He let me walk away.......

[Almotsaqueen]

Let me start by saying, Iv'e never gone online for advise, but seems that there is a lot of good support going on her- so here I am.

 

My story with my love began a year and a half ago. Getting out of an emotionally abusive 10 year marriage with a man who had bipolar disorder. After 9 months of planning I was able to leave with my three children, showing them that I respected myself and them and would not continue to allow this type of treatment.

Fast forward a year- I met a man online. We were both looking for just casual companionship at this point. He also had gotten out of an unmarried, but long term relationship. From the start we were something special. A few months in we were both feeling scared that we felt such deep feelings for each other and had a discussion that maybe we shouldn't continue because both of us were not really ready for a life partner. We decided to just roll with it and see where it went. The next year was spent in bliss. Traveling the world together for work and pleasure. We began working with each other's companies and intermixing our lives. He maintained an apartment with some roommates, but had nearly moved in with us, spending all but 2 days a month here. Our connection kept getting stronger and we were falling even more in love. He has treated me in way I didn't even know people did. His actions toward both me and my children have been nothing short of selfless. From shaving my legs, to putting toothpaste on my tooth brush daily, to painting my girls nails, giving me multiple thousands of dollars (without me asking) while I'm going through a rough business patch, taking me to his families home for weekend trips and holidays. Honestly I would wake up every morning with carefully frothed lattes in bed thinking I was in a fairytale. Not to mention, our sex life is incredible. I honestly thought I found my human, my life partner. We discuss future plans ...how we will have one child together and take them on our adventures with us. We've discussed how we will split time between where my ex is and were we want to move. It all was turning into something really beautiful. We have really never had an argument- only discussion that are easily worked through.

 

A few months back he was talking about finally having a chance to try downhill ski racing. He had seen a 6 week program- across the country, in actually one of my fav cities, the place where we had discussed getting a second home. I was a huge encourager....daily I was on him trying to make sure he followed up to make this a reality. So finally when he decided to go for it, he tells me the program will actually be 4 months long. I was excited for the 6 week, very doable, program not 4 month. This was a different thing. At this point we basically live together and work together- so when one of us is not traveling we have chosen that we enjoy each others company most. I was confused that he was even considering leaving us for 4 months time. For me ...our life was so good I wouldn't have wanted to leave it. This is when I began to think more about our long term goals and started discussions on what we want out of life. I knew in the back of my mind that this was something he had to do for himself and if I ever wanted a full commitment then I would not want to stop him from doing this. I didn't want him to feel regret- as he's always dreamed of making this happen. This is when things started to get hairy. He had expressed to me in the past that he never fully felt committed in any relationship he'd been in. I started to feel his hesitation in making solid verbal plans to be with me long term. He began expressing his concern about being a step dad, one of my children also has bipolar like his father so it is a challenging situation (which he has always handled beautifully). He also was worried about having to deal with my crazy ex for the next 15 years or so ( he is rather disruptive ). So he postpones his departure date by a few weeks and we more or less tabled the conversation as it was the holidays and things were busy. I did question his motives- was he going to return? I needed to hear from him a verbal that we were in fact agreeing to "do life" together and "we" were in his long term plan. He reassured me that we were. He was gone for 10 days- in which we both ached for each other. We had a countdown for his return home for the holidays. He would facetime me from the slopes. We talked all day and all night. It was all the same communication we'd always had, minus the physical interaction, which I missed immensely. He returned for the holidays for 10 blissful days. We were incredible together...again. I din't think I could love him more, but I was. He was putting kids Christmas toys together, cooking holiday meals when we hosted, and treating me like a queen. The last few days of his stay we had a death in the family which involved lots of (my) family time and some stressful stuff. He handled it all with grace. But the last day, he told me he felt a bit suffocated - shoot, I did too. He was referring to all the kid and family responsibilities. We are both very independent people and have always been sure to allow enough space to appreciate each other. But without him having a car here and all the obligations that we had I know it was a bit much. He left the next day to return skiing. When he left again, it reopened all the hurts I had originally about him choosing this over us being together. I just couldn't wrap my brain around why we were doing this. So I think my insecurities began coming out. I have always been secure in myself, not needy, and very go with the flow. So I think I was showing him a side that he wasn't used to- shoot I wasn't used to feeling this way! I opened up the conversation again about what we want out of life....I spent some time digging in myself and clearly wrote our my expectations for my life and potential issues that may arise and how to deal with them. I was very thoughtful and thorough. I wrote this mostly for me, but ended up sharing it with him to assure we were being transparent. We did have the same goals- we wanted to continue to work remotely, traveling a ton, having a baby together, we figured out a timetable for how we'd move to the mountains more fully with my custody agreement. But then we began discussing what would happen when he came home. He said he wasn't ready to move in. From the gate I started I didn't want someone living with me and my children until we were engaged. So I started to talk about marriage. He expressed to me he didn't think he'd ever want to get married. That he really had never been a big believer of it. He said from statistics and family and friends experience it didn't make sense to him. I told him this was something very important to me and despite us having all other things inline I would always want that. I kept thinking to myself ...could I do long term commitment without the actual marriage? I would love to say yes, but in my heart I know I'd long for it. So, I had told him that it really didn't make sense to continue our relationship if this was something that we couldn't come to a resolution on. He begged me to reconsider, but could only assure me by saying " if he would marry anyone it'd be me". He did not say that he wanted to marry me. So we agreed to say goodbye.

So here I am......devastated. Like crazy person devastated. My heart is broken into a million pieces. We are so compatible, so happy, so in love. I'm just confused. He is willing to let me go because of this. I thought he'd fight for me over anything. That he'd be willing to take a look at his fears of marriage. That he wouldn't just let us go. Its typical that words and actions don't line up, but his actions are so right and his words in this case don't make sense. My children tell him they love him....he loves them. We all love each other. I am sick- like ugly cry sick. I can't envision a life without him. I'm not sure how to even get through the next few days. I don't know if I should stop all contact and just let this go- or if I should try to talk though this more. It just doesn't seem that he can give me what I need here. So much of me want to say whatever...let just see how it goes, but I don't want to be regretful if in 5 years when I say it's time to get married he still not ready. I want someone that can't wait to marry me. I'm just so confused. I have been in a haze and have never felt heartbreak like this. Hard to believe people don't actually die from it! I 'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts please. I'm a wreck!

 

Thank you for taking time to read this very long winded post. It was actually therapeutic for me to write it. <3

[Amelie1980]

People wont read this without paragraphs.......

 

 

Let me start by saying, Iv'e never gone online for advise, but seems that there is a lot of good support going on her- so here I am.

 

My story with my love began a year and a half ago. Getting out of an emotionally abusive 10 year marriage with a man who had bipolar disorder. After 9 months of planning I was able to leave with my three children, showing them that I respected myself and them and would not continue to allow this type of treatment.

 

Fast forward a year- I met a man online. We were both looking for just casual companionship at this point. He also had gotten out of an unmarried, but long term relationship. From the start we were something special. A few months in we were both feeling scared that we felt such deep feelings for each other and had a discussion that maybe we shouldn't continue because both of us were not really ready for a life partner.

 

We decided to just roll with it and see where it went. The next year was spent in bliss. Traveling the world together for work and pleasure. We began working with each other's companies and intermixing our lives. He maintained an apartment with some roommates, but had nearly moved in with us, spending all but 2 days a month here. Our connection kept getting stronger and we were falling even more in love. He has treated me in way I didn't even know people did.

 

His actions toward both me and my children have been nothing short of selfless. From shaving my legs, to putting toothpaste on my tooth brush daily, to painting my girls nails, giving me multiple thousands of dollars (without me asking) while I'm going through a rough business patch, taking me to his families home for weekend trips and holidays. Honestly I would wake up every morning with carefully frothed lattes in bed thinking I was in a fairytale. Not to mention, our sex life is incredible.

 

I honestly thought I found my human, my life partner. We discuss future plans ...how we will have one child together and take them on our adventures with us. We've discussed how we will split time between where my ex is and were we want to move. It all was turning into something really beautiful. We have really never had an argument- only discussion that are easily worked through.

 

A few months back he was talking about finally having a chance to try downhill ski racing. He had seen a 6 week program- across the country, in actually one of my fav cities, the place where we had discussed getting a second home. I was a huge encourager....daily I was on him trying to make sure he followed up to make this a reality. So finally when he decided to go for it, he tells me the program will actually be 4 months long. I was excited for the 6 week, very doable, program not 4 month. This was a different thing. At this point we basically live together and work together- so when one of us is not traveling we have chosen that we enjoy each others company most. I was confused that he was even considering leaving us for 4 months time.

 

For me ...our life was so good I wouldn't have wanted to leave it. This is when I began to think more about our long term goals and started discussions on what we want out of life. I knew in the back of my mind that this was something he had to do for himself and if I ever wanted a full commitment then I would not want to stop him from doing this.

 

I didn't want him to feel regret- as he's always dreamed of making this happen. This is when things started to get hairy. He had expressed to me in the past that he never fully felt committed in any relationship he'd been in. I started to feel his hesitation in making solid verbal plans to be with me long term. He began expressing his concern about being a step dad, one of my children also has bipolar like his father so it is a challenging situation (which he has always handled beautifully).

 

He also was worried about having to deal with my crazy ex for the next 15 years or so ( he is rather disruptive ). So he postpones his departure date by a few weeks and we more or less tabled the conversation as it was the holidays and things were busy. I did question his motives- was he going to return? I needed to hear from him a verbal that we were in fact agreeing to "do life" together and "we" were in his long term plan.

 

He reassured me that we were. He was gone for 10 days- in which we both ached for each other. We had a countdown for his return home for the holidays. He would facetime me from the slopes. We talked all day and all night. It was all the same communication we'd always had, minus the physical interaction, which I missed immensely. He returned for the holidays for 10 blissful days. We were incredible together...again. I din't think I could love him more, but I was.

 

He was putting kids Christmas toys together, cooking holiday meals when we hosted, and treating me like a queen. The last few days of his stay we had a death in the family which involved lots of (my) family time and some stressful stuff. He handled it all with grace. But the last day, he told me he felt a bit suffocated - shoot, I did too. He was referring to all the kid and family responsibilities. We are both very independent people and have always been sure to allow enough space to appreciate each other.

 

But without him having a car here and all the obligations that we had I know it was a bit much. He left the next day to return skiing. When he left again, it reopened all the hurts I had originally about him choosing this over us being together. I just couldn't wrap my brain around why we were doing this. So I think my insecurities began coming out. I have always been secure in myself, not needy, and very go with the flow.

 

So I think I was showing him a side that he wasn't used to- shoot I wasn't used to feeling this way! I opened up the conversation again about what we want out of life....I spent some time digging in myself and clearly wrote our my expectations for my life and potential issues that may arise and how to deal with them. I was very thoughtful and thorough.

 

I wrote this mostly for me, but ended up sharing it with him to assure we were being transparent. We did have the same goals- we wanted to continue to work remotely, traveling a ton, having a baby together, we figured out a timetable for how we'd move to the mountains more fully with my custody agreement. But then we began discussing what would happen when he came home. He said he wasn't ready to move in.

 

From the gate I started I didn't want someone living with me and my children until we were engaged. So I started to talk about marriage. He expressed to me he didn't think he'd ever want to get married. That he really had never been a big believer of it. He said from statistics and family and friends experience it didn't make sense to him. I told him this was something very important to me and despite us having all other things inline I would always want that. I kept thinking to myself ...could I do long term commitment without the actual marriage?

 

I would love to say yes, but in my heart I know I'd long for it. So, I had told him that it really didn't make sense to continue our relationship if this was something that we couldn't come to a resolution on. He begged me to reconsider, but could only assure me by saying " if he would marry anyone it'd be me". He did not say that he wanted to marry me. So we agreed to say goodbye.

 

So here I am......devastated. Like crazy person devastated. My heart is broken into a million pieces. We are so compatible, so happy, so in love. I'm just confused. He is willing to let me go because of this. I thought he'd fight for me over anything. That he'd be willing to take a look at his fears of marriage. That he wouldn't just let us go.

 

Its typical that words and actions don't line up, but his actions are so right and his words in this case don't make sense. My children tell him they love him....he loves them. We all love each other. I am sick- like ugly cry sick. I can't envision a life without him. I'm not sure how to even get through the next few days.

 

I don't know if I should stop all contact and just let this go- or if I should try to talk though this more. It just doesn't seem that he can give me what I need here. So much of me want to say whatever...let just see how it goes, but I don't want to be regretful if in 5 years when I say it's time to get married he still not ready.

 

I want someone that can't wait to marry me. I'm just so confused. I have been in a haze and have never felt heartbreak like this. Hard to believe people don't actually die from it! I 'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts please. I'm a wreck!

 

Thank you for taking time to read this very long winded post. It was actually therapeutic for me to write it. <3

[Amelie1980]

He said he didnt want to get married and he meant it and was prepared to end the relationship rather than marry you. He wont change.

 

I started a thread on this over a first dates behavior.....look at the responses.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564084-first-date-s-behavior

[Almotsaqueen]

Thanks for the heads up! Sorry, new here ......long winded ramblings in a haze. I'll edit the OP.

[Almotsaqueen]

He said he didnt want to get married and he meant it and was prepared to end the relationship rather than marry you. He wont change.

 

I started a thread on this over a first dates behavior.....look at the responses.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564084-first-date-s-behavior

 

Thanks for taking time to comment. I didn't want to get married again either...things changed. But your'e right. I guess I need to trust what he says

[Chi townD]

Okay, so he was the perfect guy for you. Cooked meals with you. Treated your kids great. Assembled their Christmas presents. Treated you right. The only thing you seem miffed about his choice to go skiing, which I think it's fine and a little healthy for couples to spend a little time apart to explore other interests.

 

 

But, here's what I gathered and boiled it down to the brass tacks. You threw it away over the fact that he isn't ready to get married RIGHT NOW. He didn't say he didn't want to get married someday, he just wasn't ready RIGHT NOW. But, you kind of pressured him with comments like you don't want to live together unless you're at least engaged.

 

 

I mean, what is the big rush to get married?!?! It's just a piece of paper. I mean, if he's dedicated to you and you're dedicated to him, then why do you need a piece of paper to validate it? Because, it seemed like you were really happy with him. I mean, yeah there are some small things that may have drove you nuts with some of the things he does. But, I'm sure there's a couple of things about you that drove him nuts. But, no relationship is perfect and if the good times outweigh the bad, then that's what most people strive for. I mean, look at Hollywood. All these married celebrity couples that are married usually end up divorced. But, when you look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, they've been together forever! They have grown children together and the have been blissfully unmarried. So, maybe that should tell you something.

 

 

You can have a connection with someone and dedicate yourself to that person without having to make it "official". Because of your desire to make it "official", well...look where you are now. Heartbroken and miserable. Over what? A piece of paper?

[Almotsaqueen]

Thanks for reading my novel and taking time to respond. It's much appreciated.

 

I guess I needed to clarify that. I in no way said I wanted to get married now. Not even soon for that matter and I expressed that to him. When I brought it up...he said he wasn't ready for marriage in the next year to which I responded neither was I.

 

Honestly, Its not something that we would have even discussed for a good long while if I didn't have have children to think about. We are both very go with the flow.

 

His temporary relocation made me take a look at my long term goals and I felt it was a good idea to talk in more concrete terms to be sure that putting us through this LDR made sense. I'm speaking about years from now- do we want the same things. I am totally content where we are at this moment...I'm fine with him not moving in, I'm fine with no idea when we'd get married. It is just the fact that he's not sure he'll ever want to get married. He said he might but he can't be certain.

 

We are really happy as things stand. I wanted to hammer out all the vague things we discussed earlier on. I mean if "someday" I want to get married and he never does then our values don't really line up. It doesn't make sense to have my kiddos get more attached to him knowing that ultimately we want different things. Does that make sense?

 

My concern now is that he's just letting us go. I mean we've been discussing this for a week. I have been traveling and have also created some space with us as well while we figure this out. So we've had less than normal contact. Finally last night I felt we weren't getting anywhere so I said goodbye. He responded " I have a feeling. I don't think we'll ever say goodbye. Your'e my baby" So whatever that means:o I

[Almotsaqueen]

Oh and I''m happy and proud of his skiing- truly ( he won his first race out! ).....I was just encouraging the 6 week training program and didn't realize it was the full season. We both travel lots so its doable, just made me question where he stood on some big relationship goals- which is how we got here ;-(

Edited January 12, 2016 by Almotsaqueen

[Chi townD]

 

His temporary relocation made me take a look at my long term goals and I felt it was a good idea to talk in more concrete terms to be sure that putting us through this LDR made sense. I'm speaking about years from now- do we want the same things. I am totally content where we are at this moment...I'm fine with him not moving in, I'm fine with no idea when we'd get married. It is just the fact that he's not sure he'll ever want to get married. He said he might but he can't be certain.

 

We are really happy as things stand. I wanted to hammer out all the vague things we discussed earlier on. I mean if "someday" I want to get married and he never does then our values don't really line up. It doesn't make sense to have my kiddos get more attached to him knowing that ultimately we want different things. Does that make sense?

 

 

 

Of course it makes sense. And I do realize that there are kids involved and you don't want them exposed to an array of different men coming and going in and out of their lives. A lot of women won't introduce a man to her kids unless she certain that the relationship is actually going somewhere. I totally get that and I'm completely on board with that.

 

 

You have to think about your kids because they should be the single most important thing to you. But, you also have to think about your happiness. You can't live your life just for your kids.

 

 

And years from now will you want the same things? The answer is NO! You won't! I mean, think about it. The things you wanted out of life when you were a teenager were way different then what you wanted when you reached your twenties. And what you want in your twenties is probably different then what you want in your thirties. Our wants and desires change when we get older and mature. The trick is, compromising with each other an coming to a happy median when these changes occur. No one knows what the future is going to hold, but you need to face those changes and challenges together and compromise.

[Almotsaqueen]

Of course it makes sense. And I do realize that there are kids involved and you don't want them exposed to an array of different men coming and going in and out of their lives. A lot of women won't introduce a man to her kids unless she certain that the relationship is actually going somewhere. I totally get that and I'm completely on board with that.

 

 

You have to think about your kids because they should be the single most important thing to you. But, you also have to think about your happiness. You can't live your life just for your kids.

 

 

And years from now will you want the same things? The answer is NO! You won't! I mean, think about it. The things you wanted out of life when you were a teenager were way different then what you wanted when you reached your twenties. And what you want in your twenties is probably different then what you want in your thirties. Our wants and desires change when we get older and mature. The trick is, compromising with each other an coming to a happy median when these changes occur. No one knows what the future is going to hold, but you need to face those changes and challenges together and compromise.

 

You make some valid points. I am 37 and have been through a few LTR. After my divorce I did a lot of work on myself. I did a lot of soul searching and defining what I wanted out of life.

 

I did think this was the one that I would grow old with which is why he became such a part of the family.

 

Marriage to me isn't just a piece of paper. It is a solid commitment to work harder for each other. It is much easier mentally to detach from a boyfriend than a husband. I feel we have done such a great job on our relationship that I want us to continue to work hard even when times get tough. You could argue that you can do that without marriage- and yes you can, but that extra layer to protect our relationship is important to me. I feel it creates a psychological change that you are a unit.

 

 

Your point about compromise is an interesting one. Growing together, hmph. As our needs change just keep communicating. Sounds about right. I'm just scared to make another mistake. At the end of the day I'd love to have a partner to do life with...grow old with. I really don't want to start over at this age if we can't ever work this out.

 

You definitely gave me some things to think on though...thank you!

Edited January 12, 2016 by Almotsaqueen

[Chi townD]

 

Marriage to me isn't just a piece of paper. It is a solid commitment to work harder for each other. It is much easier mentally to detach from a boyfriend than a husband. I feel we have done such a great job on our relationship that I want us to continue to work hard even when times get tough. You could argue that you can do that without marriage- and yes you can, but that extra layer to protect our relationship is important to me. I feel it creates a psychological change that you are a unit.

 

 

 

Are you saying that you are incapable of garnering a solid relationship without a piece of paper? And if you think that it's easier to detach from a boyfriend than it is a husband, then I invite you to read some other peoples threads that are a complete mess and blubbering piles of goo because of a loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend.

[Almotsaqueen]

Are you saying that you are incapable of garnering a solid relationship without a piece of paper? And if you think that it's easier to detach from a boyfriend than it is a husband, then I invite you to read some other peoples threads that are a complete mess and blubbering piles of goo because of a loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

Not at all. What I am saying is that marriage is something I value, both spiritually and practically. I know I worked my tail off to save my marriage, but had it been a boyfriend, I would have thrown in the towel much sooner. I think when you stand and publicly make a commitment you are more tied to it. I have no desire for a wedding or any hoopla. It is about us. Its about being more accountable in my eyes.

 

And for the record ;-) I am almost more of an emotional mess dealing with this than I was dealing with the loss of my marriage. When you love someone you love them ...doesn't matter if you are married or not, it hurts like crazy.

 

Thanks again for all of your incite. Making me ponder some things. Just what I was hoping or when I posted here

[Amelie1980]

We didnt incite you. We gave you insight.

 

I agree, a great relationship and you throw it away for the sake of marrying again.

[sowhynot]

Possibly being a little harsh on the OP ?

 

For some people, marriage is 'just' a piece of paper, for others is a lot more important - in the same way that religion or spirituality is.

 

Likewise, I'm not sure I'd refer to BF as 'letting you walk away' - maybe for whatever reason, he has just as strong views against marriage as the OP has for ! I would suggest that in fact, you are both walking away from each other

 

Perhaps it's time for a real talk through on this - with hopefully both parties respecting each others views and trying to see it from their perspectives.

 

Unfortunately, if both of you feel there's no common ground or compromise possible, than it's probably going to have to end.

Edited January 13, 2016 by sowhynot
Incorrect OP quote

[wendieann]

I am so sorry to hear about this. Especially when you thought you found THE one! I also know the feeling. Message me if you want. I'll chat more when I have some time. Gotta head to work. Me

[Almotsaqueen]

Thought I come back with an update for you all.....

 

So we finally had an honest discussion. I basically said- I have thick skin, I can handle the truth. Something more had to be going on other than not wanting marriage. My thoughts were right.

 

Stepping into being a step dad of the three little and what he envisioned being married was not the same thing I was thinking. I never lead him to believe that I want to be "settled down", but he interpreted commitment that way.

 

I am very much a free spirit, an artist by profession, and have always very much enjoyed exploring. His views were that when you get married all of that stops. The traveling stops, independent time stops, basically he thought we'd be stuck in a small town going to soccer games and The Olive Garden on Friday nights, which I'm sure is great for some but that's not what he (or I for that matter) was envisioning.

 

So once we talked through a time line of how we'd plan our life from how to still encourage independent selves through travel and passions, then when to have a child, to when we can relocate my youngest two kiddos to the place where we want to raise our baby, he wasn't just in agreement but excited to do all of this together. He said he can't wait to marry me.

 

Turns out his hesitation in telling me his fears almost tore up a really great thing. He is flying me out Monday where we will be together for a week, and the week after we will be heading to Jamaica.

 

He keeps calling me telling me how excited he is about our future. I am too.

 

Thanks for all of your thoughts on this matter- it really helped me push through when I kind of had a wall up.

Edited January 16, 2016 by Almotsaqueen