New story for you guys to enjoy !!

[G8trgirl]

sorry to keep posting I am just trying to keep my sanity right now my heart rate is in the 140's whew...

[Downtown]

I actually bought a book today to help me and now ...ughhh

GatorGirl, I offer several more suggestions that may be helpful:

 

As an initial matter, if you decide your BF is exhibiting strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT try to persuade him of that. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist or psychiatrist and let that professional decide what to tell him.

 

Second, for tips on how to establish and enforce strong personal boundaries, I recommend the book Codependent No More and and Shari Schreiber's blog article, Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved? I also recommend you read an online psychiatric nurse's blog, which provides 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing. If you think you have it bad, remember that those psychiatric nurses have to deal with BPDers for hours every work day.

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily -- the most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Leaving" board and the "Parenting after the Split" board.

 

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily, I suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10).

 

Finally, please keep in mind that, if your BF really does have strong and persistent BPD traits, he likely is a good person who is very caring much of the time. A BPDer's problem is not being bad but, rather, being emotionally immature -- causing him to be emotionally unstable. The result is that he lacks the skill to regulate his emotions. This leads to his frequently having feelings so intense that they distort his perceptions of your intentions and motivations. Hence, when a BPDer is angry with you, he genuinely believes you are the source of his unhappiness. This is why BPD is often referred to as a "thought distortion."

 

Lest this seem strange or bizarre to you, I observe that it is the human condition for all adults -- even healthy adults -- to experience thought distortions whenever they have intense feelings. Indeed, we all have experienced this so many thousands of times that, by the time we are in high school, we already know our judgment goes out the window whenever our feelings our intense.

 

This is why we all try to keep our mouths shut when we are very angry, until we have time to cool down -- and try to wait a year or two before buying the ring when we are very infatuated. Well, BPDers are like this too -- only much more so because they are less skilled at regulating their emotions to avoid intense feelings.

[G8trgirl]

No way was I going to even mention this to him. I know better than that. He would flip so fast. I know he is a great guy I have experienced it. He made me feel special and actually does great nice thoughtful things when he is in his nice phase. Last week I was out of soda and he knows I love soda so he bought me some from the store even though he was upset at me. I had no way to drive there at the time and he just text me btw I have you some Cokes all this was after a fight. well I didn't fight he just vented and yelled at me bc our son didn't have an extra pair of socks in his diaper bag.

 

I see the kindness in his eyes when he is seeking intimacy and not just sexually either. He holds me and we just lay in each others arms like we are the only people in the world and sometimes we talk sometimes we just lay there.

 

this is so hard on me. Because I see those times and actually have them with him and then its horrible and everything is my fault and I am satans spawn and he cant focus on work bc of me or sleep bc of me. he said I was going to cause him to have a stroke.

 

but yes I see the emotional immaturity as clear as day now. Even with him not letting me know where my so is and just a quick message. If I did that to him he would go nuts.

 

this is going to be so hard

 

was all of this love fake?

[G8trgirl]

Also, I have been trying to find good articles to read and the nursing one will be great bc well I am currently in my second year of nursing school.

[Downtown]

Was all of this love fake?

No, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, none of it was fake. Because this is the question that the abused partners most frequently ask, I have already told you several times that he almost certainly loves you and your son. I also have cautioned, however, that a BPDer loves in an immature way -- like a young child is able to love. This means that a BPDer cannot love in the mature way that is needed to sustain a marriage or other close LTR with an adult.

 

This inability to love in a mature way, however, does not imply he is unable to love you. On the contrary, BPDers love very intensely -- just as young children do. If you doubt this, simply ask any parent whether they believe their child is able to love them. They will be quick to tell you, "Absolutely!"

 

The reason that BPDers are often accused of being unable to love is that they frequently are completely out of touch with that love. Like a young child, a BPDer cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. That is, when you trigger his rage, he cannot handle hating you and loving you at the same time. His subconscious therefore "splits off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love) -- putting it entirely out of reach of his conscious mind.

 

The result is that he will "split you black" and thus be able to experience only the angry feelings he has toward you. Of course, your young son will do the same thing for a few years. As I noted earlier, you son will see "wonderful mom" or "horrible mom" and nothing in between, because he is too immature to handle strong mixed feelings. Importantly, this behavior does not mean the love has disappeared or that it is weak.

[G8trgirl]

ok more more question before I try to sleep but will he just stop all of this? just on his own say no more like he has and be done. split me black permanently so to speak or will this go on until I actually do something more aggressive about it?

 

Normally, I would have text him a few times about our son and I have not. I would have asked where he was with our son and I have not. I only sent the one message directed at our son short and simple. I have messaged with his sis in law about an Scentsy order and I haven't mentioned one thing about him or our son normally I would make a comment bc she is who's house he was at last night.

 

I was married for a long time before so I know the don't do the constant text or calls and all that. I don't act silly. I am a pretty mature 40 y/o woman. I want whats best for my son and yes this does freak me out. But all I can do is try to understand it. But is this something where if they find someone new their attention shifts away?

[Downtown]

Will he just stop all of this? just on his own say no more like he has and be done. split me black permanently so to speak or will this go on until I actually do something more aggressive about it?

I don't know. As I said, I've never met the man and thus cannot know how strong his BPD traits are. Moreover, I cannot know whether he also suffers from some other co-occurring disorder. On top of that, I am not a psychologist. Hence, the best I can do is to point you to literature describing the warning signs so you can decide, for yourself, what warning signs you are seeing.

 

Importantly, it is not difficult to spot these red flags. Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot any strong BPD traits when they occur.

 

As to whether he will "split me black permanently," my experience is that -- if he has strong BPD traits -- that likely will occur eventually, probably after about 15 years. But nothing is certain and I've not seen any statistics on it. The reason it likely will occur eventually -- if his BPD traits are strong -- is that, as the years go on, a BPDer usually grows increasingly resentful of his partner's inability to make him happy (an impossible task). On top of that, he may grow increasingly fearful of abandonment as he sees you establishing stronger personal boundaries each year (so as to maintain your sanity and stand up for yourself).

 

Please note, however, that I said this is the likely outcome "if he has strong BPD traits." Significantly, I don't know how strong his traits are. You likely are the only one who knows whether they are at a normal, moderate, or strong level. Seeing those traits is easy when you've been dating a man for a year. What is hard -- and what requires a professional to diagnose -- is whether his traits are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD.

 

Yet, a man satisfying only 85% of those criteria (and thus not having full-blown BPD) would be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%. So, for purposes of deciding whether he is serious husband material, a formal diagnosis doesn't buy you anything. This is why I have encouraged you to decide for yourself (after learning the BPD warning signs) and to seek a candid opinion from your own psychiatrist/psychologist (based entirely on your description of his behaviors).

 

Is this something where if they find someone new their attention shifts away?

As in any group of people, some portion of BPDers will cheat on their partners. As a group, however, most BPDers are not cheaters. The reason they have a reputation of leaving many lovers in their wake is not that they are cheaters but, rather, because they push their lovers away -- as we discussed above.

 

Significantly, when most people get pushed away, they might return once or twice -- but then they walk away for good. The people who hang onto the BPDers for years and years -- as I did with my exW -- are the excessive caregivers like me. I mention this to explain why BPDers generally are not cheaters.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, never cheated on me. She had me arrested and thrown into jail on a bogus charge -- but she never cheated with another man. Hence, if you are seeing your BF do any cheating, you likely are seeing strong traits of narcissism in addition to his BPD traits.

[G8trgirl]

I really appreciate your responses and please note that I am going to discuss this with my psychiatrist whom I have been going to since I moved here in 2011. So he knows me quite well. He respects how I am with my own mental health issues so I know he will be a good person to speak with and I luckily I have an apt on the 7th of this month so soon.

 

 

Also, its true that I don't think its in his makeup to be a cheater but since we are technically broken up now due to his last outburst. He may not see it as cheating. But then again if I am picking this up and understanding this BPD he isn't really seeing anything as broken apart and more than likely in the next few days will try to contact me as if nothing happened. He is to bring our son back to me at 5 this afternoon. I guess I will see how he acts then.

 

Is it good that I haven't text him like I normally do when he has our son and is in his anger phase( I don't know what else to call it, usually its silent treatment when he has our son and things aren't good with us in his head)? I know this isn't a case of NC and winning someone back and that wasn't my intent. I am trying to figure out what I need to do and I am hopeful our son will be ok with his dad. In the past when he has pulled away while he has had our son I do text a lot and usually contact his brothers wife and ask her about him bc usually he has been there and she knows something. But this time I didn't. Just one message about 3 yesterday afternoon that simply said Good afternoon son's name hope you are staying warm and cozy and are having a good time I love you to the moon and back love mama. That was the entire text. I am wondering how he will look at this. Will he think that I am such a bad mom I don't care where our son is and see in with his black thinking or will he just note that I assumed all was good and I was busy which I kinda was and it not be a fight.

 

I did read the articles about breaking up with someone with this disorder. I took notes to fit it to my situation. I just need to know how to handle it IF he tries to woo me back in with all the sweet words and nice gestures. I have to stand strong.

 

I know you said that most with this disorder do not do the work required to "fix" themselves and I truly do not see him doing it. IF he is diagnosed with this I see him basically calling everyone in the office a quack and getting wildly hacked off. especially if he doesn't get his Ritalin prescription. He takes 5 20 mg tablets a day and still runs out. He is trying to up it to 6 or 7 and that's when his primary dr suggested he see a pdoc. He DOES NOT want to go to this apt. It is 3 hours long. He is meeting first with a therapist and then from there she or he will give him some questionnaires and worksheets and then he will meet with the Pdoc. I know this bc I actually went with him to his family dr last visit bc he wanted to talk to her about getting a referral to an urologist to get a vasectomy and he wanted to talk to her about why he was having trouble urinating and some other bedroom issues. I am just being totally honest here with you guys that read this. Please don't think I am selling him out. He didn't want anyone to know and is highly embarrassed. That's where I came in for him at this apt was to bring those issues up with the dr and with him present of course but where I am a second year nursing student about to start my 6th semester and I can understand a lot of the medical things she would be saying could possibly be the issue before referring him. Of course, I am not a dummy and I do research and asked questions of my own with nurses and drs I come in contact with at clinicals but as I am sure you know he says I don't know what I am talking about. Funny though, there are sometimes he comes to me or his family does with little issues and say is ok and totally possible. I mean I am not doling out Dx's here with his family or him when heh asks just staying within my scope. You know when people find out your are a nurse or accountant or realtor etc... and always ask for advice.

 

I know I am rambling but hoping that something I say might help someone with their situation or with someone giving me advice. You never see these things yourself lol.

I do hope to get my head on straight and jump on over to some boards I might have some good advice on as I was on here before and on another forum that was about saving marriages and I was there a long time and did a lot of the things you are suppose to do and I think I might be a good resource for those in marriages either fighting for or going through a divorce after long term. I just need to get my head right.

 

Downtown, I spent quite a few hours on the BPDfamily site but haven't signed up yet. I was a total mess last night and well still trying to keep calm this morning. I read a lot of threads and wow so many similar cases. I didn't know this affected so many. I did read that mostly women are dx'ed with this and was wondering is that bc more women seek mental health help than men? I have actually been thinking about going into the mental health field as a NP (Nurse Practitioner). This field has a lot of interest for me as I have journeyed through it in the 20 years since I was first dx'ed with at the time all these- Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, GAD and PTSD from some childhood trauma.

 

I have sister that has her Master's in Psych and works as a forensic psychologist at a prison back where I am from, Downtown, I think you know the area since you pegged me in your first post to me lol. I haven't discussed this with her yet. She may be a good resource too.

 

Again,I know I am rambling. My mind is scared of what to do and how to react to him this afternoon. Follow his lead with whatever mood he is in? I kinda feel like he is going to still be pushing me away. So that might be good but how to I handle it. I guess I am asking do I react nice and smile and act like all is good or do I need to be curt and short with him?

 

On the BPDfamily site there is a forum with people trying to save their R with their loved ones. Is that where I will get the best info on dealing with him for now?

 

Thank you all for reading. I know its kinda a mess but I can get it out here and hopefully get myself healed so I can take care of my son and know how to handle co parenting with my ex.

 

PS I have 6 other children with my exH and we have no issues co parenting. Two of them are grown and the others are ages 15, 13, 8 and 7 and we do fine with our parenting together. Of course we hit snags but we work through them. I guess I expected the same with my ex bf. But with my ex H his issues was he was a serial cheater and still is as he is cheating on the girl he is living with now. He moved in with her right after our divorce was final. She is a good woman and very good to our kiddos. I am blessed there.

 

Thanks again everyone who reads and posts. I appreciate it so much.

[Downtown]

Is it good that I haven't text him like I normally do when he has our son and is in his anger phase?

Trust your own judgment and that of your own psychiatrist. You know your BF's behavior very well. I don't.

 

I am wondering how he will look at this. Will he think that I am such a bad mom I don't care where our son is and see in with his black thinking or will he just note that I assumed all was good and I was busy which I kinda was and it not be a fight.

You are overthinking this. Do you ask these sort of questions to yourself when dealing with your 7-year-old? No, you simply make the best decision and let him deal with it. I mention this because, if your BF has strong BPD traits, he likely has the emotional development of a 3- or 4-year-old. This means you never know exactly how he will respond because his perception of your intentions will be heavily colored by whatever intense feelings he is feeling at the moment.

 

With BPDers and young children, you can get completely different reactions to the very same action -- depending on how they are feeling at that time. With my exW and her two sisters, I could make them burst out laughing to the very same joke told on 8 separate occasions. Then, when telling it a ninth time, one of them would take great offense and stop speaking to me for days.

 

I just need to know how to handle it IF he tries to woo me back in with all the sweet words and nice gestures. I have to stand strong.

Given that you cannot go NC due to the co-parenting, the best way to help him lose interest in you (romantically) is to become very very boring to him. Some folks call this "grey rocking" because the objective is to stop being the shiny jewel or bauble that catches his eye -- and, instead, become the dull grey rock. When he asks how you feel or what you think, for example, say something vague like "Doing okay" or "I'm still undecided about it."

 

I guess I am asking do I react nice and smile and act like all is good or do I need to be curt and short with him?

You will behave more warmly when he is respecting your personal boundaries than when he is not. Moreover, don't hesitate to take legal action if it is needed to protect your rights as the mother. Remember, with BPDers, it is impossible to build up a store of good will on which you can later draw during the hard times.

 

That store of good will be as lasting as a sandcastle built next to the sea shore. It will be washed away by the next tide of intense feelings flooding his mind. The BPDer's perception of reality -- like that of a young child -- is whatever intense feeling he is experiencing RIGHT NOW. He therefore is capable of being very appreciative for a few hours -- maybe even for a few days. But, after that, it's always "What have you done for me lately?" I mention this because, if he is a BPDer, it would be foolish to make any great sacrifice thinking it will smooth your path later on.

 

IF he is diagnosed with this I see him basically calling everyone in the office a quack and getting wildly hacked off.

Yes, this is how nearly all high functioning BPDers respond to the news. This is the primary reason therapists don't tell them, i.e., the therapists know they almost certainly will get angry and quit therapy. And therapists know that the insurance company almost certainly will refuse to cover treatments for BPD. It therefore is common for the therapist to list only the co-occurring "clinical disorders," i.e., those treatable with medication and covered by insurance.

 

I think I might be a good resource for those in marriages either fighting for or going through a divorce after long term.

Yes, absolutely. By sharing your experiences, you likely are helping numerous other LoveShack members and lurkers. In just two days, your thread has already attracted about 550 views.

 

I didn't know this affected so many.

The lifetime incidence of full-blown BPD is 6% for the general population. Because BPDers nearly always date a non-BPDer, this figure likely implies that about 12% of relationships include a BPDer. Moreover, because BPDers generally leave a long trail of ex-lovers they pushed away, the percent of affected relationships likely is well above 12%. Indeed, that figure is higher still when you start including all the folks having BPD traits that are strong but not so severe that they satisfy the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD.

 

I did read that mostly women are dx'ed with this and was wondering is that bc more women seek mental health help than men?

Yes, exactly. It is well known that women are far more willing to seek both medical and mental help than is true for men. In 2008, a large-scale, randomized study was done in which nearly 35,000 American adults were evaluated for BPD in face-to-face sessions with psychologists. It found that the incidence of BPD is statistically the same for both genders.

 

I have actually been thinking about going into the mental health field as a NP (Nurse Practitioner). This field has a lot of interest for me as I have journeyed through it in the 20 years since I was first dx'ed with at the time all these- Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, GAD and PTSD from some childhood trauma.

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Your more-than-20-years of experience has given you a knowledge base that people simply cannot learn from textbooks.

 

I think you know the area.

Yes. Lived there nearly 4 years. Thank the Lord that the soil is sandy. Otherwise, we all would have drowned there. At 2:00 every afternoon throughout the summer, the moisture would converge from both coasts -- causing a torrential downpour lasting only a half hour. Then the skies would suddenly clear, with not even one cloud left in sight. And all that water completely vanished into the sandy soil. It seemed like the city passed through a car wash every day at 2:00.

 

My mind is scared of what to do and how to react to him this afternoon. Follow his lead with whatever mood he is in?

No. Granted, if he is a BPDer, he has the intelligence, cunning, knowledge, and body strength of a full grown adult -- but has the emotional maturity of a four year old. Instead of following his lead, you should use your own judgement -- with professional advice from your attorney and psychiatrist.

 

On the BPDfamily site there is a forum with people trying to save their R with their loved ones. Is that where I will get the best info on dealing with him for now?

If you decide that your BF's BPD traits are only moderate, then the "Improving a Relationship" message board likely will provide useful tips. Yet, if you decide his traits are strong and he is unwilling to work hard for several years in therapy, I doubt that all the tips in the world would be any real help. In that case, I would recommend the "Leaving" and "Parenting after the Split" message boards.

[Itspointless]

So I just read your post from 2012, does this mean that you have eight kids now? Seven with a serial cheater and one with someone who probably has a disorder, which makes him incapable of a healthy relationship.

 

Have you considered therapy after everything with you ex-husband?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am just catching up on your thread.

 

My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD but refused to seek treatment. He displays very strong BPD traits and is what we might call a "textbook" sufferer. Downtown has already talked at length about what BPD entails and the many shades of the disorder so I won't get into the specifics. Downtown is the resident BPD-expert, so to speak. Lots of helpful and pracitcal insight in those posts!

 

For your own sanity, you need to find peace in your life which will more than likely mean without him. I don't have a child with my ex, but I went through emotional h*ll with him. I have never felt so belittled, loved, hated and worthless in my entire life. One moment I was a goddess and the next, the devil incarnate. His temper was just terrible and triggered by the most (seemingly) innocuous things. He regularly broke up with me, and yes, met up with other women during those breaks. In his head, it wasn't cheating because we weren't technically a couple. It still hurt me like h*ll.

 

I moved on by my ex still tried to get my attention. Started being overly nice and wanting to meet. He is with another woman these days (and I myself have a wonderful man in my life now!) but he still occasionally tries to get in touch. He went so far as telling me it was okay to meet because he'd told his new girlfriend I was just "an old friend" that he wanted to have coffee with - uh, no. Needless to say, I didn't accept his offer and I blocked him from contacting me at all after that.

 

My point is that unless the sufferer recognizes they have problems and want to change, they will likely never get better. As you can see from my case, my ex still has major problems with boundaries and emotional regulation. You can't make him better. But you can certainly be the the calm, reliable and solid pillar your children will need.

Edited January 3, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[G8trgirl]

itspointless- I have 6 children with my ex husband and one with my now ex bf. I am and have been in therapy. My marriage was a struggle but I tried hard to make it work.

 

I was on BC with an IUD called ParaGard whom I was told by my OB dr that it had been not placed properly when I had it put in . I don't know what truth is to that but I couldn't change the fact that I was having a baby. Yes we didn't use a condom and yes I probably should have but hindsight is 20/20

[Itspointless]

itspointless- I have 6 children with my ex husband and one with my now ex bf. I am and have been in therapy. My marriage was a struggle but I tried hard to make it work.

 

I was on BC with an IUD called ParaGard whom I was told by my OB dr that it had been not placed properly when I had it put in . I don't know what truth is to that but I couldn't change the fact that I was having a baby. Yes we didn't use a condom and yes I probably should have but hindsight is 20/20

Yes you tried hard! That wasn't my point, I think you even tried too hard What I meant is that it probably is a good idea to put some rest in your life, in so far that is possible with seven children!

 

I am not really sure what those abbreviations means: English is not my first language and I am sure there are other terms for those where I live. Sometimes things happen as they do. But sometimes at the same time things also happen because we attract certain people in our lives. There is no blaming there, but you might want to work a bit more on that. Just as I need to continue working on why I attracted a women who was dismissive-avoidant attached in 2013 who replayed a youth-trauma for me.

[G8trgirl]

ok guys, I will probably catch some flack for this and it might be well deserved and please feel free to fire away at me

 

Ex came home about 10:30 Central time this am. I was taking garbage to the apt dumpster and luckily he didn't see me but I watched him pull in. I went back to my apt and have been fairly nervous bc I don't know which ex will be there when I get my son today. I forgot I have to go get our son from him today. Its the pick up drop off court order. Anyway, I hadn't heard anything from him which is kinda weird but who knows.

Anyway, I decided to send him a text bc I wanted to feel out his mood plus I did need a piece of info as sometimes even though the order says for the parent he is going to to go get him he will most times bring our son to me.

 

here is the exchange and yes I baited him a little .

 

hello guys!!!!! Hope you are enjoying this chilly day

 

My question to you ex is how do you want to do exchange today? I cant wait to see him. I miss his smiles.

 

Thanks

 

his response 9 mins later:

I'll be at home. Come over and get him.

 

I did immediately respond:

Ok thanks I will be there at 5.

 

got no response from him of course and I get why bc the exchange is all settled

 

I sent him this after 8 mins

I would like for this to be a nice and peaceful deal. I hope you feel the same. Again I cant wait to see his sweet smiles.

 

Again no response so I think I know where this is going but I am still fishing. You guys can gut me later yikes

 

5 mins after no response I sent this:

Oh yeah I forgot did you want to do this curbside or how? I , again just want things happy and peaceful as possible for all of us.

 

 

6mins later he responded with:

Just come to my door

 

yep I do see that he is being very short and very he doesn't care.

so still pushing the envelope I sent back

 

You got it (smiley face) should I wear something sexy?

 

now the should I wear something sexy is something that he and I used to send in texts all the time whenever we were coming over to the other ones place

 

Well THAT got no response lol so I sent:

Just trying to get a small smile. Seriously just relax. See you gentlemen at 5

 

Again no response, someone please hit me over the head

 

so 22 mins after no response I text this:

 

Ok, So strictly business? No smiles, laughs or generally being nice between us anymore? hmmm ok.

 

ONE minute later I got this:

Why would you say that?

 

I didn't respond. Still haven't. I came here to see if I should and as I was typing this 26 mins after the last text he sent me I just got this:

 

Listen, you want to wear something sexy and or skimpy, I 'm not going to tell you no! (winky face)

 

Yeah I know I should have stopped after we settled the exchange but you guys know how it is sometimes. I need to learn that I don't have to have all the answers lol

 

Its just weird bc that last text he sent wouldn't be his normal response. Usually like I said we both say that to each other and we both ALWAYS give the same response. " Honey everything you wear is sexy" yep its cheesy but its one of those things we have done forever even when he was long distance and I was going to see him or he was coming here.

 

Now I just got another text that says:

 

In fact come on over and we can talk and maybe mess around while son is asleep.

 

Oh jeez, I guess I asked for it.

 

I am not going until 5. But do you guys and gals with experience with this see that he didn't make much comment until I pulled back with the "keeping it strictly business" text after he didn't respond. Then when I didn't respond I got the 3 more texts. So he had cool control of the situation and then maybe felt I was pulling away and being ok with him not "flirting" back or responding and now I am getting his nice guy come show me you love me so I can push you away thing

He just text again;

 

Hey seriously, come on down I do miss you.

 

oh boy, I asked for it I guess. Don't worry I am not going till 5. I just text him that I had some dinner in the oven that I couldn't leave.

 

ok ....I am ready for bashing

[Itspointless]

oh boy, I asked for it I guess. Don't worry I am not going till 5. I just text him that I had some dinner in the oven that I couldn't leave.

 

ok ....I am ready for bashing

No bashing. With this exchange you showed him that he still has cords on you to pull.

 

Do you think you can fix him?

[G8trgirl]

Itspointless, No I do not think I can fix him. I think everything I have read on this disorder basically says that.

 

What do you mean by I showed him he still has cords on me to pull?

 

I truly don't understand what you mean.

 

Thanks for your response

[Itspointless]

Itspointless, No I do not think I can fix him. I think everything I have read on this disorder basically says that.

 

What do you mean by I showed him he still has cords on me to pull?

 

I truly don't understand what you mean.

 

Thanks for your response

You showed him that you cared very much for an exchange. By taking his bait when he was ignoring you. He is playing you, that is what I meant. Because, yes you asked for it.

 

I understand that you want to have a friendly exchange, but you better can have nice exchanges with others and keep it minimal with him. Just be friendly and talk about you son.

[G8trgirl]

Oh ok now I understand. But to my credit he picked up our son Friday and I only sent one message to our son and that's it. Until this exchange.

 

Thanks, I will work on that. I was trying to see what kind of reaction I could get today. But I see what you are saying and I do need to make a plan with my therapist on this

[Itspointless]

I think it is a good plan to discus this with your therapist!

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't respond at first because he's controlling and manipulative and knew it would upset you. My ex used to do crap like that too. He always wanted to call the shots, just like yours is doing. He wants to put you in your place by essentially giving you permission to "mess around" when you arrive. It's an awful form of emotional abuse. He got exactly what he wanted - you virtually leaping for his attention - which strokes his ego; he makes you feel like you're begging him for affection so he feels all puffed up when he decides "oh alright..fine, I'll sleep with you." The longer he took to respond, the more antsy and attention-hungry you became (this is not meant as an insult, please don't take it that way!)

 

I won't bash because I have been in your shoes with a guy like that. It's maddening. But it feels so good to take your own power back too and refuse to play games with him anymore. Looking back at my ex now, I often wonder why I did such things too. They leave you feeling worthless when really they are the ones with problems.

[G8trgirl]

Good thing was I went at 5 and picked up my son and told him I had a ton of things to finish before tomorrow and had to get dinner and the look on his face was almost priceless. Then he said well text me after our son is asleep and I will come down and hang out. I told him I couldn't tonight maybe we could hang out some other time this week. He didn't get mad but he did get huffy. He made the comment that he guesses that what me moving on feels like. I just left and came home. I was there 15 mins tops.

 

He has been texting asking if he can help and asking about if I can watch our son when he has his apt bc that's his day with him. I haven't responded.

 

I guess that's a step

 

Thanks

[G8trgirl]

The nastiness is back today big time. He actually called not text but called and yelled at me and called me every name he could think of because he had an issue at work with a day that he has to take off for our son's hernia surgery. He said I scheduled the surgery on the day he worked on purpose. Ummm ...no they scheduled it with you .

 

I have been called everything under the sun today

 

Then I was told to stay out of his life forever

 

ugh...ok

[ExpatInItaly]

The nastiness is back today big time. He actually called not text but called and yelled at me and called me every name he could think of because he had an issue at work with a day that he has to take off for our son's hernia surgery. He said I scheduled the surgery on the day he worked on purpose. Ummm ...no they scheduled it with you .

 

I have been called everything under the sun today

 

Then I was told to stay out of his life forever

 

ugh...ok

 

My heart aches for you reading this. I know how this feels; my ex used to fly into rages and verbally abuse me too. Crazy accusations, name-calling, the works. I literally shook with emotion on more than one occasion because I was so hurt and upset. But I slowly learned to detach. I slowly learned to disengage. I slowly learned that his wild accusations and bizarre tantrums were not about me. I was just the convenient target/emotional punching bag.

 

It will continue. He senses he is losing his control over you and this infuriates him. My advice - hard as it is - is to not respond in the same manner. State calmly you will not tolerate being spoken to this way. And end the conversation if necessary. This takes an awful lot of willpower, I know. Keep a record of any abusive messages he is sending you.

 

Speak to your attorney again about your visitation arrangement. If he is drinking while caring for your son, that is going to be a serious problem.

[G8trgirl]

I am super nervous. He has his apt that is being forced on him by his Dr for basically an evaluation with a therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow. This is suppose to be a 3-4 hour apt. He just picked up our son for his shared time. He seemed harsh but didn't say much I could just feel it in his attitude.

 

Its crazy how just his attitude can make me doubt myself and just feel like total crap.

 

I cant wait to get to my Pdoc on Thursday to go over this.

[Been]

To be honest he sounds like a drunk. He probably thinks and acts like he closer to 25 then his real age of 40. And from what I read his family covers for him to be like that.

I dated a 48 year old woman who while she wasn't a drunk she acted like a 20 year old. One minute I'm great the next minute I'm not. And she would do whatever she wanted when she wanted.

He's too old to change just like she was. They have been doing what they want for so long their set in their ways. You need to just walk away and concentrate on your kid.