I'm done......my heart is racing and I'm fighting tears

[LilMama1097]

PS -

 

 

OP, something that I think helps in these times, is to separate in your mind, the difference between him-him and YOUR EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT IN him.

 

 

With that done, you can then grade him solely on his words and (lack of) actions... while allowing the scale to let him slide down there where (the rest of us) see him...

 

 

While at the same time you can continue to recognize the GOOD in your OWN long evolution through meeting, and then investing yourself emotionally IN him (as any healthy human soul yearns to do). You showed your vulnerability... trusted... and believed... and allowed yourself to plan and share life with him... (until HE SHOWED with clarity that HE had misrepresented himself as a responsible person who was true to his word).

 

THAT variable lets you off the hook... BUT you still have to recognize IN YOURSELF the 'proper' ability and WILL for having made possible that whole investment, and the four children you share.

 

 

And when you have kids ages 4 through 9, that is surely an important time to keep believing in yourself (so that the examples they see and sense, at aware and impressionable ages, will be helpful and inspiring rather than detrimental to all).

 

Heaven forbid you should be caused at this time to even consider that you could undergo a very similar shared investment with some lucky guy, during much/most of the rest of your life... but your impressionable kids of right now just need to see and sense that you haven't ruled it out... (that in the context of those kids eventually deserving to love deeply and fully without regret and NOT in the context of them necessarily needing any sort of a 'father figure' around anytime soon)

 

THIS!!!!! THIS RIGHT HERE is like you climbed into my mind on my way home from work tonight!! These were my exact thoughts!!! Before I get into this i just want to say:

 

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who's given me advice and encouragement through this. I'm tearing up just writing this.

(Also I apologize for typos. I try to post as fast as I can before one of my babies needs something)

 

I still haven't broke NC. I almost caved tonight. I touched his name in my contacts and thought "What will texting him do for me?" Absolutely NOTHING positive. "What will texting him do for him?" Stroke his already enlarged ego and make him feel as though I'm weak and I need him. "Do I need him?" HELL NO!!!!

I used to feel I needed him to give me closure but when I stopped focusing on him and began focusing on myself, some pretty amazing things happened. I realized I am no longer on edge, no longer having to pawn things to feed my children, no longer worrying about what kind of mood he's in, no more walking on egg shells, feeling rejected, crying in dark silence away from him because he got mad at me for crying where he could hear me, but even better is I LOVE myself!! I realized how strong and genuine I am and how weak and fake he is.

I'm doing better then ever mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. The longer i go without talking to him, the clearer I see things. The clearer I see who he really is and ALL the signs I chose to ignore throughout our relationship.

I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know when to let go. I'm actually grateful that he did it for me even though I know he did it for himself.

I can walk away from that relationship knowing I gave myself completely and let myself be vulnerable to a man that didn't deserve mine or my children's love. I can sleep well at night knowing that when we split up, I made a better life for my children and I and I've only gotten stronger.

If he ever decides to become human again, I feel he will have a lot of guilt and shame for the things he's done, the way he treated me and for losing me. I don't think I'm gods gift to men but I know I'm a hard worker, loyal, an amazing mommy, faithful, beautiful, fun, responsible, forgiving, I love deeply and unconditionally and many other things. He didn't deserve me.

Although I feel stupid sometimes for believing the illusion of him being responsible and loyal, I know that fakes and liars are good at what they do and truly genuine people such as myself tend to forget that not everyone thinks, feels and acts like we do.

So, cheers to 3 full days NC and on to day 4.

I hope no one minds that I come back and post in here through this. Despite feeling strong right now, I so have moments of grief for the man I thought I would spend my life and raise my children with.

Oh and what's made this NC thing easier on me was the last text I sent him was asking him when he would take our daughter. He said he wasn't sure, I told him I needed a straight answer as I work and have a schedule too. His response was:

"There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***know off me!"

 

That was in response to my text:

"Could you just let me know which day works for you so I can adjust my schedule? Thank you"

 

That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger.

[LilMama1097]

Our very last texts in regards to when he will see our daughter:

 

His response

 

"There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***k off me!"

 

 

 

That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger.

[dreamingoftigers]

Our very last texts in regards to when he will see our daughter:

 

His response

 

"There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***k off me!"

 

 

 

That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger.

 

I get it completely. He's off in Fantasy Land Fun Time.

 

When he gets a text from you back in Reality; he feels shame and guilt. But since he isn't able to take ANY responsibility, its your fault for "wrecking his fun and threatening his happy place" so he lashes out at you.

 

He's the type that will whine to your daughter when she gets older that "your Mom made it too hard, wah."

 

Sounds like addiction. Could just be cheating. Could just be depression and stupidity.

[dreamingoftigers]

THIS!!!!! THIS RIGHT HERE is like you climbed into my mind on my way home from work tonight!! These were my exact thoughts!!! Before I get into this i just want to say:

 

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who's given me advice and encouragement through this. I'm tearing up just writing this.

(Also I apologize for typos. I try to post as fast as I can before one of my babies needs something)

 

I still haven't broke NC. I almost caved tonight. I touched his name in my contacts and thought "What will texting him do for me?" Absolutely NOTHING positive. "What will texting him do for him?" Stroke his already enlarged ego and make him feel as though I'm weak and I need him. "Do I need him?" HELL NO!!!!

I used to feel I needed him to give me closure but when I stopped focusing on him and began focusing on myself, some pretty amazing things happened. I realized I am no longer on edge, no longer having to pawn things to feed my children, no longer worrying about what kind of mood he's in, no more walking on egg shells, feeling rejected, crying in dark silence away from him because he got mad at me for crying where he could hear me, but even better is I LOVE myself!! I realized how strong and genuine I am and how weak and fake he is.

I'm doing better then ever mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. The longer i go without talking to him, the clearer I see things. The clearer I see who he really is and ALL the signs I chose to ignore throughout our relationship.

I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know when to let go. I'm actually grateful that he did it for me even though I know he did it for himself.

I can walk away from that relationship knowing I gave myself completely and let myself be vulnerable to a man that didn't deserve mine or my children's love. I can sleep well at night knowing that when we split up, I made a better life for my children and I and I've only gotten stronger.

If he ever decides to become human again, I feel he will have a lot of guilt and shame for the things he's done, the way he treated me and for losing me. I don't think I'm gods gift to men but I know I'm a hard worker, loyal, an amazing mommy, faithful, beautiful, fun, responsible, forgiving, I love deeply and unconditionally and many other things. He didn't deserve me.

Although I feel stupid sometimes for believing the illusion of him being responsible and loyal, I know that fakes and liars are good at what they do and truly genuine people such as myself tend to forget that not everyone thinks, feels and acts like we do.

So, cheers to 3 full days NC and on to day 4.

I hope no one minds that I come back and post in here through this. Despite feeling strong right now, I so have moments of grief for the man I thought I would spend my life and raise my children with.

Oh and what's made this NC thing easier on me was the last text I sent him was asking him when he would take our daughter. He said he wasn't sure, I told him I needed a straight answer as I work and have a schedule too. His response was:

"There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***know off me!"

 

That was in response to my text:

"Could you just let me know which day works for you so I can adjust my schedule? Thank you"

 

That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger.

 

I am so glad you had this moment!

 

This is super- special when you realize you love yourself and that you didn't deserve any of this!

 

I posted that sane moment on LS years ago after my husband took off and was blowing up at me etc.

 

As soon as the focus went off of him and on to Daughter & I, I did one small thing to treat myself. Pure indulgence but showing myself care. It changed a lot for me.

 

I started feeling so much better about myself knowing I had fought the good fight for my family as far as I could at the time, whatever mistakes I may have made I forgave myself for and I was able to be extra-kind to others too, knowing that I had something to offer and nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Life got better whereas he had expected me to fall apart without his greatness.

 

It took him years to see what he was doing and what the consequences were. Then time to take responsibility for it instead of just self-blaming and self-blaming. He just languished for a long time where he acted when he left that he was going to sky-rocket and I would crash. The opposite was true.

 

It was far easier single-parenting than parenting with someone so miserable and unstable all of the time.

 

I think things will be awesome for you!

[LilMama1097]

My NC rules are "zero Contact unless he says: Can I see my daughter"

Well that text happened today. I told him to meet us at her pre school to give her loves when I picked her up after work and we go our separate ways from there. (I don't feel comfortable with him taking her right now with his life choices and extreme anger.)

He was in the parking lot when I pulled up to get her. I ignored him sitting in his car and I just walked straight into her school to get her. When we came out. I did my excited mommy voice for her that "Dada is here to give you loves because he misses you." She ran into his arms, she told him about her day (in her 4 year old language) they hugged lots and gave kisses. He put her in my car, kissed her again and shut the door where he was now standing straight in front of me. Our conversation:

Him "I'm sorry for being an ass hole to you, I'm stressed out. I'm proud of you, you know that? You're a strong woman and you're doing great with (insert daughters name)

Me "Thanks, well have a good night"

Him "I drink to deal with the pain (insert my name) this is really hard on me" he then grabs me and hugs me tight as hell, like where I couldn't breathe almost.

THIS IS WHERE I WENT OFF ON HIM

Me I pushed him off of me "Look, I don't care about your life or your feelings to be honest. You betrayed me and the kids. You should feel horrible and you drinking to not deal with your feelings only confirms that you're weak as fk and I don't even pity you for that. You're a joke to me now. I've lost all respect for you. I wish you luck in your future but not to be mean I'm only being real, I'm relieved I am not burdened with being a part of your future."

Him "ouch, so what? You hate me now or something?"

Me "(his name) hating you would mean i care and I don't. I'm happy now, and I'm doing amazing. So if you don't mind, get the fk away from my door so I can go. "

Him "you're really gonna be like that toward me?"

Me "your actions and lack of respect made me this way toward you"

I proceeded to get in my truck and shut the door while he was still talking. I backed out of the parking spot as he stood there and I pulled away.

I then switched to happy mommy mode to my 4 year old and said "yay, you got to see Dada!! He loves you sooooo much you know that?"

Her "yes and I love my dada so much too mommy"

We then proceeded to drive home and I literally feel no emotion about that conversation with him. In my mind I was thinking "blah blah blah lies" every time he spoke.

Edited January 15, 2016 by LilMama1097

[WonderKid]

Good job! You're already advanced in the Art of NC. I was gonna say, don't sleep with him, but you got this in the bag. Don't down yourself for coming here. Its for help. Or expression. You're doing fine. Its really ****ed up how he did you. I swear, people can be so deranged and stupid.

[LilMama1097]

He's basically abandoned our 4 year old. The anger has built up so much that I ended up sending him a text tonight:

Basically saying he's a piece of sht for abandoning an innocent little girl and I hope he sleeps well at night.

I don't even care that I broke nc with that text. I'm so disgusted with him