Ex OW here, got back together with (ex)MM after his divorce. Problems persist.

[SoleMate]

Excellent post from minimariah at 6:46 am. Lots of insight for you, OP.

 

Also........I recommend doing whatever you can mentally/emotionally to break out of this triangle mentality, where you focus so intensely and with such hostility on the ex-BW. It seems most or all the info you have about her comes through HIM, and we all know he lies when he needs to, to make his path smoother. Lots of the ex-BW supposed bad behavior might be exaggerations or outright lies that he's telling you, to take the heat of your jealous anger off of him. That's the triangle pattern....you and ex-MM in conflict, each of you trying hard to point at the ex-BW as causing the problems between you two. But as an objective outsider, I'd have to say, I don't really see any objective, practical problems the ex-BW has caused. If she did any of the following:

 

* Refused to honor the custody agreement (in a major way, not a 20 minute glitch)

* Filed numerous meritless and harassing motions in family court

* Personally and directly harassed you, the new woman, by phone, text, email, or in person

* Vandalized property

* Mistreated the son

* Stolen money

* etc.

 

and the above was verified by an independent source, then yes, I would say it's bad behavior. To be addressed by legal means.

 

But the stuff you're talking about? Like:

1. Your "gut feeling" that she "refuses to work full time and pull her own weight, and is now asking for a sizable alimony through her lawyer (on top of generous child support and payment for his son's private school)"

--> No need to get worked up over your supposition about the behavior of a 3rd party

2. (Supposedly) having a 2-way street yelling match with ex-WH

--> Takes two to do this. Either party could have walked away. No need to blame her more than him. And it's between the two of them anyway

3. (Supposedly) "playing hardball. She's demanding all that she can get through her lawyer"

--> It's normal and natural for adults unwinding contractual relationships to negotiate based on maximizing their legally-permitted outcome. I would expect both parties to do so

 

Maybe just stop thinking about her. Stop giving her head space. Just focus on the man in front of you, and don't allow him to use her (supposed) behavior as any kind of excuse for his own independent actions.

Edited January 22, 2016 by SoleMate
typo

[anika99]

I don't think anyone said you need to stay out of their divorce because of the affair, I think they say you need to stay out their divorce because it's their divorce, not yours.

 

Personally I think you have good reason to be insecure. I took a look at your other threads last night and I see so many red flags with your boyfriend. He lied to you about being separated, and not just for a few days or weeks either, for six months he lied and made you unknowingly the OW. He lied to you about how many times he has been married. I don't know if you ever said how many wives he has had but it sounded like multiple wives, maybe 3 or more. And now you say his problem is that he is too kind for his own good? No that is not his problem. His problem is that he has a toxic history with women, he is conflict avoidant which is why he cheated his way out of this marriage and likely why his prior marriages failed. He tells lies to serve himself and he is not trustworthy. So I can see lots of reasons for your massive insecurity but I think your pinning it all on the exwife when it really isnt' about her.

 

When I met my ex he had an 11 yr old son with a woman he lived with for 5 yrs. I completely minded my own business when it came to how he dealt with his ex and the mother of his son. Not only did he pay child support but sometimes she needed assistance with other problems and she would turn to him. Like once she needed a ride to the airport. Her boyfriend was supposed to take her but he got drunk instead and left her without a ride at the last minute so she called my ex and he immediately went. When she had car trouble or needed advice about buying a new vehicle she turned to my ex because he was good with cars and had a lot of knowledge. There were other little things here and there that he would do for her because she was the mother of her son and he wanted his son to have a happy home and a happy mom. It never once occurred to me that he shouldn't do that, as a matter of fact his generous attitude towards her only made me love him more. Perhaps because I myself was a single mom and I knew it was a struggle to be alone with kids and also because my kid's dad also would sporadically help us or do things for me from time to time. He wasn't consistent or dependable but he tried.

 

So I don't understand jealousy and insecurity that is so rabid that the man can't even set foot in his exwifes apartment. That is an insecurity that is borne of being an OW I think. I have seen other stories from OW who have become absolute control freaks when it comes to any and all interaction with the BW. I don't think relationships that start openly and honestly have that same sort of insecurity surrounding an exwife.

 

I really do think you need to stay completely out of the details of his alimony and child support. I think part of the problem is that when he gets into fights with his ex he comes home and tells you all about it. He gets upset and then because he doesn't know how to cope with his own problems he comes home and burdens you with this crap. If I were you I would tell him to stop talking to you about it and handle it himself. Every time he wants to b*tch and moan about his ex just tell him you don't want to hear about it.

[Ms. Faust]

I am sorry it is affecting you mentally, OP, but it is still none of your business.

 

If he wants to give her a generous amount from the house sale + alimony for x amount of time that is his decision. His divorce, his aftermath. You can be supportive and show empathy, but other than that you need to back off.

 

He is a grown man and you need to start treating him like one. If he chooses to allow his ex wife to use him as a crutch then that is what you will have to contend with. You can tell him enough is enough and set your own boundaries, but getting involved with the schematics of his divorce agreement is crossing the line. You should NOT be holding his hand at the lawyer's office.

 

He already said he wants to pay her alimony. Let him. His money, his ex wife, his divorce, his choice.

 

This has nothing to do with you being an OW and everything to do with this is his divorce. Be supportive, but back off.

[whatatangledweb]

You have to understand that in rare cases it can go on for years. My MIL took my FIL back and forth to court for more alimony for seven years . He would make more money and back they would go. The only reason she stopped is because she had to pay a retainer up front, which her father would pay, then my FIL would be made to repay. Her father died so there was no way for her to get a lawyer.

 

Both of them had lawyers and the lawyer fees were huge.

 

That being said my MIL did deserve alimony, She moved all over the world for his career while raising four kids. She was wrong to continue the fight.

[MissBee]

Ok, thank you all for your responses. I feel the need to clarify a few things here and provide additional information.

 

1. Child support. I never claimed that it is unreasonable OR that their son shouldn't be attending private school. I'm glad he is, the school is excellent and the kid is thriving and doing extremely well. It should stay that way. When it comes to his son, I definitely stay out of SO's way and let him handle everything. And for the record, as I wrote in the OP, they only had one son, who is now 11 (not two children, not 6 years old...). I met him a year ago and we currently have an amiable relationship. He is a wonderful kid with a huge heart, and he deserves nothing but the best in life.

 

2. Alimony & why I chose to get involved this time. First of all, the lies I mentioned in OP were two - he didn't tell me he was still living with his wife for the first 6 months or so of our relationship, and it was easy to hide since we were living in different countries. In addition, he told me he filed the papers for divorce when in fact he did not. I didn't want to get involved in his divorce because I felt like it wasn't my place, so I took his word for it and did not inquire further. Once I found out he was not actually "separated" when we started the relationship, and that he did not even file for divorce yet, I left him.

 

I took him back after he was divorced, under the condition that he stops enabling his ex. Now, I don't know what exactly went on during their marriage and how they negotiated things. I only know what I witnessed and heard from SO. She was working before they had their son and earned enough to support herself. They first agreed she would get a job when kiddo enters kindergarten, she did not, then they said when he enters school, no job again. According to SO, her refusal to pitch in financially and get a job was a constant source of conflict in their marriage. She only got a part-time job after the divorce. However, the conflict lives on. She keeps on asking for more. The conflict manifests itself in screaming matches between them, hostile emails, and the ex playing hardball and going through her lawyer to get as much alimony as possible - beyond what would be reasonable. Last screaming match was about two weeks ago, in public, on the street of her apartment, in front of their son.

 

Now, I'm all for "letting him handle it on his own", and I've been staying back, but enough is enough. This is affecting MY life and MY future too. I'm not just the OW anymore, I'm his partner. The idea that I should stay out of it because we had an affair, is in my opinion, not helpful at all. What happened happened, a lot of people got badly hurt by the situation, but in the end, you can't change the past. We chose to continue our relationship, and there has to be a point when we move on from the affair into a normal relationship. SO was extremely distraught by ex's increasing demands, which would more or less financially ruin him. That is, in my opinion, unreasonable, especially since the ex has no health issues that would prevent her from working. We are also not living in an area where there are no jobs - yes, the economy is difficult, but jobs do exist - she is just not applying for them. Kid spends 8 hours in school, which is walking distance from their home, in addition, her family lives in the same area too. Do you really mean to tell me she should be given a pass just because she gave birth to one child and her husband had an affair? Dos he really need to apologize to her forever and act accordingly? And yes, he feels very guilty about everything, so he acts out of guilt, and will stay passive until there is enough external pressure to change the status quo. He's very conflict avoidant and too kind for his own good. As I said, SO is feeling quite devastated about the whole situation, and told me that he has no idea what to do. I'm upset that this is a reoccurring issue, and the toxicity of it affects our relationship.

 

SO did not have a lawyer, so after I shared my concerns and feelings with him, he realized that getting one is essential. There is no reasoning with her, and they seem to be incapable to work it out among themselves (screaming arguments in the street). I wanted to come to the lawyer because I wanted to know what exactly I'm dealing with here - all the legal documents are in a language that I don't speak, and SO is not very savvy with legal system (also, history of lies, so trust, but verify). He negotiated with the lawyer, I sat back and listened. The reason why I'm concerned about him giving into paying more alimony is because I see a pattern here of her always asking for more, and it's a boundaries issue. Just because they were married once and have a child does not mean that he needs to continue participating in dysfunction with this person. Since they can't be civil, it's best that they stay in low contact, at least until she heals and moves forward too - if that happens. I know he had a life before me, and that is fine, but he also has a future with me. Living in the shadow of his past is no good for anyone.

 

3. All in all, this thread helped me realize that it's not as bad as it was in my head. Yes, some of the past dynamic persists, it's hard to move past it but I'm working on it. Hence asking for help. So thanks to those who constructively contributed.

 

 

ElectricTangerine,

 

There seems to be a lot of issues here that will not mysteriously disappear because he is now with you. The main issues I'm seeing are 1)the trust issues, because he lied to you for 6 months of your relationship, you now still not trusting him about the lawyer, so needing to be there, because of the trust issues 2)his own issues about being conflict avoidant and passive etc. which are reasons for the lies in the first place and also why he cannot handle things well with his wife. You can't really control these issues he has, so you need to take a hard look at whether or not if this is his mode of operation if it works for you or not. You're not married to him yet, so you still have time to really decide if you want to sign up for this.

 

Ex-wife aside, how do you think these things will later affect you? How he is dealing with his ex wife is merely a symptom of his own ways of dealing with things in general and your feelings about lots of other things are tied to his poor coping skills and his lies that made you not trust him....it seems like to have a productive relationship you both should probably seek couple's counseling (as well as perhaps individual) in order to work on these things, because they are not truly about the ex-wife, but all about him, his behavior and you needing to micromanage him because you don't trust him to behave responsibly.

 

This isn't just a problem of the former affair IMO, but a real problem that can make or break any relationship. The thing is that sometimes after people get together after an A, they feel like they HAVE to stay so it's "worth it" for all the damage it caused, unfortunately, this isn't true. Sometimes the OW and MM also don't need to be together in the end and it's something you should at least be willing to consider. What I mean is that, if these are this man's issues, are you willing to put yourself through them for however long? Is it worth it? Will you hold on for dear life if nothing changes in terms of how he chooses to handle things? Are you willing to micromanage him for all your life? I think you're better off focusing on how to handle this better as a couple and also realizing he has some issues that you cannot fix, neither could his ex-wife, and if he's not willing to work on them (in counseling for example) then you two will be in for a bumpy ride, as people who are conflict avoidant etc. have learned this as their DEFAULT so they do not simply transform because of being in a new relationship...no....that is how they are and when problems come up with you too (as they will in ALL relationships), if they haven't actively addressed that tendency and did the work to act differently, they will simply lie and avoid and continue the same pattern regardless of who they're with. So focus on fixing those deeper issues instead of just on the symptoms, as even if the ex-wife vanishes, he is still him and he will behave the same when any other conflict arises and your trust issues will still exist because his 6 months of lies won't be erased because of his divorce.

Edited January 22, 2016 by MissBee

[sandylee1]

If the private school fees were not an issues why did you mention it? It seems that you don't like the amount he has to spend on his son and ex wife.

 

I also read a couple of your older threads and it's clear you'd rather she was invisible andthe only conversations they have are about their son. I imagine that if the marriage ended on a bitter note and they hated each other ..then that probablybe the case. Here... I think there will always be an element of them caring about each other as former spouses.

 

This is what we call 'baggage'.

[cocorico]

 

I know there are some people here who made it work with MMs after all. Divorce, the whole nine yards. To you I ask:

 

- How did you deal with your SO getting over the divorce and the ex wife while you were in a relationship?

 

- How long did it take him/her?

 

- What should I do?

 

To everyone else reading this... The last question applies as well. What should I do? Any input, comment, anything is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance and big hug to you all!

 

tl;dr: started out as an affair, he lied, I found out, I broke up with him, went NC. Dude actually divorced. Took him back, was very happy, but lately thinking I maybe just had my head buried in the sand. He might still not be completely over his ex and marriage and I am heartbroken, again. Please help.

 

My H was initially very, very angry with his xBW. It wasn't passion, or love, or any of the things you fear - it was anger. It took him a while to work through it - during the D all of her email was autoforwarding to me so I could triage it - forward relevant stuff to his lawyer; forward anything he needed to know to him; bin the venom (the bulk of it). That helped. As did having a great lawyer.

 

Dealing with the xW sadly didn't go away in a hurry. Although there was no reason for any contact - the kids were with us, and when they went to see her they dealt with her directly - she did her damndest to provoke. All it achieved was destroy her R with her kids, ultimately, and convince him that he *really* made the right decisions in dumping her.

 

In your position, I'd be concerned about your lack of trust in the R. Him lying to you in the beginning wasn't a good start, and you need to recover from that. I'd recommend couples counselling for you to work through the transition.

[Lady2163]

I didn't read all the responses. I was getting too wound up.

 

When you divorce and choose to enter another serious relationship, you need to put your new partner first. Period. Hopefully you remain civil with your ex, but no way are you overly cordial or friendly. His/her crises may cause you stress, but your function, since you chose a new person, is to not cater to an exes whims. Which sounds like this man is doing. Your SO could possibly have to do a lot of on his feet thinking. If she can't get him to cater to her, she will probably get the child to inadvertently make the catering happen.

 

People divorce for a reason. The love that should be there just isn't. There is a way to be cordial, and yet not make the other person an emotional priority.

 

Yes, you may be a bit hypersensitive and quick to be jealous. No matter how convinced you are that your relationship is solid, because you know him to be a cheater, it may always make you uncomfortable that he has a rapport and history with her.

 

So often people don't divorce because of the financial aspect.

 

Now, I did get alimony. Which is kind of unheard of in my area. I wish I had stipulated it continued until I remarried, but I only asked for seven years. I figured I could get through my bachelors and masters in that time and only have to work part time. Since it has been 17 years since we divorced and I am not remarried, I'm sure my ex is grateful I didn't add the marriage clause!

 

Which is what I think your SO should do. Give her however many years until the child goes to college in alimony. I know it sucks, but the child will benefit.

[Grammie]

After many years my H proposed & I accepted. We got married. We promised to stand by eachother for better & worse.

 

I had a better career & earnt nearly twice as much as him. I owned my own property when we met. He had nothing but a large overdraft at the bank.

 

The equity from my property financed our home.

 

We made choices based on the permanence of our relationship. Those choices included having 2 children. WE didn't want OUR children in daycare > 10 hours a day so WE decided that the best for ALL of our family was for me to become a SAHM.

 

As a result of OUR choices I would not be able to walk into a job that would cover home, bills, living expenses & child daycare. Not possible!!

 

Why would anyone argue that if my H chose to have an affair & leave for OW I should loose EVERYTHING, leaving me & OUR children destitute?

 

I had the equity. I organized & supported his education. I made huge sacrifices for his career. We made children together & made joint decisions on how they should be raised.

 

I hate the bashing of ex wives & SAHM's.

What's embarrassing is that any woman in this situation should be seen as undeserving of financial support to start a new life (for herself & THEIR CHILDREN) while the deserting H rides off into the sunset with the OW & 'HIS' money & 'HIS' career intact.

 

Exactly what's so wrong with the law?

 

Great post! I have never heard of a court requiring a woman to go get a job xx time after a child is born or a divorce happens. That's just silly and unreasonable...especially for someone who hasn't worked in years. I highly doubt flipping burgers is a job that will he,pmthe ex to become financially independent.

 

you shouldn't stay out of it because you had an affair; that's not WHY -- you should stay out of it because it's none of your business & you're not neutral in the entire situation. it's only affecting YOUR life and YOUR future because YOUR partner allows it to -- so you have a problem with HIM; not with courts & his ex wife.

 

needless to say -- you should also stay out of it because you bring in a lot of negative energy directed at his ex & for ONE reason only - you don't trust him. he lied to you the first time so this time you want to see it all with your own two eyes. can't say i blame you -- but that's an issue.

 

the same way he is enabling his ex -- you're enabling him. you're trying to get a grown man to handle his relationship with the ex wife & to put up those boundaries YOU see fit.

 

you're like a parent in this relationship -- he didn't make any major moves until you had your fist down; you're doing it again & you're wrongly identifying it as his "kindness" -- he isn't kind, he's just being passive. like Quiet Storm wrote -- that's the man you have & you can't change him.

 

and he was "kind" during his separation period in those emails -- you don't see the pattern? that's conflict avoidant; not kind.

 

& there is no reasoning with your ex husband -- if you ask her; this is how it looks like where she's standing --- she got dumped out of nowhere; she has him + YOU, the new partner who is overstepping her boundaries, has jealousy issues because he lied to you both & paints everything she does as manipulation (she is probably not aware of that part). you're strongly against him helping her in any way because you're not comfortable with it & you think it won't ever stop; you're not giving her any benefit of doubts here.

 

put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

 

and this is the biggest problem, if you ask me -- you don't trust him. not saying you should blindly trust him with EVERYTHING he says -- but you are at the point where you have to VERIFY things he does, follow him to the lawyer's office in order to make sure he actually makes his moves & doesn't get screwed by his ex in the process. that's a MAJOR trust issue & i think - the main thing you should focus on in order to make this relationship successful. because one day, you will get tired of it.

 

according to your older posts -- everything that goes beyond strict business relationship is a boundary issue. calls about things other than their child are a boundary issue for you. stepping into her apartment is a boundary issue for you. HELPING HER OUT, fixing things when she needs and doesn't have anyone else to ask are boundaries issues for you. you need to figure out what are reasonable BOUNDARIES in your relationship. you can put up those in your own relationship, not in theirs.

 

let me tell you one thing - if you never saw those emails...... you wouldn't have any problems with her. but you did see them, him calling her pet names & telling her he adores her and you got a glimpse into their happy life together and that's the only reason you're trying to monitor his reationship with the ex so much. it planted a doubt in you & it never went away.

 

i mean -- the guy gets upset with her (probably because she gets on his last nerves) & you IMMEDIATELY recognize it as some kind of sign that he's still romantically attached to her - WHY? work on that part of your relationship. that's an issue. why was your first thought - he isn't over it! - instead of - damn, she annoyed the life out of him!

 

 

 

how would you know what's best for THEM and THEIR relationship? isn't that up to them to figure out? and even if she heals -- you STILL wouldn't be comfortable with them having a friendly relationship because of his previous lies. don't you think YOU need to heal from his lies, too? don't you think your presence in their relationship puts a strain on them, too?

 

you're putting it all on HER as if she's the only party with a problem in this situation -- but you are, too. you're jealous, you see her as a threat, you try to monitor their relationship in order to prevent some kind of rekindling to happen... all of this = HUGE negativity directed at his ex. THAT is the main reason you should stay out of it -- he won't ever have a decent relationship with her while you're so involved. how could he? you're by his side, constantly telling him how he should and shouldn't act and what is his ex doing wrong this time -- that's their conflict and instead of letting THEM handle it; you're trying to act as some kind of voice of reason... when you're not neutral AT ALL. because you're annoyed by his passive nature & you don't trust him + still see her as a threat to your relationship... even though he dumped her in RECORD TIME like years ago.

 

& honestly -- you don't have it that bad. the only issue here is the money; compared to the drama i've seen on this Forum by the betrayed wives... the stories i've read...! SHEESH! you have it GOOD.

 

i'd strongly recommend joint counseling for the two of you as a couple and possibly for all three of you (if she's even aware of how strong your negative influence is).

 

or just the two of them - some kind of family counselor because they desperately need someone neutral to guide them -- and no, that wouldn't be a boundary issue.

 

Another great post.

 

Regarding retirement, she does spdeserve half of his...they were a couple and they made sacrifices during the marriage. She supported the home, took care of the child, etc. she earned half of his retirement...and knowing he was cheating on her...I hope she gets half of it.

[13Hearts]

OP,

Your story reminds me a little of my story with an ex. I had no desire to control anything with this guy. He just really did not know how to handle things with his STBXW and she was pulling all kinds of nasty fast ones on him. I truly needed to help him with things because he just didn't have the ability. Now, IDK if your situation is the same, or if you are trying to control other people, or if your feelings are out of worry he will go back with her or what. But I believe the jealousy or whatever you are feeling there needs to be addressed separately. I think you're too close to this man too early. Are you living together? Maybe for your own sanity you need to not see him as much, or not live together.

 

One thing I can tell you is trying to help someone in their divorce, especially a romantic partner, is just exhausting and fricking frustrating! AND a big waste of your time!! Aren't there things you would much rather be doing and talking about with a partner/mate than trying to help them with their divorce and financial issues? Your man needs to get a lawyer, a therapist, a pastor or priest, a best friend/confidant, and maybe even a mediator, to get him through all of this. And leave you out of it. Do you agree? Because after all those years helping my BF with his divorce and his XW, we split up!! WTH did I get out of the arrangement? A lot of work, a couple of thank you's, and a never-paid IOU.

 

Set some boundaries with this guy, or cut your losses and move on. He sounds like way too much work to me.

[Poppy47]

He did divorce her and you are married.... correct?

 

I think you should know everything about the financial settlement. It affects you too.

 

Tell him how you feel. I wouldn't like to be guessing about anything if it were my partner. You have a right to know if you are partners... it's not yours and his anymore, everything belongs to both of you.

 

My late husband was divorced for about 8 years when I married him. There were still issues with money and children. I INSISTED on being a party to everything that was discussed and agreed upon. I left for 6 months until he got his head around it, but he did.

 

He probably doesn't know which way to turn so tell him what you want in no uncertain terms without being unsympathetic.

Good Luck

Poppy.

[cocorico]

Great post! I have never heard of a court requiring a woman to go get a job xx time after a child is born or a divorce happens. That's just silly and unreasonable...especially for someone who hasn't worked in years. I highly doubt flipping burgers is a job that will he,pmthe ex to become financially independent.

 

I don't know what country you live in, but in most of the modern world, this is the norm. marriage is no longer regarded as a career, or alimony as a retirement plan. Most modern states recognise the economic and career potential of both spouses, and where one spouse may have incurred career interruptions due to childcare this is addressed through the provision of rehabilitative maintenance for a defined period, calculated as the reasonable time required (considering all factors) for the person who took the career "hit" this become financially self-reliant again.

 

You may not have heard of it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

 

Regarding retirement, she does spdeserve half of his...they were a couple and they made sacrifices during the marriage. She supported the home, took care of the child, etc. she earned half of his retirement...and knowing he was cheating on her...I hope she gets half of it.

 

*They* made sacrifices - so why should _she_ be the one to get the free lunch? She didn't "earn" half of his retirement she earned being supported while being a SAHM, and whatever rehabilitative maintenance the courts mandate until she's back on her feet, financially, building up her own pension.

 

I'm really struggling to understand how some people still regard women as poor weak dependent beings incapable of earning money, who have to have husbands (current or ex) paying their way, and marriage as some kind of lifetime meal ticket. I am so glad I grew up in a culture that recognised those attitudes as being firmly historic - if my daughter viewed her relationships as some kind of "get out of work free" ticket I'd be most concerned.

[Southern Sun]

Though you will have to have some sort of relationship with the ex-wife in the future if you continue you stay with your SO, I would like to point out that your primary relationship now is WITH YOUR MAN. Thus, all of your issues are also with your man.

 

You cannot intercede and work out their problems. Any "passiveness" as it relates to his ex-wife on his part cannot be handled and resolved by you. Thus you cannot jump in between them and say 'do this' and 'fix that' because, frankly, it has nothing to do with you. You may feel it does, because of the trickle down effect. But your problem is with HIM, not THEM.

 

If you don't like his behavior, let him know. Tell him what you can and cannot accept from him. You MUST understand that he will always be attached to his ex-wife in some way, and that the best way to maintain a strong relationship with his child is to be in good stead with her as well. But I sense some manipulative behavior here, and maybe not from her. You choose what you can handle. You can't make HER do anything. You actually can't make HIM do anything either. But you can choose what you're willing to live with. And if it's not working for you, walk away.

 

If you suspect that you are the one being unreasonable however, I encourage you to give it some time and be supportive of your SO's attempt to do the right thing. This is a very hard transition.

[Ms. Faust]

I don't know what country you live in, but in most of the modern world, this is the norm. marriage is no longer regarded as a career, or alimony as a retirement plan. Most modern states recognise the economic and career potential of both spouses, and where one spouse may have incurred career interruptions due to childcare this is addressed through the provision of rehabilitative maintenance for a defined period, calculated as the reasonable time required (considering all factors) for the person who took the career "hit" this become financially self-reliant again.

 

You may not have heard of it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

 

 

 

*They* made sacrifices - so why should _she_ be the one to get the free lunch? She didn't "earn" half of his retirement she earned being supported while being a SAHM, and whatever rehabilitative maintenance the courts mandate until she's back on her feet, financially, building up her own pension.

 

I'm really struggling to understand how some people still regard women as poor weak dependent beings incapable of earning money, who have to have husbands (current or ex) paying their way, and marriage as some kind of lifetime meal ticket. I am so glad I grew up in a culture that recognised those attitudes as being firmly historic - if my daughter viewed her relationships as some kind of "get out of work free" ticket I'd be most concerned.

 

While SAHM is more common receiving alimony can apply to women and men. If a career woman divorces a SAHD (depending on the state) she is more than likely going to have to pay alimony. This should not be a gender issue.

 

Although I do believe alimony is a necessity in some situations, lifetime alimony should not be, unless the woman is beyond working age or some other extenuating circumstances.

 

California has the Gavron Warning which basically says get a job or else. Many states are going the way of getting rid of lifetime spousal maintenance and greatly decreasing alimony as a whole.

 

All that being said, I stand by my original belief that the OP is a legal stranger in this situation, and while she can support her boyfriend the decision is ultimately the ex husband's.

 

I think what is more concerning is that she has no trust in him.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

The OP and the guy aren't married, a few posters keep saying they are. She's said it's her SO.... I never read anything about them being married.

 

I'm not sure she needs to get involved with all the nitty gritty of his divorce..... that's just going to cause her unecessary stress. I agree with whoever said he needs a therapist and a lawyer. Getting too involved just makes you appear controlling.

[Poppy47]

The OP and the guy aren't married, a few posters keep saying they are. She's said it's her SO.... I never read anything about them being married.

 

I'm not sure she needs to get involved with all the nitty gritty of his divorce..... that's just going to cause her unecessary stress. I agree with whoever said he needs a therapist and a lawyer. Getting too involved just makes you appear controlling.

 

I don't think she knew she was the OW and went NC when she found out.

She is probably de facto if not married. Where I live, that gives legal rights the same as marriage after a year.

I still say she should be privy to what is happening. I might included parental visitation rights, custody or involve her own finances. I understand SO to mean partner.

It's not in her interests to be ignorant.

It would serve her well to develop a working relationship with the exW because she will probably be involved with the children over the coming years.

DEcisions were made behind my back about children and finances when I married a divorcee..... not consultation whatsoever. I left until my husband agreed to include me in any family business. I was not going to spend the rest of my marriage having no say in where my time and money went. For me it was a deal breaker. ONLY FAIR as I was contributing as much to the marriage as he was.

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

I don't think she knew she was the OW and went NC when she found out.

She is probably de facto if not married. Where I live, that gives legal rights the same as marriage aftera year.

 

It would serve her well to develop a working relationship with the exW because she will probably be involved with the children over the coming years.

DEcisions were made behind my back about children and finances when I married a divorcee..... not consultation whatsoever. I left until my husband agreed to include me in any family business. I was not going to spend the rest of my marriage having no say in where my time and money went. For me it was a deal breaker. ONLY FAIR as I was contributing as much to the marriage as he was.

Poppy.

 

You don't have marital rights in the UK after a year. Nothing is the same as marriage. All depends what's what in your country of residence. I'd be very hesitant to pool my money with a divorcee who has such heavy financial commitments..but they are HIS commitments and not the SOs.

 

I don't get the impression it's purely about the finances though. The relationship started out as a lie...I realise the OP was deceived.... but the mistrust will always be there because of that. Being lied to for 6 months is bound to cause some doubt.

 

As far as a working relationship with the ex wife... I'm not sure I'd have any desire to have a relationship with the woman my husband left me for. Just because she's been with this guy for a couple of years..she has no decision making regarding the child.

 

As long as she treats the child ok...The ex probably has no desire to have any kind of relationship with the OP.

[cocorico]

While SAHM is more common receiving alimony can apply to women and men. If a career woman divorces a SAHD (depending on the state) she is more than likely going to have to pay alimony. This should not be a gender issue.

 

Agreed - which was why I wrote that part of the post in gender-neutral terms.

 

Although I do believe alimony is a necessity in some situations, lifetime alimony should not be, unless the woman is beyond working age or some other extenuating circumstances.

 

California has the Gavron Warning which basically says get a job or else. Many states are going the way of getting rid of lifetime spousal maintenance and greatly decreasing alimony as a whole.

 

 

Agree with this, too.

 

 

I think what is more concerning is that she has no trust in him.

 

Absolutely.

[MJJean]

My GF was in a very similar situation with her SO. He was divorced when they met, had dated a couple women, and apparently was constantly giving his ex money above and beyond the court orders in addition to riding to her rescue in crisis. His ex refused to work and they'd also been married less than 10 years.

 

My GF saw that the ex was basically walking all over the man and she had enough. So, she explained to him that lack of a spine is not an attractive trait and that he could either stand up to the ex and tell her no more extras or she would end their relationship because she had no desire to stay with a man who wouldn't stand up for himself and who seemed to still be the property of Ex.

 

He told the ex he would be abiding by the divorce agreement, no more and no less. She lost her mind and tried starting drama, but he kept repeating that he would abide by the divorce papers, no more and no less.

 

She got a job the following month and a new man to support her shortly after that so she could quit said job.

[bathtub-row]

As hard as it may be, I think you need to mostly stay out of it. The truth is, your SO can't see his ex for who she really is yet. It takes some time to disentangle from a long-term relationship and see your way clearly. I went through this myself. I couldn't stand my ex but I could never really put my finger on the real dynamics of our relationship. Today, I see it as plain as day. Where I can be pretty laid back about most things, he could fire me up in two seconds flat. The guy I was dating during my divorce was surprised to see how different I was with my ex.

 

If I were you, I'd just let it play itself out and try not to be too hard on him. This stuff is very hard to sort through because emotions are very intense. I'm sure guilt also plays a factor. I mean, be there for him when he needs you but try to let them and their attorneys duke it out. Just keep in mind why you love him and don't let this other stuff overshadow what the two of you have.

[Lady2163]

Anything that has the potential to affect the OP, then she should be involved.

 

If they are cohabitating, or planning to get married, then finances and visitation are things she should know about.

 

I had a friend who had two kids, she married a man with three kids. Some years after the divorce he and the ex-wife were in a car together with his kids. They got in a fight and he flipped out and had a road rage incident. Nobody was hurt. But the ex-wife was on the phone with the lawyer the next day. He was responsible for picking the kids up every Friday and returning them every Sunday. Now that she thought he was unsafe, she was making it difficult. This was before cell phones and without consulting my friend, he told the lawyer, "my wife will do it."

 

So, for several years she had to give up six hours every weekend to pick up his children. She liked his kids, she loved his kids but resented the hell out of being a chauffeur. My friend believed if the ex didn't think he was a safe driver, then the ex wife should drive the kids.

 

While it would be better if you were meeting him a year or two from now, all this is fallout from a fresh divorce. It takes a while to learn to live with someone and it can be stressful. It is the same with learning to live without them and adjust to the new roles you have. I'm not contradicting my earlier post, I still think you should be made to feel secure, first and foremost.

 

Oh - and if it was two years down the road, you should still know details about the divorce before you married someone. You should have full financial disclosure. You should know how much alimony, child support and health costs your soon to be husband or partner is paying and for how long. Some may think it is none of your business, but the bottom line is the amount going out is going to affect YOUR quality of life as well.

[Padme]

I didn't read all 4 pages but in reply to your first message, all that stuff you're talking about is none of your business. Don't go to the lawyers with him, don't discuss how much money he's giving her. Keep your accounts seperate and worry about your own money. She was his wife, they have a child, he does owe her money. Just dont worry about it, tell him you don't want to hear about it because it's not your business.

 

I'm saying this as a fellow other woman whose man is going through a seperation. She also won't work full time, and I know he gives her money for child support every week. I have no idea how much, I've never asked. all I told him was to make sure he doesn't pay in cash so there's always a record of it. I was frustrated at first because I wanted him to get a custody lawyer and do all this stuff but he just wanted to work it out with her so I just stepped back and let him do his thing. I'm much happier now that I've realized that's his private business.

[cocorico]

I didn't read all 4 pages but in reply to your first message, all that stuff you're talking about is none of your business. Don't go to the lawyers with him, don't discuss how much money he's giving her. Keep your accounts seperate and worry about your own money. She was his wife, they have a child, he does owe her money. Just dont worry about it, tell him you don't want to hear about it because it's not your business.

 

I'm saying this as a fellow other woman whose man is going through a seperation. She also won't work full time, and I know he gives her money for child support every week. I have no idea how much, I've never asked. all I told him was to make sure he doesn't pay in cash so there's always a record of it. I was frustrated at first because I wanted him to get a custody lawyer and do all this stuff but he just wanted to work it out with her so I just stepped back and let him do his thing. I'm much happier now that I've realized that's his private business.

 

I guess some women are just happier leaving men to get on with money matters, etc, while they potter about making the house nice for him, while others prefer more agency in a R. I'm one of the latter - and my view is that it's an OW's right - if not duty - to communicate very clearly with her separating / divorcing MM what the possible fallout might be in terms of decisions regarding the divorce settlement as it pertains to their future R - including lifestyle issues.

 

Having heard from several MM who D the BW with a view to being with the OW that they wished they'd known what the impact of (for example) having to move to a tiny flat while paying for xW to keep the huge house, instead of insisting it be sold and the profits split, would be, say they would have taken a harder line with the xBW instead of allowing themselves to be guilted into disproportionate generosity, my view is that during the negotiations is exactly the time to say it. And repeat it if necessary. If the MM knows that the R with the OW - that he's moving heaven and earth (well, hell and the BW) to achieve - could be jeopardised by not being firm with the xBW, he can factor that into his decision making. But if he doesn't know, and the R is later placed under house undue strain as a result, he will not be happy with her not having pointed that probability out to him when he was still blinded by guilt - however hard she flutters her eyelashes and tells him she didn't want to meddle in his big, brave, man-business.

[Miss Clavel]

tl;dr: started out as an affair, he lied, I found out, I broke up with him, went NC. Dude actually divorced. Took him back, was very happy, but lately thinking I maybe just had my head buried in the sand. He might still not be completely over his ex and marriage and I am heartbroken, again. Please help.

 

 

let's see if i have the time table right. he cheated. somehow this was discovered or not, but either way, they got divorced.

 

before or after that, they sold the family home and everyone moved, somewhere else?

 

so she's lost her home and her family and her husband betrayed her?

 

 

she hasn't got a job, but she's got the kids?

 

on top of having to get a job, she's gotta figure out how to keep the kids going? school, activities, shared custody?

 

i went thur the same thing.

 

inbetween all that, i lost my mother, my dearest friend and two brothers.

 

and even tho i didn't even like cakeman anymore, we got thru it, by talking, crying, screaming to the point of spitting, and sending each other "goodbye" songs.

 

things take time.

 

you are married to your married man. kudos.

 

i don't see you unloading any baggage for quite awhile longer. and if you keep on trying to speed up the process, you'll continue to come off wrong

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[waterwoman]

" and my view is that it's an OW's right - if not duty - to communicate very clearly with her separating / divorcing MM what the possible fallout might be in terms of decisions regarding the divorce settlement as it pertains to their future R - including lifestyle issues. "

 

Absolutely. She should draw her line in the sand and then leave him to it. It can only get uglier if she gets intimately involved in all the back and forth. And if the line in the sand is crossed she gets to make her decision on the future.

 

As a relatively financially independent woman I have always earned my own money and looked after the financial needs of myself and my family. if my H walked out tomorrow we would cope. I would not consider meddling in the finances of my partner especially in the circumstances the OP finds herself in.

 

Also as I mentioned earlier a little empathy is needed. There is a marriage to mourn and heal from, as well a new relationship to grow.