He doesn't put much effort into conversation between dates

[No_Go]

I was a virgin indeed (total virgin, never even kissed a man by then), I was also 25+ and this was my first attempt for a real relationship, he was not legally divorced yet, and most importantly - I liked him so much that it was hard for me to make moves in fear of losing him... Well lost him anyway.

 

Well my picker fails in other aspects, but regarding desire to be in a relationship, letting the sarcasm aside - 2 or 20 dates give the same information unless you're progressing the relationship (eg meeting friends and families), which I will not do if I'm not sexually compatible with the guy.

 

Congratulations for your picker. My advice does not apply to women who pick the right men at the first try, just by looking at them twice. That's outstanding.

 

not sure why you waited more than one year with the other guy, but maybe you were a virgin, who knows?

[Miss Peach]

OP - I probably cold have written your post when I met my BF 9 months ago. I was seeing about 4 guys and one of the guys I liked and thought we would be a good match but he only contacted me for dates once every week or so. All the other guys were texting and calling me and setting up dates.

 

He was always a gentleman who picked me up, took me out to dinner, wasn't overly physical, etc. We had a lot of similarities in values and experiences. I could tell in his body language and facial expressions he was into me. That was the only reason I put up with it and let it play out despite my feelings. I refused to sleep with him until I knew what was going on.

 

I talked to one of my long-term male friends about it. Both of us didn't feel it was a good sign. So I gave it a deadline in my head (3 months) and if he didn't make me and treat me like a GF (and ask me to be one) by that point in time but was still asking me out I was going to start turning him down citing what I was looking for.

 

In the end my BF stepped up right before I was going to break it off (he didn't know this). He went to wanting to be serious, to wanting to see me 2-4 nights per week, etc. on his own accord.

 

He is still not a phone talker and is crap with communication between seeing each other. I have told him I dislike it and how it impacts my feelings towards him. When he does reach out I tell him how happy I am to hear from him. I don't want to be the only one communicating at this point so all our communication is basically in person now. I am OK with it for now since we see each other so often but it does have an impact on my feeling connected to him. I have told him this. Still I rarely hear from him and have to initiate things if I want to hear from him. I know that things become more equal over time in a relationship but I am not someone who wants to chase a man nor do I want to force him to do things he doesn't want to.

 

In the end I really don't care so much about the phone call. I care about how much he'll bring me into his life. It has slowed my side down and kept me in reality many times. The rest of our relationship is really good so I'm trying to be patient to see how it unfolds but if he doesn't keep progressing things and bringing me into his life more at some point I'll need to walk. Probably around the year mark I will make the decision whether this is enough and if I can see him as a husband.

 

And katie, that's what i meant in re to Gaeta, not that the guy vanished because of it. People fight me tooth and nail on this, but I know this is right.

 

I agree with this. I don't do anything more than kissing until I understand the 'deal' and his actions back that up.

 

I'll personally risk all that. the benefits of keeping it in your pants outweigh all that by far.

 

I did risk all that. It worked out. While my friends banging guys early, sweet, smart, great women, have been dating for years with not one single serious boyfriend to show for it at the end of all that bangfest.

 

The bangfest part made me laugh but I agree with this too. Even if a guy wants a relationship he might not want it WITH ME. He might be after casual sex but want more WITH ME. I get that a guy might not know right away what he wants WITH ME. But I want to know what it is. I want to know the deal and whether it's something I want too. Waiting and feeling out a guy's actions if the easiest way to do this IME.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Miss Peach

[katiegrl]

And in the end, if the guy is genuine, he will be regardless whether you are intimate on date 1 or 100...

 

 

I agree with this. In fact, IMO, assuming you feel comfortable having sex (and not withholding it as some sort of test to determine whether or not he's a "player") I think having sex sooner rather than later is the way to go.

 

Not only because of the above quote (which I agree with), but the longer you date a man... the more risk you have of becoming emotionally involved.... and IF, per chance, he IS only after sex, he will disappear afterwards anyway....leaving you that much more hurt due to becoming more emotionally involved with him.

 

This is the way I have always conducted myself anyway....and I have never had a man fade or ghost after having sex with me..

 

To each his own though...whatever works for you.

[BluEyeL]

He is still not a phone talker and is crap with communication between seeing each other. I have told him I dislike it and how it impacts my feelings towards him. When he does reach out I tell him how happy I am to hear from him. I don't want to be the only one communicating at this point so all our communication is basically in person now. I am OK with it for now since we see each other so often but it does have an impact on my feeling connected to him. I have told him this. Still I rarely hear from him and have to initiate things if I want to hear from him. I know that things become more equal over time in a relationship but I am not someone who wants to chase a man nor do I want to force him to do things he doesn't want to.

 

In the end I really don't care so much about the phone call. I care about how much he'll bring me into his life. It has slowed my side down and kept me in reality many times. The rest of our relationship is really good so I'm trying to be patient to see how it unfolds but if he doesn't keep progressing things and bringing me into his life more at some point I'll need to walk. Probably around the year mark I will make the decision whether this is enough and if I can see him as a husband.

 

If the other parts of the relationship progress on schedule, be patient with the phone calls. My boyfriend only started the phone calls (facetime) recently, and we've been dating about 1 year and 8 months. Look for the actions.

[BluEyeL]

I agree with this. In fact, IMO, assuming you feel comfortable having sex (and not withholding it as some sort of test to determine whether or not he's a "player") I think having sex sooner rather than later is the way to go.

 

Not only because of the above quote (which I agree with), but the longer you date a man... the more risk you have of becoming emotionally involved.... and IF, per chance, he IS only after sex, he will disappear afterwards anyway....leaving you that much more hurt due to becoming more emotionally involved with him.

 

This is the way I have always conducted myself anyway....and I have never had a man fade or ghost after having sex with me..

 

To each his own though...whatever works for you.

Yeah, this would never work for me. I simply don't want to sleep with strangers. I don't feel like it and I don't want to so I'll not do it. Hopefully I'll never have to date again.

 

You girls seem to have great intuition and kudos to you. I tend to believe you're the exception though. I'll stand my ground on the idea that in dating, slow and steady runs the race.

[katiegrl]

I'm happy for you that you found your guy but LMAO "bangfest", "keeping it in the pants" LOL I never though of my p...y as a treasure to be shared as some form of reward for good behavior... The desire is mutual ... At least in my own life experience I slept with 3 men, every single one turned into a LTR. "Kept it in my pants" for a guy that I really liked - he coupled with someone else after I waited >year. Statistics is missing here, but to me it seems like it is more luck and intuition than anything else to find a relationship-oriented man

 

My experience as well No Go....

[BluEyeL]

I meant "wins the race" Ugh

[katiegrl]

Yeah, this would never work for me. I simply don't want to sleep with strangers. I don't feel like it and I don't want to so I'll not do it. Hopefully I'll never have to date again.

 

You girls seem to have great intuition and kudos to you. I tend to believe you're the exception though. I'll stand my ground on the idea that in dating, slow and steady runs the race.

 

Well if I'm feeling comfy enough to have sex with him...then obviously I don't view him as a stranger.

 

I had sex with my ex the first night. We were together six years after that.

 

Even on that first date, I felt such a connection with him (beyond the physical)....that I did not view as a stranger, even though we just met.

 

I know it sounds weird, but that's how it went down.

 

We connected (on a mental and emotional level) very very quickly.

 

I felt perfectly comfortable having sex with him that first night.... and it worked out. Together six years.

[Gaeta]

You girls seem to have great intuition and kudos to you. I tend to believe you're the exception though. I'll stand my ground on the idea that in dating, slow and steady runs the race.

 

Again, slow and steady is good but we don't all have the same definition of slow & steady.

 

At 20 slow and steady meant dating 3 years. At 50 slow and steady means between 6 months to a year we make it or break it. There is no 'one answer fits all'.

[No_Go]

Yeah, this would never work for me. I simply don't want to sleep with strangers. I don't feel like it and I don't want to so I'll not do it. Hopefully I'll never have to date again.

 

So maybe I misunderstood you before then - I was arguing against "witholding it" as a test for seriousness, if the reason is you don't feel like it, that I completely agree with you (sex is neither a tool not a competition)

[Miss Peach]

So maybe I misunderstood you before then - I was arguing against "witholding it" as a test for seriousness, if the reason is you don't feel like it, that I completely agree with you (sex is neither a tool not a competition)

 

I know it might come off the way I post that I'm withholding for seriousness. I'm looking to make sure that I'm OK with the outcome afterward. I don't do it until I can own the outcome whatever it might be. For example, if I will be sad a guy didn't call me I don't do it until I know he will call.

[Peachland]

Yeah, this would never work for me. I simply don't want to sleep with strangers. I don't feel like it and I don't want to so I'll not do it. Hopefully I'll never have to date again.

 

You girls seem to have great intuition and kudos to you. I tend to believe you're the exception though. I'll stand my ground on the idea that in dating, slow and steady runs the race.

 

Blu,

How long did you wait and did you discuss with your boyfriend? I'm trying the slow approach. I have date 6 with a guy this week and all have been public dates over 3 weeks. He hasn't pushed for sex or anything but he is starting to wonder why I never let him step foot inside my house when he picks me up. The old Peachland would have had sex by this point...

[BluEyeL]

Blu,

How long did you wait and did you discuss with your boyfriend? I'm trying the slow approach. I have date 6 with a guy this week and all have been public dates over 3 weeks. He hasn't pushed for sex or anything but he is starting to wonder why I never let him step foot inside my house when he picks me up. The old Peachland would have had sex by this point...

 

I waited 3 months with him, but he is shy, probably I would have been ready earlier, maybe 2 months. He also helped me wait that long too We did not discuss it. I initiated it. I invited myself to his house when I was ready.

 

You could let him step foot into your house now, it just doesn't mean you'll sleep with him, just be ready to go

[Miss Peach]

I waited 3 months with current BF too. I had gone to his house a few times but I was confident he wouldn't push me for more than I wanted and he never did. He brought it up once and I wasn't ready at that time. He always made sure I was comfortable. When it happened both of us wish we had discuss sex a little more but we were both just so into the act that we both went a bit crazy one day.

 

My BF says he knew he wanted to be with me since out second date and he wouldn't have slept with me unless he knew he wanted a relationship. I do buy that since that is his value system and he's a lot more conservative sexually than I am. This sounds strange but I was at the point where I needed him to be a BF or not in my life (felt BF gave me mixed signals at times) so I went with it know whatever was meant to be would happen and I would have my answer soon.

[RedRobin]

Maybe you'll differentiate between players (well, just mean eager to have sex to be precise, there are worse forms of players) and slow movers, but you risk:

1) dating for months someone who is sexually incompatible (and worse, you may get emotionally attached before discovering that)

2) him sleeping with others while platonically getting to know you (sexual needs has to be somehow met, especially in high libido men)

3) being played back (guys are well aware of "player fear" and play it back by faking slow progress)

4) taking away a big component of joy & communication in dating if sex has any importance for you

 

And in the end, if the guy is genuine, he will be regardless whether you are intimate on date 1 or 100...

 

I get the wait tactic for young girls/boys but not for mature ripe adults 30+

 

People who have a habit of having sex with strangers aren't exactly the best people to give advice on this.

 

I never have sex early, and I do very well sorting out the insincere in whatever form it takes. Liars are liars. Unless they are a true sociopath, there will be tells.

 

This isn't about not having sex to prove a point or make a guy like you. That's retarded. It is about developing genuine intimacy... Not the fake stuff. As for sexual compatibility... There's lots of ways to determine that without sleeping with them. If they are lying about that part of their life too, then (wait for it)... Learn how to spot liars..

 

Sex is important to me... It is SO important to me that I don't want to spoil my experience by having sex with liars or the just plain confused.

 

Having sex with strangers has nothing to do with your age. in fact, it's more likely for young people to do that and not learn from their experiences than people who claim to be grown ups.

 

Anyway... My original opinion about this guy remains. He has a recent history of hooking up and likely doesn't have good relationship skills... And it is showing.

[dobielover]

Here is how it happened with me.

 

I met this man who over a first coffee told me he was very serious about finding a serious long term relationship and he was not into playing or any hit&go. That sounded good to me.

 

From there we had 3 great dates that he fully paid. No touching, no kissing, nothing. Actually I am the one who pretty much jumped on him for a kiss at the end of our 3rd date.

 

He also kept our contact minimal in between dates and he called when he felt like seeing me. No more investment on his part.

 

On our 4th date sex happened and he stayed over night. He was all excited about it and kept covering me with compliments.

 

Still he kept his communication to minimal.

 

Slowly I found myself in a situation where he only called to come to my place and I would barely hear from him in between.

 

It lasted about 6 weeks then he disappeared.

 

Players come in all types. Some like to hit & go, some like the long slow game where they have to work to win you over and once they did win you over they slowly fade away or better, disappear.

 

I wouldn't take this as he was a player. I would read this as he's serious that he wants to find someone, tried with you because you were good on paper, but never really felt it for you, hence the lack of physicality for four dates and disappearing at the end.

 

That might be what's happening here with the OP's guy, given that he was chatty online before their meeting and now isn't via text. He might be trying to give it an honest chance but isn't feeling all that inspired.

[Gaeta]

I wouldn't take this as he was a player. I would read this as he's serious that he wants to find someone, tried with you because you were good on paper, but never really felt it for you, hence the lack of physicality for four dates and disappearing at the end.

 

That might be what's happening here with the OP's guy, given that he was chatty online before their meeting and now isn't via text. He might be trying to give it an honest chance but isn't feeling all that inspired.

 

You're right.

 

My mistake is to think that people that identifies themselves as serious also have integrity and won't just disappear without a warning.

[katiegrl]

I know it might come off the way I post that I'm withholding for seriousness. I'm looking to make sure that I'm OK with the outcome afterward. I don't do it until I can own the outcome whatever it might be. For example, if I will be sad a guy didn't call me I don't do it until I know he will call.

 

How can you ever be sure he will call though?

 

From reading the posts on this forum from the guys....many guys have no idea how they truly feel until they have sex.

 

And even if they were super into you and had every intention of developing a RL with you before sex....often times that all changes after sex with you.

 

It's not like they intentionally deceived you...before sex they truly thought they wanted it.

 

But then afterwards, not so much.

 

So you just never truly know and can never be sure until it happens.

 

Again, just repeating what many men on this board tell us...

[No_Go]

OMG let stay polite ok? If you're referring to my 'sleeping with strangers', I had three (3) guys total, ever, each turned into my BF (1.5 year, 0.5 year, now 1 year is approaching and talking future). And I was so "promiscuous" that my first KISS was when I was 27.5 yo (and yes, I still slept with the guy on 3-4th date ... I think it was exactly a week after the 1st kiss, 3 weeks of knowing him )

 

Katie and the other people sharing their "sleeping with strangers' are also known here for their monogamous LTRs.

 

But I agree 'liars are liars'. Regardless of how you try to 'play' them (waiting games etc) they will still lie to you, that's who they are.

 

I'm 100% positive for people that wait for sex for religious, health, personal reasons. I refer to 'waiting to show how moral i am' attitude and the 'screen for players' tactic. These usually (not always) fail.

 

JMO.

 

People who have a habit of having sex with strangers aren't exactly the best people to give advice on this.

 

I never have sex early, and I do very well sorting out the insincere in whatever form it takes. Liars are liars. Unless they are a true sociopath, there will be tells.

 

This isn't about not having sex to prove a point or make a guy like you. That's retarded. It is about developing genuine intimacy... Not the fake stuff. As for sexual compatibility... There's lots of ways to determine that without sleeping with them. If they are lying about that part of their life too, then (wait for it)... Learn how to spot liars..

 

Sex is important to me... It is SO important to me that I don't want to spoil my experience by having sex with liars or the just plain confused.

 

Having sex with strangers has nothing to do with your age. in fact, it's more likely for young people to do that and not learn from their experiences than people who claim to be grown ups.

 

Anyway... My original opinion about this guy remains. He has a recent history of hooking up and likely doesn't have good relationship skills... And it is showing.

[Gaeta]

When did this thread become about early sex!

[No_Go]

OP, I felt compelled to respond to you after 'flooding' the tread.

 

IMO frequency of texting is a personal style, I would draw no conclusions from it (eg I do not enjoy texting, it distracts and stresses me, unless sharing information like time of next date)

 

The one concerning thing that I found in the tread is the low frequency of dates (IMO scheduling issues is usually excuse... Even the busiest person can squeeze 30-60 min 2-3x a week...)

 

'

I recently had 2 dates with an OLD guy. We chatted online for a few weeks before that. On the second date he tells me this: "I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". He also asked me about my schedule and since he works weird shifts and picked days that would work the best in seeing each other.

 

The problem is that between the dates, he texts barely couple of words and often just replies with "yes" or "no" if asked something without expanding or sending anything else. Just comes across as not being excited about me and general "meh" vibe.

 

I am not sure if I am over-analyzing.

[tuxedo cat]

We all have different wants and needs, but I wouldn't be able to date him long term. It's not even a question of how into you he is. Consider the following possibilities, none of them good: he is emotionally checked out in general, passive, or not very bright. His lack of communication combined with rushing the relationship seems like something is off, like it's all intellectual for him. The more pressing question is whether you find him intellectually stimulating, interesting and funny? Guys like that aren't usually monosyllabic in their texts. Are these qualities important to you in a partner? Also my one experience with a guy who told me he was looking for a relationship on the first date was that he was full of crap and it wasn't about me so much as finding any girl. He ended up leading me on in a really callous fashion for months.

Edited January 28, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[thecrucible]

With the guy I was seeing who was acting as the OP described, I think it was partly because he was autistic (I didn't know this at the time) and so I never really felt like I was bonding with him properly. That's always a possibility perhaps.

[dobielover]

You're right.

 

My mistake is to think that people that identifies themselves as serious also have integrity and won't just disappear without a warning.

 

He did give you warning.

 

Also, at 6 weeks, there's another kind of warning: it's called you've only been dating 6 weeks...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Today he texted:

 

Him:"Hey sweetie how are you?"

Me: _pargraph about work_: and you?

Him:"I am good. :)"

 

 

That's it?

I don't think I can work with this