ddlovexx Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hey there, So I've been dating this guy seriously for a bit over two months now. We got close relatively quick but comfortably. He's older and has been through a divorce a couple years back so he knows what he wants by now, doesn't play any games with me etc. He's really wonderful- sweet, funny, incredibly handsome, and very happy and proud to be my man. His friends love me, his family loves me, he's quickly becoming my best friend.... But he has some habits that are killing me. When we first met I found out he smoked cigs, maybe half a pack a day if that. Coming from a family half dead from it and the other half currently dying from it, I told him it was a deal breaker. It's also just very unattractive and gross. When we first started seeing each other, before we were even "together", he promised to quit... Before I would even be his gf. Fast forward a couple months later and he hasn't quit, says he's going to but doesn't. Socially smokes and does so when drinking, says that's is the reason but it's not like he's never going to drink again so I refuse to even take that as a valuable excuse. We've gotten into some fights about it. I try to be supportive and caring but it literally makes me sick to my stomach to watch him smoke a cigarette. I refuse to watch the man I love do it to himself while I watched most of my family die from it. But that's not only it. When we first started dating he didn't drink at all. Myself, I enjoy a glass or two of wine a night but only get drunk once in a while, say when I'm out with a bunch of friends or something. All of a sudden, he's drinking every night, and smoking weed. Every night. I'm not even against weed, I smoke occasionally. But it's not like once or twice a week for him, it's every night, sometimes more than once a day. He doesn't get mean or anything but he does turn into a somewhat different person, sometimes it almost feels like I'm not even there. I tried to talk to him about it but he just says that I can't tell him what to do, he's 37 and will do what he likes. I don't want to control him, but he talks about building a future together and how we are a team now and I feel like my opinion matters too. Otherwise he's very sweet and loving and does lots of nice things for me. He makes me laugh uncontrollably and makes me feel cared for and important daily. I just don't know what to do about these things because they are killing me. We can be having fun and then he goes out to smoke and I feel sick, or he'll get high and I'm so upset that I just want to go home.
mrldii Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You told him it was a deal-breaker; then, you decided - and proved - it wasn't. He's right - as a grown adult (i.e., someone over 18 years of age), he no longer has to allow someone else to tell him what he can and can not do. Either cigarette smoking is a deal-breaker or it's not; only you can decide. You've already proven to him that it's not really a deal-breaker, by "falling in love with him" and "becoming a team, together". Either make it the deal-breaker you claim it is and therefore break the deal or stop claiming it is one (in other words, stop bitching about it) and get all-in to the relationship. YOU don't get to have it both ways, all the while pretending it's him who's trying to have it both ways. Best of luck with the choice you make, OP... 4
frus69 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Take it or leave it, really , he wont change for you. Not sure what advice you are asking. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Well he did quit when we first got together for a couple days and then started again, said he would quit... Hasn't. Blegh. Ok then. I guess I shouldn't have posted, where's the compassion, sheesh...
CarrieT Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Blegh. Ok then. I guess I shouldn't have posted, where's the compassion, sheesh... What compassion? The other posters are right; you stated it was a deal-breaker but it obviously is not if you are still with him. He isn't going to change. You either accept him for who he is and what he does or you break-up with him. Not sure what else you are looking for... 4
mrldii Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Well he did quit when we first got together for a couple days and then started again, said he would quit... Hasn't. Blegh. Ok then. I guess I shouldn't have posted, where's the compassion, sheesh... I'm not sure where you got that there's a lack - or abundance - of "compassion" warranted, here. You claim - and say - certain things are a deal-breaker, but then you "fall in love" and become "a teammate" with someone who's doing the deal-breakers. Cigarette smoking is not OK, but he does it and you got with him. MJ smoking is OK (because you do it), but not too much or too often. Drinking, too, is OK (because you do it), but not every day...and when you DO drink "too much", it's *understandable*, because you're with friends and there's a *good* reason for it; when he does it, it's [again] too much and too often. The lines you've drawn in the sand are very wavy...and wash away each time the tide rolls in. But then, you draw them all over again...and wonder why they don't stick. Draw deeper and straighter lines...in a spot where they won't get washed away, each time the tide turns. 4
Woggle Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Smoking would be a deal breaker for me as well but I know trying to talk somebody out of it is a complete and utter exercise in futility. He will not quit until he truly is ready to quit. If this is a deal breaker then move on. 1
losangelena Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hey there, So I've been dating this guy seriously for a bit over two months now. We got close relatively quick but comfortably. He's older and has been through a divorce a couple years back so he knows what he wants by now, doesn't play any games with me etc. He's really wonderful- sweet, funny, incredibly handsome, and very happy and proud to be my man. His friends love me, his family loves me, he's quickly becoming my best friend.... But he has some habits that are killing me. When we first met I found out he smoked cigs, maybe half a pack a day if that. Coming from a family half dead from it and the other half currently dying from it, I told him it was a deal breaker. It's also just very unattractive and gross. When we first started seeing each other, before we were even "together", he promised to quit... Before I would even be his gf. Fast forward a couple months later and he hasn't quit, says he's going to but doesn't. Socially smokes and does so when drinking, says that's is the reason but it's not like he's never going to drink again so I refuse to even take that as a valuable excuse. We've gotten into some fights about it. I try to be supportive and caring but it literally makes me sick to my stomach to watch him smoke a cigarette. I refuse to watch the man I love do it to himself while I watched most of my family die from it. But that's not only it. When we first started dating he didn't drink at all. Myself, I enjoy a glass or two of wine a night but only get drunk once in a while, say when I'm out with a bunch of friends or something. All of a sudden, he's drinking every night, and smoking weed. Every night. I'm not even against weed, I smoke occasionally. But it's not like once or twice a week for him, it's every night, sometimes more than once a day. He doesn't get mean or anything but he does turn into a somewhat different person, sometimes it almost feels like I'm not even there. I tried to talk to him about it but he just says that I can't tell him what to do, he's 37 and will do what he likes. I don't want to control him, but he talks about building a future together and how we are a team now and I feel like my opinion matters too. Otherwise he's very sweet and loving and does lots of nice things for me. He makes me laugh uncontrollably and makes me feel cared for and important daily. I just don't know what to do about these things because they are killing me. We can be having fun and then he goes out to smoke and I feel sick, or he'll get high and I'm so upset that I just want to go home. OP, I think you're starting to see the REAL him as you spend more time together. If only being sweet, funny, handsome and proud added up to being good relationship material. No matter how much you like him or feel comfortable with him, you still have to put him through a vetting process. Where to begin, really? First, he's divorced. In and of itself, that doesn't have to be a big deal, but where you see someone who "knows what he wants," I wonder if he still doesn't have some baggage. I find it disturbing that his substance abuse has INCREASED while dating you. I feel as if in a healthy relationship, those things should be deceasing, generally, or at least staying the same, or that they're something you do together. It suggests to me that maybe he has problems with intimacy (not physical but emotional), since things like drugs, booze, food, porn, etc., can be ways of keeping yourself distant from others. I agree that you are probably not going to be able to change him, nor should he necessarily change FOR YOU. If he wants to quit, he needs to do it for himself, and not you or anyone else. I won't give you a hard time for not sticking with your dealbreakers, but that too is sending a message to him that he can cross whatever boundary he wants and you won't enforce it. That's a bad precedent to set. I did that, too, once. Years ago, when I was MUCH more conservative, I met a guy who I found out on our second date smoked weed. At that time in my life, I was against the idea of dating someone who smoked, told him that, left the decision up to him, and he came back to say he'd stop—for me. Well, we lasted two more month before a spectacular NYE blow-out break-up. I would say, stick to your guns. While it's nice to be with someone who can make you laugh uncontrollably and make you feel special, there are people out there who can do that who don't smoke or habitually use substances. There's something going on with him that nicotine and pot are standing in for, and if you have a problem with him doing those things, you don't really need to be around for it. Again, funny and handsome and caring are baseline—they don't make someone a good boyfriend, and you've describe enough other behaviors for me to think that this guy is probably not great longterm potential at this point. Maybe he COULD be, but not today and probably not with you. I say that with as much compassion as I can. This is a sucky situation—like, of course, this has to happen with someone you like so much—but, better to start figuring this stuff out at month two than at year two, right?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Your boundaries aren't strong enough. You told him these things are dealbreakers but they're not. He knows you don't like it, but also that he can continue doing what he's doing and you're still there. He also told you this is who he is. Believe him. I very much doubt he is going to change. Sorry. You can only decide whether not this is something that you will continue to accept.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Well he did quit when we first got together for a couple days and then started again, said he would quit... Hasn't. Blegh. Ok then. I guess I shouldn't have posted, where's the compassion, sheesh... Compassion is not all 'there there, dear, it's ok, don't worry, WE still love you....' Compassion doesn't necessarily mean agreement and cuddles... I'm sorry, but look at the very first thing you told us about him: Hey there, So I've been dating this guy seriously for a bit over two months now. We got close relatively quick but comfortably. He's older and has been through a divorce a couple years back so he knows what he wants by now, So...he's set in his ways, right? He has developed habits, and characteristics you were never party to, for all his life, bar 2 months of it! What right do you have to lay down dating conditions you expect him to adhere to - when even you can't keep YOUR word? He may not do what he said he would - but honey - neither do you.... When we first met I found out he smoked cigs, maybe half a pack a day if that. Coming from a family half dead from it and the other half currently dying from it, I told him it was a deal breaker. So what do you respect more? His habit, or your family history? You've made a choice.... ...Socially smokes and does so when drinking, says that's is the reason but it's not like he's never going to drink again so I refuse to even take that as a valuable excuse. But - you ARE. Actions speak louder than words. Why are you still with him if you 'refuse to even take it as a valuable excuse'...? We've gotten into some fights about it. I try to be supportive and caring but it literally makes me sick to my stomach to watch him smoke a cigarette. I refuse to watch the man I love do it to himself while I watched most of my family die from it. And yet, here you are, still dating him. Why ARE you still dating him? Because you hope he loves you enough to eventually do what you want? But that's not only it. When we first started dating he didn't drink at all. Myself, I enjoy a glass or two of wine a night but only get drunk once in a while, say when I'm out with a bunch of friends or something. All of a sudden, he's drinking every night, and smoking weed. Every night. I'm not even against weed, I smoke occasionally. But it's not like once or twice a week for him, it's every night, sometimes more than once a day. He doesn't get mean or anything but he does turn into a somewhat different person, sometimes it almost feels like I'm not even there. Oh so. it gets soooo much better..... I tried to talk to him about it but he just says that I can't tell him what to do, he's 37 and will do what he likes. He's absolutely, totally 100% right. I don't want to control him, Er....yes, you do.... but he talks about building a future together and how we are a team now and I feel like my opinion matters too. But it's not an opinion. It's a condition. An opinion is, "Personally, I'm not into smoking/drinking/taking pot as much as you do, I don't think I could do that..." A Condition is what you've been rowing about. Otherwise he's very sweet and loving and does lots of nice things for me. He makes me laugh uncontrollably and makes me feel cared for and important daily. I just don't know what to do about these things because they are killing me. No, they're not. They may well be doing that to him, but what he does, at his age, is his decision, not yours. "A Man convinced against his Will, is of the same opinion, still." We can be having fun and then he goes out to smoke and I feel sick, or he'll get high and I'm so upset that I just want to go home. I think that's your only option. But given that you won't take it... See, you're reacting to our responses, in exactly the same way he's reacting to you. You're digging your heels in and taking umbrage. Welcome to the other side of the fence.... Edited January 8, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 5
TheArtist Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 and smoking weed. Every night. I'm not even against weed, I smoke occasionally. I find this bit a little hypocritical. You don't want him to do it but you do it yourself occasionally? That's hardly putting your foot down on the matter is it? 1
basil67 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You've only been together for two months. You're just getting to know each other. And this early on, he shouldn't be giving your opinions any credence. If you don't like his choices, then leave. This early in a relationship, it really is this simple. 1
introverted1 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 It's been 2 months. The point of dating is to find out if you are compatible, not to try to change each other into an ideal. You're learning that this guy has habits that are deal-breakers for you (current waffling notwithstanding). This is why you don't make decisions about being a life-long team just 2 months in. He is who he is and you are who you are. Trying to change him is futile and unfair. Are you compatible? Only you can say. 2
ManyDissapoint Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Ask him if he wants to quit and if he wants some help. Recommend getting him a nice vape kit. For $50 you can get something really nice. While there are still studies being done, anecdotally vaping is vastly safer than cigarettes. The aroma is also pleasant to most people, and you can smoke flavors anything from cookies, fruit, or even ones that mimic tobacco. There is no more stinkiness, no more wheezing, and the way you feel is night and day. By getting rid of the cigarettes, it has allowed me to make other healthy choices like getting back into athletics and cutting booze. If you love this guy try to help him. Don't do it in a passive aggressive way, but say that you heard that vaping is more enjoyable than cigarettes to many smokers (it is) and he might like it. You can research it together.
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I tried to talk to him about it but he just says that I can't tell him what to do, he's 37 and will do what he likes Dating is about finding someone we are compatible with. That's what's happening here. You are discovering a smoker, heavy drinker and a pot-head. You're just 2 months in, end it. At your age you should not settle down with an old hippie. 4
Versacehottie Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You told him it was a deal-breaker; then, you decided - and proved - it wasn't. He's right - as a grown adult (i.e., someone over 18 years of age), he no longer has to allow someone else to tell him what he can and can not do. Either cigarette smoking is a deal-breaker or it's not; only you can decide. You've already proven to him that it's not really a deal-breaker, by "falling in love with him" and "becoming a team, together". Either make it the deal-breaker you claim it is and therefore break the deal or stop claiming it is one (in other words, stop bitching about it) and get all-in to the relationship. YOU don't get to have it both ways, all the while pretending it's him who's trying to have it both ways. Best of luck with the choice you make, OP... GREAT POST!!! yeah OP sounds like you want it both ways. You said you wouldn't be his gf if he did those things. You became his gf and he does those things and more. Be the you you said you would and walk away. He has no reason to change when he is getting both the things he wants. Don't act like you are trapped because you BECAME his gf. What you said at outset can still stand, and you can take away your gf status because he is not turning out to be the person he showed you he was. I think you should. In spite of what you said all the great things he is, I think he's exhibiting some serious red flags not only with substance and tobacco use (that he seemingly HID from you to win you. blech) but also with the way he has spoken to you regarding it. Sounds very dismissive, like deal with it, b*tch. I don't think you want to sign up for taking care of a guy with lung cancer who treats you badly, do you? It doesn't seem like he treats you that well despite what you said. At first when I thought you were just going to say he hasn't or can't quit smoking it's a different matter to help him through it. But what about all the other stuff. Sounds more like he quit, reduced or hid the negative things about himself for a couple months to win you over and now is right back to them. I'm nervous for you. Think long and hard. Oh and no point in nagging anymore--the choice is really yours now as was said above. Good luck
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 He hid it from you obviously because he knows the majority of women will not date him for those reasons. You can tell him "sure you can do what you want.....alone, without me, bubbye".
GemmaUK Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I don't get it really OP? The things which you say are deal breakers seem to not be deal breakers as you have continued seeing him? Honestly, now, I would rather date a smoker who got into vaping instead of smoking than someone who needs a drink every night. Someone who smokes weed I would not tolerate at all.
xcupid Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 OP your story got worse as you told it. If they're deal breakers to you then you act upon them. Sounds like he has several real issues that need to be addressed - possibly with the help of a qualified professional - and only he can do that once he admits he has a problem.
Author ddlovexx Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 So I've been dating this guy a couple months. All in all and in a nutshell, its been very wonderful and we love each other, get along well and have been talking and planning about eh future, etc etc. He got divorced a couple years ago and I'm one of the more serious relationships he's had since. A couple of his friends say they haven't seen him be this way with a woman in a while. Recently things have gotten off track. He is drinking every day, gets drunk maybe ever other day. Now, I like to come home from work and unwind with some wine too, but I don't get drunk very often unless we're out with friends or something. This is the 5th night now that he has told me he would have a drink or two with a pal and be home at 6. He'll text me and tell me to come over and then he's not home. Then he says he'll be home soon and "soon" turns into 5-6+ hours later and he barely answers me and when I express how upset I am and won't stand for this, he just replies "relax I'll be home later". The third time this happened, I told him if it happened again that would be the end. It's not the going out with his friends that bothers me, it's the lying and the lack of respect and concern when you said you'd be otw home to me many hours ago. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of hurting. He is 37... Not 24. I told him "hey, go have a guys night and I'll see you tomorrow" but he insists that he's coming home and then doesn't. Texts me that he's leaving but then doesn't. And I'm sitting waiting like an *******. He can have all the fun he wants but don't lie to me about the timeline. He can leave the bar anytime he wants, nobody tied his hands behind his back. I told him to keep his word or just tell me he's having a guys night... It's really simple. He did it tonight. AND THEN came home, apologized, and left AGAIN to the "store" but actually went to the bar. I'm in his bed at 2am just so distraught... What a joke. Im hurting but I think it's probably best to break up with him. He texted saying "baby relax we have the rest of our lives to be together" but he doesn't seem to get the point. He's not here when I need him, everytime I'm upset or trying to tell him how messed up this is, he chooses to stay at the bar. I really love him and for the first time in a while met someone that I thought I would build a future with but I just can't keep doing this. I feel disrespected, abandoned, like my feelings don't matter. I can't leave his place bc were in the middle of a snowstorm but I just can't do this. I don't feel like I'm a priority and after growing up with alcoholic parents, I'm beginning to think he has the same problem. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, etc etc but his actions are suddenly starting to prove otherwise. Is honesty and making me a priority so difficult? Am I in the wrong?
guest569 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 You're not in the wrong at all. You've expressed that he has hurt you and keeps lying or stuffing you around and instead of apologizing and being decent, he tells you "relax babe". I think you are right about ending it
basil67 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Sweetie, it's only been a couple of months with him. I know it feels like love, but truly it's still at the infatuation stage. I'm an Aussie and we drink way more than some countries, but even I will say that he has an alcohol abuse problem. He's showing you very clearly who he is - it's time to TAKE NOTICE. Exit stage left is my advice. 4
Author ddlovexx Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 Thanks guys. I've been in much longer relationships and not felt the way I do about him... But I guess it doesn't matter if this is what it's coming to.
almond Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 He did it tonight. AND THEN came home, apologized, and left AGAIN to the "store" but actually went to the bar. I'm in his bed at 2am just so distraught... What a joke. What a joke indeed - this is actually very abnormal behaviour. This guy is either a total jerk, or he's mentally ill. You've only been with him for a few weeks...run for the hills. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 It's been a little over three months and he started doing this just a couple weeks ago. He's done no literal harm to me and has never yelled or even been mean during a fight... I think he's either immature or has some alcohol issues or both. He wasn't even drinking when we first started dating. Started up last month and hasn't gone a day without a beer since... Sometimes when you really care for someone, I guess you ignore some signs or just hope it will change.
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