meanthingsisaid Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Analyze this for me: During a fight, the girl I'm dating said: "I was treated like gold right before I got involved with you and all you have done is to make me miss the guy before you who thankfully still wants me." which she later apologized for, as she always does, but I feel like this was too low of a blow (rather than something said at the heat of the moment) and I am not sure if I should believe her (that she didn't mean it) and go back to her. Besides the "Who talks to someone they love about another guy in a comparison manner?" "miss the guy before you" "thankfully" and "still wants me" (she wasn't supposed to be in touch) bothered me the most. Was this something mean she said to hurt me during a fight or was the fight somehow unconsciously originated from the fact that there was something going on in the background.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Something more is going on in the background. I have never uttered something like during an argument with a boyfriend. She is either sneaking around behind your back, hurting you to be a jerk, or both. Sorry, but I wouldn't stay with someone who fights this dirty.
Qboro90 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 While I'll say that during arguments, a lot that's said by people is done so because they know the insecurities and areas that would hurt them the most so they purposely say things they know will hurt. Usually it's not something that's heartfelt and anything they mean seriously, it's just meant to garner a reaction. That being said, your gf comments were definitely a low blow and uncalled for. You need to bring up how regardless of if she apologized and meant it or not, you can't help but disregard how telling it was of her mindset and feelings about your relationship. It alludes to the fact that she's still in communication with her ex and that he's telling her he wants her back. If that's the case then you need to find out and end things because your gf is not a good person. 1
newmoon Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 most people cannot 'fight fair' - it's a skill that thousands of therapists work with couples every day on. to not say mean/hurtful things to your partner. i would give her a pass this time - assuming there are no other red flags. she is/was obviously hurt and was expressing that, and many times in anger (like when drunk) - people say things they regret and/or don't really mean deep down. but you should mention that it was hurtful and clarify if she really meant that stuff, or if she was just angry and spewing out things.
Redhead14 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Analyze this for me: During a fight, the girl I'm dating said: "I was treated like gold right before I got involved with you and all you have done is to make me miss the guy before you who thankfully still wants me." which she later apologized for, as she always does, but I feel like this was too low of a blow (rather than something said at the heat of the moment) and I am not sure if I should believe her (that she didn't mean it) and go back to her. Besides the "Who talks to someone they love about another guy in a comparison manner?" "miss the guy before you" "thankfully" and "still wants me" (she wasn't supposed to be in touch) bothered me the most. Was this something mean she said to hurt me during a fight or was the fight somehow unconsciously originated from the fact that there was something going on in the background. I will tell you this, if a couple fights in a relationship everyday even, it isn't the fighting that will end the relationship. It is the way they fight. As soon as the fight goes off topic and goes to hurtfulness, it robs the couple of the ability to resolve the issue effectively and causes it to boil in the background forever. Conflict resolution skills are extremely important to the success of a relationship. It is unacceptable for her to say anything like that to you and you can and should let her know that. Her apology is moot, by the way, if she continues to say hurtful, off topic things during an argument. You should let her know that when/if you two argue and that reference is made again or hurtful things are put out there, you will not entertain the discussion further until cooler heads prevail and do that every time she resorts to that. However, I wouldn't tolerate it very often after this, that's for sure. All that being said, I would open a calm discussion with her to get clarity about that statement. It's possible she just said it in anger without thinking, but it may also have been some kind of freudian slip . . . which is basically the same thing but with truth behind it . . .
Maggie4 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Guy who (mistakenly) thought I was cheating on him, said something similar to me. But it didn't hurt me, because I saw it as him telling me he's not desperate, that he has other options. My reaction was to reassure him, yes, I know you are an attractive man that other woman want, and I am not unappreciative of you, etc. etc. (Relationship ended anyway because of his low self esteem). I don't see it as attempt to hurt you, but attempt to tell you that she feels you don't value her (in a roundabout way: if you don't value me, others will). Often fights are about people feeling unvalued, unappreciated. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) When people say unforgettably mean things during an argument, it does incredible damage. I had some friends who threatened divorce every time they had a serious argument. About every six months or so, my friend would call me and tell me about the fight and what was said. I told her once that if they didn't stop saying such horrible things to one another, they were going to end up divorced. Guess where they are today? Divorced and hating one another. The strange thing is, some time after their divorce, when I mentioned to my friend about how often they fought and the things they said, she denied that they said those things so often. After we talked about it for awhile, she realized that it was true. I personally do not believe in saying anything to anyone that you wish you could take back, especially to your SO. Your gf has shown you what it will be like if you marry her. I hate to say it, but you're in a very toxic relationship and you should put an end to it. Edited January 11, 2016 by bathtub-row 2
mrldii Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Agree with bathtub, OP...two separate issues: *that she may or may not be still in contact with (and wanting) an ex; and *that she's perfectly capable of - and willing to - say deliberately hurtful things in the heat of an argument because she's "mad". Either/or, it's toxic.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Is this recoverable? Once the relationship is toxic, is there a way to bring it back to a healthy platform?
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 I forgot to add. During that sequence, she also said "Thanks for freeing me. Now I WILL go back to dating and wind up with someone I am supposed to be with." I thought "freeing" meant maybe she sees the relationship as a prison and the capitalized WILL told me she can't wait to go date people which is terrible. Of course she now tells me "Can we please talk. I am so sorry for the things I said to you. I promise I didn't mean it." It's pretty messed up. As some of you said, even if I accept the apology there is always going to be a question mark on the back of my mind now. That is not how normal people react.
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Is this recoverable? Once the relationship is toxic, is there a way to bring it back to a healthy platform? No. Stop wasting your time and life.
sin miedo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Is this recoverable? Once the relationship is toxic, is there a way to bring it back to a healthy platform? Run, run, run like an antelope!
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