How does it all fall apart? My heart hurts...

[katiegrl]

ddlovexx, most loving and stable relationship you have ever had?

 

Have you completely forgotten about the pages long thread you created on January 7 of this year?

 

Perhaps you should go back and re-read.

 

You received some excellent advice re this very dysfunctional and toxic relationship.

[ddlovexx]

This is nothing like that at all. He's been nothing but loving and supportive almost every single day of our relationship. We've grown a lot, always learn from our mistakes, have become so close and it's been so wonderful, even when we fight over silly things he's the one to say sorry first and fix it. He's never ever made me feel unloved until this moment. Please leave the past in the past this time and help me assess this one situation. I've learned tons and have grown so much since my last toxic relationship.

[katiegrl]

This is nothing like that at all. He's been nothing but loving and supportive almost every single day of our relationship. We've grown a lot, always learn from our mistakes, have become so close and it's been so wonderful, even when we fight over silly things he's the one to say sorry first and fix it. He's never ever made me feel unloved until this moment. Please leave the past in the past this time and help me assess this one situation. I've learned tons and have grown so much since my last toxic relationship.

 

I am not talking about your *last* toxic relationship.

 

Your pages long thread was 3.5 months ago (January 7th).....you said you have been dating this guy for SIX months, you do the math. I did!

 

It's the same guy you created your January 7 about, unless you haven't been dating this guy six months like you said in your original post.

[katiegrl]

This is nothing like that at all. He's been nothing but loving and supportive almost every single day of our relationship. We've grown a lot, always learn from our mistakes, have become so close and it's been so wonderful, even when we fight over silly things he's the one to say sorry first and fix it. He's never ever made me feel unloved until this moment. Please leave the past in the past this time and help me assess this one situation. I've learned tons and have grown so much since my last toxic relationship.

 

I am not talking about your *last* toxic relationship.

 

Your pages long thread was 3.5 months ago (January 7th).....you said you have been dating this guy for SIX months, you do the math. I did!

 

It's the same guy you created your January 7 about, unless you haven't been dating this guy six months like you said in your original post.

 

In any event, calling you the "C" word should be a dealbreaker.

 

A block, delete, nrxt dealbreaker.

 

Good luck

[ddlovexx]

I just looked and it clearly states two months... Unsure.

 

Can we please move on and help me tonight?

[ddlovexx]

Man sometimes the people on here are too harsh. He said it out of anger but I guess I should just give up since that's all everyone else on here has to say. Like I didn't spend 6 lovely months with this most wonderful man who has turned into a monster for a night and I'm confused.

 

There have been times I've been so angry I've said horrible things. So has my mom, and sister, and friends... That doesn't mean they meant it.

 

But Nevermind, I give up... What's the point anymore </3

[katiegrl]

Man sometimes the people on here are too harsh. He said it out of anger but I guess I should just give up since that's all everyone else on here has to say. Like I didn't spend 6 lovely months with this most wonderful man who has turned into a monster for a night and I'm confused.

 

There have been times I've been so angry I've said horrible things. So has my mom, and sister, and friends... That doesn't mean they meant it.

 

But Nevermind, I give up... What's the point anymore </3

 

Sweetie, seriously hun I am confused.

 

You said you have been dating THIS guy for six months, which means since October of last year.

 

That is six months ago.

 

You created a very disturbing thread on January 7th about a guy who, at that time, you had been dating two months.

 

I would love to help you, but between what was posted in your Jan 7th thread combined with this, you need to leave!

 

And no being angry does not justify him calling you the C word ... you need to respect yourself more and set better boundaries.

 

I would never ever stay with a man who called me that. Never ever!

[AMJ]

Although you calling him a dick the night before is not any better than him calling you a c u next tuesday. What's with the name calling between you two? And fighting over dumb things like chubby butts and having drinks or not having drinks?

[ddlovexx]

Well that's just it, we don't fight often and when we do it's often over small things or misunderstandings. Last night I was very tired from work and had work again in the morning. We were out late and I wanted go home but he wasn't ready and it created a fight bc he didn't want me to just leave without him but I was a bit too tired to stay. He was being a bit inconsiderate and he knows that, not the end of the world.

 

I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone who I've known for years and she knows both of us and she said it seems like there's an underlying issue within himself and he is just acting out and blowing it out of proportion. That sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're mad. To just give it a couple days and he'll realize he's wrong and misses me, etc.

 

Also, we rarely call each other names which is why this is kinda harsh. I shouldn't have said that even though I felt like he was being a dick... I can learn from that, and it's also not okay to say what he said to me tonight. I think all I can do is wait it out and hope we can move past it

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry you are hurting. It really does sound like the fight was an excuse to end the relationship. He would have picked a fight about anything and made it your fault so please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have said or done once he had made that decision.

 

Will he regret it? I can't answer that, but my advice would be to go radio silent on him. Do not reach out to him for anything, you will only end up getting rejected.

 

Once he has had time to see what life is like without you he will need to decide what to do about it. If he does reach out, he needs to be aware that his actions have consequences. You don't want to get caught up in a dramatic toxic relationship where that type of behavior is acceptable. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.

 

He sounds like he has a few issues at the moment, things you can't fix for him. All you can do is look after yourself right now and focus on your own happiness.

 

Take care.

[Buddhist]

I'm kinda in shock honestly. It started this whole fight over NOTHING

 

Yes it was over nothing. Literally nothing.

 

He called me really horrible names. He said he hates me and doesn't love me and called me the C word and crazy.

 

And yet he's yelling at you, swearing at you over nothing....

 

Like I said, he's 37 and I'm 25. Half of me thinks it's completely out of proportion and he's being immature and half of me just wants to fix it.

 

Stick with the first half of you, it knows what it's talking about.

 

He went though an awful divorce and she was craZy and he says I showed him true love in a way he's never felt,

 

So....he has a 'crazy' ex in his past, is now yelling and screaming at you over nothing. Yes it was nothing. And now calling you crazy? Have you by any chance heard of projection?

 

Here's my take on this and it's not pretty. This man has issues, really serious ones. The relationship is 6 months old, yep thats about the length of time someone with serious issues is able to keep up the love bombing, pretence that you are the love of their life and intentions to marry. Before the devaluation stage comes. As soon as commitment looms these people find any excuse to bring the entire relationship down and blame it all on you. It always happens over a minor tiff or 'nothing'. Don't be surprised if in a few weeks time he is once again dating the 'love of his life' who has 'never made him feel this way before'. Sorry, but this is a known pattern for people with attachment issues and personality disorders.

[SammySammy]

Reading some of your earlier threads, it seems that blowups like this are nothing new. I don't think these episodes are healthy for you or him. Both of you need better ways of expressing yourselves and handling differences.

[MidwestUSA]

I'll say one thing, this had nothing to do with his butt, or lack of.

 

When you hang in there with someone who has not one, but several, of your deal breakers, this is the end result. It was never going to work.

 

He just picked his time to end it. Sorry.

[ddlovexx]

Even when we have hard larger fights or disagreements, we've always worked through them. A couple months ago, I told him if he didn't cut down his drinking I would go. I even stayed home two nights in a row and kinda gave him the cold shoulder to protect myself. I was pretty serious about it and less invested. He came right back and fought for me, cut back to drinking some beers 1-2x a week, always including me and our friends and he very rarely overdoes it in a night. He takes me out more and does things I wAnt to do. He pushes me to be a better person and pursue the things I love. He has always fought for me and we've always grown and learned from our mistakes, promising and striving to be better for each other in the future.

 

This whole night has just been completely unlike him. I'm upset but have had a minute to think. I think he's just very angry about whatever it is and he needs space. In my opinion there isn't really a reason to end our relationship, it was a silly quarrel and not an unworkable threat as if one of us didn't want kids or wanted to move somewhere else, etc. Just earlier today he was talking about me moving in soon and I told him I wasn't ready but would think about it when my lease is up. Also, he hadn't been in a relationship for 8 months before we met so I don't think he's bouncing around like suspected above. (And according to our friends that girl didn't even have a key to his apartment.)

 

All in all, despite my pain, I know he loves me. He's never given me up before, we have the same circle of friends who love and support us, he's always proud to be with me and has always supported me, even at a point two months ago when I lost my job and my depression had peaked.

 

I think the best thing to do is give it space and when/if he eventually comes to me, we really talk. No more harsh words, learning to fight better. This is probably the biggest fight we've ever had which makes no sense because it was pretty much over nothing. I'm just trying to be strong, no contact etc but it's so tough. I can't sleep for the life of me...

[ExpatInItaly]

Take it from those of us a bit older and more experienced, who have been through it - he is displaying serious red flags. And you're making excuses for him and and backpedaling and justifying it. So what do you want to hear, exactly?

 

You say we're all so harsh, but girl, many of us have been where you are now. We aren't pulling this out of thin air. We can identify patterns of bad behaviour. I have an ex who sounds a lot like your guy. And it didn't end well at all. The sudden breakups out of nowhere? Guess who my ex ran to when he bailed on me? Yup, that "crazy" ex-girlfriend he supposedly had. (Whom I later met by chance and most certainly was not crazy) I would not be at all surprised to learn that your boyfriend's ex-wife wasn't the unstable one in that situation.

 

At 6 months, you're still learning about who he really is. You can't say this isn't like him because you don't know his entire personality yet. And he's showing you he has a very disturbing side. You're already in a toxic relationship.

 

He jumped at the chance to break up with you and didn't "fight to the death" for you. What does that tell you about his real level of commitment? Sorry but he is not the man you think he is and he is nowhere near as invested as you.

 

You can do a lot better.

[elaine567]

First it was the cigarettes, then it was the weed and the drink.

He has an addictive personality and whilst he may have pandered to your preferences somewhat at the start, 6 months on, he is less inclined to listen to you.

 

I think this is about him wanting to get back to who he really is, a cigarette smoking, weed addicted, alcoholic*, rather than the sanitised version you tried to turn him into.

 

I think here he used the excuse of the "butt" joke to turf you out of his life.

People get into fights all the time, they sometimes say horrible things but this man said he hates you and called you the C word, that was pure resentment talking, so whilst you may think it was just a little fight over nothing and that he is the "love of your life", I very much doubt he sees it and you in the same way deep down.

Sorry!

He needs someone who will put up with him warts and all and stay quiet when he goes out drinking and staying out all night, not someone who goes "crazy" over a few drinks in the bar.

I guess his "crazy" wife tried to sort out his addictions too.

As an addict, he wants an enabler not a saviour.

 

If there are "dealbreakers" at the start, then never assume you can change anyone. They are who they are, and once the "honeymoon" is over they tend to revert to type.

 

*alcoholic - "He is drinking every day, gets drunk maybe ever other day."

[katiegrl]

First it was the cigarettes, then it was the weed and the drink.

He has an addictive personality and whilst he may have pandered to your preferences somewhat at the start, 6 months on, he is less inclined to listen to you.

 

I think this is about him wanting to get back to who he really is, a cigarette smoking, weed addicted, alcoholic*, rather than the sanitised version you tried to turn him into.

 

I think here he used the excuse of the "butt" joke to turf you out of his life.

People get into fights all the time, they sometimes say horrible things but this man said he hates you and called you the C word, that was pure resentment talking, so whilst you may think it was just a little fight over nothing and that he is the "love of your life", I very much doubt he sees it and you in the same way deep down.

Sorry!

He needs someone who will put up with him warts and all and stay quiet when he goes out drinking and staying out all night, not someone who goes "crazy" over a few drinks in the bar.

I guess his "crazy" wife tried to sort out his addictions too.

As an addict, he wants an enabler not a saviour.

 

If there are "dealbreakers" at the start, then never assume you can change anyone. They are who they are, and once the "honeymoon" is over they tend to revert to type.

 

*alcoholic - "He is drinking every day, gets drunk maybe ever other day."

 

Agree with elaine, and the fact he kept screwing with her head, lied, cheated, and kept ditching her (two months in) but perhaps all that goes along with him being an alcoholic.

 

OP, this is not a stable relationship. You are in major denial if you think it is.

 

Get out and seek some therapy for yourself.

[Els]

Sorry, OP, but you are really better off without this douchebag. He doesn't even offer the absolute bare minimum of what most people would consider as a 'stable and loving' partner - no abuse. To add to that, he sounds incredibly inconsiderate and an addict.

 

You don't want to hear this, but you should try to move on from him. One day you will find a man who is a GENUINELY loving partner who won't pull this sort of crap with you. But you won't find that person as long as you stay with him.

[Zahara]

DD, I remember your stories. No sooner after ending an emotionally abusive relationship you attached yourself to this guy. And within 6 months you claim him to be the love of your life eventhough you posted a thread a couple of months into it that there were already dealbreakers for you. From your past thread, this guy sounds just like your ex -- there is this idealization that you place on these guys. You did the same thing with your previous ex -- claiming you never felt like how you felt about any man in your life even through the abuse, and now the same with this guy. Idealizing him and the relationship. I think you place them on such high pedestals, while you look from way down below, feeling like it's the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

You mentioned this behavior is so unlike him. Go back and read your other thread.

 

You've set a pattern for yourself -- you need to accept that this wasn't the love of your life and move on from, stay single for awhile so that you can get to a level of emotional and mental clarity. You jumped on this one even when you had dealbreakers early on because you were escaping from the pain of your ex. We make bad choices when leading with a broken heart.

 

Stay NC with this guy. He sounds no different from your ex. You deserve better rather than these men that keep kicking you out, yelling at you, calling you names -- I hope you see the pattern here. He is not that great.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Zahara

[katiegrl]

 

..... it's been so wonderful.

 

He's never ever made me feel unloved until this moment.

 

Given what went down previously with this d-bag and how it made you feel (horrible, like crap)... there is some major MAJOR denial going on here.

 

I am actually quite concerned for OP now.

 

ddlove, hope you will get some help and figure this out.

 

Best of luck.

[joseb]

Yeah sounds like he made up an excuse for a fight to end it. You are better off without him.

 

Start no contact with him.

 

Stay out of any relationships for a while.

 

When you do decide to go back to the dating game, take it slow - no "spending almost every night" at their place.

Be wary of guys who want this or otherwise try to love bomb.

 

But yes, first make sure you end this one.

 

Best of luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Given what went down previously with this d-bag and how it made you feel (horrible, like crap)... there is some major MAJOR denial going on here.

 

I am actually quite concerned for OP now.

 

ddlove, hope you will get some help and figure this out.

 

Best of luck.

 

I agree.

 

I just went back and read the previous thread from January. I didn't remember I'd participated in it.

 

OP, this man you describe as "the love of your life":

 

-has a drinking problem that he successfully hid from you for only a short time

 

-left you home alone in his house all hours wondering where he was to find out he'd been at bar

 

-lied about going to the store and instead went...wait for it...to a bar

 

-knows your dealbreakers aren't really dealbreakers

 

-changed the passcode on his phone

 

-had mystery penile discharge and gaslighted you into fearing you had caught an STI (did you ever get yourself tested?)

 

-calls you horrible names

 

-tells you he hates you

 

-kicks you out of his life over nothing

 

You simply cannot say you didn't see this coming. He's a total assclown and you've known this for a while. Seriously, I wouldn't give this ill-tempered, foul-mouthed, leaky peepee-having, alcoholic man-child the time of day. He sucks.

 

I strongly advise you to learn to love yourself more. That's the real issue at hand here. When you feel better about yourself and have improved self-esteems and strong boundaries, you won't allow turds like him into your life.

[Gaeta]

ExpatInItaly well said !

[stillafool]

Man sometimes the people on here are too harsh. He said it out of anger but I guess I should just give up since that's all everyone else on here has to say. Like I didn't spend 6 lovely months with this most wonderful man who has turned into a monster for a night and I'm confused.

 

There have been times I've been so angry I've said horrible things. So has my mom, and sister, and friends... That doesn't mean they meant it.

 

But Nevermind, I give up... What's the point anymore </3

 

Well if you really feel this way you don't need help here. You just need to talk to him about how you feel. For me, the C word would end this relationship but hey to each his own.

[Renae]

Leave him before.....

You marry him

Before you have children with him

Before your children see him treat you this way

Before you try to shield your children for years, but they get too old

Before you have todebate if leaving or staying is worse for your children

 

Because he can be the best husband, best father but sometimes he just loses it.

 

Leave him before you walk on eggshells for years because you never know when it's coming next. Because you never know when it's going to be. Things will be fine for months then out of nowhere something sets him off.

 

Leave him before you spend 10yrs with him, and you lose who you are. What you were before. You become angry, at him, resentful of your kids, and lost in the world.

 

He will do this again. Trust me I know. I wish I would have seen the signs, and walked away when I was just dating. Because it happened when we were dating do, but I just made excuses or waited it out. He always apologized. He always made up. He always came back. But it never changel for long.