I thought I was doing ok...

[rainbowsandkittens]

I thought I knew him, at least a little bit. But you're right... I probably didn't know him at all. How do you really know anyone, especially in the beginning of a relationship?

[Liam1]

I thought I knew him, at least a little bit. But you're right... I probably didn't know him at all. How do you really know anyone, especially in the beginning of a relationship?

 

Exactly, Rainbow.

 

And here's the thing. We know that a marriage can not compete with an affair. But the reality is that an affair situation does not even come close to a real dating relationship, either. It's a bubble that insulates us from the realities of life.

 

Isn't that a large part of the appeal of an affair?

[rainbowsandkittens]

Maybe for him. Not for me. But especially our being in different countries and him coming here for work- it set me up to be the "vacation" type affair. There was literally nothing about it that was like reality other than his working when he was here.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I just realized that it's just about the end of his day today and it was the first time I thought about what time it was where he is and what he's doing. WHEW. It's only one day but that's huge for me- to not be doing the math every time I look at the clock and figure out where he is/ what he'd be doing.

 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

 

Thank goodness for being busy at work and reading things on the internets. LOL

[OWAmy]

I can't wait until the day you delete that app / your past text conversations.

 

I waited around in limbo for months and kept messages, texts and emails and journaled what he had said, how it made me feel etc...When I decided I could no longer be a part of his life that day I deleted everything save for the emails. I just did it on autopilot. It took fifteen minutes or so. I got to that stage as I had read somewhere that I was going through an 'obsessive review' and I'd had enough of trying to piece pieces of the puzzle together. I felt like I was losing my mind. It did not take me long to realise that deleting all that stuff was a VERY good decision. No more reviewing what was no longer there :-) It was a mile stone in recovery.

 

I have kept all the thousands of emails. Printed them off, mailed to a friend many miles away and asked him to put them in his storage facility. I can't get rid of them just yet, but at least I don't have the option of torturing myself reading through them - too much hassle to get them back.

 

In my case I was more scared of the idea of deleting stuff than the actual reality of doing it. It really does help you move on.

 

Over time I realised that I was analysing words from someone who in hindsight obviously has some form of personality disorder (a lot of the MM seem to) and I thought - I am never going to be able to get inside the mind of someone who is missing what most of us take for granted. Ever. So the whole exercise of it all was pointless.

 

Go on and delete!!!!

[BuddyX]

You're allowing another human being to control your happiness-and he's not even trying. Imagine if he was.

You are better than this. Delete the app.

[Outofmysystem]

Rainbows, don't beat yourself over it too much.....I'm sorta doing the same thing....it all takes time, mine was 6 years, so I've read here depending on the length of the A, it will be awhile before things will get somewhat normal....I also had to come to realization that I didn't know her like I thought I did....the "bubble" is a safe place that's full of lies.....ones we tell each other and ourselves.....small goals at first, bigger ones as time goes by.....

 

Time won't heal anything.....Time, is a magazine......but it will fade into reality.....and that's much better

[rainbowsandkittens]

OWAmy- I wish there was a way to print out the texts. Or save them at least. I think if I could do that then I would be ok deleting the app. Right now it's not so much about wanting to keep a connection to him rather than I don't want to lose the texts. I already saved all the pictures and videos etc. but I do want to preserve this as someday I'd like to be able to look back at it with some sort of fondness, or to even learn a lesson... whichever. I just want a record of it. But that's not possible from the app.

 

I haven't gone back and read a lot of our texts. Right now it would be too painful for me- both for the feeling of loss and the realization of how much he lied to me and led me on. I think I've done that twice in the 3.5 weeks since we broke up and even then I didn't read a lot.

 

I realized this week that he had lied about the amount of time they've been together. I was tempted to go back to some things he said to figure out the truth but then I realized there was no point. None of that matters. It's over and done. I'm moving on.

 

outofmysystem- Thank you! We had such a short relationship. I can't imagine being with someone for 6 years and then going through this! I am trying to find ways to be kind to myself. I haven't broken NC, I'm back to not checking the app. I am doing what I can to take care of myself. Hell, I even quit smoking! lol. Sending you lots of healing thoughts!! Take care of YOU.

[BuddyX]

Why are you hanging on to the past? Let go of the pics, texts and videos.

If I found that stuff on my GF hard drive or phone I'll drop her on the spot. You're doing a disservice to yourself and sabotaging your next relationship.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Why are you hanging on to the past? Let go of the pics, texts and videos.

If I found that stuff on my GF hard drive or phone I'll drop her on the spot. You're doing a disservice to yourself and sabotaging your next relationship.

 

 

I understand what you're saying. I truly don't think there's going to be anyone else for me any time soon. But someday I will get rid of it. For now (it hasn't even been a month yet) it's staying.

[BuddyX]

Rainbow, just be careful of that.

I remember when I parted ways with my wife I could not bring myself to delete the txt message thread. I read, and reread every conversation and wondered how she interpreted each of my txt. Then I question myself if I wrote the correct response....Sound Familiar?

 

If you're doing this, stop. You're depriving yourself of happiness.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Rainbow, just be careful of that.

I remember when I parted ways with my wife I could not bring myself to delete the txt message thread. I read, and reread every conversation and wondered how she interpreted each of my txt. Then I question myself if I wrote the correct response....Sound Familiar?

 

If you're doing this, stop. You're depriving yourself of happiness.

 

I totally appreciate you saying this. I'm not actually doing that. When I have read back it's been more along the lines of just reading sweet or funny things he said. Not analyzing or interpreting anything. I did at first look back to see when things actually went downhill since I saw it... but also didn't. So I looked for the last time he asked me for a picture, the last time he said he missed me, that sort of thing. Does that make sense?

[Outofmysystem]

Rainbow, don't worry about the pics, texts, emails....everybody is different, I still have all the pics, emails myself.....it was hard to look at them and read them months ago (5 months NC) but it gets better....and they are your memories, you can process them however you want too....I'm not getting rid of my stuff, may never....I mean I did have some great moments, obviously, with my MOW, I know she did too and I can't let go of that right now....maybe later?, who knows.....but don't stress over it

[Forceawakensme]

Rainbow, i can relate.. deleting everything is really hard. I have done it but im not sure i made the right decision (though that could be because i ripped the bandaid off swiftly and im still hurting -- perhaps long-term its for the best.. time will tell). - I removed all his avenues to contact me though and THAT is hard as im dying to know if he wants to... and has tried and emails have bounced etc.

[rainbowsandkittens]

So this week has been/ is tough. He's supposed to be here in my city. I have thought about him non stop- wondering if (hoping) he would call or come by my apartment. I know neither of those things are going to happen though. And it's made me incredibly sad. Thinking of his other visits. Of the things we would have done while he's here.

 

But I'm balancing that with the fact that- if he wanted to talk to me, he would. He knows where I am and how to reach me.

 

But... after over a week of not checking the app we used I decided today to see if I can copy the texts and then let them go. So I spent probably 2 hours today copying and pasting them. And I'm only to the end of November. And it's 177 pages if I wanted to print them out. My Lord. No wonder why I feel like I'm in withdrawl. I was trying not to read them but read some and just made myself even sadder. For some I was sad because we had such a good rapport and made each other laugh. For others I was sad bc it was towards the end and I can see how I was basically begging him for attention and affection and how he was pulling away. And for still others I realized just how much sex talk there was and how I was really right when I told him that he liked me mostly for sex. I had never engaged in any sort of sex talk/ pictures/ etc until I met him. I told him at the beginning that I never would. I feel like he groomed me over the course of our time together- pushing my boundaries so that once I did one thing I never said I would he would change it to something else. I barely recognize me at the end. SIGH. I guess this is a life lesson of some sort but I'm not sure what exactly yet.

 

Anyway, all of this to say: I'm really sad this week. I hurt. I just want it to be Friday night when I know he'll be on a plane home and then I'll never know when he's going to be here again. I plan on taking some time over the next few days and copying the rest of the texts... and then I guess I'll delete the app. This sucks. All the way around.

[rainbowsandkittens]

And before anyone says anything.... in general I really have been doing better. I've been super productive at work and in life. I'm getting back to things I haven't done in a while. And really trying to take care of myself. I just feel like this week triggered me to take some steps back.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Today should be his last day here. Once he leaves I will really never know when he'll be back. I feel like the chapter is closed.

 

I did not go back and copy any more of the messages from the app. It upset me so much doing it that one time, I couldn't bring myself to do it again. Maybe some day, but not now.

 

I have been feeling bad all week thinking how everyone says that the AP always comes back. But mine hasn't. What does that say about me? About him? He's a serial cheater (2 others besides me that I know about. I assume there are more.) I am thinking that serial cheaters get even less involved since they've done it before and it's more about getting their immediate needs met than actually having a connection to someone. I tried searching for threads about serial cheaters but didn't really see anything that talked about it in depth. Maybe I didn't search right? I know none of this should matter but it's been on my mind....

[Lobouspo]

Hang in there Rainbow, going through this thread, I can tell this has been very painful. Congratulations on having the strength not to contact him. You have maintained a degree of dignity by not trying to crawl back. Look on the bright side, at least you're not his SO who he is cheating on. That's who I really feel sorry for. I've been in your shoes before. Please for your own health, delete that app, and get rid off all conversations you had. By reading them, you can't heal, it just brings back memories when you reminisce and look back at perceived "good times". Go complete no contact. No app stalking or looking at old pictures or old messages. With time you will heal and get better. Let this be a lesson learned in the school of life. Stay away from married/attached men who are unfaithful. They are bad, selfish people. I hope and pray you find an available person who will give you the love you truly deserve!!

Edited February 12, 2016 by Lobouspo
typo

[Outofmysystem]

Rainbow, hang in there, it's been a tough week for me as well.....as Valentine's Day was "our" day and when we went full PA 6 years ago.....so the subconscious has put her in my dreams almost every night.....but I've still stayed no contact.....and it helps more and more each day.....the old me would have said **** it and sent her 6 dozen roses to her work just to say "there!", "remember!!"......but it's not us, it's them......there is nothing wrong with you, and as much as I did for my xMOW, nothing wrong with me either.....just keep telling yourself that and it will get better....

[Bufo]

One thing I forgot to tell. When you are too involve with MM the rest of the world sort of passes you by. My wife was OM for about 2 years to a serial cheater. We had met while this was going on but since I was in another LTR it wasn't anything more than "nice to meet you". She ended the A (or maybe he ended it--I never asked) but a few months later we were reintroduced by a mutual friend. Less than 2 years later we were married. Our 30th anniversary is coming up this year. The friend shook his head and said she wasn't available then you weren't available later. But he knew that we'd be good for

Eachother.

 

Short version of a long story but she's very happy she got out of the A even though it hurt for awhile. We see it now as wasted time.

[rainbowsandkittens]

So I haven't updated here in a while because I thought people would just tell me I should be over it by now. I feel like I should be over it by now.

 

It's been 2 months. Total NC. Not a peep from either of us. This is now half as long as we were together. It should be over for me. And yet, I still hurt so much. I still think about him all the time. I know I think about him less than I did and days when I don't think about him much at all. But then there are bad days when I think about him as soon as I wake up and during the course of the day.

 

Last week was a bad one for me. I think I was hormonal and just generally sad. I never deleted the app we texted on but I never go on there any more. BUT sometimes my phone just opens the app (same as it does Ebay, Etsy or tons of other apps). It did it one day last week, I saw he'd just been on, I logged off.

 

Then Saturday I was out of town and with friends and suddenly noticed that my phone had the app open. And then I realized that he'd changed something and I could no longer see exactly when he'd been on. I figured he blocked me. I felt like I got punched in the gut. I left my friends and went to be alone. After doing some research it appears that either he a) changed his preferences so that no one can see exactly when he's on or b) just did it to me. I'm guessing it's b.

 

I have felt sad and hurt since then. I keep going over it and over it. Why would he block me? What did I do to get completely erased like that? I know I should be happy since he made the decision for me, much like I should be happy that he broke up with me, we had a final conversation, he was very clear about everything (finally. He tried to say he was throughout but that's just not true.) I know these are things lots of OW want. That they should make it easier to move on. But I keep reading about all the AP who come back, who try and be friends, etc. and I can't help but feel jealous. I can't help thinking there is something wrong with me that he's NOT coming back or in touch at all. It hurts so much and I can't seem to get it to stop.

 

I am in therapy. I'm starting to work out again. I quit smoking. I'm journaling. I'm doing everything I can to move on. And yet I haven't moved on. I feel like a failure and a loser for still missing him, for being jealous of everyone else, for being sad still. I'm sick about talking to my therapist about this (and I feel like he's like, "we've been over this already. can we move on?") but I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I don't want to admit to any of my friends that I'm still struggling. None of them would understand.

 

All I could think this morning is about writing to him and saying, "Why did you erase me? Didn't I mean anything to you?" I won't. But I want to. I just have too much pride and stubbornness to contact him.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I sound like a broken record. Sorry. I probably need a break from here.

[Shadowburn]

I think you are mentally still holding on to him.

Still wondering why he hasn't reached out, what is he doing, thinking etc.

I don't think 2 months is long enough for it to settle down. There is no time table and everyone heals at their own pace.

Affairs are very damaging to self esteem and that makes it harder to move on, because you left wondering why were you not enough. In reality, it was never about you in the first place.

 

You're doing all the right things. Have faith in the process. Love and hugs!

[Josmatjes]

Affairs kill your self confidence. Don't forget that. You do have a life and meaning and value beyond him, you just can't see it right now because you've been messed with. Believe in yourself and your value, and you will be okay. As long as you circle back to him when he beckons, however, you will continue your self esteem demolition. In many ways affairs are very masochistic, and you need to dig deep to find the reasons for your self-harm. I am just beginning to realize that for myself.

 

Its funny you should say this about self harm. I feel for me I'm so ashamed and hating on myself for falling for so many lies and hurting so many people that when he reaches out I respond. I don't want to but it's like self sabotage. Like I could be doing so well and feeling great and I just throw it away! Why? My therapist says that I need to forgive myself and except that I made a mistake and just move on. But it's like I'm hoping he will change and be the man I thought he was and than I can be validated...like, oh I didn't screw up he really is a great guy! It's obviously never happening but our mind plays a lot of tricks on us....

[rainbowsandkittens]

Josmatjes- That makes total sense to me. Like FINALLY people will see I was right for doing this (or, more like, wasn't entirely wrong), it actually CAN work out. I wasn't someone who was played/ went against my morals/ hurt other people for no reason. I get that. I think maybe that's why it hurts so much that he seems to have thrown me away. Like- I let myself get into this because I thought we had something so rare and special and if you can just let me go like I never existed....

 

Shadowburn- Thank you! I know I am a very slow healer when it comes to romantic relationships. Friendships I can let go of so easily. But people I date? I won't even say how long it took me to get over my first love. But it was a LONG LONG LONG time. I was hoping this would be fast since a) I'm older now and b) I came into it knowing it would end and that I would be the one who would end up alone and hurt (and yes, I know his partner and kids would hurt too if they knew. I assume they don't.) But, somehow, you're right- I can't let him go. I think I know some of the reasons why I'm clinging to him (the main one being- I feel like, at my age, I'm not going to find anyone else and if I do he was so handsome and smart and accomplished that I truly don't think I'll find anyone like him again. All stupid, I know. But it's how I think.) I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and hope that time will do it's magic.