After 4 long years...

[13Hearts]

I get so frustrated with the emotions that seem to just pop up and slap you in the face. I sit here and feel such an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection, even though I know when it ended it was the best thing for me. I think what is so difficult about xMM showing up again and agin is that it opens up the emotions each time. I don't want to be with him and I want to live a life that is happy and healthy, but his reappearance just brings back all of the negative thoughts. My mind goes back to is he thinking about me, is he miserable, I want him to be miserable, why was I not enough, maybe we can just be friends and it still work.

 

This is the part that I hate about all of this. I know the answers to all of those questions, but my mind is just working overtime this afternoon. I want to just blow up his "happy" little world, but that is more to make me feel good and hurt him.

 

Hopefully he will take me at my word about contacting his wife and this will be at the last time. This cycle is killing me!

I don't think telling his wife is what you need, or want, to do. I don't think seeing him hurting like you do is what you need, or want, either. I think your issue is you. And your vulnerabilities. And that you want a healthy relationship with someone but are not quite sure what that looks like.

 

Healthy relationships start with healthy people. Your focus needs to be on you. I recommend you find a good counselor or therapist who can help you grow your self, and grow your strength, making you less vulnerable to guys like this, and more sure of what it is, exactly, you want.

 

This guy is not your problem. You keep opening up the door every time he knocks, NOT because you want him, but because of the feelings about yourself you want him to reflect back to you. What time you have wasted with him, and what time you will waste focused on any man or any relationship, is time you should be devoting to YOU. Pretend you are your own child, and direct that child to grow herself.

 

Stop reading his emails, answering his phone calls, or replying in any way to him. He does not want to be your friend for ANY reason other than to promote and ensure his OWN self interests. And he is preying on your vulnerabilities to do so. You have dodged a bullet here. Are you going to miss this opportunity you have to get to know yourself better?

[hello214]

Wow wow insidemymind02, my story is exactly the same almost.. it got to a point that i was feeling affected by the small comments he would mention abt family, & just felt he was manipulating all around, getting both me & his family and disrespecting me & not being fair to me by emotionally keeping me hostage.. finally i firmly cut him off andots now been 3 weeks the d** hasnt come back yet.. previous times he would return in a matter of 3 days.. i felt disrespected, as if my time i wasted, i too, like u, am wanting him to suffer or somehow feel bad.. not only that, i developed a dislike for the family overall for being messed up

 

 

i was curious to know:

 

1) when you say his " true character" came out n u had to again And again cut him off, what is this true character he revealed?

 

2) do u ever feel like u want his family to know what this guy was upto? its unfair, how they took our time, yet went home to their families n spent a happy time

 

3) even though u say u want NC, do u still deep down wish he contacted or spoke to u? if so, has this feeling gotten better overtime?

[Satu]

Well that just SUCKS!

 

Yes, you're right. It does.

[insidemymind02]

13Hearts

 

I did a lot of investment in myself at the end of the situation and the year following. I know that I needed to work on me and I still continue to do so. I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with a smile on my face because I have a life that I am happy with and am doing things that are happy and healthy for me. I think the out of the blue contact just kind of sucks the life out of me for a bit, but now it is much easier for me to just move on.

 

I know that I don't want to tell his wife, I know that I just want to be gone. I have been able to move him out of my life except for when he shows back up in it. This time, I felt it was healthiest for me to state a hard limit to try and stop all communication. Like I stated in a previous thread I am very good at hitting delete and ignoring. He caught me in a moment where I was not feeling well this weekend and I just wanted it all to end so I got caught up in my emotions of it.

 

I am a constant project that I am working on bettering and I know that he does not have a place in my life. I appreciate your comments because they are another reminder that I am the one that I need to continue to focus on in this situation.

[Satu]

I get so frustrated with the emotions that seem to just pop up and slap you in the face. I sit here and feel such an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection, even though I know when it ended it was the best thing for me. I think what is so difficult about xMM showing up again and agin is that it opens up the emotions each time. *I don't want to be with him and I want to live a life that is happy and healthy, but his reappearance just brings back all of the negative thoughts. My mind goes back to is he thinking about me, is he miserable, I want him to be miserable, why was I not enough, maybe we can just be friends and it still work.

 

This is the part that I hate about all of this. I know the answers to all of those questions, but my mind is just working overtime this afternoon. I want to just blow up his "happy" little world, but that is more to make me feel good and hurt him.

 

Hopefully he will take me at my word about contacting his wife and this will be at the last time. This cycle is killing me!

 

What I'm hearing is the fact that your needs are not being met.

 

He definitely can't fulfil your need for "a life that is happy and healthy." In fact, he makes it almost impossible for you to create that in your life.

 

It is possible for you to get your needs met in a healthy way, but unfortunately, every time you build a new sandcastle, he pops up and kicks it over...

 

As long as that keeps happening, he keeps you in a disempowered place.

 

You know exactly what you have to do.

 

Do it.

 

 

Take care.

[insidemymind02]

Wow wow insidemymind02, my story is exactly the same almost.. it got to a point that i was feeling affected by the small comments he would mention abt family, & just felt he was manipulating all around, getting both me & his family and disrespecting me & not being fair to me by emotionally keeping me hostage.. finally i firmly cut him off andots now been 3 weeks the d** hasnt come back yet.. previous times he would return in a matter of 3 days.. i felt disrespected, as if my time i wasted, i too, like u, am wanting him to suffer or somehow feel bad.. not only that, i developed a dislike for the family overall for being messed up

 

 

i was curious to know:

 

1) when you say his " true character" came out n u had to again And again cut him off, what is this true character he revealed?

I was able to see in reality that he is a selfish man. He speaks of so many things about friendship, but none of his actions matched it. He never spoke about his family to me, it was like it never existed, even when he was contacting me from the hospital the evening his first child was born. That was when I started to see how crazy everything really was in my head. I think that he is has developed a pattern of using people to fill voids in his life that he does not know how to fill on his own. I told him at one point that I seriously thought he needed to seek help because he has so many issues that he doesn't know what happy and healthy feel like ( I realize that was the pot calling the kettle black in this situation).

 

 

2) do u ever feel like u want his family to know what this guy was upto? its unfair, how they took our time, yet went home to their families n spent a happy time

In some ways I wanted to blow up his world, but I also knew that would involve blowing up my world and I didn't want to get involved in that situation after I spent so much time working on me. I told him I would contact his wife if he reached out to me again, and I know that I will have to do that or he will know that he can always just worm his way back in one way or the other. So it looks like I may have to put my money where my mouth is this time.

 

3) even though u say u want NC, do u still deep down wish he contacted or spoke to u? if so, has this feeling gotten better overtime?

Since this has been going on for close to 4 years and we cycle through it about each 4-6 months where he finds a way to reach out to me, I know for me NC is the best. I don't have to think about him contacting me and I lost any desire to have communication with him. At the very beginning I would take the bait and communicate with him, but would feel awful and just have an ache each time we talked. I decided that I didn't want that anymore so I just made my mind up that I was done. He may not be done, but I was done. I have not initiated any type of communication with him in 3 years and for the most part delete and ignore any attempts that he makes to me. Just was in a weird place this weekend and ended up responding, which I regret. So I started my NC count all over again and I am on day 4. I woke up happy this morning and know that I made the right decision.

 

In your situation this is all very new, I remember those days and how miserable I was. I had one person that knew the situation and I didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of their friendship. This site is good for being able to talk openly. I worked to keep myself busy, I realized that I liked refurbishing furniture (it was a very physical activity) and I went to counseling to work on me. Hang in there, it gets better.... I promise

[insidemymind02]

What I'm hearing is the fact that your needs are not being met.

 

He definitely can't fulfil your need for "a life that is happy and healthy." In fact, he makes it almost impossible for you to create that in your life.

 

It is possible for you to get your needs met in a healthy way, but unfortunately, every time you build a new sandcastle, he pops up and kicks it over...

 

As long as that keeps happening, he keeps you in a disempowered place.

 

You know exactly what you have to do.

 

Do it.

 

 

Take care.

 

I know it... I am back on the saddle doing it. I just wish he would ride that horse over to some other beach and kick over someone else's sandcastle. Not really, but leave me alone. :-)

[13Hearts]

13Hearts

 

I did a lot of investment in myself at the end of the situation and the year following. I know that I needed to work on me and I still continue to do so. I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with a smile on my face because I have a life that I am happy with and am doing things that are happy and healthy for me. I think the out of the blue contact just kind of sucks the life out of me for a bit, but now it is much easier for me to just move on.

 

I know that I don't want to tell his wife, I know that I just want to be gone. I have been able to move him out of my life except for when he shows back up in it. This time, I felt it was healthiest for me to state a hard limit to try and stop all communication. Like I stated in a previous thread I am very good at hitting delete and ignoring. He caught me in a moment where I was not feeling well this weekend and I just wanted it all to end so I got caught up in my emotions of it.

 

I am a constant project that I am working on bettering and I know that he does not have a place in my life. I appreciate your comments because they are another reminder that I am the one that I need to continue to focus on in this situation.

Yes!! And he (like most men I have been in a relationship with) will continue to try to keep your emotional energy on him, because that's what keeps you involved in his crappy life. Ew. It's weird because I've found they're like children. They constantly want your attention, your affections, and all your energy on THEM, no matter what they do, or how they act. Like, "nevermind I'm married and living with my wife and children, devote yourself to me!" WTH?

 

I'm so glad you are focusing on YOU and not him!

[Satu]

Yes!! And he (like most men I have been in a relationship with) will continue to try to keep your emotional energy on him, because that's what keeps you involved in his crappy life. Ew. It's weird because I've found they're like children. They constantly want your attention, your affections, and all your energy on THEM, no matter what they do, or how they act. Like, "nevermind I'm married and living with my wife and children, devote yourself to me!" WTH?

 

*I'm so glad you are focusing on YOU and not him!

 

*Thats the key!

[hello214]

OP, i understand you are peaceful without him in your life, correct? As i said, my situation is similar, i said NC and although i dont want him to again talk to me and go in cycles and get into the same emotional mess, i get sharp pangs of pain because i miss him.. i remember the times.. esp we work at the same company so its torture, daily sitting at my seat where he used to come, having lunch etc.. its so painful and i do miss it.. wat about you? do u miss him and feel sad? how do u get over that.

[insidemymind02]

Yes!! And he (like most men I have been in a relationship with) will continue to try to keep your emotional energy on him, because that's what keeps you involved in his crappy life. Ew. It's weird because I've found they're like children. They constantly want your attention, your affections, and all your energy on THEM, no matter what they do, or how they act. Like, "nevermind I'm married and living with my wife and children, devote yourself to me!" WTH?

 

I'm so glad you are focusing on YOU and not him!

 

I learned that was the only way that I could continue to be happy and healthy. I had to walk away and not worry about him. Do I do it 100% of the time? No, but I have gotten much better. I wish that I would not have thrown out the ultimatum because I will have to follow through with it or he will think he will always be able to get back in.

 

Thanks so much!

[insidemymind02]

OP, i understand you are peaceful without him in your life, correct? As i said, my situation is similar, i said NC and although i dont want him to again talk to me and go in cycles and get into the same emotional mess, i get sharp pangs of pain because i miss him.. i remember the times.. esp we work at the same company so its torture, daily sitting at my seat where he used to come, having lunch etc.. its so painful and i do miss it.. wat about you? do u miss him and feel sad? how do u get over that.

 

I did miss him and it was painful. My life became so quiet after the DDay. He was able to tell enough lies that she doesn't think he had a PA, just an EA. I was super angry about that at the beginning.

 

Are there times where I still think about him and miss him? Yes there are, but I also know that what I miss was something that was created and not the person. I wouldn't be here writing to this virtual group if I was 100% over him.I took a lot of time to work on me. Some days I had to take it minute by minute and others were not so bad. There are trigger days that still get me and I know that those are less and don't hurt as much. It's a process.... I am 4 years into my journey and am still working on it.

 

Don't beat yourself up, love and forgive your self (that was very difficult for me), and know that better days are ahead.

[hello214]

wow, i have the same frustration, that at home he really manipulates his wife and kids to think he was just a friend & colleague, when on the other hand, here he was expecting my affection n couldnt even intro me to his kids as a " friend".. it makes me so angry this is exactly why i want the family to know i threw his friendship away. you mentioned u were angry too that he lied to wife, how did that subside in u?