My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[MJJean]

Sick...maybe

 

Underhanded...yes.

 

Illegal...questionable.

 

And that is the problem.

 

Depends on state law. Here, the expectation of privacy extends to private rooms in the home (ex. bathroom) and it is illegal to record a specific individual without consent.

 

And, please, understand something, LS'ers. No one here has recommended divorce or notifying the police because this man has a fetish. The fetish isn't the problem. The fact that he forced someone to unknowingly participate in his fetish against their will is the problem. How he handles his fetish is the problem. And, frankly, the way he's handled it shows that this man cannot be trusted not to similarly abuse other women.

Edited January 21, 2016 by MJJean

[spyedonfor20plus]

Ok. I have read some interesting things. And re-read them to think on.

Thank you for the thoughtful and caring responses.

 

First of all, I immediately booked a therapy appointment (for myself) and have met once. I have another appointment tomorrow. Husband is out of town until Friday possibly Saturday so I have some time to think.

 

Right now, the legality or illegality of his actions is not my no. 1 concern. The research I have done however, in my state, shows that his actions, even in his own home, could be illegal. They do include audio. They also include my, at the time, toddler age sons running past and vocalizing. Which made it that much worse somehow.

 

Whoever said "social Rubrick's cube" that was brilliant.

 

There are so many aspects of this to decipher I don't know how long it will take. Or what I will ultimately do.

 

I am going to make replies to each of your comments separately. If only to help me think things through more. Please keep comments coming.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Here's another instance that may have sparked my "search for family videos" other than the fact that he kept putting us off about where they were.

 

We were recently out of the country. FOUR MONTHS AGO> that is important. At the time, just the two of us. I was drying off from shower in the bathroom when I looked down and saw him holding his smart phone from outside into a small glass partition towards me.

 

I flew out of the bathroom and said what the hell are you doing? He acts like a kid..."nothing." "you obviously were taking pictures" (I didn't' know it at the time but it was probably video.) I said, that's weird. Why? Why? He says, I just like to see you naked. And it was just an opportunity; he apologized.

 

Said he erased them all (!) immediately. I was upset, but I went with the "impulse, opportunity" answer.

 

Fast forward to now. So it's not an issue about me, or our sex life. He has an issue, some would call a fetish, that i cannot tolerate. Even in a marriage, one has a reasonable right to privacy.

 

Bottom line, he is not the person I thought he was. That, by definition, changes my feelings for him.

 

I could have tolerated him cheating on me more, believe it or not. It would have been more "normal" and cut and dried. I have had opportunities to cheat, and can understand the "I was drinking, I was stupid, they were attractive" mistake.

 

This is so different.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Regarding my personal safety; it has crossed my mind. That to save his reputation in his career, and in our community...but I don't think he's that disturbed.

 

However, I have told a trusted friend all of the details, just in case.

[spyedonfor20plus]

 

I'd also tell him to give up ALL copies. If some were on cassettes..I doubt he's saved them to flash drives..... but I reckon more recent stuff will be on a smartphone or a laptop. Tell him you want to see what footage he has apart from what you've seen and if he doesn't show it to you... you will seriously consider divorce..but will start with a legal seperation.

 

I asked about that. He says I have all there is. Which I do not believe. Hopefully he has deleted anything on a smart phone.

 

I do not have any access to his computer. It is password protected.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

This guy has a repressed voyeuristic fetish he was probably too embarrassed to talk about.

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing by focusing his fetish on his wife only and remaining faithful to her.

 

This is your husband, spyedon. This is the man you've been with for 20 years. Have some compassion and accept him for who he is.

 

So you found out he has a weird fetish. That doesn't make him a different person. In fact, this isn't even that weird of a fetish.

 

There are a lot worse guys out there than a guy who loves his wife so much, he makes her the main object of his fetish for 20 years while raising 2 kids and being faithful.... jeez.

 

I do not have a problem with fetishes such as, say, he likes to suck my toes. Or play dress up together. Videotaping me in the shower and/or otherwise naked was not something I would agree to if he asked. WHICH HE DID NOT DO. I do not want Videos of my naked self anywhere. Even for his private use.

[spyedonfor20plus]

ROFL !!!

 

 

That's a great interpretation of the story.

 

 

 

 

But I truly want to side with the "astounded" ones.

 

 

This is just a social Rubik's Cube. I can't even fathom somebody victimized in this way being ready to choose a course of action in the midst of the same astoundedness that most any human should feel.

 

And better yet, how much does someone have to let his guard down to be caught as described after twenty years of deceit???

 

(such sudden clumsiness would match well with a recent fatal medical diagnosis, or some such thing)

 

 

I find myself hoping that there were many, many earlier (good) reasons to justify your leaving him, which you didn't heed, and that now you are motivated to get up and go...

 

 

Most interesting reponse so far and my favorite. My therapist mentioned he has gotten away with it for so long, he has gotten lax, let his guard down (see my story about our recent trip) and is taking more risks, therefore, he got caught and I found out about it all.

 

If we did not have two sons who have thought for their entire lives (as did I) that their parents were happy and well-adjusted, I would leave him today.

 

Right now, they are my biggest concern. And that my own vision of my future with them is blown apart right now.

 

Also, I truly question whether the man knows what real love is.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't want to cause you any more distress, because what you know is disturbing enough.

 

 

But how sure are you that you're the only one he's spied on? Have you reviewed the videos thoroughly?

 

 

ETA: do you have access to his computer(s)?

[spyedonfor20plus]

I am not at all sure I'm the only one. The videos I saw, and have kept, are all of me, in our master bedroom, master bathroom, or in hotel bedrooms on vacation.

[whichwayisup]

I do not have a problem with fetishes such as, say, he likes to suck my toes. Or play dress up together. Videotaping me in the shower and/or otherwise naked was not something I would agree to if he asked. WHICH HE DID NOT DO. I do not want Videos of my naked self anywhere. Even for his private use.

 

He messed up badly and IF he shows genuine remorse and goes to counseling with you to fix this, then give him another chance. Minus this one incident albeit it's a major one, take your time and really think before you react and jump to divorce or having him charged. What he did was wrong and it was a total invasion of your privacy, you have every right to be upset, angry, mistrustful of him due to his hiding this from you.

 

Get them out of the safety deposit box and smash them to bits, burn them too. This day in age with the internet you don't want stuff like that laying around!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry! I'd be loosing my mind. Ugh!

 

You said that you found videos & cassettes. You also say he was taking film with his phone. You haven't found everything!! I don't believe that today anyone is converting digital format anything onto tape.

 

You REALLY need to get into his computer. Does he have a home computer or just one he has with him now? Do you or have you known any of his passwords? People often follow a certain pattern when thinking of new ones. If you can't guess it I hope that someone can help you. I don't know if it's possible to 'hack in'.

 

What REALLY worries me is secret fetishes have a way of loosing the satisfaction over time. It's common for a person to look for more extremes (like porn addiction) I'd be worried that he's shared or filmed others.

 

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. There aren't words!

[Tayla]

I am not at all sure I'm the only one. The videos I saw, and have kept, are all of me, in our master bedroom, master bathroom, or in hotel bedrooms on vacation.

 

Smash the tapes or burn them. Completely within your realm to do so.

Then hire a professional to sweep your place for hidden cameras or sound devices.

 

Have a friend sit down with you both . Set down some new rules. No compromising. He wants to reside in a respectful house, it starts with him respecting the privacy of each adult.

All cards on the table. Stop feeding his perversion. He had his fun now its time to pay the piper. If anyone needs therapy its him. He is completely void of any regard for your relationship.

[xxoo]

I would not smash the tapes because they are evidence that you may need in the future.

 

Keeping them in a safe deposit box is smart.

[bathtub-row]

A smart phone only has so much memory. He probably has back-ups on a cloud storage like Dropbox, SOS, or Apple. Check your bank statements because cloud storage costs money and it would be a recurring charge.

 

Cloud storage could absolutely backfire on you because they have been known to get hacked into and then the info becomes public. That would be horrible for you.

 

I have to admit that when I first read this, I thought "ok, what's the big deal?" But in thinking about it, I can see where it's very strange for a person to stalk another person in such a way, even if it is their spouse. I think this would make me feel very strange. I'm not sure divorce would be the answer but I can't say for sure. I can definitely understand why this has creeped you out.

[BetheButterfly]

 

Please, anyone, thoughts. I can't imagine hurting my boys with a divorce but I at this time do not see how I can live with this man.

 

i have no problem with my hubby taking pics of me even without me knowing, if he never ever shares the pics with anybody else. Is there a way you can search and see if he has shared pictures of you with other people? To me, that would be my concern.

 

Another concern: has he been spying on anybody else like that too?

[dreamingoftigers]

I do not have a problem with fetishes such as, say, he likes to suck my toes. Or play dress up together. Videotaping me in the shower and/or otherwise naked was not something I would agree to if he asked. WHICH HE DID NOT DO. I do not want Videos of my naked self anywhere. Even for his private use.

 

I checked with my husband for how HE would react to this if I did this to him.

 

Needless to say, it greatly weirded him out.

 

He said almost immediately: I would LEAVE and not look back.

 

Your husband really was very out of line and considering you can't trust him with not taping you, I would suggest you can't trust him with not having shared those tapes.

 

Very, very unusual behaviour.

[BetheButterfly]

I checked with my husband for how HE would react to this if I did this to him.

 

Needless to say, it greatly weirded him out.

 

He said almost immediately: I would LEAVE and not look back.

 

Your husband really was very out of line and considering you can't trust him with not taping you, I would suggest you can't trust him with not having shared those tapes.

 

Very, very unusual behaviour.

 

It is very unusual, hmm? Most people who take pics of their partner hopefully do so with that person's permission and knowledge, not as a peeping Tom.

 

When my hubby comes home from the gym (I couldn't go cause I'm sick), I'm going to ask him. He probably will tell me that he'd take me to the shrink to get my head examined.

[spyedonfor20plus]

I checked with my husband for how HE would react to this if I did this to him.

 

Needless to say, it greatly weirded him out.

 

He said almost immediately: I would LEAVE and not look back.

 

Your husband really was very out of line and considering you can't trust him with not taping you, I would suggest you can't trust him with not having shared those tapes.

 

Very, very unusual behaviour.

 

Thank you for asking your husband. I'd like to hear from other husbands. (I know I have some responses already).

[spyedonfor20plus]

And I'd like to add to this; I am not jumping to divorce at all. It's too soon I know to make decisions. My emotions are too raw.

 

Also, please understand another part of this. Not that it really matters just shows the length of deception he has gone to with this.

 

We have moved three times. One halfway across the country and all with company packing and moving us. SO he has had to think ahead about those tapes/cassettes/dvds to (hopefully) make sure they were not found at those points.

 

As well as on several vacations, with our young children he was taping me in the hotel rooms.

 

And to continue, the parts where he taped us having sex, it was almost exclusively of my body parts. He went to the trouble to arrange ME/US in a position for the camera to best pick up my genitals. It wasn't us making love. I was an object.

[xxoo]

He has a sickness. That doesn't remove him of responsibility (he knows right from wrong), but it's a compulsive behavior. Think of it as an addiction of sorts. Of course he's going to deny, minimize, feel shame. What he's not going to do is instantly be better and stop the behavior just because it was discovered.

[loveweary11]

So weird.

 

I would give zero F's if my wife did this. I'd find it to be a fun, sexy quirk.

 

I'd get in deeper and make some voyeuristic vids of myself and surprise her with them.

 

It's beyond my comprehension that people who are as close as married people should be would be this offended.

 

I guess I really am way, way different from most people.

 

Sounds kind of fun/exciting to me. An opportunity to play together and add some spark.

[Tayla]

I would not smash the tapes because they are evidence that you may need in the future.

 

Keeping them in a safe deposit box is smart.

 

My pardons as this tape is evidence how? Good luck with that avenue. The Op has already said she isnt pressing charges . So to assure she has A clean conscious, destroying the tapes is rational and sets a final stance. You dont hide the booze from an alcoholic, you pour it out and rid the house of the element. For her these tapes are a violation of her privacy. Its time to draw a line in the sand... hiding the binky doesn't work.

Omg! I sound like Nixon from watergate

[xxoo]

So weird.

 

I would give zero F's if my wife did this. I'd find it to be a fun, sexy quirk.

 

I'd get in deeper and make some voyeuristic vids of myself and surprise her with them.

 

It's beyond my comprehension that people who are as close as married people should be would be this offended.

 

I guess I really am way, way different from most people.

 

Sounds kind of fun/exciting to me. An opportunity to play together and add some spark.

 

It could be fun/exciting if she knew. If it were consensual. Sure, I'd make lots of nakey vids for my H if he liked that.

 

He gets off on it NOT being consensual. He gets off on invading privacy. That's really, really alarming, and potentially a risk factor for even more inappropriate behaviors (sharing online for example).

[xxoo]

My pardons as this tape is evidence how? Good luck with that avenue. The Op has already said she isnt pressing charges . So to assure she has A clean conscious, destroying the tapes is rational and sets a final stance. You dont hide the booze from an alcoholic, you pour it out and rid the house of the element. For her these tapes are a violation of her privacy. Its time to draw a line in the sand... hiding the binky doesn't work.

Omg! I sound like Nixon from watergate

 

She says she isn't pressing charges now. She may feel differently later.

 

He can't get to them in a safe deposit box. Many women who've been abused store evidence in this way, just in case they need it in the future. It's smart.

[Tayla]

So weird.

 

I would give zero F's if my wife did this. I'd find it to be a fun, sexy quirk.

 

I'd get in deeper and make some voyeuristic vids of myself and surprise her with them.

 

It's beyond my comprehension that people who are as close as married people should be would be this offended.

 

I guess I really am way, way different from most people.

 

Sounds kind of fun/exciting to me. An opportunity to play together and add some spark.

 

Loveweary, more often then not you do add a positive spin. Where I think you are missing the boat is that as adults we "ask" permission on certain matters.

Had this been discussed ? No. Ergo the violation of privacy even within a marriage. He overstepped his bounds as a fellow human. He did not give her that choice.

Some folks do take personal space seriously.