I thought I was doing ok...

[Cymbeline]

'I suppose that is one way you could look at it - if one was to assume I did not.'

 

I don't really know what to say. Are you saying that you monitored his marital correspondence and conversations?

 

 

That you earlier placed the word 'justified ' in inverted commas suggests you are beginning to realise that your justifications may have been self serving and probably illogical.

 

There is an interesting book: The Single Woman-Married Man Syndrome: Masochism, Ambivalence, Splitting, Vulnerability, and Self-Deception: Amazon.co.uk: Richard Tuch: 9780765702449: Books

 

Written by a psychoanalyst at George Washington University. You may find it interesting to throw some light on the situation you find yourself in.

[heartwhole]

...Let's propose as a scenario my xMM actually left his marriage, not to be with me, just decided to be on his own. Let's then suppose he mets someone new, and he tells that person he had previously in his last marriage had an affair. By your conclusion does that mean that new person should reject him? Assume once a liar and cheat always a liar and cheat? As if that is what we should all adopt then I feel very sad and hopeless for that.

 

I would. Or at least, I would be very cautious. Because I would consider that a flaw that's not likely to change, like alcoholism. And really, I'd just consider it a difference in values. There are plenty of nice people who don't have as much integrity as I want in a mate. There's a spectrum of honest behavior, and if you went down the road of cheating and lying to cover it up, then you are not getting an A rating, that's for sure. Because the whole "I was unhappy, my wife was cold and distant, we didn't have sex" excuse machine is based on the premise that it's OK to violate your own morals if you are unhappy. Or worse, it reveals a lack of morals to begin with.

 

I've thought about this very question. If I met my husband today and knew he cheated on his imaginary ex-wife, would I consider dating him? Many women would, with all the things he's got going for him - high income, intelligent, handsome, charming, athletic. But I believe I wouldn't. I am very risk averse. In fact, when I met my husband at age 18, we flirted a lot and went out two nights in a row. THEN he called me to tell me that he hoped I wasn't getting the wrong impression, but he was dating someone. I shut that down pronto. I avoided him for three whole months, even though he broke up with her the very next day. I was just a teenager, but the idea that he could be a player and not safe to trust was blaring in my mind. So maybe I made the wrong choice when I finally let him in.

 

I'm just a very honest person. We own rental properties, and we pay more to do it right even if it's much more expensive for us. We are kicking out some party tenants who always pay on time because we believe we have a moral obligation to the neighbors who were so considerate in putting up with our construction. We found our forever home on our own and it was a FSBO, but we wrote our realtor a check for $6k out of our pocket because we valued the work he had done for us already and are honest people. That's just who I am. While my husband is not as extreme as I am in all my dealings, he has always valued the way we live with integrity. When we have ignored my inner compass and followed his instincts instead, we invariably screw things up and pay big for it.

 

Back to your scenario. So this newly single ex-MM meets a single woman and tells her his story. He was unhappy, his wife was frigid, and so on and so forth. She will think she is different, she will think she can save him, she will think that his particular circumstances justified his actions. But the truth is that no circumstances justify an affair. Now this MM is divorced so we know that he actually didn't have a real impediment to getting divorced back when he chose to cheat instead. He cheated because of his weaknesses -- he's a conflict avoider, he seeks instant gratification, he doesn't care who he hurts as long as he's happy, he puts himself first, he has no problem with lying, etc. So sure, maybe he won't cheat on this new girlfriend, but the weaknesses still remain. And I'd guess that only a fraction of cheaters gain the self-awareness and have the motivation to change at their core. It's possible, sure. That's what I'm hoping for with my WH. But it's unlikely.

[heartwhole]

If it matters, my WH says he didn't lie to the OW. I believe that because he said it in the early days when he didn't have much insight on how his comments might be hurtful and seemed to think there was some honor in that. But I did not see the honor in it. If he had had honor, he would have said, "I'm so flattered by your feelings. But I won't disrespect you by asking you to be in an illicit relationship with me." Then he should have either ended or worked on his marriage.

[Shadowburn]

Oh Adoraxx, I really wish you would not continue to look at things this way. I know the pain you have in your heart. And I know what it does to your own self-esteem. It will eat at you and eat at you, until there is no you left. I know because I have been there. Left devastated, standing alone, wondering WTH just happened. Abandoned, dumped, whatever you want to call it. But I have learned over time that I was not looking at things correctly. Want to know what I believe?

 

I believe that MEN follow WOMEN. Men invented this thing called marriage, along with marriage proposals, to make women believe that THEY are the commodity, THEY are the desireable ones, and that women must compete with others for the affections of a man. But in reality, it is women who hold the key to life, women are the builders and creators, and women are the ones who hold the visions of the future. Not men.

 

Men are the taskers, the ones who need to show their purpose and their usefulness. Men need women to give them direction and purpose for being. For without that, what are men for? They are the worker bees and we are the queens, just like in the beehive.

 

So women need to have strong vision. They need to know what they want. And women need to do all the work to plan how life will be. If that vision includes a man, you have to spell that out for them. You have to give them instructions for how to carry out that vision. You can't let them decide what the vision will be, because if you do, he will make the wrong decisions. And any man left idle for too long will eventually seek out another woman, one who has a strong vision and knows what she wants him to do. I also believe that a man goes away, all it means is that you ran out of use for him.

 

Crying over a man or lamenting that a man is gone is NOT in line with your true self. Your true self is a designer and a desirer; you have only to tell them your desires. But if you can't, he will know you have no use for him, and will move along until he finds someone who does. You're wasting time and energy lamenting the loss of someone you had no use for, to help you achieve what your soul desires. He's gone because you were done with him. NOT because he was done with you.

 

Are you ready to stop feeling bad? Time to leave him in your dust. Next!

 

Awesome post, 13hearts

[13Hearts]

It's not ridiculous to look at accounts for which you are both responsible. That's part of being a responsible adult. If my spouse wanted access to money that he never had to be accountable for, I would view that as a red flag, not just because he's probably hiding something but because he's not being a good steward of our financial security.

 

After an affair the pendulum of security and openness has swung all the way to an extreme of inappropriateness and secrecy. A couple seeking to reconcile must make mutual decisions about swinging the pendulum back to a place of openness and sharing. Any checking that the betrayed spouse does during this time is an understandable reaction to learning that their spouse is not trustworthy. Setting guidelines for how both spouses will interact with members of the opposite sex is a means for them to identify pitfalls that will endanger their goal of a long, happy marriage and to strategize how to avoid them.

 

It's absolutely a fallacy to believe that I can stop my husband from cheating. That's his responsibility alone. But now that he wants to fix our marriage and remain married to me forever, we can brainstorm together what our ideal marriage looks like and how to make that happen. In an ideal marriage, we'd both share with each other because we want to, not because we have to. We wouldn't have secret friends because we'd so bonded that the idea would be preposterous.

 

It's also a fallacy to suggest that I am responsible for my husband not becoming bitter. That's his responsibility alone. If he feels suffocated then he can and should bring this up and seek a solution with me. If he views me as some enemy who must be thwarted rather than his greatest ally, then we should call it quits.

 

I've seen sentiments like yours on other OW threads, saying they'd never be in a ridiculous relationship/prison like this, but I find it curious that they are knowingly participating in a relationship with a liar and a cheater. That was never anything that I agreed to, and when I discovered after 17 years that I was in a relationship with one, I thought through what I felt was needed to restore the balance and provide security. I don't have a phone mirroring app, I don't have a GPS tracker or VAR, I haven't asked for a polygraph. I have an innate respect for my husband's personhood and privacy, trumped only by my respect for my own. I have never hidden any friendships from him and I expect the same in return. Our end goal is a relationship where neither of us feels the need to check up on the other, but the access is always there. I would argue that the access itself is a key to allowing one to feel that it isn't necessary check.

 

It's all very well and good to worry about the cheater and his rights and feelings. Goodness knows he does. But this is about my fundamental right to autonomy over my body. I have a right to know if I am having sex with someone who is not monogamous. When my WH took that right away from me, he destroyed my ability to trust his judgment and integrity. For reasons not relevant to this discussion, we have both decided that reconciliation is a reasonable and desired outcome. Now we take steps together to forge a new relationship based on mutual goals and respect, with an eye to where things went wrong before.

I wasn't saying it is ridiculous for you to check up on him or check accounts or what have you. I was saying it's ridiculous that you HAVE TO. If reconciliation is your goal, more power to you. I have just learned for myself, because I have been there, that I simply will not do that. There is no man and no relationship on earth that I would do that for. IDK how you successfully get trust back into a relationship that has been damaged that badly, and to tell the truth it sounds like way too much work for me. Of course you have a right to protect yourself!

 

I didn't knowingly participate in a relationship with a liar and a cheater. I believed every word he said, and that was that he and his wife had separated, had to come back due to financial problems, but were separating again. It seemed reasonable and I gave him a few months to show he meant it, and when he did not separate from her, I cut him off. Of course, he chased me for years afterward but now I think he's finally gotten the message. Because he never listened to a word I said. But I wasn't born yesterday.

 

I would rather live alone and enjoy my life than be stuck with a man who cheats on me.

[13Hearts]

Awesome post, 13hearts

 

Thanks Shadowburn ❤❤ I hope you are doing well.

[13Hearts]

Thanks so much for your post, 13Hearts. It's interesting that you used the words 'no use for'. He sometimes yelled at me: "I have no use for you anymore!" and then discarded me, only for him to come back to me again... But perhaps you're right, and it's I this time who has 'no use' for him anymore. I hope my feelings of sadness will go away quickly, sometimes it's just too much to bear. Anyway, it's indeed time for me to leave him in my dust... and I'm the prize here, not he.

 

Thanks again and big hugs

Adoraxx

 

If a man told me he had no use for me, I'd laugh in his face. What a stupid comment. Guys like that are controlling. They don't get it. They are the type that say things to make you feel bad about yourself, so that you do what they want.

 

You have the most incredible power within you, and you don't even know it, Adoraxx. You're so busy feeling bad about yourself because of what some married guy who cheats on his wife said or did, that you don't give yourself the opportunity to realize you hold the key. Let go of the heartache long enough to allow yourself to dream again. If you could have anything for your life your heart desires, what would it look like? Until you start focusing on your wants and desires, you are going to repel the men who will get those wants and desires for you.

 

Maybe watch The Secret this weekend? I only watched the first 10 or 15 minutes of it but the basic premise it teaches is the same. Spend some time this weekend with your GFs, or any other folks who know just how completely awesome you are. Ask them to tell you about yourself. Because I think this guy has made you forget. He's toxic. Yuck.

[Babsinhealing]

I guess my comment on that from my personal situation is my MM only lied to me twice during the entire 2 years (both very minor almost white lie things). Towards the end I guess it could be said he lied in telling me he was going to leave and then not doing so - but it wasn't that black and white. He said its what he wanted to do (to leave) and thought he had "decided" to but until he did it he realised and admitted he hadn't made a true decision at all. It was only after an hour long back and fore conversation, when I eventually pointed out to him that he had the perfect opportunity that previous weekend to have that conversation and do it and hadn't done so, that he finally answered my question of "are you going to leave?" with a simple no. And to be honest I think he'd made that decision then and there at that exact time. I know people will think i am foolish and naive and there is probably things I didn't know he lied about - but I very much feel certain he never did and had lots of evidence to back that up. As a result it often meant I heard things I didn't want to hear, and of course he lied to many many other people - but the one thing I will say is he never lied to me.

Pili-Pala- I hear you... I don't recall one time when my xMM lied to me during our 20 month A- He was always upfront and truthful with me. I always thought it was odd that he was so truthful to me but could be so dishonest with his wife- he would blatantly lie to her on the phone while laying next to me, so I knew he had it in him but I guess he never had any reason to lie to me. Not once did I catch him... If he said he would call or visit- he was there-never once did he let me down. if he said he couldn't see me (which was rare) - he would tell me the reason why. There was no reason for dishonesty- we knew our situation and didn't try to make it something it wasn't. Also, food for thought- i constantly hear people say once a cheater/ liar, always a cheater/liar but then I think of myself and that would mean it would apply to me too... But i can honestly say it's not true. I had a tremendous void in my life- I met him- we had an incredibly passionate, loving A and to be honest- I can say if we ended up together I would have never cheated again. I will probably take grief for this but I believe there is a difference between cheating once and serial cheating. Maybe those dealing with the serial cheated also deal with the lying... Who knows, I just know it didn't apply to my A.

[Grey Cloud]

Pili-Pala- I hear you... I don't recall one time when my xMM lied to me during our 20 month A- He was always upfront and truthful with me. I always thought it was odd that he was so truthful to me but could be so dishonest with his wife- he would blatantly lie to her on the phone while laying next to me, so I knew he had it in him but I guess he never had any reason to lie to me. Not once did I catch him... If he said he would call or visit- he was there-never once did he let me down. if he said he couldn't see me (which was rare) - he would tell me the reason why. There was no reason for dishonesty- we knew our situation and didn't try to make it something it wasn't. Also, food for thought- i constantly hear people say once a cheater/ liar, always a cheater/liar but then I think of myself and that would mean it would apply to me too... But i can honestly say it's not true. I had a tremendous void in my life- I met him- we had an incredibly passionate, loving A and to be honest- I can say if we ended up together I would have never cheated again. I will probably take grief for this but I believe there is a difference between cheating once and serial cheating. Maybe those dealing with the serial cheated also deal with the lying... Who knows, I just know it didn't apply to my A.

 

I used to think like this. I used to think that xMM was nothing but honest and upfront with me. And for the most part I think he was. But the fact that he could lie and manipulate his W so easily gave me second thoughts. Especially because he was so convincing in getting his point of view across. I then realised he could have easily been doing the same for me. Why would I be any different?

 

I'm not telling my story to say "all men lie". But in a cheating type scenario there is a lot of deceit going on. Now that I have come out of the a and the fog is lifting I realise I could never be in a normal relationship with him anyway as I could never trust him. When I was in the A it was ironic how much trust I placed in him and believed everything he said to me!

[rainbowsandkittens]

I think the point is if they're telling you what a harpy their wife is, how they never have sex any more, they can't leave for the kids, etc etc etc- that's when they're lying. My AP always told me where he was (unless he was doing something with his partner, then he would just not tell me anything until I asked) including sending me his schedule every week. He told me everything- what he was doing, how he was feeling, etc.

 

We had made a vow in the beginning to always be honest to each other. How ridiculous.

 

I figured out later that he really did lie to me- and probably all the time. I highly doubt his relationship was as bad as he said. There were things he would say he would do and then would "forget" but I brushed them aside. I caught him out once when he was telling me about his other affairs. He'd told me about them before but suddenly the dates were different. He made an excuse about he probably forgot or wanted to make himself feel better or some bs like that.

 

But he lied to me from the beginning by telling me he was divorced (and an entire story that went with it.) So the fact that I would ever think he was honest with me is laughable.

[Grey Cloud]

I think the point is if they're telling you what a harpy their wife is, how they never have sex any more, they can't leave for the kids, etc etc etc- that's when they're lying. My AP always told me where he was (unless he was doing something with his partner, then he would just not tell me anything until I asked) including sending me his schedule every week. He told me everything- what he was doing, how he was feeling, etc.

 

We had made a vow in the beginning to always be honest to each other. How ridiculous.

 

I figured out later that he really did lie to me- and probably all the time. I highly doubt his relationship was as bad as he said. There were things he would say he would do and then would "forget" but I brushed them aside. I caught him out once when he was telling me about his other affairs. He'd told me about them before but suddenly the dates were different. He made an excuse about he probably forgot or wanted to make himself feel better or some bs like that.

 

But he lied to me from the beginning by telling me he was divorced (and an entire story that went with it.) So the fact that I would ever think he was honest with me is laughable.

 

We made a vow as well to be honest with each other. How stupid and ridiculous!!. My xAP was honest in that he said he loved his w, would never leave her, they still had sex etc. which made me think he was being upfront and honest about his situation. But he was lying to his w blatantly about me. He would say or do anything to get himself out of the ****. Yes, I was lying too but it was tearing me apart and eating me up inside. He could lie so easily and actually believe his own lies! I also saw him tell heaps of small lies at work. And that's when I thought, there is nothing stopping him from doing the same to me! In the end I mainly felt sorry for his w who so desperately wanted to believe him and ultimately did. I am glad I am not married to him!

[Lovetoohard]

I used to think like this. I used to think that xMM was nothing but honest and upfront with me. And for the most part I think he was. But the fact that he could lie and manipulate his W so easily gave me second thoughts. Especially because he was so convincing in getting his point of view across. I then realised he could have easily been doing the same for me. Why would I be any different?

 

I'm not telling my story to say "all men lie". But in a cheating type scenario there is a lot of deceit going on. Now that I have come out of the a and the fog is lifting I realise I could never be in a normal relationship with him anyway as I could never trust him. When I was in the A it was ironic how much trust I placed in him and believed everything he said to me!

 

Ditto. Whatever xMM said and did felt so sincere initially. After all, we were in this thing together right? Both of us, sharing this deep intimate secret, each other's saviors, taking each other's pain and misery away, our happy bubble, our very own land of steroid fueled unicorns and rainbows on cloud nine. Forever.

 

I caught a couple of white lies here and there, mostly to spare my feelings I think (e.g. he did his annual trip with the w and kids to go see the in-laws for the w's b'day but he lied and said it was for his kid's b'day, went out with his guy friends when he told me he's going home etc. etc. weird because I didn't really care if he'd told the truth). Oh, and the piles of lies told to everyone at work. I try not to think of what else he may have lied about. I eventually became very insecure and doubted pretty much everything he said, even if he was being honest. That was the point I really felt so sorry for his w. He was telling her and the kids the ultimate lie. Sickening. I know i'm being a hypocrite for saying that now, but that's yet another example of how "brainwashed" you become during the A. I could never, in a million years, fully trust him. Ever.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[rainbowsandkittens]

I did something I probably shouldn't have. My AP's been tweeting about something for a few weeks now and I just saw a video about the subject that a) explained it in a way I understood it and b) is brilliant and made me laugh. So I tweeted it. It posts to FB so I did also share it with my friends but I would be lying if it wasn't mostly for him. Not that I expect or want him to respond or anything. Anyway, I know it's stupid.

 

I also just read this and it totally struck a chord in me:

 

If you were to write a list of all the qualities you were looking for in a partner, “inconsistent, distant and uninterested” would not be on it. You would never intentionally choose someone who wasn’t choosing you. So why do we continue to chase those who always feel just a little out of reach?

We must take ownership of the way we want to be loved.

It’s easy to feel disheartened when someone is incapable of supporting you. It’s easy to feel rejected and betrayed, to feel powerless. We must remember that we will never have control over how others choose to show up, but we always have control over how we do. Love takes a certain courageous softness. Love requires us to value ourselves enough to want it all- the spark, the stability, the support, all of it. The big love, the real love, forces us to fight for our own worthiness.

And while we learn to stand firm in our enoughness, we must also learn to be kind and compassionate to those who are incapable of loving us in the way we need. It’s easy to blame others for failing to be our person when we really, really wanted them to be our person. But resentment breeds powerlessness. Resentment feeds the idea that life is happening TO you and not FOR you. Resentment is toxic.

Choose to stand up for what you need, even if you know you that means releasing someone that you care for. Dissonance comes when our intuition is telling us to let go, but our mind and ego, even our heart, tell us to hold on. Trust your gut.

You will never be too much for the right person. You will never have to change in order to create true connection. If someone can’t appreciate your loveliness, they aren’t meant to.

 

— Kristin Lohr (via waxenneat)

[Adoraxx]

You will never be too much for the right person. You will never have to change in order to create true connection. If someone can’t appreciate your loveliness, they aren’t meant to

 

Love this.... I always felt like I was too much for him

[rainbowsandkittens]

This is so embarrassing but I've been thinking it about it for days and days so I figured it was time to post it. Nothing has changed. I haven't heard from my exAP. He liked a few things I've tweeted and I liked one thing he did (which was stupid and I spent way too much time trying to decide if I should like it or not. It was a pic of flowers and probably ones he gave to his partner which is what makes it so stupid. But once I liked it I felt weird about taking it back.) But nothing else.

 

I believe he's coming to town soon. I don't know for sure. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I have been trying to decide if I want to send him a Happy Birthday text or just forget it. It's a big one and he hates birthdays and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge it. I know it's probably a bad idea. I haven't decided anything for sure yet.

 

I felt bad about posting all of this because it's been almost 3 months and I'm still not over it. I think about him all the time. I even made a list of what I thought he was vs what he is. But even though my head knows he's crap, he doesn't want me, he never truly cared for me, etc etc. my heart keeps saying, "Come back! Please! I miss you! Please want me again." It's horrible. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in therapy. I'm trying to do things to make myself happy. But it's slow going. I have alienated myself from my friends. I'm in a funk I can't get out of. And I do think a lot of it has to do with this situation.

 

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I don't expect anyone to respond. I just needed to get that out. I know I'm probably just saying the same things over and over.

[ladydesigner]

This is so embarrassing but I've been thinking it about it for days and days so I figured it was time to post it. Nothing has changed. I haven't heard from my exAP. He liked a few things I've tweeted and I liked one thing he did (which was stupid and I spent way too much time trying to decide if I should like it or not. It was a pic of flowers and probably ones he gave to his partner which is what makes it so stupid. But once I liked it I felt weird about taking it back.) But nothing else.

 

I believe he's coming to town soon. I don't know for sure. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I have been trying to decide if I want to send him a Happy Birthday text or just forget it. It's a big one and he hates birthdays and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge it. I know it's probably a bad idea. I haven't decided anything for sure yet.

 

I felt bad about posting all of this because it's been almost 3 months and I'm still not over it. I think about him all the time. I even made a list of what I thought he was vs what he is. But even though my head knows he's crap, he doesn't want me, he never truly cared for me, etc etc. my heart keeps saying, "Come back! Please! I miss you! Please want me again." It's horrible. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in therapy. I'm trying to do things to make myself happy. But it's slow going. I have alienated myself from my friends. I'm in a funk I can't get out of. And I do think a lot of it has to do with this situation.

 

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I don't expect anyone to respond. I just needed to get that out. I know I'm probably just saying the same things over and over.

 

Don't alienate yourself from anybody (((rainbowsandkittens))) well except your exAP . If he is an EX ap keep him that way. Each day you have NC is one step closer to moving on. eventually these thoughts will become few and far between and one day will wonder wtf am I doing thinking about this. I am an exMOW it took me 2 years to get over a 6 week A that probably should have taken me a few months. I tend to get obsessive thoughts but whatever, it took me as long as it took to process. Go easy on yourself!

[Babsinhealing]

This is so embarrassing but I've been thinking it about it for days and days so I figured it was time to post it. Nothing has changed. I haven't heard from my exAP. He liked a few things I've tweeted and I liked one thing he did (which was stupid and I spent way too much time trying to decide if I should like it or not. It was a pic of flowers and probably ones he gave to his partner which is what makes it so stupid. But once I liked it I felt weird about taking it back.) But nothing else.

 

I believe he's coming to town soon. I don't know for sure. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I have been trying to decide if I want to send him a Happy Birthday text or just forget it. It's a big one and he hates birthdays and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge it. I know it's probably a bad idea. I haven't decided anything for sure yet.

 

I felt bad about posting all of this because it's been almost 3 months and I'm still not over it. I think about him all the time. I even made a list of what I thought he was vs what he is. But even though my head knows he's crap, he doesn't want me, he never truly cared for me, etc etc. my heart keeps saying, "Come back! Please! I miss you! Please want me again." It's horrible. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in therapy. I'm trying to do things to make myself happy. But it's slow going. I have alienated myself from my friends. I'm in a funk I can't get out of. And I do think a lot of it has to do with this situation.

 

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I don't expect anyone to respond. I just needed to get that out. I know I'm probably just saying the same things over and over.

Rainbowsandkittens- we are here for you... Vent all you want. It's incredibly hard to suffer rejection and loss. What you feel is completely normal and the only way to get over it is thru it. My ex husband told me one morning over breakfast "I don't want to be married anymore"... No warning, no signs of issues, nothing... Friends and family said, "I didn't know you guys were having problems"- my response, "either did I". it took me years to get over that rejection and loss. We were together 7 years. It doesn't matter where that rejection comes from- it still hurts.

 

If you've kept up with my thread lately you will see all sorts of developments so I've had my share of on and off emotions. Affairs are very difficult to move out of- when they are good- they are soooo good and when they end, it's often like losing a limb. I wish I had a silver bullet to push us all to a happier place but for now we go to therapy, exercise, journal, support each other and try to put one foot in front of the other with each passing day. (Hugs)

[13Hearts]

I agree, affairs are unusually difficult to move past, especially compared to just regular breakups. I think it's because APs like MM who won't leave also won't acknowledge the truth and we are stuck being the ones trying to live in reality.

 

It might be best to stop looking at his Twitter, unfollow him and block him from all social media accounts, so you can stop thinking about him and move on w your life.

[Ophelia25]

Love this.... I always felt like I was too much for him

 

Me, too. He would tell me that I was "difficult" often because I was asking too much (usually for him to not just drop me for days and not tell me why). I never understood why it was "difficult" to ask him to check on me occasionally if he kept telling me all these beautiful things and wanting me so much and so on. It hurt that he would talk and talk and talk, but then as soon as anything else caught his attention, he'd disappear. And I never asked for constant attention, just a hello when he had a moment. But it was always "too much." People who love you don't make you feel that way.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thanks ladies.

 

I just watched Esther Perel's Ted talk about Infidelity. Woof. That hit me hard. I hope my AP and his partner are working on their relationship. I hope he's actually working out his issues rather than spending his time worrying about work and maintaining the status quo. It made me so sad to think of myself as part of that dynamic she talks about. The whole thing made me so sad in a way I can't actually articulate yet.

 

Many years ago, I dated someone who was separated and going through a divorce. His wife had cheated on him among other things. It's a very complicated story. Anyway, we dated for a summer and while I was totally in love with him... I was his transitional girl. I helped him find a new apartment, get new clothes, get out of debt, etc. And then he left me and met someone else and now they're married. It was so painful- I felt used and discarded.

 

And that's sort of the way I feel now. I was his "midlife crisis", his wake-up call to get into therapy and to possibly fix his relationship. Even during the A, I knew that he was getting more out of it. I was his escape, his release. I was his fun time girl. And what am I left with? Nothing. Not even the kindness of telling me I even meant anything to him at the end. Not the decency to call or text when I had surgery. To recriprocate when I got him a gift. Hell, to even use the gifts I got him. Damn it, he never even gave me an o****m. (Seriously. Never.)

 

And through it all I say to myself, 'What is wrong with you? Are you listening to yourself? Do you hear this? What on earth can you possibly miss about this guy?' And all I can come up with is: I don't know and Everything.

 

Thank you all for understanding how uniquely terrible these situations are.

[cosmo777]

Rainbowsand kittens, I hope you won't write happy birthday to him as you will loose your dignity and he will win his ego stroke..seriously you won't gain anything by doing this..just more sadness from no response from him or worst.Take your power back!

[rainbowsandkittens]

I actually talked to my therapist about it last night. He doesn't think it's a good idea but said I should only do it if I legitimately want to wish him a Happy Birthday and are not looking at this as a way back/ to get a reaction from him/ etc. I truly think that it's the former but I had a dream the other night that I wished him a happy birthday and he responded that he was in my city and did I want to celebrate with him and of course I did... so I'm not sure there isn't a little of the latter in there. I would do it Monday so I have more time to examine how I feel about it.

 

We did have a brief twitter exchange this week. Totally meaningless. He retweeted something, I made a joke about it, we went back and forth and then it was done. While it was happening I felt all sorts of emotions- the high of him responding to me, the anxiety about being in contact (could it mean something? will he talk to me more now? what if he doesn't...)- none of which felt great. And, of course, afterward I just felt meh about the whole thing. Haven't heard from him since and haven't done anything towards it either.

[privategal]

I think the addictive hits to him go to his ego...you reply to him...he thinks she still wants me and it boosts his ego.

He replies to you...it goes to your emotions and you feel he still cares .

You think with your heart, he thinks with his d.....

[rainbowsandkittens]

I don't think it's a big boost to his ego (the twittering) bc it wasn't anything related to us.

 

But... I did message him a happy birthday today. We went back and forth a bit. I admit it: I had a bit of a cry thinking about him celebrating with his family and friends. Knowing that I'm not part of it. It's also that I'm having a hard time with this birthday (turning 40) and celebrating and where I am in my life, etc. The last message I wrote I said something jokingly that could have come across as mean. I haven't heard back- it's been a few hours. I was trying to decide if I should clarify or something but he knows me well enough to know what I meant. And if he doesn't, it really doesn't matter. It felt both awkward and totally not to write to each other. Thankfully, there was no asking how the other is or anything personal.

 

Anyway, I feel weird. I miss him. I keep checking my phone. But it's also pressed some of my own buttons regarding my birthday.

 

I'm sure this time it fed his ego. Oh well.

[privategal]

Welp dear, you made the choice, you fed his ego, now hopefully thats it.

Yes it hurts to not be part of their lives.

Its hard to let go and be let go.

But now due to talking, you are looking for more talking, checking your phone, analyzing what you said, why he didnt reply...should you clarify..

This is WHY youve got to make the agonizing choice to go hardcore nc.

Theres no doubt the silence and distance hurts but its a good hurt. As its freeing you from not adding all this to live your life.

You are still very close to the situation.

But I promise the more the days of NC add up, the more you become less confused, more independent, the emotiins stabilize, the pain feels less intense.

Next year if you remember his bday...you can remember it as the day you were the bigger person, left him with akind word as you are a kind person...and you can also remember today was the official day you chose to set yourself free with kind parting words.

At midnight....block every method of communication...Im sure it feels better to leave the rest of the day unblocked but this is it.cold turkey from here!