preraph Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 If he's too dull to keep up a good conversation now while he's on his best dating behavior, just think what a bore he'll be once you marry him. He'll clam up and that will be that.
thecrucible Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I don't think texting between dates matters as much to begin with, but when you get to liking the guy more it becomes a real pain when you don't hear from him in-between dates. It makes you feel like you're not really on his mind and you're only a brief distraction. I dated a guy like that and it was horrible. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 In my experience men saying these types of things on first dates are full of it. In my case it was just a thing they said to throw sand in my eyes and play me easily. I don't see why he would do that. He has not tried to so much as kiss me yet (we hold hands though ), let alone sex. He takes me out and pays for everything. He doesn't talk about sex, invite me to his place or asks to come to mine. How exactly is he playing me? I mean he can't know this early if he is wants to have a relationship with me. But his intention is to have a serious relationship..I don't see that as a player thing. As for his past, he has had a plenty of LTRs, was engaged to a woman that he was with for 5 years but that ended 3 years ago. 2
introverted1 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 The only reason I would wonder about his lack of texting between dates is because you said he was initially chatty online before you set up your first date. Overall, though, unless you are going to be devastated by the outcome, I generally advocate letting things play out a bit (assuming no egregious red flags, which is a valid assumption here). His intentions will be revealed soon enough, I suspect. Hope this is a good one for you, ES! 3
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I don't see why he would do that. He has not tried to so much as kiss me yet (we hold hands though ), let alone sex. He takes me out and pays for everything. He doesn't talk about sex, invite me to his place or asks to come to mine. How exactly is he playing me? I mean he can't know this early if he is wants to have a relationship with me. But his intention is to have a serious relationship..I don't see that as a player thing. As for his past, he has had a plenty of LTRs, was engaged to a woman that he was with for 5 years but that ended 3 years ago. Here is how it happened with me. I met this man who over a first coffee told me he was very serious about finding a serious long term relationship and he was not into playing or any hit&go. That sounded good to me. From there we had 3 great dates that he fully paid. No touching, no kissing, nothing. Actually I am the one who pretty much jumped on him for a kiss at the end of our 3rd date. He also kept our contact minimal in between dates and he called when he felt like seeing me. No more investment on his part. On our 4th date sex happened and he stayed over night. He was all excited about it and kept covering me with compliments. Still he kept his communication to minimal. Slowly I found myself in a situation where he only called to come to my place and I would barely hear from him in between. It lasted about 6 weeks then he disappeared. Players come in all types. Some like to hit & go, some like the long slow game where they have to work to win you over and once they did win you over they slowly fade away or better, disappear.
BluEyeL Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Here is how it happened with me. I met this man who over a first coffee told me he was very serious about finding a serious long term relationship and he was not into playing or any hit&go. That sounded good to me. From there we had 3 great dates that he fully paid. No touching, no kissing, nothing. Actually I am the one who pretty much jumped on him for a kiss at the end of our 3rd date. He also kept our contact minimal in between dates and he called when he felt like seeing me. No more investment on his part. On our 4th date sex happened and he stayed over night. He was all excited about it and kept covering me with compliments. Still he kept his communication to minimal. Slowly I found myself in a situation where he only called to come to my place and I would barely hear from him in between. It lasted about 6 weeks then he disappeared. Players come in all types. Some like to hit & go, some like the long slow game where they have to work to win you over and once they did win you over they slowly fade away or better, disappear. In this scenario, you slept with him too soon. 3
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 In this scenario, you slept with him too soon. When people are in their 40s waiting 4th date or around 1 month is plenty.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 When people are in their 40s waiting 4th date or around 1 month is plenty. Not sure I do follow, please explain.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 I guess I am not overly invested for whatever happens. I have few other prospects. I am really sick of dating though and would like something to actually go somewhere
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 When people are in their 40s waiting 4th date or around 1 month is plenty. I was replying to BluEyed about having sex on a 4th date (1 month) is too early.
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I I am really sick of dating though and would like something to actually go somewhere My advice is for you to drop anyone that is not into it from the beginning. You know yourself, you know what you like and you like a man to show consistency. You like someone who offers a presence by calling or texting at a nice rhythm without overwhelming you. I keep saying when a man likes you and he's interested in getting to know you he will be in your face with it and you'll never find yourself guessing. On the other end, if you are serious about finding someone at the moment you meet someone nice stop looking for someone better and concentrate on that person. That's what I did. When I met my boyfriend the first time I felt so so about him, there was nothing wrong about him but I felt if I kept looking I may find someone more handsome, more chemistry, more this and more that. A friend told me this STOP looking for someone better! He's nice then concentrate on him!! and that's what I did and he turned out to be the nicest man I met and our connection is growing each day. I am so happy I stopped the madness and concentrated on him. 1
PegNosePete Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 In my experience men saying these types of things on first dates are full of it. In my case it was just a thing they said to throw sand in my eyes and play me easily. Agree. It's like people who say they are honest. People who really are honest, don't need to say it. They just are. People who are looking for relationships don't need to say it. They just act like it. If they do say it, I would think they're saying it for a reason, and the only reason I can think of is to deceive you. Of course after a few dates it makes sense to discuss where it's going. But saying this stuff on the first date. Nope. 3
carhill Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 He is 33, so a bit younger than me. I think it doesn't hurt giving it a chance. Just as I was writing this thread, I got a text from him that was actually couple of sentences long! At least he is making plans to take me out to dinner at a very nice place a week in advance. IMO, seek to experience it less as 'giving it a chance', rather letting it flow. You've expressed some annoyance here that this guy is too brief in his communications and that's valid. It's OK to be annoyed. That indicates your desire to not be annoyed and that you care about these interactions. Here, he has contacted you and wishes to take you out on a date, apparently to dinner. More opportunity for flow. If you enjoy his company in person, I'd suggest accepting that invitation. Why? Because relationships grow in person. Sure, other communication like texts are part, but the real meat of the interactions, and relationship, is in the flesh. I guess I am not overly invested for whatever happens. I have few other prospects. I am really sick of dating though and would like something to actually go somewhere Good that you have other prospects. Sure, no reason nor need to be invested in this person at this time, rather in your own desire for things to 'go somewhere' in your interpersonal relationship life. That's your goal. OK. IMO, if you do accept this dinner date, go with how you feel in expressing yourself and your interest during the date and, if you don't perceive his interest to be high in person, then move on. This respects your boundaries. If you do perceive his interest to be high and you remain attracted, deal with the texting stuff down the road. Keep showing up until one of you definitively says 'no'. I'm not hearing a 'no' from you yet. 1
katiegrl Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) In this scenario, you slept with him too soon. I don't think that made any difference at all. Either he's just a dyck who would have disappeared eventually no matter when "they" had sex, or he simply lost interest as he continued to date her. My guess it was the former (he's just a dyck). Edited January 27, 2016 by katiegrl 1
losangelena Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Agree. It's like people who say they are honest. People who really are honest, don't need to say it. They just are. Yeah, or those who say they're really good communicators or that they value good communication. I find those people to be the absolute worst at it. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Yeah, or those who say they're really good communicators or that they value good communication. I find those people to be the absolute worst at it. Eh..sometimes people just mean what they say. There doesn't always have to be an ulterior motive.
losangelena Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Eh..sometimes people just mean what they say. There doesn't always have to be an ulterior motive. I agree. And I think in your case with this guy, I would tend to believe his sincerity about his relationship preferences. I would take someone who said that at face value. All I was saying was that, in my experience, people who have told me "I value good communication," "I'm a good communicator," have exhibited the opposite behavior and have been fairly atrocious at communicating. Sometimes, not all the time, people do feel a need to overstate their case. Or as Will Shakespeare said, "[he] doth protest too much, me thinks." I hope things with your new guy go well!
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Eh..sometimes people just mean what they say. There doesn't always have to be an ulterior motive. There has to be a match with what they say and what they do. Does he walk the walk or he just talks? 1
Jejangles Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I think this is one of those "watch out" things. I have dated some guys who don't really communicate between dates and they have been half heartedly interested. But they have also been bad at lining up the next date. I have dated some guys who text tons but also spread dates out too much and show little interest in seeing me in person. So, in the early days, I actually like a guy who sets up dates and then has little or no communication between dates. Now that wouldn't work for me if we got more serious, so I would be watching out for it, but from dates say 1 to 5 I'm totally cool with it. In fact I'm dating someone now like that! After every date he immediately sets up the next, but we don't really chat between other than to discuss what we will be doing. But it can also be a player move - I did have one guy who was a total player who would only get in touch to plan dates. The best way to filter out the players from the slow movers is to hold back on getting physical and see how it plays out over time. 3
BluEyeL Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 The best way to filter out the players from the slow movers is to hold back on getting physical and see how it plays out over time. And katie, that's what i meant in re to Gaeta, not that the guy vanished because of it. People fight me tooth and nail on this, but I know this is right. 1
iphone_user1 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I always say what I'm looking for before meeting (nothing serious/serious relationship). And I do it because if I don't, it makes me feel like I'm wasting the other person's time and money. I'm not much into texting, I usually text a little between dates. But there've been some girls that would go insane if I didn't text them in 2 days LOL Just take it easy and have a talk about it with him. 1
No_Go Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) Maybe you'll differentiate between players (well, just mean eager to have sex to be precise, there are worse forms of players) and slow movers, but you risk: 1) dating for months someone who is sexually incompatible (and worse, you may get emotionally attached before discovering that) 2) him sleeping with others while platonically getting to know you (sexual needs has to be somehow met, especially in high libido men) 3) being played back (guys are well aware of "player fear" and play it back by faking slow progress) 4) taking away a big component of joy & communication in dating if sex has any importance for you And in the end, if the guy is genuine, he will be regardless whether you are intimate on date 1 or 100... I get the wait tactic for young girls/boys but not for mature ripe adults 30+ And katie, that's what i meant in re to Gaeta, not that the guy vanished because of it. People fight me tooth and nail on this, but I know this is right. Edited January 27, 2016 by No_Go Typo 2
BluEyeL Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) Maybe you'll differentiate between players (well, just mean eager to have sex to be precise, there are worse forms of players) and slow movers, but you risk: 1) dating for months someone who is sexually incompatible (and worse, you may get emotionally attached before discovering that) 2) him sleeping with others while platonically getting to know you (sexual needs has to be somehow met, especially in high libido men) 3) being played back (guys are well aware of "player fear" and play it back by faking slow progress) 4) taking away a big component of joy & communication in dating if sex has any importance for you And in the end, if the guy is genuine, he will be regardless whether you are intimate on date 1 or 100... I get the wait tactic for young girls/boys but not for mature ripe adults 30+ I'll personally risk all that. the benefits of keeping it in your pants outweigh all that by far. I did risk all that. It worked out. While my friends banging guys early, sweet, smart, great women, have been dating for years with not one single serious boyfriend to show for it at the end of all that bangfest. Edited January 27, 2016 by BluEyeL
No_Go Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm happy for you that you found your guy but LMAO "bangfest", "keeping it in the pants" LOL I never though of my p...y as a treasure to be shared as some form of reward for good behavior... The desire is mutual ... At least in my own life experience I slept with 3 men, every single one turned into a LTR. "Kept it in my pants" for a guy that I really liked - he coupled with someone else after I waited >year. Statistics is missing here, but to me it seems like it is more luck and intuition than anything else to find a relationship-oriented man I'll personally risk all that. the benefits of keeping it in your pants outweigh all that by far. I did risk all that. It worked out. While my friends banging guys early, sweet, smart, great women, have been dating for years with not one single serious boyfriend to show for it at the end of all that bangfest.
BluEyeL Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm happy for you that you found your guy but LMAO "bangfest", "keeping it in the pants" LOL I never though of my p...y as a treasure to be shared as some form of reward for good behavior... The desire is mutual ... At least in my own life experience I slept with 3 men, every single one turned into a LTR. "Kept it in my pants" for a guy that I really liked - he coupled with someone else after I waited >year. Statistics is missing here, but to me it seems like it is more luck and intuition than anything else to find a relationship-oriented man Congratulations for your picker. My advice does not apply to women who pick the right men at the first try, just by looking at them twice. That's outstanding. not sure why you waited more than one year with the other guy, but maybe you were a virgin, who knows?
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