carhill Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Oh. I didn't realize there was just one 'correct' answer to OP's posed query to each of us; I was simply answering the question, as it applied to me and my life... ...and from my point of view. I take it, since I didn't provide The Correct Answer, I will be receiving an "F" on this exam. It's OK...I'll make peace with that, too. Yep, we can consider being alone at any point in our life, regardless of what has come before. For some it's a life-long path. For others, sporadic. For others, their 'retirement' from relationships. To me, each path is valid and valuable, as valuable as each person is. It's up to us to find our own path and our own peace. My sense is the tension comes from want and have conflicting. I want a relationship and I have alone and I'm considering that want and that have to be in conflict for the rest of my life and that really bugs me. I guess it can, sure. We have choices. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think about this topic often as I'm 35 yo and recently single again. I've dated throughout my 20s but had only 2 serious relationships and neither one of them came close to marriage. I'm also undecided about children. In an ideal world I would love to find that one special person to share life and grow old with but I'm skeptical. First, I don't believe humans are meant to be monogoamous. Just look at this site. When I look around me, I find that married couples tolerate each other for various reasons but are not really happy together. I've become so jaded now...marriage seems like it would be miserable after some time. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 There was no grading of anyone, but a reminder about the story of the man crying it was winter and he had no shoes, until he saw the man with no feet. Oh, well then. This is even further removed from me and my situation, as I am a woman. A woman who owns over 94 pair of shoes, not counting my boots and sneakers. Thank you for noticing my reply to OP's query to each of us and taking special exception to it. =============================== @ carhill: Agreed. Throughout my life, I have been single when I didn't want to be, married when I didn't want to be, and in relationships when I didn't want to be. Each time, I discovered that peace and happiness is best attained when being able to be OK with whatever place one's life has landed them; when I haven't been able to be OK with that place, I've taken the necessary steps to change the place I'm in. To hear some tell it, I am wrong to be this way. This is another thing I'm OK - and at peace - with. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 you don't understand. girls demand chemistry and there's some guys that no girl desires due to lack of chemistry I seem to develop chemistry with women my age with a fair bit of consistency without even dating them. Sadly, whenever I do, she's already committed. Link to post Share on other sites
tasev1 Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I am in a similar boat.....I wasn't interested early on when it really mattered....now that I'm turning 35, I am starting to feel very desperate for a partner. But my years of no success has led me to a point that even though I have no problem approaching women, my inexperience makes me lose them. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I am in a similar boat.....I wasn't interested early on when it really mattered....now that I'm turning 35, I am starting to feel very desperate for a partner. But my years of no success has led me to a point that even though I have no problem approaching women, my inexperience makes me lose them. I guess this proves Canadian women are cold. Key is to remember this is a numbers game just keep on trying and try in different ways. It is always best to be yourself. So don't change or put on acts. Though by trying different ways means to think how you can be shooting yourself in the foot. Try eliminate how you sabotage yourself. I know men that will not shower every day. Not shave every day. It's one thing to skip a day now and then. Another to look as if you were lost in the woods and the dogs had to find you. I know men that will eat diner and stain their shirt, yet will not put a fresh shirt on before going out for the evening. Also that a tooth brush is a foreign object in their mouth. Wear clothes that look as if they slept in them, stained, torn, frayed, just so worn out that they need to be retired. Refuse to work out to look fit. It is one thing to not be a 10. Though no excuse to not make the most of what a man has. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 More than likely yes, I'm 24 never really dated. Good thing is I'm secure economically, have my own spot, and I'm looking forward to traveling as much as I can in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I am so tired of reading "its a numbers game", that absolute garbage in my opinion, if you are turned down 20 times and cant get one date its not a numbers game at all. Its easy to say that to make people feel better but its far from the truth. I personally think your dating trajectory in life is determined by how well you date in high school, like everything dating is something that appears to be something some learn and other remain clueless about, I definitely occupy the later category. Nearly 32, virgin, never been kisses, never had a gf, suffice to say I have pretty much given up. Link to post Share on other sites
TheNextLawyer Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Oh come on man ^ I had just the one date while at high school, but eventually got a bit better over the years. You are still young, still healthy. Give someone else, who you normally don't go for a chance. Connect with someone fun and kind. One in 20 can sometime be an achievement. One in 50 and then being with them for years can be worth the pain. I never say never. As regards, the OP.. even those who are married 50+ years can have regrets over this and that. Dying alone isn't always a bad thing. What if both of you are equally frail and unable to help the other. Maybe a random care worker or nurse is a better person for those final moments.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 and when one person sensed my bitterness, I told them yes I am bitter, and they told me the cold harsh brutal truth that only made me even more mad, the statement was "the bitterness is there because you haven't accepted responsibility for your life" Tell me, why should a person enjoy and embrace taking responsibility for their life, accepting responsibility? why should it be a joy and not a burden? The way I view life and reality, is if your a Man, everything is your fault, if your a Woman, not everything is your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Oh come on man ^ I had just the one date while at high school, but eventually got a bit better over the years. You are still young, still healthy. Give someone else, who you normally don't go for a chance. Connect with someone fun and kind. One in 20 can sometime be an achievement. One in 50 and then being with them for years can be worth the pain. I never say never. As regards, the OP.. even those who are married 50+ years can have regrets over this and that. Dying alone isn't always a bad thing. What if both of you are equally frail and unable to help the other. Maybe a random care worker or nurse is a better person for those final moments.. Another annoying statement right there. Why must I go for something I don't want when others can get what they do want. I find statements like that frankly belittling. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 and when one person sensed my bitterness, I told them yes I am bitter, and they told me the cold harsh brutal truth that only made me even more mad, the statement was "the bitterness is there because you haven't accepted responsibility for your life" Tell me, why should a person enjoy and embrace taking responsibility for their life, accepting responsibility? why should it be a joy and not a burden? The way I view life and reality, is if your a Man, everything is your fault, if your a Woman, not everything is your fault. There is actually some truth in that to an extent. I think it really depends if one is prepared to put oneself out there to get rejected repeatedly or not. I still maintain this isn't a numbers game at all, if you get rejected constantly there is a REASON. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Another annoying statement right there. Why must I go for something I don't want when others can get what they do want. I find statements like that frankly belittling. Average man is not going to pull in the Victoria secret model, actress, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Average man is not going to pull in the Victoria secret model, actress, etc. I wouldn't want one of those anyway, but if the best I can do is obese then Id rather have nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I wouldn't want one of those anyway, but if the best I can do is obese then Id rather have nothing. Fat is a deal breaker for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Fat is a deal breaker for me. The only people interested in me are all fat. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Easy to say one can make peace with being single when they had lots of dates, was married, had kids, lots of sex, some of it great. People posting here have not reached anywhere in the relationship world. They would love to meet a woman that they find attractive and be able to go away for a romantic weekend and get laid, re-laid, relayed, overlaid, under-laid, delayed. Then get up Sunday morning and start the laying process over before check out time. Oh. I didn't realize there was just one 'correct' answer to OP's posed query to each of us; I was simply answering the question, as it applied to me and my life... ...and from my point of view. I take it, since I didn't provide The Correct Answer, I will be receiving an "F" on this exam. It's OK...I'll make peace with that, too. If I may... add my 2 cents to what I read in Road's comment: It's kind of like comparing two people: One person unemployed, keeps trying to get a job, always getting rejected, feeling devastated and fearing he'd always be looking and getting disappointed. Looking back and looking ahead, he fears his life never changing. Another person, been through multiple jobs, then leaving for whatever reason, then making peace that he has had enough. There's a difference between the two. In terms of being alone, there's BIG painful aspect if you feel it's your "entire" life that'll be lonely, as opposed to experiencing relationships and love for years and then having some 'alone' years, where you still have people in your life to be around you, and you have memories of wonderful experiences to hold on to. It's not a matter of right or wrong answer to an exam, but comparing two VERY difference kinds of 'aloneness'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
john_ohio Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I'm 25 male and such thought, frequently crosses my mind. I've been only once in relationship and for a very short period of time. About 4 years ago I fell in love for the first time in my life and since that time I've been crushing on 3 different girls. Each time it just didn't work out for a different reasons. I've also tried online dating, but had only few dates. Only one girl caught my attention, and everything seemed very promising, but then she suddenly turned cold and, having learnt my lessons from the past, I gave up idea of chasing her. I don't know.. It seems I'm unable to make someone stay in my life. They all go away sooner or later. Just can't shake off the feeling of inadequacy. So answering the question - Yeah. Very often I feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 The only people interested in me are all fat. That means you at least got something go in on. Not much but a start. You have to figure out how to improve your rating. Link to post Share on other sites
Limitless159 Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I think learning too be happy alone is very important. My ex left me last may. We were together for 7 years and I was devastated. Feeling better about it now but still have ****ty days during the winter. I'm 30 now and just don't see myself having another relationship. I wanted kids and a family 5 years ago but now I'm past that point I think. Its possible the right girl might come along but it sure doesn't seem like it. No other girls I've met even come close too my ex. Slim pickings as you get older. I would also say I'm an above average guy and that can make it harder because instead of attracting no girls and being alone where you know what you have and don't have, you attract the wrong kinds of girls who all want something from you. They want too get together for a free ride and easy life. Easy trap too fall into because you couldn't handle being alone. Then a few years down the road you end up being alone anyways after a divorce only now you have lost 75 percent of your net worth. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 It's kind of like comparing two people: One person unemployed, keeps trying to get a job, always getting rejected, feeling devastated and fearing he'd always be looking and getting disappointed. Looking back and looking ahead, he fears his life never changing. Another person, been through multiple jobs, then leaving for whatever reason, then making peace that he has had enough. There's a difference between the two. In terms of being alone, there's BIG painful aspect if you feel it's your "entire" life that'll be lonely, as opposed to experiencing relationships and love for years and then having some 'alone' years, where you still have people in your life to be around you, and you have memories of wonderful experiences to hold on to. It's not a matter of right or wrong answer to an exam, but comparing two VERY difference kinds of 'aloneness'. The bolded part is brilliant and finally someone else on this forum has been able to articulate the concept I keep stating. Its extremely painful to experience no success. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 The bolded part is brilliant and finally someone else on this forum has been able to articulate the concept I keep stating. Its extremely painful to experience no success. Ya, there are times I wish the human mating dance was just like how Lions do it Link to post Share on other sites
HillValley Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I'm starting to come to terms with it. I have my good days and bad days, but it subsides. Now I see what women in earlier times dealt with. The "old spinster" who was considered undesirable for daring to be unmarried at the ripe old age of 21! lol Link to post Share on other sites
TheNextLawyer Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Another annoying statement right there. Why must I go for something I don't want when others can get what they do want. I find statements like that frankly belittling. Not meant to be though. I wasted my chances when in the top fifth of the crowd lookswise, and now I am somewhere in the lower tiers. Some pretty girls give me looks, but why bother with those when they can have anyone and know it. Someone can be attractive just by giving them a chance. Making contact can over-ride your normal sense of what appeals. Chemistry can spiral and bonds can be made. And face it, once you get to 40s and 50s very few people have their looks left. May as well have someone for companionship and so not be dwelling on what could have been. Most people out there have a kind heart... It's worth the effort. I can't make you change your mind but I can make you a bit more aware it's not as limited as you may want to assume. Link to post Share on other sites
tasev1 Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 I can't make peace with it. The older I get, the more I desire a partner - but I am so far behind with so many hurdles to cross for me to get the partner I desire, that I feel like it is so hard to attain within the time I wish to attain it. I want to love a young woman while I am young myself, and that is escaping me quickly - and it hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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