An emotional log

[Jacob1939]

Hi.Name's Jake. 21, M. Broke up with my gf of almost 4 years 2 1/2 months ago, full story here (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/563770-can-i-get-her-back) , plus an update in the comments.

Since first posting here , i've noticed people are really caring and i appreciate that to a degree words dont amount to explain.Thank you all not for your replies on my thread/posts but for all your stories and experiences.

Anyways , i spoke with her on the 4th of Jan , try to get things back together twice over the last 2 months , basically saying that i'm gonna move on and that if she changes her mind she knows where to find me.After that i cut all contact.I haven't erased her of anywhere , just unfollowed her on FB , so i don't see her posts.I dont get the urge to call her,text her on go to ther FB page , and even when i do i control myself.

Even since i broke up , i have read articles , threads , posts , watched videos (even subscribed to a series of e-mails) , HELL even bought a ****ing e-book on how to get my ex back (47$ well spent...).What i mean is , i saw a lot of opinions.A LOT of opinions , and a lot of circumstances.A lot of scenarios , some better some worse than mine.What impressed me the most is that almost everyone agrees on going NC and keeping it until they contact you.With the exception of some e-books that one month after you should call her up and say things to remind her of the relationship etc.Like that doesn't scream i want you back.If you didn't you wouldn't text/call.

Anyways , what i saw is that from Corey Wayne's videos and book , i saw that he recommends when she contacts you , you take the opportunity to go on a date on the spot , no matter what she texts.Other than the problem that she studies abroad so even if she does contact i cant close a date , many people here argue that you shouldn't answer to anything less than a "I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER" text.My ex gf isn't a person to say something like that , not because she doesn't feel it but because she doesn't say things like that.She prefers to act.Anyways ,if she contacts it'll probably be stuff like what's up or the sort , which most would consider breadcrumbs but what if the person isn't the kind to say anything more , even though they feel it?

 

Ihave tried to move on since the breakup , met some new friends , some old ones , the same ones i hanged out when we were together. Going to the gym almost daily , doing well at work , trying to do well at college.Haven't dated anyone both because i don't fell ready and because i don't know any girls and a dating site or begging my friends for blind dates just isn't me.I try to keep myself busy , but there those times when i crack.Those times when a smile can't stay on my face or even get there.

In those moments , i feel the deep void inside me.The hole in my chest that keeps screaming out of the agony of being empty.The hole in my heart that , right now , only one person can fill.And she doesn't want to.So i stick with that hole.Try to fill it , be friend it so maybe , someday it'll be ok with how things are.But like a newborn child , it keeps complaining.Like a black hole it sucks everything.I can control it when i'm out with friends , at work or generally outside the house.

But when i come home , loneliness takes hold.I feel a weight above my shoulders, like im lifting 500lbs on my shoulders constantly.I dont want to do anything productive or otherwise.I look inside my heart and ask myself one thing."WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR IT TO GO AWAY?" and the only answer i find is "HER".I'm no idiot i'm not gonna contact her , because sad as i may be at times , i have my dignity and i think myself of quite a catch , arrogant as it may seem.But i want to move on.For ME , and on the off-chance that she comes back.I know , it's hopeless to want to move on for someone else and i want to move on for ME , but the little pixie in my head that whispers "Maybe she'll come back".I try to keep her silent ,but she's always there.

I know that im a great guy and was a good boyfriend , but i can't help but think of her sometimes.

I try to keep my mind off things like "Is she thinking of me? " , "Is she with someone else? " "Is that someone else touching her neck , her legs... " , you get the idea.That's when i flip out. That's when everything is a target for yelling and punching.I opened a hole in my closet once.I look at it sometimes and think "Huh , matches the one inside".

I know i'm really pathetic in doing these things , and i try to move on , TRY.

Thank god , most of the time these thoughts don't enter my mind.But i'm an emotional person , and i have a really good memory , all the good that's done me.

I know i must move on , want her back or not , but i can't help thinking at times "Why?" , "I was good to her" , "I supported her in everything" , "I was there for everything".She was my first.Not just my first love.My first everything.Partner , love , the first woman i fell in love with.The whole holy triad of emotions.I know the things i ask don't matter , and that people change, yet i find myself reading through a random letter i found that she wrote 2 years ago.Filled with love , hope for us and saying i was the love of her life , and i ask myself "Is that the same person?".No.That person has changed.I know that.But for all her change , i still miss her.

They say we miss the idea of them , but it wasn't her idea i was intimate with for 4 years.It wasn't her idea i went on vacations with , it wasn't her idea that called up and told me she loved me or called me "Babe" or "Love".Sure i have thought of myself being with another girl intimately , and it makes me feel ok for a bit , but she was the one i was and want to be with.She was my everything.She was the one i slept with at night , the one i honestly though of as the love of my life.I know this can change , but to change the pain i'm going through has to end.Want her back or not i know i need to move on and never look back.But i miss her.

I know , honestly and it might sound arrogant , that she made a mistake.That she'll regret it.I don't know if she'll come back but i know she'll regret it.Because i was there for her.Me , when we were both 17/18/19/20/21 , and i didn't have to worry about anything in the world , i worried about her.Not just her well-being , her family problems , i tried to help , her college work i tried to contribute everything i could.I'm a programmer , and i stay at home a lot for work (and play) and generally i like staying home , watching movies , playing games etc, and sometimes a was a bit dismissive of her when i was busy and sure , sometimes i was forgetful of a lot of things , but at the end of the day i loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her.Even if that best isn't me anymore...I respect her decision , follish as it may be in my opinion , and i'll always have her in my heart.

When you are in love with someone even if the other person is being mean to you you hear nothing.My friends for months told me she is flakey and mena for no reason at times , because of stress , not that that's a legitimate excuse , i never listened.I loved her.But when she had her doubts she started listening to the words around her, those new friends of hers , who don't know me probably mouthed off.She listened , and in conjuction with her doubt she decided to brake up.I don't know if it was for the "we're young we're studyin away from home , this is where we have fun!! " or some **** like that , or just another guy or another one of 146 different things.

I thought of breaking up some times when we were together , but always dismissed it because at the end of the day i didn't want to lose her...

All my friend tell me things like "Dude let it go already!!" or "Dude , if she'll come back she'll come back" or "****e her man , we're only 21 let's have fun!! ".I'm not that kind of guy.I like being in an intimate relationship with her.Marriage had been talked but not really seriously as none of us were in the time or place for it and even if it did happen it would be years away.But still i enjoyed being that close with someone even thought most guys my age are "Let's party or **** some chicks" and i believe she'll see that all too well, and regret it.I dont want to have this baggage , i dont want to be home and be sad , but be home and be happy or any felling just not this sadness and despair that befalls me every time...I cant stand it anymore!I dont want to cry and materialize my sadness but sometimes i cant help it.I love her , i miss her i wish her all the best and from the bottom of my heart i wish she will change her mind , but i know that has to be on my terms , and to do that i need to move on.Painful as it may be.But i have to move on for ME , to be a better ME than ever and then maybe she'll come back , i don't count on it , but i can't help hoping it , and since it aligns with my long terms goals my mind just cant not think it sometimes.I need to let it go i know , but i dont know how.

Most of you wont read this thread , so not even the other one where i explain everything , but those of you who do , please dont tell me i need to move on for ME , i know that and thats what im doing but people are hopeful beings , that's how we work.I'll let it go in time , but for now i'm focusing on myself , bettering me and the environment around me.Anyone that has any advice or how to cope with the feelings in those moments of sadness? I could really use something to lessen the pain...

Edited January 16, 2016 by Jacob1939

[Almotsaqueen]

I'm sorry your'e going through this. It hurts like hell. As much as you try to keep yourself busy or improve it's still going sting. I think only times lessens it. Sending a big hug.

[Jatli]

I will not tell you to move on.

 

I am probably the last person who would do that. I waited for my ex for 16 long months. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

 

I tried to move on. I joined groups, took up new hobbies, lost a bunch of weight. Did everything I could. I even tried dating but when it would come to actually go out I would back out because I knew it wouldn't be fair to him to get his hopes up when I could never give him what he wanted. I was still in love with my ex. So I waited. I knew he would be back.

 

He left me for someone else but wouldn't admit it but I knew. It was devastating and my heart felt like it was ripped out.

 

The thing I did the most that helped me was keep a journal. Every day I would write a letter to him about how I felt. If I wanted to cry I would cry. Eventually I was able to go out with my girlfriends and have a good time. I travelled and enjoyed myself. But I thought of him every single day.

 

 

I was friendly if I saw him and answered his texts but did not mention us at all. For the first 4 months I tried everything I could to convince him to come back but nothing worked so I went NC. Within 2 months (maybe less) he would text me to ask me something stupid.

 

We would go about 2 more months of NC and he would text or I would see him in the street. Then 16 months later he started showing up where I was and he started texting me more. Then he started asking me out for coffee then over to his place for a drink. We started hanging out with each other more and more.

 

Then one day I just couldn't do it anymore as it was hurting too much to see him. He would hug me and kiss me when he saw me but he was still with her. I just said to him if you don't see us getting back together then let me go. He called me the next day while he was driving and we started talking then I asked him if he was coming back from her place. He said yes. I hung up. He called me when he got home to say that he only went to her place to give her back her keys.

 

We are now back together and taking it slow.

 

He did not come out with "I want you back " like everyone on here says they should but he has made it known by his actions that he is where he always should have been.

 

You are wondering if she thinks of you ? I would say most probably. He told me that he thought of me all the time. Even when he thought he was happy with her.

 

Let her be right now. She is in the honeymoon stage of her relationship and nothing you say will make her change her mind. She is the only one that can do that.

 

Be strong. Don't contact her at all. If she does text you wait until you answer. She can't miss what isn't gone.

[Jack1234]

I'm going through something similar. It seems no matter how hard we try, it doesn't go away. We just want the roller coaster to end. The pain in your heart will not go away soon, time will heal that slowly. But in your mind, there are things you can do to help yourself. First, don't be frustrated with yourself. It's perfectly normal for a loving person to be this upset. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Anyone who tells you to simply move on doesn't understand, so don't be upset at them but simply thank them for their advice. Second, you will feel sadness a lot. You can't make it go away, but you can worsen it. Observe your thoughts instead of interacting with them. Don't fuel this raging fire with more gasoline. And when you can't do that, express them in a positive way. Write, draw, talk to the mirror or better yet a therapist. Third, make a mantra that is something along the lines of "nothing is permanent" or "this will go away some day". Lastly, hug people as much as you can. I hope at least some of my advice helps and that each day you feel a little bit better. Don't ever lose hope. Stay on that surfboard, because eventually the wave will take you to shore.

[Jacob1939]

Appreciate it

[Jacob1939]

Yeah , i know that's what i should do , but sometimes it gets too hard.I really am hoping deep down she'll come back , but i'll move on first and foremost from myself , and if she comes back she comes back if not , it's her loss in the end.But it's stuff like this that prevents you from opening to another person.Thanks for your story , i'll try to keep it im mind , and have a tiny shred of hope , but keep it in check as to not let it interfere with my bettering myself. Thank you so much

[Jacob1939]

@jack1234 I get what you're saying , but it's still 1 1/2 weeks we're not talking at all , so it's still fresh , so to say.Thanks for the advice , i'll keep it at heart

[Jacob1939]

So , just wanted to give a bit of an update.Today marks the 23st day since i last spoke to my ex and basically told her i dont want to be friends, and that if she ever changed her mind she knew where to find me.I'm not writing this to complain about how she hasn't called or whatever, i'm moving on.As i told her , i'll move on with my life , i just made a last attempt to let her back in mine.Anyways , 23 days later , feeling a bit better, i know it's still fresh and it's still early in NC.Had some mood swings , where at one time i'm cool or even happy , the next i'm a bit sad , nostalgic.I miss her , but i know i have to move on with my life.If she so chooses to come back , she'll have to earn her place , but even if that doesn't happen i know that i loved her deeply and i always had her best interests at heart during the relationship , so i'm fairly certain i was good to her.I wish her all the best.Well C'est la vie , i guess.Here's to hope that things will get better with or without her!