meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Trying to understand dating and men thinking vs. women thinking -- You fight. Guy retrieves to his cave to think about what went wrong and what can be done to improve the situation. Obviously there is a cool off period and you don't talk for a day or two. Then you find out the girl is back on an online dating site. You say "!!!???" and she says "I thought you broke up with me!" When is something a fight and when is it a break up?
Maggie4 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 She doesn't really think he broke up with her. She is just upset that he has not reached out for two days.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Trying to understand dating and men thinking vs. women thinking -- You fight. Guy retreats to his cave to think about what went wrong and what can be done to improve the situation. Obviously there is a cool off period and you don't talk for a day or two. Then you find out the girl is back on an online dating site. You say "!!!???" and she says "I thought you broke up with me!" When is something a fight and when is it a break up? That's when the break-up happened. Not because you retreated, but because you had very poor communication skills. Women like to hash everything out and express themselves. Nothing is more frustrating than having a need to discuss things in the open, with a blank wall, because the guy withdraws and won't talk. Sometimes women just need to be heard. They don't necessarily want things fixed, there and then, but they need to be heard, and should be listened to. Any retreat from a situation where a woman is not being given an opportunity to express her thoughts, feelings and emotions, is (in her mind) rude, and belittles her input. "You" might feel that a 'cooling-off' period is appropriate, and ok, if that's what you want to do, fine: BUT: you have to communicate that and reach a compromise. Take responsibility for your part, own your feelings and say: "OK, I don't want to talk about this right now, it smarts too much, and I'm afraid I'll say something hasty, that I will regret. I'm really quite pi$$ed right now, but it's (let's say, for example) Tuesday today. I promise we can set aside time on Thursday, maybe go out for a bite to eat, and talk this over calmly. Would you agree to that?" That way, you both know where you stand. 7
Buddhist Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Trying to understand dating and men thinking vs. women thinking -- You fight. Guy retrieves to his cave to think about what went wrong and what can be done to improve the situation. Obviously there is a cool off period and you don't talk for a day or two. Then you find out the girl is back on an online dating site. You say "!!!???" and she says "I thought you broke up with me!" When is something a fight and when is it a break up? Guys who go silent when SHTF piss me off no end. It's like them sulking and saying....I don't want to know your side of things, I'm too busy being pissy and giving you the silent treatment. Yeah I'd put myself back on a dating site too. 4
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Guys who go silent when SHTF piss me off no end. It's like them sulking and saying....I don't want to know your side of things, I'm too busy being pissy and giving you the silent treatment. Yeah I'd put myself back on a dating site too. Giving someone a 'silent treatment' sounds like someone is perfectly calm and collected but purposely avoiding or not talking to the other person to achieve a desired result -- which seems manipulative. That wasn't what I was saying.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 That's when the break-up happened. Not because you retreated, but because you had very poor communication skills. Women like to hash everything out and express themselves. Nothing is more frustrating than having a need to discuss things in the open, with a blank wall, because the guy withdraws and won't talk. Sometimes women just need to be heard. They don't necessarily want things fixed, there and then, but they need to be heard, and should be listened to. Any retreat from a situation where a woman is not being given an opportunity to express her thoughts, feelings and emotions, is (in her mind) rude, and belittles her input. "You" might feel that a 'cooling-off' period is appropriate, and ok, if that's what you want to do, fine: BUT: you have to communicate that and reach a compromise. Take responsibility for your part, own your feelings and say: "OK, I don't want to talk about this right now, it smarts too much, and I'm afraid I'll say something hasty, that I will regret. I'm really quite pi$$ed right now, but it's (let's say, for example) Tuesday today. I promise we can set aside time on Thursday, maybe go out for a bite to eat, and talk this over calmly. Would you agree to that?" That way, you both know where you stand. Interesting and useful. Thank you. Say you are talking to her on the phone and she hangs up on you (for no valid reason other than acting immature & spoiled). She calls again and expects you to pick up the call like nothing disrespectful happened. You are pretty upset with the way you are treated and in no mood to talk to say "I am too angry to talk right now. Let's discuss what just happened on Tuesday." Okay, maybe that example is a bit soft. But what if the issue for the fight is much more serious and it upset you greatly? If it is offensive and destructive enough (to create a big fight) I often find myself in "How can she say something like that?" type of behavior and relationship analysis before I can get myself ready to talk to her objectively. It is not because I am too angry to calm down but more like I have been thinking about a way to express why I felt something was not okay, why I was hurt, and how can I get her to see that from my point of view so it doesn't happen again. It takes a while. Not too much. Day, two, three maybe. Is that on me? Imagine cheating (not that I am saying this is what happened) but imagine you found out something shocking ... can you be calm and communicative enough to say something like "This is not over but I am going to take some time off before we talk about this" or would you just storm off and think about what just happened, until you can talk to her.
basil67 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 If I tried to contact him during the time he was in his cave and he refused to speak with me, I'd assume it was over. And even if it wasn't over in his view, I'd end it. I have no time for a man who refuses to speak. Sure, take a few hours to mull something over - but not 2-3 days I went through this with a guy once and will never do it again. That being said, if my (your) partner is immature and spoiled and says things so offensive and destructive that I couldn't speak civilly for a few days, I wouldn't bother returning. Between her destructive behaviour and you going AWOL in response this doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Go find a woman who can behave like a grown up 1
basil67 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I just read your previous post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/565255-mean-things-said-during-fight-there-more Looking back at your previous thread - she dumped you during the fight. There is no doubt that she viewed the relationship as over before you went AWOL. Therefore, she was totally within her rights to be back online. As for "I didn't mean what I said" stuff she comes back with....it's just bollocks. She had every intention of hurting you with as much viciousness as she could. Do not give a person who behaves like this a second chance.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 I just read your previous post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/565255-mean-things-said-during-fight-there-more Looking back at your previous thread - she dumped you during the fight. There is no doubt that she viewed the relationship as over before you went AWOL. Therefore, she was totally within her rights to be back online. As for "I didn't mean what I said" stuff she comes back with....it's just bollocks. She had every intention of hurting you with as much viciousness as she could. Do not give a person who behaves like this a second chance. If the break-up was during the fight (due to the harsh and hurtful language used) and the subsequent "I didn't mean what I said" claim is bollocks, I don't understand why she kept calling me and leaving me sincere semicrying voicemails about how so so so sorry she is, and how she swears she didn't mean it, and she still loves me etc. You are either on a dating site or making amends to save the relationship. Not both. So, very confusing.
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 To me it's a break up when the words "we're breaking up" or similar language is used. Until that is specified, it's a fight. That said, when she said she thought you were broken up, you were broken up because as a participant in the relationship when she perceived it to be over, it was over. Because she made that decision, let this relationship be over. 2
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 To me it's a break up when the words "we're breaking up" or similar language is used. Until that is specified, it's a fight. That said, when she said she thought you were broken up, you were broken up because as a participant in the relationship when she perceived it to be over, it was over. Because she made that decision, let this relationship be over. I was also under the impression that it is a break up only if (at least) one party specifically mentions the words 'break up' or 'it's over', but in today's ghosting dating world I guess one needs to be careful with the amount of incommunicado period. Apparently some people consider that your way of breaking up (even when they don't want to break up and when you didn't break up). It is interesting to see how males and females think differently on this.
Wewon Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Its a break up depending on the topic of conversation, discussions of moving on, breaking up, seeing other people constitute a break up. I would even say threats of breaking up can be construed that way. That's if you want to be specific and make an official date on the calendar. Now a general sign that it would be good to call it a break up is when the fights become too persistent and redundant. Especially if they never seem to be resolved. My ex loved to fight, she would argue all of the time over anything. Differing of opinions on a news story, the definition of the word 'fight', she even needed to "have a word with me" because of the music that I listened to. In all fairness I was still indoctrinated in the school of pop culture and relationship books, the whole, 'men are defective women' line of thought. So instead of drawing the line based on how miserable I was, followed the rules of guru's everywhere and tried to listen and hear her out, not try to fix it, see if we could "agree to disagree" and it felt like I was throwing gas on a fire. Long story short, if you two are having a fight more than twice, its time to find a way to kill the subject or the relationship it doesn't matter which one.
Buddhist Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) Giving someone a 'silent treatment' sounds like someone is perfectly calm and collected but purposely avoiding or not talking to the other person to achieve a desired result -- which seems manipulative. That wasn't what I was saying. It may not be what you intend, but it's how it looks to the other person involved if you don't communicate otherwise. That's what I'm saying. The other person isn't in your head, doesn't know the reasons for things, all they can see is the behaviour which looks the same either way. Edited January 12, 2016 by Buddhist
preraph Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) You can't force someone to have good communication skills, but you can get on with your life while they're still ruminating on what to do. Usually a prolonged silence is nothing more than manipulation, waiting to see if they can get their way, but sometimes people genuinely need some time to calm down. If this takes a few days, it's probably time for anger management or couples counseling. Depends entirely on what you're fighting about and if there's a clear culprit or not. But if the culprit doesn't come round and apologize or at least be open to discussing things calmly in a few days, I'd make plans with friends for the weekend rather than chasing him/her down and prostrating myself before them. And if you are the culprit, if you think you can change your behavior in the future, apologize and talk calmly about it to see if you can resolve the matter. Edited January 12, 2016 by preraph
basil67 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 If the break-up was during the fight (due to the harsh and hurtful language used) and the subsequent "I didn't mean what I said" claim is bollocks, I don't understand why she kept calling me and leaving me sincere semicrying voicemails about how so so so sorry she is, and how she swears she didn't mean it, and she still loves me etc. You are either on a dating site or making amends to save the relationship. Not both. So, very confusing. Have no doubt - she meant it at the time. If she didn't mean it, she wouldn't have been online straight after and looking for new blood. What you are seeing now is her changing her mind about wanting to dump you. Frankly, she'd have more credibility if she actually admitted that she did intend to break up with you and has since changed her mind. You said that she's spoiled and immature. Well this whole business of acting appallingly and then begging forgiveness just reiterates how immature she is. This girl has obviously never had to suffer consequences for her behaviour and this is why she thinks that she should get another chance. Nobody has ever said to her "no, I will not allow you to do this to me again" Take her back if you want. But know that if you do, this behaviour will repeat itself. Thing is, taking her back tells her that you're Ok with what she did.
kismetkismet Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 a break up is a break up when you say it is.. however it sounds like the two of you don't have very good communication. Did you TELL her that you were taking a couple of days to cool off or did you just ignore her for 2 days. I've never had a guy deal with a fight in that manner ever.. I know that sometimes you do need time to cool off and don't need to hash every little detail out right away, but if i got in a big fight with a guy and he just dropped off the face of the earth and didn't even text me to check in... i'd break up with him. SHE should have confirmed with you that things were over before joining a dating site though.. so it seems like poor communication on both your parts. How long have you been dating, and how did the argument end? Did she try to reach out while you were "cooling off?"
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 It may not be what you intend, but it's how it looks to the other person involved if you don't communicate otherwise. That's what I'm saying. The other person isn't in your head, doesn't know the reasons for things, all they can see is the behaviour which looks the same either way. That's true. If I need 24 -48 hours to calm down I would tell that to somebody I was dating but mad at. It is not fair to expect somebody to read your mind.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Interesting and useful. Thank you. Say you are talking to her on the phone and she hangs up on you (for no valid reason other than acting immature & spoiled). She calls again and expects you to pick up the call like nothing disrespectful happened. You are pretty upset with the way you are treated and in no mood to talk to say "I am too angry to talk right now. Let's discuss what just happened on Tuesday." Okay, maybe that example is a bit soft. But what if the issue for the fight is much more serious and it upset you greatly? If it is offensive and destructive enough (to create a big fight) I often find myself in "How can she say something like that?" type of behavior and relationship analysis before I can get myself ready to talk to her objectively. It is not because I am too angry to calm down but more like I have been thinking about a way to express why I felt something was not okay, why I was hurt, and how can I get her to see that from my point of view so it doesn't happen again. It takes a while. Not too much. Day, two, three maybe. Is that on me? Imagine cheating (not that I am saying this is what happened) but imagine you found out something shocking ... can you be calm and communicative enough to say something like "This is not over but I am going to take some time off before we talk about this" or would you just storm off and think about what just happened, until you can talk to her. Sorry to come back to this so late, and I appreciate others have responded, and I haven't read all the replies. But I did see the link to your previous thread, which puts this thread in a new light, so I'll just give a quick reply: Slamming the phone down on someone is as manipulative as a guy retreating to his man-cave, but is more rude, I believe. It's not only refusing to engage or listen, it's controlling: "This discussion is over for now because I say so." My mother did that to me a couple of times until one day, I told her to never slam the phone down on me again. It's rude, controlling, childish and disrespectful, and frankly said more about her than I. She never did it again. With regard to this particular incident, I really think you need to call it a day with this woman and consider it all off. She's behaved appallingly and said things that in all honesty, would have made me be relieved to be rid of her for good.
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