He desires his mother sexually.

[almond]

So he's a married man you've never met, telling you about how his mother molested him while he was younger. He then goes on to tell you more details...slowly. Testing the waters. First he tells you that he sends his own mother naked pictures of himself. You react compassionately. He then talks about what his mother sends back. Then he tells you about his meeting with her, and describes the sexual things they did together. Still responding compassionately. Then it escalates, and he begins telling you about sexual fantasies involving you and his mother together!

 

Sounds pretty damn fishy to me. I wouldn't be surprised if this is all just some twisted incest fantasy thing, and he's getting his rocks off telling made up stories.

 

Either way, he's at the point where he's involving you in his sexual fantasies about his own mother. You are completely unable to help him if he was abused, and if he wasn't abused, then you're being manipulated and emotionally abused. You're a victim of sexual assault yourself...be careful that he's not preying upon that

 

Encourage him to get help and cut contact. That's the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but for him also.

 

Good luck, and please - take care of yourself <3

[CeaserAugustus]

AMJ: Have you ever visited the website aftersilence.org? Its a site that helps victims incest. I have learned quite a bit there. Its absolutely 100% judgement free.

 

If you go to the site I think you will find that his actions are not entirely abnormal for someone who has suffered from years of abuse. He should probably go there as well and learn coping mechanisms to help him stop engaging in that behavior.

 

Best of luck!

[stillafool]

I am sorry for what your friend has gone through and still experiencing with his mother. I think a male friend of mine has gone through the same thing with his mother. He hasn't told me this but I suspect it and so does his wife. If you don't mind my asking how old is your friend and how old is his mother? He definitely needs professional counseling.

[AMJ]

So he's a married man you've never met, telling you about how his mother molested him while he was younger.

You're a victim of sexual assault yourself...be careful that he's not preying upon that

 

Encourage him to get help and cut contact. That's the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but for him also.

 

Good luck, and please - take care of yourself <3

 

We met each other in person ten years ago, then continued the relationship online because he was deployed to Iraq for several years, and I moved a few thousand miles away from the town we both lived in when we met. After his deployments, I ended up moving back home, and he wanted to see me in person, but I refused, closed off contact, because by that point my feelings were way beyond friendship and he was married. He doesn't know that I was raped. It's ironic that I was raped by a police officer, since he's a police officer. There's probably some underlying issue there.

He does know all about my history of abuse in my family, and has been a supportive friend. I really can't imagine him making up stories like these. I have no idea why he would. I think he's just never had a non-judgmental person to talk to, and our relationship feels safe because we already have unhealthy boundaries?

[AMJ]

Thank you Ceaser! I've been to One in 6 and found resources there, but nothing specifically about mother-son abuse.

[AMJ]

If you don't mind my asking how old is your friend and how old is his mother? He definitely needs professional counseling.

 

He's in his mid-30s, she is in her late 50s, probably close to 60.

[summerdowling87]

Sadly if this is true you can't force someone to get help.

 

He has to come to the realization that what his mother has done to him is horrible. And he needs to realize on his own that it was wrong and she is the only one to blame.

 

He needs to realize that he needs to get away from her and that he need help. sadly until he comes to realize these things their toxic/sick "relationship?" will go on.

[CeaserAugustus]

Thank you Ceaser! I've been to One in 6 and found resources there, but nothing specifically about mother-son abuse.

 

AMJ: I used both sites and I cannot say enough about aftersilence.org

 

I encourage you to check it out.

 

Best!

[stillafool]

He's in his mid-30s, she is in her late 50s, probably close to 60.

 

What kind of woman does this to her child? Is his father still alive and living with her?

[AMJ]

She and his father split a long time ago, when he was a teenager. He says she was sexually abused by her father and her brothers too, when she was young.

[Noproblem]

you can't help him if he does not help himself..

 

That's sad, he was not

 

it was not

 

his choice

 

she messed him up when he was a kid and that was that

 

that was not her choice either because she was messed up already ...

 

what a sad situation......

[preraph]

He shouldn't be in a relationship until he has had years of therapy. He is the type of abused child most likely to abuse his own children down the road. It's normal to him.

[AMJ]

I hate admitting this, but I do worry about that. I cannot, and I mean, cannot believe that he would ever do such a thing, but then again...it was just as shocking to learn it had been done to him. I really, really, don't think he would ever do that. I think the twisted nature of it all ends with his mom, and other grown women. But how would I ever know for sure?

 

What makes this more difficult is the fact that he's the one single person in my entire life, who understands my own feelings regarding my own dysfunctional family (which is alcoholism and other types of abuse, never sexual). And he's the only person who has been helpful or supportive. It's not that my other friends don't care, it's just that they can't relate. I just care about him and value his friendship so much.

[Timshel]

I hate admitting this, but I do worry about that. I cannot, and I mean, cannot believe that he would ever do such a thing, but then again...it was just as shocking to learn it had been done to him. I really, really, don't think he would ever do that. I think the twisted nature of it all ends with his mom, and other grown women. But how would I ever know for sure?

 

What makes this more difficult is the fact that he's the one single person in my entire life, who understands my own feelings regarding my own dysfunctional family (which is alcoholism and other types of abuse, never sexual). And he's the only person who has been helpful or supportive. It's not that my other friends don't care, it's just that they can't relate. I just care about him and value his friendship so much.

 

I know different. It seems that you have lucidity from other posts, yet in this thread are confused.

There isn't any way that your 'friend' would not be a threat to his children or others without consistent counsel. You have said that you are the only person he has told.

AMJ, what is your angle with this man? What do you want from him after knowing 'what you know?'

[preraph]

I hate admitting this, but I do worry about that. I cannot, and I mean, cannot believe that he would ever do such a thing, but then again...it was just as shocking to learn it had been done to him. I really, really, don't think he would ever do that. I think the twisted nature of it all ends with his mom, and other grown women. But how would I ever know for sure?

 

What makes this more difficult is the fact that he's the one single person in my entire life, who understands my own feelings regarding my own dysfunctional family (which is alcoholism and other types of abuse, never sexual). And he's the only person who has been helpful or supportive. It's not that my other friends don't care, it's just that they can't relate. I just care about him and value his friendship so much.

 

You have only to look at Bill Cosby to see that a person can be great in some respects and very twisted in another. Fortunately, not all messed up people are 100% evil, but they can do evil things, especially if they've had a bad childhood like that defined something bad as normal for you. In molestation, it's considered cathartic if you are able to admit you got something out of the experience, like attention or feeling loved or special, but then you have to cope with the shame that comes later. It's just not healthy that he apparently still desires his mother. I'm afraid he hasn't really progressed much and it sounds like some aspect of himself is still stuck back then. He may have some arrested development. People with arrested development in that way aren't necessarily going to be molesters (that was Michael Jackson's diagnosis), but there's a larger percentage who are than in the general population.

 

Do not have kids with him or take him around any. He desires his mother, so he is going in with the attitude that it would be pleasurable for them too.

[AMJ]

I know different. It seems that you have lucidity from other posts, yet in this thread are confused.

There isn't any way that your 'friend' would not be a threat to his children or others without consistent counsel. You have said that you are the only person he has told.

AMJ, what is your angle with this man? What do you want from him after knowing 'what you know?'

 

Of course I'm confused! Every piece of this situation is confusing. I can't just go around making accusations or making vocal my concerns that he may some day harm his own children. I have no reason to believe he would do so. Yes, he was victimized, but he knows it was wrong. He knows it's wrong to have desires now about his mom. He trusted me with something he's never told anyone. I'm encouraging him to at least talk to his siblings or a therapist.

 

What do I want from him? I have no idea. We've never really had the opportunity to test our feelings, to experience our feelings for each other in person. He lives thousands of miles away from me and has four children. There's no hope for us to even have a real relationship.

 

Again, I was posting here for advice from people who have experience somehow with incest. I have no idea how to handle the situation, but I care about him very much, and want to do or say whatever I can that would be supportive.

 

While I understand the concern about him harming his own children- believe me, I do- I'm also defensive of this assumption that all victims of molestation are going to grow up to be perpetrators. Maybe I'm defensive because I care about him, maybe I'm defensive because people make generalizations about all victims of abuse- victims of rape will always be damaged in some way, children of alcoholics will grow up to become alcoholics, etc. He's not a bad person. He's one of the most generous and considerate people I know.

[Timshel]

Of course I'm confused! Every piece of this situation is confusing. I can't just go around making accusations or making vocal my concerns that he may some day harm his own children. I have no reason to believe he would do so. Yes, he was victimized, but he knows it was wrong. He knows it's wrong to have desires now about his mom. He trusted me with something he's never told anyone. I'm encouraging him to at least talk to his siblings or a therapist.

 

What do I want from him? I have no idea. We've never really had the opportunity to test our feelings, to experience our feelings for each other in person. He lives thousands of miles away from me and has four children. There's no hope for us to even have a real relationship.

 

Again, I was posting here for advice from people who have experience somehow with incest. I have no idea how to handle the situation, but I care about him very much, and want to do or say whatever I can that would be supportive.

 

While I understand the concern about him harming his own children- believe me, I do- I'm also defensive of this assumption that all victims of molestation are going to grow up to be perpetrators. Maybe I'm defensive because I care about him, maybe I'm defensive because people make generalizations about all victims of abuse- victims of rape will always be damaged in some way, children of alcoholics will grow up to become alcoholics, etc. He's not a bad person. He's one of the most generous and considerate people I know.

 

Good, you are angry. Logging out for tonight but stay pissed, you should be and let me have it.

Who is the most generous and kind person you have known?

[MissCongeniality]

The bottom line is this: no matter what relationship you have with him, how wrong it is, how dead-end it is, and how much you are going to be looked down upon from your family and friends for having an affair, the REAL issue to be addressed is that your 'man' is sick in the head. He needs professional help. It's not his fault that his mother and family did this to him. He's a victim.

 

But it's a fair bet that he has, or will, progress from being a victim to being a predator, if he doesn't get mental help. And if he has children, I fear for them. From him. The kind of mental illness he has can, often does, manifest in him needing to continue the cycle.

 

You CAN help him, by finding a way to get him to go for professional help.

I agree with this. If you can help him, help him. But if you can't time to abandon ship.

[turnera]

While I understand the concern about him harming his own children- believe me, I do- I'm also defensive of this assumption that all victims of molestation are going to grow up to be perpetrators. Maybe I'm defensive because I care about him, maybe I'm defensive because people make generalizations about all victims of abuse- victims of rape will always be damaged in some way, children of alcoholics will grow up to become alcoholics, etc. He's not a bad person. He's one of the most generous and considerate people I know.

That's because he's pursuing you. Of course he looks and acts great.

 

And there's a reason people make generalizations about abuse victims - tons and tons of evidence, huge areas of research about it because it's REAL. You get messed up as a kid, you're going to carry it with you into adulthood, unless it's addressed. And as for his own kids...why take the chance? Oh, right - because you want a relationship with him.

 

IIWY, I'd be calling his wife and asking if she's aware it's going on. So SHE can protect the kids. Then you can carry on whatever thing you want to with him.

[Timshel]

Of course I'm confused! Every piece of this situation is confusing. I can't just go around making accusations or making vocal my concerns that he may some day harm his own children. I have no reason to believe he would do so. Yes, he was victimized, but he knows it was wrong. He knows it's wrong to have desires now about his mom. He trusted me with something he's never told anyone. I'm encouraging him to at least talk to his siblings or a therapist.

 

What do I want from him? I have no idea. We've never really had the opportunity to test our feelings, to experience our feelings for each other in person. He lives thousands of miles away from me and has four children. There's no hope for us to even have a real relationship.

 

Again, I was posting here for advice from people who have experience somehow with incest. I have no idea how to handle the situation, but I care about him very much, and want to do or say whatever I can that would be supportive.

 

While I understand the concern about him harming his own children- believe me, I do- I'm also defensive of this assumption that all victims of molestation are going to grow up to be perpetrators. Maybe I'm defensive because I care about him, maybe I'm defensive because people make generalizations about all victims of abuse- victims of rape will always be damaged in some way, children of alcoholics will grow up to become alcoholics, etc. He's not a bad person. He's one of the most generous and considerate people I know.

 

This is a difficult thread for me, personally. My personal life is pretty personal, my posts are mostly folly. My professional life has never been anything I am at liberty to discuss. By the by; internet diagnosis is completely unethical.

 

Ok, to address: I will suggest, as other posters have, that your attraction to this man is correlated with your own sexual trauma.

You have repeated that this man is special and attuned to yourself, that he is an exceptionally good person(?)but have provided no information to substantiate this claim.

However, you also report that he has in the recent past engaged in sexual encounter(s) with his biological mother. He has also fantasized that you would be included in a threesome with his mother, himself and you.

You can stop me any time I am inaccurate.

 

Does past sexual trauma indicate a higher probability of deviancy....usually, not always. Are you or I in a proper position to make such an assessment.....NO.

 

I am glad that you are in therapy yet perplexed as to why you will not discuss this particular situation with your therapist?

 

My opinion would be to cease all contact with this person until you are able to fully disclose to a therapist/psychologist. I would not encourage you to 'help' this person as it is impossible for you to effectively do so and in fact may hinder his mental health and the well being of his family.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

 

He has said that he wished he knew how to help himself, how to make himself stop desiring her sexually, but he doesn't know how. Yes, I've encouraged him to find help in therapy.

 

 

 

bullshi$. he does know how. he just doesn't want to do it.

 

yes, he was a victim, way back. however, recently he sent his mom a picture of his junk and went to be with her, kissing, ect.

 

at the very least, he's cheating on his wife with his mother. hello?

 

i don't think he told you so he could get help to stop, i think he told you so he'd have someone to "share" with.

 

you are his friend so tell him he has to end his inappropriate relationship with his OW because you can't have dishonest friends with low-morals.

 

good luck.

[AMJ]

That's because he's pursuing you. Of course he looks and acts great.

 

And there's a reason people make generalizations about abuse victims - tons and tons of evidence, huge areas of research about it because it's REAL. You get messed up as a kid, you're going to carry it with you into adulthood, unless it's addressed. And as for his own kids...why take the chance? Oh, right - because you want a relationship with him.

 

IIWY, I'd be calling his wife and asking if she's aware it's going on. So SHE can protect the kids. Then you can carry on whatever thing you want to with him.

 

I do not, and never had, had blinders on to every man who's ever pursued me. I am not that insecure to need a man for my own self worth. Save your judgements for someone else.

 

And how can I make such a decision- to tell someone else his secret, to tell his wife that I know while she doesn't- lightly? He trusted me. Making this known to anyone in his life is his decision, not mine. The pain that could be caused by telling his wife is huge- how can I be responsible for that?

[AMJ]

This is a difficult thread for me, personally. My personal life is pretty personal, my posts are mostly folly. My professional life has never been anything I am at liberty to discuss. By the by; internet diagnosis is completely unethical.

 

Ok, to address: I will suggest, as other posters have, that your attraction to this man is correlated with your own sexual trauma.

You have repeated that this man is special and attuned to yourself, that he is an exceptionally good person(?)but have provided no information to substantiate this claim.

 

I guess I didn't realize the jury was out on whether or not he's a good person. To most of the friends in his life, he's a super happy person. Always smiling, making jokes, wanting to make other people laugh. He will randomly bust out and sing songs. He always posts videos of himself playing with his children. He truly has so much love and joy just enjoying the simplest things with his kids. Playing catch in the yard, pushing them on swings at the playground, singing songs with them in the car, playing silly games and running around the house. When he's not working, he spends all of his free time being a good dad. He doesn't go drinking with his friends, or take off on guys' weekends. You would think that someone with four children would be exhausted and tired of being a dad. He says if we ever end up together, he'd want to have children with me, as many as I want.

 

For years he and I were just friends. He'd be supportive, listen to my problems, and actually care. And now, he's still one of the most supportive people in my life. He's compassionate, understanding, generous.

 

He's made a career out of public service and wanting to help others. A month ago he found a homeless mother while on duty with three young children. They were living in a tent. He went to church to ask the congregation if anyone would spare them a bedroom for a few weeks until they could find a more permanent home. All of his stories about being a police officer, are all about helping people. He gives people the benefit of the doubt.

 

His time and his relationship with me, is the only selfish thing he has in his life. And I'm not minimizing how wrong it is.

 

However, you also report that he has in the recent past engaged in sexual encounter(s) with his biological mother. He has also fantasized that you would be included in a threesome with his mother, himself and you.

You can stop me any time I am inaccurate.

 

Specifically his fantasy is about me being sexual with his mom and him watching. I said, I'd rather hit her than touch her or kiss her. Me hitting her also turned him on. But then again, me basically doing anything seems to turn him on.

 

Or he's said he thinks about us having sex and making her watch, because I'm a real woman, and she needs to know she's not.

 

His interaction with her was a few years ago, and they kissed, he touched her boobs. He wanted intercourse but she said no, and walked out of the room. Now, it seems like they send each other nude photos every so often. And he sometimes masturbates to her photo. But he really hates himself for all of this. He knows that it's wrong. I feel terrible even writing this here, even though this is anonymous.

 

 

 

Does past sexual trauma indicate a higher probability of deviancy....usually, not always. Are you or I in a proper position to make such an assessment.....NO.

 

I am glad that you are in therapy yet perplexed as to why you will not discuss this particular situation with your therapist?

 

My opinion would be to cease all contact with this person until you are able to fully disclose to a therapist/psychologist. I would not encourage you to 'help' this person as it is impossible for you to effectively do so and in fact may hinder his mental health and the well being of his family.

 

My situation with my therapist is complicated for two reasons. One being, that now several members of my family are being treated by her. My mother, my father, my aunt, my cousin. I initially started seeing her for a different issue, with my family. And that issue has basically dominated our discussions. I really don't want to go into the second reason why I can't talk about this with her. I'll probably try to find another therapist soon.

 

I've distanced myself from him, since writing this post. I'm dating other people, and spending less time talking to him. He hasn't mentioned any of this stuff since I started this post. It's not like he brings this up all of the time. He's only talked about it maybe three or four times, and we talk five days/week.

[Timshel]

It seems that you are seeking a particular response.

 

I am not sure from your posts if you have ever met this man in person....you say you don't know if you will ever touch each other?

 

You have said that he is married with children and that you have been (online?) friends for a decade in an emotional affair. Recently, you have made the decision to date others but continue talk to him at least 5/7 days of the week, albeit, rarely regarding this particular issue.

 

Furthermore, neither of you have discussed this situation in a therapeutic context/environment; he refuses therapy and extenuating circumstances keep you from sharing with your own.

 

You have also been adamant that despite knowing 'you can't fix him' have insisted that you will not 'abandon' him with this problem.

 

'If' this abuse is true/accurate, there is nothing that you can do except to encourage treatment and yes....walk away. You are right about the indiscriminate use of 'good' however, the dynamic with his mother, coupled with his refusal to seek treatment can only be described as highly dysfunctional.

 

What exactly are you looking for with this married and possibly abused man AMJ?

[AMJ]

The first time we met each other was in person. Way before the days of social media and online dating. Later, he found me online and by that time I'd moved pretty far away, and he was deployed to Iraq, so we kept in touch online. For a few years, when he came home from deployment, his home was where we met, while I still lived far away, as in he lived in California and I'd moved to the East Coast. So we've never actually been in the same place at the same time.

 

Well that's not entirely true. I moved back to California to start graduate school, and he was pursuing me and wanted to see me in person, but that's when I cut contact. I didn't want to help anyone cheat on their wife. And I was busy in my own life. This was about seven years ago. And I started communicating with him again just last summer. I didn't know if he was married or not. I figured he wouldn't be, they weren't very happy.

 

Anyway, what do I want. It's easier to know what I don't want. I don't want to break up someone's marriage, I don't want to put his children through pain, I don't want to move far away from my home to be with him. Him and I being together isn't really an option. And given that we've never had a real relationship, neither of us want to take the risk to find out if it's worth it. There's too much at stake.

 

What I wanted here, was the opportunity to talk this whole situation out the way I normally would with my friends. Given how extremely terrible the entire situation is, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I do appreciate everyone's feedback. Well, constructive and thoughtful feedback. I can honestly do without the judgement. But I appreciate that people have taken time to reply. I apologize if I seem like I'm ungrateful.