introverted1 Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Even if you're the one who always ended the relationships because you were ready to move 'up'? If I had a string of Rs I'd ended because of a desire to "move up" then my feeling is that my picker must have been off. Why would I consistently choose men I need to "move up" from? Or if I was consciously selecting men that I knew I'd need to "move up" from, how is that fair to the men? Maybe I am not understanding your question? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 I have made really bad choices and been with so many bad men it's unbelievable and have been dumped more times than I care to think about. I've had 3 serious relationships in my adult life (not counting my high school sweetheart) and they have all hurt me when they dumped me. When you're young you think that you're going to get married / have children because that's just the natural progression of things in life, but it's so not. Some idiots would rather have trashy girls who cause problems and throw tantrums instead of a woman who is flexible and never demands that things be all about them. There you go. Corrected it for you. MO you have got to start making better choices rather than just take what is there for the hell of it. If that means turning down the dangerous hottie for the guy that is consistent then so be it. They are all going to lose their teeth and get incontinent at some point so may as well make sure its with a guy who makes you laugh and smile rather than just looks good on the end of your arm for 5 minutes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 I see all my previous LTRs as good prep for the one I'm in now. They helped me grow and know what I want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) If I had a string of Rs I'd ended because of a desire to "move up" then my feeling is that my picker must have been off. Why would I consistently choose men I need to "move up" from? Or if I was consciously selecting men that I knew I'd need to "move up" from, how is that fair to the men? Maybe I am not understanding your question? I'm not implying we chose poor partners, I'm saying that we chose the partners we want at the time, and our time with them is a learning experience. Once we've learned what we needed to learn from our relationship with them, we move on and look for something we feel is better suited to our needs and wants. So my response was to someone who said "we also learn how we contributed to the demise of the relationship". But what if we never contributed? We just learned this partner wasn't for us and we are moving on to better things for ourselves? In other words, what if you're always the one doing the breaking up, it means that you simply learned this person wasn't for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you contributed to the 'demise'. Some relationships end when one person realizes this isn't the right wo/man for them. A relationship doesn't have to be bad to end. Edited January 8, 2016 by Hopeful30 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 There are women I dated that were a notch above the rest in looks,personality, & class. I rarely meet them at my age & its even rarer I can trick them into dating me. so i've been single for a bit now. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Absolutely not. I have had nothing but constant disappointment from all the men I have been with. They all just want trash and treat women badly no matter what they say otherwise. Sorry to say that I am getting more and more bitter as time goes on, but I am DONE at age 41. And I mean it this time. Damn. I hope you're wrong and you do meet a great guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I hate to say it, but I have truly given up at this point in life. I have been with so many bad men it's unbelievable and have been dumped more times than I care to think about. I've had 3 serious relationships in my adult life (not counting my high school sweetheart) and they have all dumped me. Two of them met and married the next one who came along barely a year later, one is going to remain a bachelor for his whole life. It's little compensation to know that the two who dumped me for other women are now divorced from those women they dumped me for, but I am convinced of so many things that I was not when I was a kid. When you're young you think that you're going to get married / have children because that's just the natural progression of things in life, but it's so not. Men would rather have trashy girls who cause problems and throw tantrums instead of a woman who is flexible and never demands that things be all about them. Okay, no offense, but if guys are dumping you, then there has to be either you choose scumbags or you're doing something that causes these men to dump you. Two guys dump you and then marry the next woman they meet. Ummm... it tells me the problem is more of you than them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) Okay, no offense, but if guys are dumping you, then there has to be either you choose scumbags or you're doing something that causes these men to dump you. Two guys dump you and then marry the next woman they meet. Ummm... it tells me the problem is more of you than them. It came out a bit harsh but i agree with Truth Seeker. In order to alter your circumstances, you need to change something in your routine behaviour. If you are the constant in all your relationships (if the men you've dated have all been different) then there is something within you that men do not like OR the men you date aren't all different, but share a constant among themselves which is the problem. So you either have to change something about yourself, or change the men you date (who are all actually the same in some way -- you need to figure out what this is). Edited January 9, 2016 by Hopeful30 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I'm not implying we chose poor partners, I'm saying that we chose the partners we want at the time, and our time with them is a learning experience. Once we've learned what we needed to learn from our relationship with them, we move on and look for something we feel is better suited to our needs and wants. So my response was to someone who said "we also learn how we contributed to the demise of the relationship". But what if we never contributed? We just learned this partner wasn't for us and we are moving on to better things for ourselves? Yes, I was the one who made the comment about needing to understand our own role in the demise of any R. In other words, what if you're always the one doing the breaking up, it means that you simply learned this person wasn't for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you contributed to the 'demise'. Some relationships end when one person realizes this isn't the right wo/man for them. A relationship doesn't have to be bad to end. I can see some of this when a person is very young but, at a certain point, I still question what's going on if one person is consistently the one to break off his/her Rs. So yes, I stand by my original statement that we need to examine our own behavior within the R. No matter who decides to end the R, there is always something to learn about ourselves, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Yepp. With each new relationship I find a mixture of both things I now realize I don't want as well as things I do want in a future partner. One ex in particular we had such amazing chemistry in terms of him just getting me, me not having to say a word about certain things and him instantly understanding, connecting mentally, emotionally etc...and that's the standard for me in terms of what I'd want in say someone I'm going to marry. But in general with each new relationship my ideals and desires in a partner become more refined and bits and pieces of each person that were good get added to what I look for next. Took the words right out of my mouth. I second this verbatim. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I try to keep in mind that nobody's awesome at everything. We all have a range of qualities, from flaws to strengths. One person you meet will click with you best in X way, another in Y way. What I have honed over the years is my own degree of being strong and brave on my own when I must, rather than surrendering out of fear to a relationship that isn't loving and uplifting. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You always learn from past relationships in what you want and do not want. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) Have you ever had a partner who was so wonderful, that it became almost impossible to date anyone after because they set the bar so high? Or have you had a past relationship that was so great, that now you hold everyone to a higher standard because you know how amazing it CAN be if you find the right person? No. I've had relationships so awful that I realised raising the bar was necessary. I suppose my most inspiring one was the previous one merely because it taught me that on top of the personality traits I was seeking, it's not at all a bad thing to reach for the physicality you like as well. I'd never been overly concerned about appearances before, but when you reach and then achieve something better, then it does kind of ruin you for all previous options after that. Luckily my current one exceeds his predecessor mightily in all categories. Edited January 9, 2016 by Buddhist Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 No. I've had relationships so awful that I realised raising the bar was necessary. I suppose my most inspiring one was the previous one merely because it taught me that on top of the personality traits I was seeking, it's not at all a bad thing to reach for the physicality you like as well. I'd never been overly concerned about appearances before, but when you reach and then achieve something better, then it does kind of ruin you for all previous options after that. Luckily my current one exceeds his predecessor mightily in all categories. Me too. I suppose it's a little bit taboo for women to value physical characteristics too. I wouldn't place a high value on that but I've realised through experience that I have to have some level of chemistry and attraction for the guy in the early stages of getting to know him. Otherwise the whole things feels like a farce. That along with sexual compatibility are the sort of the things I thought were shallow to think about before. But when you're in the midst of a relationship and trying to maintain the spark, that stuff becomes far more effort than you ever thought. I just had a thought... I suppose my greatest revelation is the fact I'm able to be honest with myself far easier and realise when I'm not into it soon than I did before rather than let it drag it on and us both be miserable. So now I suddenly feel empathy with men that have rejected me in the past, well the ones who have been kind about it. I can see things from their point of view more. For me I think this is a stage of my growing up anyway, where I'm able to know my own mind now and be less anxious about others' opinions. I still get anxious from time to time but I'm less likely to let others' opinions about who I'm dating and how I feel about them to influence me too much. I don't ask as many people for advice anymore (I'm more likely to ask on places like this if I do). I find there's less analysis paralysis that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You always learn from past relationships in what you want and do not want. I wish I'd realised when I was younger that relationships aren't the be all and end all. It's unbelievable how worked up I got about this sort of thing when I was a teenager. If I hadn't done, I could have used my time in a more valuable way. So I also think more experiences are good, especially bad experiences, because they teach you to be self-reliant and be your own champion. So it's not just on a level of learning what you want, it's also learning some valuable lessons about yourself. I have never felt so vulnerable than I have done in a relationship and you learn more about compromise and you see some of your worst traits as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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