LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) Fiancé broke up with me about a month ago after years together and a child together. He was a coward with how he ended it. We lost our house Dec 6th and moved separately with our families. A week later he broke up with me OVER TEXT. I was devastated and wanted him back so badly. He ignored my texts, etc for a couple weeks. On my birthday December 30th he said he got a hotel room for us. I spent the night with him and we slept together. He text me regularly after that. January 6th I decided I had enough and went NC. Each day got easier although the first day was hell and I dreamt about him that night but I was feeling better and not thinking about him as much. He text me this morning apologizing if he was bothering me and attempted small talk. Like an idiot, I responded a half hour later. I was really short with him but my curiosity got the best of me tonight. Throughout this break up I couldn't understand how if he loved me, he could do this to me. I text him tonight and said "I only need a one or two word response from you to this question. When did you stop loving me." His response.....I'm tearing up for some reason thinking about this again but he said "I fell out of love with you when we found out we were losing our house (end of November) and I stopped loving you when I started living on my own and reflecting on our relationship (beginning of December) then he finishes by saying "I don't hate you or anything though" For the first time ever I told him to leave me alone. I responded with "It doesn't matter anymore if you hate me or not. Please don't contact me again unless you want to see our daughter" He responded with "sounds good" HOW DO YOU STOP LOVING SOMEONE SO FAST????? I was a stay at home mom when we were together and he resented me for not contributing financially. I now have a higher paying job then he does and work my ass off. I really put everything I have into growing, being successful and providing a great life for my kids. I've done a complete 180. Everything he was unhappy with about me has changed yet everything about him that made me unhappy intensified. He's a miserable person, drinks all the time, misses a lot of work and doesn't even see our daughter anymore. I'm so upset, I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now. I need clarity whether mean or supportive. Was I living in an illusion all those years? Edited January 10, 2016 by LilMama1097 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Everything about this post suggest that the loss of your house was central to how things evolved. I mean, even if only a work of fiction, we'd love to see how your relationship would have transpired were it not for the loss of your home. It is unfortunate, yet an outside factor which cannot be underestimated on the grand scheme of things.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I don't know how you fall out of love when something goes wrong. He blew 2 months straight off his pay checks and didn't pay a single bill but he makes it all my fault for doing everything else and being unemployed for 3 months. It hurts because there's no way he could of truly loved me if he could turn his back on me over a struggle. True love sticks by each other right?! Am I delusional on what a committed relationship should actually be?
ExpendableYouth Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I was also broken up via text, we also lived together. It is heart breaking.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Yeah breaking up through text is such a coward and disrespectful thing to do! I busted my *** and got a job making more then he does and my kids and I are getting ready to move into our own house while he's sleeping on his brother's couch. I'm just in disbelief and hurting over the lack of respect he's shown me through this, how fake he is and most importantly the fact he had seen our daughter 2 times in the last month and one of those times was because I had to work late and had nobody else to get her from pre school. I thought he was a MAN!!! But he's just a little *****
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 And honestly, I'm embarrassed that I let him get me upset enough that I have to whine to you guys about it. It makes me feel weak. It's better to show you guys my weakness then to give him the satisfaction of seeing it. NC starting over as of a few hours ago.......remind myself how weak and fake he is whenever I start feeling sad. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much when he confirmed he doesn't love me. How do you just stop loving someone? How was he able to sleep with me a week ago? Makes me feel ashamed, used and so mad.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Yeah breaking up through text is such a coward and disrespectful thing to do! I busted my *** and got a job making more then he does and my kids and I are getting ready to move into our own house while he's sleeping on his brother's couch. I'm just in disbelief and hurting over the lack of respect he's shown me through this, how fake he is and most importantly the fact he had seen our daughter 2 times in the last month and one of those times was because I had to work late and had nobody else to get her from pre school. I thought he was a MAN!!! But he's just a little ***** If he's heavily drinking and missing a ton of work, hell be practically useless as a Dad too. I wouldn't be the least surprised if he was cheating. That's a lot of money to blow through. I am sorry for your situation. My husband relapsed drinking and took off for a long while. He did not send support for a long time, rarely called our daughter and didn't see her. Then he sobered up a bit and was surprised that I wasn't making any more attempts to contact him. He was doing any contacting and I was only responding to kid-related stuff. It surprised him just how far away we were getting. He decided to "drop in." I sent him out. No way was I just having him flop at my place. He started sending support money, sobered up and tried to come home again. No way. Get great treatment and stay sober. For starters. "Oh I will." Well, then, let me know how it goes. Another shock. Took him time to get into a program. That's where the real change and personal responsibility took hold. Any other marital improvements are happening, but it is SLOW. We don't have the same animosity. But I will honestly say, these guys can be real shyteheads! Take no responsibility for anything, get all emotional and guilt-trippy. Low impulse control. Etc etc etc. At one point he wanted to talk to our daughter and she said straight-up "no way. He said he would be here and he's not." (She was five) He tried the "it's to deal with calling because you answer (he meant me)." I had been calm throughout this BS, but that didn't work for me then and there. I yelled at him that he wasn't going to do the "oh your OM made it too HARD for me" crap that so many deadbeat losers do. He could text me when he wanted to speak to her and that I would have her answer. That I hadn't closed off visitation. The only person she could blame for not being there was him. That's it. So if he wanted to be a Dad AT ALL, he needed to step up. It sucked at the time because they had been so close before that. He was mad that I wouldn't "cover" for him. That if she asked where he was I would say, "I don't know. You can leave him a message if you want." At first she did. Them she stopped altogether.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 And honestly, I'm embarrassed that I let him get me upset enough that I have to whine to you guys about it. It makes me feel weak. It's better to show you guys my weakness then to give him the satisfaction of seeing it. NC starting over as of a few hours ago.......remind myself how weak and fake he is whenever I start feeling sad. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much when he confirmed he doesn't love me. How do you just stop loving someone? How was he able to sleep with me a week ago? Makes me feel ashamed, used and so mad. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Your life has been torn apart and its very difficult to cope. You've probably been grasping at straws since it happened. It will take some te to get over. He's being a total idiot. Doing things he can't take back that if he has more than one functional neuron, he will regret mightily. Of course you are upset. That isn't a "weakness" that's part of being human. Cut yourself some slack. It's not like you are a deadbeat or anything. 1
cja Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 A week later he broke up with me OVER TEXT. My husband broke up with me via a text message. I wonder how common this actually is among selfish/ immature people? I used to be very self critical about this: like the way he ended it said something about me and my worth as a human being. Although sometimes I still struggle through self criticism, seeing and reading these stories help me to see that breaking up with a committed partner via a text only reflects cowardice. Good luck. 1
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) My husband broke up with me via a text message. I wonder how common this actually is among selfish/ immature people? I used to be very self critical about this: like the way he ended it said something about me and my worth as a human being. Although sometimes I still struggle through self criticism, seeing and reading these stories help me to see that breaking up with a committed partner via a text only reflects cowardice. Good luck. I know exactly what you mean. Breaking up with me through text made me feel worthless but I've realized that he's just a coward. 100% Edited January 10, 2016 by LilMama1097 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He seriously is acting like a cheater or addict in full swing. He might just be conflict-avoidant, irresponsible and immature. Any way you put it, I am so sorry you've been dealt such disrespect from a guy that was supposed to be your partner. It really sounds like he's mashed his brain from the inside. I doubt he will be able to cope well by himself considering how irresponsible he is. Have you filed for child support from him? It's a little hard to do (emotionally) but it has to happen.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 He just sent me this text and I ignored it. .... I hate this ****ing heart! All I do is care, all I do is feel, and I just want it all to stop! But that will never happen, I'm just ****ing emotionally retarded, this **** is ****ed!
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Honestly, I don't care what his intentions are our what he does with his life. I'm done giving him so much space in my mind. I need to focus on more important things. If he wants to be a man and do right by his daughter, great. If not, fk him 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I don't know how you fall out of love when something goes wrong. He blew 2 months straight off his pay checks and didn't pay a single bill but he makes it all my fault for doing everything else and being unemployed for 3 months. It hurts because there's no way he could of truly loved me if he could turn his back on me over a struggle. True love sticks by each other right?! Am I delusional on what a committed relationship should actually be? C'mon, that isn't "a struggle" - that is massive irresponsibility! And once your partner displays evidence of "massive irresponsibility" then, suddenly, it's on you to get up and leave! (permanently) His actions allow that he might love you as he loves the Buffalo Bills, or the St. Louis Cardinals (or Arizona Cardinals... or Saskatchewan Roughriders)... but IF YOU were his priority then he simply would not have been massively irresponsible. A struggle is when a car accident sets you back, through no fault of your own... or when a job is lost through no fault of your own, or when a medical diagnosis alters your life for the worse, etc.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) C'mon, that isn't "a struggle" - that is massive irresponsibility! And once your partner displays evidence of "massive irresponsibility" then, suddenly, it's on you to get up and leave! (permanently) His actions allow that he might love you as he loves the Buffalo Bills, or the St. Louis Cardinals (or Arizona Cardinals... or Saskatchewan Roughriders)... but IF YOU were his priority then he simply would not have been massively irresponsible. A struggle is when a car accident sets you back, through no fault of your own... or when a job is lost through no fault of your own, or when a medical diagnosis alters your life for the worse, etc. You're right. Me raising 4 kids between ages 4-9, along with all the housework and school functions that go with it after losing my job due to no fault of my own and applying everywhere possible with no car because he had it all day was a massive sign of being irresponsible on my part. Meanwhile I do everything for the kids, him and house and all he has to worry about is going to work "when he felt like it" and blowing his pay checks on partying while I'm pawning my stuff to feed the kids. Yeah, I was totally irresponsible. Funny how when we split up and I'm no longer at his service 24/7, I'm able to get a high paying career and a better life for the kids and I while he's sleeping on a couch, partying all the time and about to lose his job and is STILL an irresponsible parent. But you know what "sincere" online guy, your intelligence is far more superior than anyone else's so I will take your cocky, sarcastic, insulting comments as truth and ignore any HELPFUL advice I've gotten from anyone else. Thank you so much for taking the time to HELP. Edited January 11, 2016 by LilMama1097
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Wow, what?? HE was clearly the one who was massively irresponsible. (though I can envision him somehow having convinced you that you were in some way "irresponsible" - thus when you read me using that word, you thought I was in some way referencing you) (I wonder if anyone else (not conditioned to do so by the irresponsible guy!!) could misinterpret my post) 1
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Crap......I thought you were saying he had a right to run because "I" was massively irresponsible. Sorry. ........ this subject gets my hormones raging and I apparently get overly sensitive. I apologize. He just makes me so mad. He got to be a selfish jerk and do whatever he wants while I'm here busting my butt to provide for the kids. On a positive note, I haven't broke NC and won't;)
StBreton Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) Wow, what?? HE was clearly the one who was massively irresponsible. (though I can envision him somehow having convinced you that you were in some way "irresponsible" - thus when you read me using that word, you thought I was in some way referencing you) (I wonder if anyone else (not conditioned to do so by the irresponsible guy!!) could misinterpret my post) I didn't misinterpret ... and in fact was about to post to inform the OP that you didn't at all say what SHE thought you had. This type of thing does happen from time to time on the threads...especially when an OP is already on the defensive (sorry OP but you do seem to be...and I think your ex has put you there...like blaming you for the loss of your home). OP ... if you guys had 2 incomes (aside from the past 3 months) and lost your home so quickly...just wondering what your strategy will be going forward so this doesn't happen again. You have 4 children. Set money aside every month so you have a 6 month cushion. Your guy is a coward...a weasel ...any guy who blows his money while he has kids at home and is a major contributor for the loss of the family home has got loser written all over him. Good for you for getting things together for you and your family....but you might want to consider not having any more children in the future if your situation is so precarious. Give the kids you already have the best shot going forward. I am sorry for all you're going through (single mom here as well). Edited January 12, 2016 by StBreton 1
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 We had one income in our home because he blew every penny he ever made on video games and electronics and partying. I was only making minimum wage at the time. I've actually been taking budgeting and money management classes and make a lot more then I ever did in the past. It doesn't matter how much money you make if you don't know how to spend/save it. I've been busting my butt for a financially stable life which will be easier without him spending it all. He caused me so much stress financially yet blamed me for losing our house (insert face palm) I've learned he's selfish and very immature. He was like an additional more expensive kid in the house rather than a partner 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 He just sent me this text and I ignored it. .... I hate this ****ing heart! All I do is care, all I do is feel, and I just want it all to stop! But that will never happen, I'm just ****ing emotionally retarded, this **** is ****ed! Yeah he cares so much that he takes off on his family and job whilst screwing everyone over. "Wah wah wah, its all about me and my widdle feelings. Four kids and partner with serious living concerns can just go suck it." It's called guilt. He should be feeling it. Along with a good dose of being ashamed for acting like a total moron. I hope you don't break NC to comfort him. He relinquished the privilege. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 The implication that I'd said/meant that 'she' was irresponsible was SO far out there that I wasn't even wounded by that earlier response. I was only surprised. I just thought of an analogy... IF, say, that husband is driving down the freeway, alone, and he instigates or inspires Road Rage and then (doesn't back-down and well AWAY when it escalates)... then OK, fine, he controls his own fate, and ONLY his own fate. BUT WHEN you have your wife and "4 kids, ages 4-9" IN the car with you, then you owe it to THOSE innocent people to behave appropriately and leave the situation before you escalate it. It's just... responsibility . AS IS directing the bulk of each of your paychecks to the well-being of your family. That guy who lives down the block, who goes to out-of-town auto races (as a spectator) once a month... HE doesn't have the young mouths to feed, so he is allowed... The couple across the street who drive into the city and go to the expensive opera performances every other weekend... they don't have as many responsibilities as this husband has, and which he helped to create. And that's all fine... but once the guy made the choices which have become his life, he owed it to everyone, including society at large, to keep paying the costs OF his choices, just as the one couple pays for opera tickets, and the other person pays for his auto race excursions. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 PS - OP, something that I think helps in these times, is to separate in your mind, the difference between him-him and YOUR EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT IN him. With that done, you can then grade him solely on his words and (lack of) actions... while allowing the scale to let him slide down there where (the rest of us) see him... While at the same time you can continue to recognize the GOOD in your OWN long evolution through meeting, and then investing yourself emotionally IN him (as any healthy human soul yearns to do). You showed your vulnerability... trusted... and believed... and allowed yourself to plan and share life with him... (until HE SHOWED with clarity that HE had misrepresented himself as a responsible person who was true to his word). THAT variable lets you off the hook... BUT you still have to recognize IN YOURSELF the 'proper' ability and WILL for having made possible that whole investment, and the four children you share. And when you have kids ages 4 through 9, that is surely an important time to keep believing in yourself (so that the examples they see and sense, at aware and impressionable ages, will be helpful and inspiring rather than detrimental to all). Heaven forbid you should be caused at this time to even consider that you could undergo a very similar shared investment with some lucky guy, during much/most of the rest of your life... but your impressionable kids of right now just need to see and sense that you haven't ruled it out... (that in the context of those kids eventually deserving to love deeply and fully without regret and NOT in the context of them necessarily needing any sort of a 'father figure' around anytime soon)
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 PS - OP, something that I think helps in these times, is to separate in your mind, the difference between him-him and YOUR EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT IN him. With that done, you can then grade him solely on his words and (lack of) actions... while allowing the scale to let him slide down there where (the rest of us) see him... While at the same time you can continue to recognize the GOOD in your OWN long evolution through meeting, and then investing yourself emotionally IN him (as any healthy human soul yearns to do). You showed your vulnerability... trusted... and believed... and allowed yourself to plan and share life with him... (until HE SHOWED with clarity that HE had misrepresented himself as a responsible person who was true to his word). THAT variable lets you off the hook... BUT you still have to recognize IN YOURSELF the 'proper' ability and WILL for having made possible that whole investment, and the four children you share. And when you have kids ages 4 through 9, that is surely an important time to keep believing in yourself (so that the examples they see and sense, at aware and impressionable ages, will be helpful and inspiring rather than detrimental to all). Heaven forbid you should be caused at this time to even consider that you could undergo a very similar shared investment with some lucky guy, during much/most of the rest of your life... but your impressionable kids of right now just need to see and sense that you haven't ruled it out... (that in the context of those kids eventually deserving to love deeply and fully without regret and NOT in the context of them necessarily needing any sort of a 'father figure' around anytime soon) THIS!!!!! THIS RIGHT HERE is like you climbed into my mind on my way home from work tonight!! These were my exact thoughts!!! Before I get into this i just want to say: THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who's given me advice and encouragement through this. I'm tearing up just writing this. (Also I apologize for typos. I try to post as fast as I can before one of my babies needs something) I still haven't broke NC. I almost caved tonight. I touched his name in my contacts and thought "What will texting him do for me?" Absolutely NOTHING positive. "What will texting him do for him?" Stroke his already enlarged ego and make him feel as though I'm weak and I need him. "Do I need him?" HELL NO!!!! I used to feel I needed him to give me closure but when I stopped focusing on him and began focusing on myself, some pretty amazing things happened. I realized I am no longer on edge, no longer having to pawn things to feed my children, no longer worrying about what kind of mood he's in, no more walking on egg shells, feeling rejected, crying in dark silence away from him because he got mad at me for crying where he could hear me, but even better is I LOVE myself!! I realized how strong and genuine I am and how weak and fake he is. I'm doing better then ever mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. The longer i go without talking to him, the clearer I see things. The clearer I see who he really is and ALL the signs I chose to ignore throughout our relationship. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know when to let go. I'm actually grateful that he did it for me even though I know he did it for himself. I can walk away from that relationship knowing I gave myself completely and let myself be vulnerable to a man that didn't deserve mine or my children's love. I can sleep well at night knowing that when we split up, I made a better life for my children and I and I've only gotten stronger. If he ever decides to become human again, I feel he will have a lot of guilt and shame for the things he's done, the way he treated me and for losing me. I don't think I'm gods gift to men but I know I'm a hard worker, loyal, an amazing mommy, faithful, beautiful, fun, responsible, forgiving, I love deeply and unconditionally and many other things. He didn't deserve me. Although I feel stupid sometimes for believing the illusion of him being responsible and loyal, I know that fakes and liars are good at what they do and truly genuine people such as myself tend to forget that not everyone thinks, feels and acts like we do. So, cheers to 3 full days NC and on to day 4. I hope no one minds that I come back and post in here through this. Despite feeling strong right now, I so have moments of grief for the man I thought I would spend my life and raise my children with. Oh and what's made this NC thing easier on me was the last text I sent him was asking him when he would take our daughter. He said he wasn't sure, I told him I needed a straight answer as I work and have a schedule too. His response was: "There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***know off me!" That was in response to my text: "Could you just let me know which day works for you so I can adjust my schedule? Thank you" That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 Our very last texts in regards to when he will see our daughter: His response "There is no straight forward f*****g answer!!! S**t is complicated right now! Back the f***k off me!" That was Sunday evening and I never responded and won't. I don't understand his anger. 1
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