My Story: The other guy

[More of the same]

Hello all,

 

First I just want to say I've been a long time reader and really appreciate the respect and love that's shown on this message board. Reading everyone's stories and support has helped me cope in the beginning stages of my own breakup.

 

Back ground: Like many of you I am an extremely analytical person. I have always had issues with breakups and tend to overthink things and ultimately determine I was the problem. I'm 33 and worried about making myself, family and friends proud that I've found a "FOREVER" relationship.

 

My Story: Ill try and keep this short. My now ex and I started dating 3 years ago. She was 5 months out of a 3 year relationship in which she moved out of the home she shared with her BF. We had been set up by mutual friends of ours who thought we would be a good match. After getting her number and having a conversation I realized she lived in my apartment complex. Hands down the best first date I've ever had. We successfully started a relationship and off we went. About 8 months in, after just normal relationship disagreements and during a talk I discovered she had been in touch with her ex BF. This didn't go over well obviously. She claimed it was innocent and just friendly. She also admitted she still had thought of regret about how they ended. After seeing things from my perspective she agreed she shouldn't communicated with him and I convinced myself it could be worked out.

 

Things got better, we had a reoccurring issue with one of us "trying harder" than the other at certain times. She'd check out, Id check in and vise versa. Ultimately during another talk she reviled she still had feelings for her ex. At this point it was over and we broke it off but remained in contact.

 

After a few weeks I was dating someone and she was back with her ex. I was weak/missed her and decided to try and win her back. It worked. We both ended things with the other people and immediately got back together.

 

That brings us to now. Over the next year we had ups and downs but both loved each other very much. The checking out cycle continued until early last month. She found out she would be spending the next 6 months in a small town about 45 min from our apartment for her clinical. She was stressed and didn't know how she would commute and have time for school and work. I tried my best to comfort her and help ease her mind. Over the next few weeks she started to check out and something felt off. I tried my best to be extra nice and make up for it but 2 days before Christmas she said we need to "talk". She told me she wasn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been happy. She was tired trying to make it work and thought we would both be happy long term if we broke up. I asked if it had anything to do with another guy and she said NO. I tried to talk her out of it but she would have none of it. I agreed and under protest it was over. I started NC. Long story long she immediately returned to her ex and has been staying with him in the house they shared for the last 2 weeks.(Side note) the small town she randomly got assigned to for her clinical is the town he lives in.

 

The hardest part was her telling me she just didn't love me anymore. It felt like I was pet that she had to get rid of and took me to the woods and started throwing rocks at me. In hindsight she started to check out at the exact time she found out she would be spending time in his town. We had an honest relationship I don't see why she would tell me it was one thing and leave out the feelings she was clearly having for her EX. Its been a few weeks and I miss her like crazy. I blame myself for not doing more to make her forget the other guy. Cant help but hope they are moving too fast and it will not work out for them. I've had my ups and downs and in my head know i'm probably better off. I've also gone through the whole breakup thing before and know it get better with time. Just cant get rid of this feeling that i might have missed out on my last best chance before I get older and fall further behind. Id unfortunately take her back if that was an option. I really do love her. I hate that because I know its wrong.

 

J

[Nickr3023]

I have a great funny story for you to read...mine. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/558290-moving

 

Go ahead and see if you can find the similarities. I'd say you're gonna see that you and I are pretty much exactly the same.

[More of the same]

Nickr3023 it sounds like we have a lot of similarities in regards to our situations and mindsets. I think this has hit us both possible extra hard because of our insecurities with our age and i'm guessing you also come from an area that start a family early in life.

 

I'm feeling like I need to answer so many questions before moving on. Do i really miss her? Do i just miss being with someone? Am i just scared to start over? Could it have worked out had I been better? Was it always doomed to fail? One thing i have taken away from this site in the end it doesn't matter. Its probably a combination of everything but having all the answers doesn't change the situation. All it does is delay the moving on process. Whats funny is because we are feeling like we are falling behind with the plan we had for our lives you'd think we'd be more motivated to move on, get better and be in a place to find love again. Instead we pine away wasting more time.

 

I know it will get better and cant waste anymore time letting her keep me from my goal. I don't think just knowing this is enough. Something needs to happen to actually act like it. My plan is to fake it until i make it. Do the things i know and have been told i need to do to move on. Hopefully by the time my heart stops messing everything up i will have begrudgingly improved my live enough and have a head start on the next chapter.

[Nickr3023]

Nickr3023 it sounds like we have a lot of similarities in regards to our situations and mindsets. I think this has hit us both possible extra hard because of our insecurities with our age and i'm guessing you also come from an area that start a family early in life.

 

I'm feeling like I need to answer so many questions before moving on. Do i really miss her? Do i just miss being with someone? Am i just scared to start over? Could it have worked out had I been better? Was it always doomed to fail? One thing i have taken away from this site in the end it doesn't matter. Its probably a combination of everything but having all the answers doesn't change the situation. All it does is delay the moving on process. Whats funny is because we are feeling like we are falling behind with the plan we had for our lives you'd think we'd be more motivated to move on, get better and be in a place to find love again. Instead we pine away wasting more time.

 

I know it will get better and cant waste anymore time letting her keep me from my goal. I don't think just knowing this is enough. Something needs to happen to actually act like it. My plan is to fake it until i make it. Do the things i know and have been told i need to do to move on. Hopefully by the time my heart stops messing everything up i will have begrudgingly improved my live enough and have a head start on the next chapter.

 

Yes unfortunately some of those questions don't really need answers. Especially the ones that involve things that can't be changed such as if you had done this, this this would have happened. The first 3 questions I actually believe are important to answer. Do you miss her or do you miss being with someone? That's one that I question all the time too. I'm scared to find out. I'm not ready to be with another girl in any capacity right now out of fear that it will make me miss my ex even more. The other one I think everyone is scared of, starting over. It's always terrifying to start from scratch again.

 

I have plenty of severe insecurities and yeah, age being one of them. I know 33 is young, but it also feels weird because at the same time when I was 25 I was already essentially "married" in a long term committed relationship. So now going through 2 extremely difficult breakups it feels like I'm running out of time to find the right person to start a family and a life with. All of this stuff is constantly in my head. It's why I've started counseling so that I can have someone help me sort out all of the bull**** that goes through my head constantly.