What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

Yes my second friend "try out" was for sure dysfunctional. She was so tiring and all the time complaining. So I just stopped being in contact with her.

 

That girl from school on the other hand is super nice. And seems like a normal person.

 

I have some good activities again planned. Meeting with non-profit organization, attending one fair with new people and one party coming up.

 

So lots of cool things. I hope to meet some new people in those events.

[Fruitee]

Ah there was a typo in one of my messages. So that girl from school couldnt spent halloween with me so i went to this event with another girl. So its 2 different women. Other one was weird. Other one cool.

[Fruitee]

I have been so busy with work. I have also done a lot of soul searching regarding my work. Like what am I good at and so on. We got one new worker and first I was scared because this new worker is so good. But now I decided to change my attitude and learn from him.

 

Finding a new friend is not that easy when youre super busy. But I have managed to plan things with me excisting friends.

 

Anniversary of my ex beating me up came and went. I barely noticed or remembered. I didnt fall down under it.

 

I still havent managed to save money in a way I have been hoping. I feel like I have too many expenses. I need to figure something out. You know I save money but then I need new winter boots and there it goes. It is kind of stressing me out.

 

I finished one important class at school. Im still hopeful I will graduate next summer.

 

I have reached certain level of no fuvks given with guys. For instance one dude I used to go out with send me whatsapp. I didnt even open it. Just deleted it. I thought it would give him wrong impression if I even read it.

[Herbalist]

DBT mind training can be very effective when it comes to overcoming gaslighting and also seeing through gaslighting attempts in the first place.

 

DBT was originally developed to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, however most people with BPD developed the disorder in the first place due to chronic emotional and psychological abuse throughout their childhood, and a resulting significant part of BPD is an unstable sense of self and reality because they were conditioned to constantly doubt their own perceptions about everything.

 

What DBT really is as its core is training that helps to condition your brain to be objective, methodical and confident when perceiving (taking in sensory information and analyzing it). This is a big part of what makes it so effective for treating BPD.

 

But this type of mental training is also an excellent tool for anyone who struggles with doubting their own perceptions, dissociation, etc which are effects of gaslighting no matter the relationship or age. One doesn't need to have a disorder to be a victim of the effects of gaslighting.

 

Using DBT exercises to journal experiences right after they happen will not only increase your perception skills and confidence over time, but due to the nature of the exercises, you will also have a journal of objective observations about your experiences with others, which can back you up when someone is trying to gaslight you.

[Fruitee]

^ Thanks! I did some reading and I will start to do those excersises.

[turnera]

Ok, here is how you save money. It really works, if you stick to it.

The Envelope System Explained - daveramsey.com

Dave Ramsey's Envelope System - daveramsey.com

 

What I would do is get $200 in cash every paycheck, in $5 bills. I'd get my envelopes out and my list (how much goes in each envelope each paycheck), and I'd put the right amount in each envelope. Some envelopes were for this week's things I need to pay for, some were for long-term savings. For instance, I'd put $100 in groceries/pharmacy. And when I ran out of money, well, I ran out of money until next paycheck. It really teaches you how to manage what you spend, when you only see $20 left in that envelope.

 

Or I'd put $5 in the clothes envelope, and I'd know I can't buy anything until I'd saved up enough money to afford it.

 

When next paycheck comes around, I'd look in the 'weekly' envelopes and if there was anything left over, I'd move it over to the long-term envelopes to help those out.

 

I'd look at the budget every couple of months and see if it needed to be adjusted, and do so.

 

Starter Envelope System

 

How to Do Envelope Budgeting: 5 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

[Fruitee]

Oh that is so cool. I will definetly try that. I also read about doing excel sheet of budget. Like how much you earn and spent and then calculate how much you should be spending per thing. E.g. savings 20 % of salary, clothes 5 % of salary etc. I have this feeling I need to get my stuff in order before going in another relationship.

[turnera]

My brother's a CPA (accountant). He told me to set up an Excel file with all the expenses I thought I'd have, and cross column would be the months. Each day when you get home, you open the file and enter the items you paid for that day. Easy way to keep track of how much you're really spending and where you need to cut back. But the envelopes will really keep you from overspending.

[Fruitee]

I think my problem is over spending. So I will really look into that. Especially with food and clothes. I will start to draw cash and put aside money to those envelopes. Then i dont spend too much for clothes for example.

[Fruitee]

One of my worst fears came true and I saw crazy ex baby mama the one he cheated on with me or other way around.. I dont even know. I dont know if she recognize me. But I kept my distance and tried to ignore her. All of that bs came back to me during the next night and i wasnt able to sleep. But then i was fine again. I didnt feel mortified or angry or scared or anything. She was just one face among many but it was uncomfortable. No drama was involved. She looked rather plain and was wearing ugly shoes. Lol. I guess I had thought of her some how better than me so it was good to notice she was just normal person. I dont think she even noticed me. Or if she did at least she didnt cause any drama.

[Fruitee]

I think this thread is coming to its end soon.

 

I have got my **** together. I have got promoted (again), Uni is going well, I have made new friends. I have got new hobbies, organizations. I have very lively social life.

 

And now. I have fallen in love. It came out of the blue. We are both surprised by it. For 2 years I have searched someone like him. I have found new qualities of myself. He is like one of my best friends. We have respect towards each other. We compliment and reiforce each others.

 

All my dating and dissapointments make sense now.

 

Im funny, kind and caring. I have lost my attitude and doubts.

 

I trust myself and my life.

 

I am strong and beautiful.

[Lizabigs]

Understanding that a person doesn't bring you problems. If you feel bad, this is how I feel, if you feel so bad that you can't recover. I don't agree this person was right. The person isn't responsible for you so chances are, you struggled before the relationship. I went through some violating horrible things in my "breakup". I was hacked, told I was just garbage and criminally. I know myself enough to know that charges are a must. It was to long but at the end of the day, the problems I face today as a result of this don't differ. Sure, I could have healed rather instead of been dragged but now that he's gone.. It was just me with issues before and after. Does that make sense.

 

Men are selfish. If anyone tells you different, they are all selfish. You can't ever blame a man for wanting more. You can only take the illegal parts that he made a problem and get justice for yourself or understand, ah I had these problems before and most of us have issues!

[turnera]

Uh, okay...

 

Just remember, you can come back in 6 months if you need to.

 

Good luck.

[Fruitee]

^ I know. But I dont think anyone can treat me like my ex treated me. I have grown toi strong for that. I dont tolerate any type of bs. I can walk away. I know I will survive even in break ups. This guy is nothing like my previous dudes. Its still very fresh and new and I know there is possibility it might not last but I want to enjoy my life and his company. If it comes to an end then it does. Im not worried. I have my own life and things and he is like bonus in my life. Addition. Not my all and everything. But someone to share and give.

[turnera]

What happened to just learning to be ok by yourself? To swearing off men? I guess you were lying to us and shopping for a man all along?

[Fruitee]

What happened to just learning to be ok by yourself? To swearing off men? I guess you were lying to us and shopping for a man all along?

I havent been lying. I have no reason to lie. I have been alone. I have taken care of myself. I have been without a man.

 

I have turned my life around from selfdestructive behaviour to loving myself and creating my kind of life to myself. I have got so many new friends even it has been a struggle to me. I have started new hobbies and joined organizations and I support animal rights and help kids in need. I feel good at work. I exercise. I eat healthy. I dont drink too much. I dont need my sleep medication. I can fall asleep. I feel much better at work and Im motivated to do my work.

 

I wasnt even looking for anyone. I met this guy by a chance. And dont worry Im not going any of the mistakes I did. Im not trusting blindly and I have my eyes open. If something is off I walk away. But right now I am very happy.

 

And I am talking to my friends about him and they have promised to help me if it starts to look like Im going down the rabbit hole.

 

Im not getting married or having kids. Im just dating someone who is honest, open, nice, gentle and beautiful.

[Fruitee]

Hello. I thought Id come and give small update.

 

My work is going very well. I have really been pushing myself out of my shell and comfort zone. I am taking new responsibilities and tasks and projects and I told my manager I want even more demanding work and that I need a raise. She promised to get back to me. But I feel good about my work. I have also applied for other jobs but nothing yet.

 

I finished last semester at school with excellent grades. I got very good grade even from one of the most demanding teachers class. Now I have one more course left and my thesis. I even talked to the company CEO about my Thesis and got valuable feedback and help from him.

 

I have been taking extra good care of myself. I only recently understood how much even the little things matter. So now I have got good winter attire, I got my hair done, I am using nail polish and I feel so good when I take care of myself. I am eating more fruit and veggies and going to gym again. I go to bed early. I have got new hobby with my best friend.

 

And I am in a relationship. I am taking my time and space. He is so nice and caring and gentle. I still panic sometimes but I have managed to be open and honest. I feel like I have grown as a person so much and I have learned so much of myself.

 

It has been long and painful journey but now I am so happy I went through it all.

 

I dont think I would be same as I am now without going through all of that ****. I was so unhappy and horrible person. Karma really is a bitch. But I learned my lesson and detoxed myself.

 

I have cut ties to all toxic people and stopped talking to ****boys. I am focusing on myself and my wellbeing.

 

I dont know what future holds but I do know I will survive no matter what. And even if I am alone I still have myself and my life. I am not worried anymore. I have strenght and faith.

[turnera]

Great update! The only thing I would ask is that you keep going to an IC. If for nothing else, then for an outside opinion to make sure everything's going ok.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hello. I thought Id come and give small update.

 

My work is going very well. I have really been pushing myself out of my shell and comfort zone. I am taking new responsibilities and tasks and projects and I told my manager I want even more demanding work and that I need a raise. She promised to get back to me. But I feel good about my work. I have also applied for other jobs but nothing yet.

 

I finished last semester at school with excellent grades. I got very good grade even from one of the most demanding teachers class. Now I have one more course left and my thesis. I even talked to the company CEO about my Thesis and got valuable feedback and help from him.

 

I have been taking extra good care of myself. I only recently understood how much even the little things matter. So now I have got good winter attire, I got my hair done, I am using nail polish and I feel so good when I take care of myself. I am eating more fruit and veggies and going to gym again. I go to bed early. I have got new hobby with my best friend.

 

And I am in a relationship. I am taking my time and space. He is so nice and caring and gentle. I still panic sometimes but I have managed to be open and honest. I feel like I have grown as a person so much and I have learned so much of myself.

 

It has been long and painful journey but now I am so happy I went through it all.

 

I dont think I would be same as I am now without going through all of that ****. I was so unhappy and horrible person. Karma really is a bitch. But I learned my lesson and detoxed myself.

 

I have cut ties to all toxic people and stopped talking to ****boys. I am focusing on myself and my wellbeing.

 

I dont know what future holds but I do know I will survive no matter what. And even if I am alone I still have myself and my life. I am not worried anymore. I have strenght and faith.

 

You can hear it, you've arrived!

[Fruitee]

Hi! Actually I had already decided to visit the same therapist I saw last year again. My insurance covers visits again and I thought last year I should have continued but didnt have means. So now that it is new year I can go again.

 

I also visited normal doctor to talk about my medications and I will go to gynecologist as well. I have new amount of medicine now and 2 months and I will see if its working as its supposed to.

 

I have my volunteering still. Im still doing that.

 

And I talk to my friends a lot. Just to make sure Im not going down rabbit hole.

[Fruitee]

At work I have been working hard on my feelings towards certain people here. There are some workers who I dont like. I dont even know why. So I have been pushing myself to change my attitude towards colleagues. I dont need to be friends with them. But I need to be nice and professional. So I have been working on that.

 

I am also more open towards my friends. At the beginning I was spending way too much time with my bf and we had some problems. This time i actually listened to my friend who said to take it slow. So now things are going much better.

 

I meet him 1 to 2 times per week and we usually spent weekend nights together. E.g. last week we met only once and had separate plans for weekend but spent weekend nights together.

 

I think we have now found good balance on how often we meet. We have time for our own projects and stuff but also quality time together.

 

At the beginning I was keeping my eye on even the smallest details. Now i have relaxed a bit.

 

We have kinda a lot of common. But its not just surface but we have things common in fundamental level too.

 

I have been doing lot of reflecting on why things didnt work out with my exes. What actions led to cheating and so on. Now i know what i need to avoid.

 

From the start i wasnt attached to anyone. Straight from the beginning i stopped talking to other guys. I told anyone who contacted me that im taken. I meet my friends but i have decided not to go to clubs alone with my friends or dance with other guys. I have still some work to do on myself. So i dont wanna risk it.

 

I also went back to my list.

 

He has job. He has home. He has goals and dreams and ambition. We had once fight because of my trust issues but at least so far i havent caught him lying. He have never stood me up. If we have plans he comes.

 

He calls me. He texts very little. If we are together he dont even have his phone in his hand unless he is checking something. Usually he is not online in whatsapp at all if he is with me.

 

During work days he texts only during breaks but calls me after work or texts. There has been only once when he didnt answer me in like 6 hours because he was busy with his project. And once he didnt text me that he got home after being out with his brother. But its not like i text him either all the time. And since he is not big texter i didnt make big deal out of it and he understood how important it is to me. So that hasnt happened again.

 

He is always paying for everything. At one point i actually had to tell him to stop paying for everything. And he let me pay for something too. But he is always cooking and doing the dishes and paying for everything. Now he is letting me do some stuff too. Like if i have idea of what i want to cook he lets me.

 

He is not sexist or sarcastic at all. He takes offense for sexist etc jokes. But he is super polite. Opening doors. Making sure i am comfortable and so on. He is super gently and againts violence and all kinds of rough sex etc.

 

What else...

 

He dont compliment me too much. He might say like once a week or something that i look pretty. But he is not telling me how i am gift from god or angel or something like that. If he compliments me its nice surprise or for reason. E.g. he was hangover and i went to get pizza and he said Im an angel.

 

He is not texting me how im sexy and he wants me. Once he saw me in sexy slip and he stopped and looked at me. But didnt say anything. He never texts me anything sexual. And he never demands sex. It is always mutual that starts with cuddles etc.

 

He dont have lock in his phone. He dont hide his phone. I have now key to his place because i once went there after work and he was staying later at work.

 

Everything seems like way too good to be true and I feel like something horrible is going to happen soon.

 

Ofc he has faults too and its still very early. But i find myself doubting if this really is real. Its hard to believe someone would like me and not cheat on me or like other women at tinder and actually values me.

[Fruitee]

That list is awesome idea. I already have couple things in my list after that crazy guy. Like 1. Dont answer my texts in 3 days. 2. Turns phone off for no reason. 3. Stoods me up more than twice. 4 . Drinks too much. 5. Cant spend weekend at home. 6. Wants to have sex during first weeks of dating. 7. Thinks all of his exes are crazy. 8. Has never been in long relationship. 9. Dont have a job. 10. Didnt finish school due to lazyness. Stuff like that. I need to think more of this.

 

Additions to my list: if guy says "you are crazy" "what is wrong with you" "if you think / say so" "why do you wanna start something" "i dont have time for this bs" "you are stupid"

 

I searched for my old list. I have had like no boundaries and self respect...

[Fruitee]

So I was doing some self reflecting on why my previous serious relationship didnt work out and why I was hang upon on him. As I wrote previously one of the reasons why I chose wrong guys for me was because of my ex.

 

Now I have realised I only thought that we had things in common. But actually we just both liked some same stuff e.g. movies and pizza. But in the deeper level we didnt have that much in common. Like similar values or dreams or political ideas.

 

And I wasnt getting my needs fulfilled. During my relationship with my crazy ex I was really put to face my needs. Because the pain of not getting my needs filled was unbearable. I feel like it broke me 100 %.

 

I think I am stronger now. Not so dependant of a man but I also have needs that I need to be filled without some one telling me Im asking too much and being needy and so on.

 

You know like someone saying what do you want from me and why do you complain because we just spent time together.

 

I dont want to feel like that ever again. Im rather alone than listening to some bs from a man how Im demanding too much.

 

I have also understood that I have put too much embhasis on external factors. I dont need suites and fancy dinners. I need love and compassion and someone holding my hand and talking about french poetry.

[Fruitee]

Oh yeah. I also spoke to bank about my money stuff and got good advice. Then I cleaned my closet and made list of things I need. Because I felt like I was shopping all the time because I have "nothing to wear." So I made a list. And bought the stuff on my list. Gave all my other clothes that I never use to single dad who needed clothes for his kid. Now my closet is clean. I have everything I need. And I dont need to buy anything. So I decided not to buy anything this year. I have like 5 things I can buy e.g. new bra. Everything else no go. I have even been avoiding coffee shops and eating out and so on. This is huge improvement in my life.

[Fruitee]

Oh my these messages just keep coming.

 

I have also noticed how my behaviour and attitude towards bf has been totally different than what it was towards many others. When he asked me out I said straight away yes. I was early on our date. And I was so nervous. I was sweaty. Haha. But then when I saw him it just felt so natural and I was so funny and telling him jokes and talking about art.

 

Even now I feel gentle and calm and content. I dont want to hurt him. I am cute and corny. I have lost my bad bitch attitude and sarcasm and mean jokes. Im soft and weak. Even when Im teasing him Im watching my words so I dont say something I will regret later.

 

When we were fighting and I felt like running I stayed and thought how he would feel or how I would feel if he did that to me. So I was calm and expressed myself. And another time when I felt anxious I told him I need to go home to think about things but Im not leaving him I just need time to process. I didnt go hiding. Or enter my shell. Or said its fine or whatever or it dont matter. I analysed my trigger and emotions and reactions. And we talked it through.