/
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