My Husband Got Up And Left

[carhill]

Thanks for the update, my sympathies and my best advice at this point is to take each day as it comes and guard against trying to digest a whole future, or many possible futures, in one fell swoop.

 

One tip I learned from our MC, mainly for caregiving but it applied to ending a marriage as well, was to focus on one success for the day, even a small success, and make that the basis for a successful day. Yeah, other stuff could go horribly, and sometimes did, but psychologically focusing on the success garnered energy and confidence to approach, adapt to and overcome the rest. I happened to be caregiving while divorcing and our divorce was final a couple months after my patient (parent) died. It was a very stressful time. You'll get through it, whatever happens. Best wishes!

[turnera]

Some men simply can't love themselves if they aren't thriving in their career. There's a reason for the saying about a man getting his worth from his career; some really DO. And when they lose it, when they have to take a downgrade, they take it personally. As though, if only THEY were better, or a better person, or deserving, they wouldn't have lost the job.

 

IIWY, I would go to him and tell him you've started packing and you'll be ready to move in two weeks. You married him for better or worse. The first time he had an opportunity to fix his career, you balked and fought.

 

This is when you get to show him that you meant your vows. You can always move back to your hometown in the future. Right now, your place is wherever your husband needs to go to get a decent job.

[VeveCakes]

Sorry this has happened to you. Sending hugs.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this tough situation especially at this time of year. What your husband has done and is doing is cruel and insanely selfish. A marriage is a partnership..a team. It sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship and is has begun to live his own life. You cannot make a relationship work on your own. You don't have a choice at this point but to move on from him.

 

Start with the legal separation and surround yourself with your loved ones. Take it day by day.

 

(BIG HUGS)

 

He came home last night, for a few hours. He finally told me that he ended up taking the job in the other city and didn't tell me. He said that he needed to get out of the rut he was in. He said he knew this would hurt me and thought he could hold it together until after the holidays to tell me. But come Christmas time the guilt got to him. I asked him if he wanted to be together and he said he wasn't sure. He left shortly after.

 

He text me this morning saying he was coming home after work (his current) job to talk about things. He's suppose to take this new job starting February 1st. It looks like I might have to sell my house, and look towards a legal separation within the next month (one year separation required by Canada law) before a legal divorce.

 

I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have called in sick to work and have been sitting here all night crying.

[66Charger]

You do have choices. Talk.

[Wheremyheartis]

Your husband handled this extremely poorly, however I am not surprised that this happened. He chose his happiness over yours and before anyone can say that is wrong, that is what you did. The problem is the lie.

 

What I can't wrap my head around is if he planned on taking the job all along why didn't he just tell me than. I don't fault him for wanting to be happy but I feel betrayed.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this tough situation especially at this time of year. What your husband has done and is doing is cruel and insanely selfish. A marriage is a partnership..a team. It sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship and is has begun to live his own life. You cannot make a relationship work on your own. You don't have a choice at this point but to move on from him.

 

Start with the legal separation and surround yourself with your loved ones. Take it day by day.

 

(BIG HUGS)

 

IT does look like my marriage is over. Not because he took the job but the fact he lied about it. It's true I didn't want to move and that could be viewed as selfish on my part. I should have saw it coming.

 

He comes home tonight so we can discuss what we are going to do. It seems obvious that our marriage is over. I have a sliver of hope that he'll change his mind but I'm pretty sure this is over. There is still issue of our house. If he leaves in a month to his new job I can't afford the mortgage on my own. We have to come up with a game plan.

[Wheremyheartis]

I can say I'm grateful he left his paycheck in our joint account for our bills.

[carhill]

Deep breaths. One day at a time. He deposited his paycheck into your joint account. He's coming home to talk this evening. As best possible, approach this in a neutral manner. It's tough, I know. As best you can, attempt to clarify the issues which are important to you. Ask open-ended questions. Accept answers. Yes, your POV may be different and likely is and that's OK. IME, it's the understanding which fosters moving forward in a healthy way, whichever way that ends up being.

 

If you find yourself overwhelmed and need to disengage, be honest about that. IME, when the mind starts racing and it's difficult to comprehend inputs as they arrive, that's when it's time for a break, even if no one leaves. Retire to separate areas and relax. Re-engage later if both feel like it. Communicate.

[turnera]

Maybe it's just because I'm so old, that I still remember when the person whose career was less...important...than the other person's career was expected to be flexible in where they lived. In other words, they moved to where the work is.

 

Yes, he lied. By omission, mostly (as conflict avoiders do). But you already knew he was a conflict avoider, and such people don't just suddenly turn into Chatty Cathy's and spill their guts. And you already knew he was depressed over his work success. And you already got him to give UP said work success by refusing to budge.

 

In my view, you pushed him into a corner and then acted like the victim when he bolted. Marriage isn't about making sure you get what you want. It's about readjusting during down times to seek out the least bad option and work through it TOGETHER. To me, it looks like you simply have no desire to rearrange YOUR life and give up any of YOUR comforts, whether your husband is suffering or not.

[Wheremyheartis]

Maybe it's just because I'm so old, that I still remember when the person whose career was less...important...than the other person's career was expected to be flexible in where they lived. In other words, they moved to where the work is.

 

Yes, he lied. By omission, mostly (as conflict avoiders do). But you already knew he was a conflict avoider, and such people don't just suddenly turn into Chatty Cathy's and spill their guts. And you already knew he was depressed over his work success. And you already got him to give UP said work success by refusing to budge.

 

In my view, you pushed him into a corner and then acted like the victim when he bolted. Marriage isn't about making sure you get what you want. It's about readjusting during down times to seek out the least bad option and work through it TOGETHER. To me, it looks like you simply have no desire to rearrange YOUR life and give up any of YOUR comforts, whether your husband is suffering or not.

 

I admit and take full responsibility for being selfish. I didn't want to move. Looking at the big picture the cons outweighed the pros if we move to this city.

 

We live in a pretty low populated area of Canada. Our mortgage on our 3 bedroom 1500 sq house is pretty modest. If we were to move for the same amount of money we'd be lucky to get a 1 bedroom condo. WE couldn't afford to pay much more without being in the same situation we are in now. Again we would be in the same situation we are now in away. We wouldn't be able to have a baby which we both wanted so badly.

 

All our family lives here. My mom is retired, and his a huge support to us. If and when we were to start a family she would be able to help with child care. In a huge city, child care costs would eat us alive.

 

The only pro of moving would be our grocery bill would be less. At first I thought the city would cost much more, but realized living up north everything cost twice as much.

 

Also he didn't lie by omission. HE lied straight out. HE told me he called the company and turned the job offer down. Turns out he took the job. That is a lie.

[66Charger]

You ommitted the other pro.

 

Your husbands happiness.

 

Slip or reality?

[turnera]

I admit and take full responsibility for being selfish. I didn't want to move. Looking at the big picture the cons outweighed the pros if we move to this city.

 

We live in a pretty low populated area of Canada. Our mortgage on our 3 bedroom 1500 sq house is pretty modest. If we were to move for the same amount of money we'd be lucky to get a 1 bedroom condo. WE couldn't afford to pay much more without being in the same situation we are in now. Again we would be in the same situation we are now in away. We wouldn't be able to have a baby which we both wanted so badly.

 

All our family lives here. My mom is retired, and his a huge support to us. If and when we were to start a family she would be able to help with child care. In a huge city, child care costs would eat us alive.

 

The only pro of moving would be our grocery bill would be less. At first I thought the city would cost much more, but realized living up north everything cost twice as much.

 

Also he didn't lie by omission. HE lied straight out. HE told me he called the company and turned the job offer down. Turns out he took the job. That is a lie.

First, it's possible he turned it down to please you and then changed his mind and called them back. Or it's possible he just said that to avoid your 'conflict' and then tried to figure out how to get BOTH of you what you want.

 

Second, your husband's job - and his mental well-being - are a KEY COMPONENT of your marriage. You clearly state that this is a HUGE problem for him, many have confirmed to you that a man's job is how he judges himself, but all YOU are looking at is how much hassle YOU are going to have to go through in terms of comfort or money.

 

Sometimes, people have to sacrifice to reach a better goal. Did you ever tell him before you married that you were going to refuse to ever move away from your hometown? If so, rail away at him. If not, consider that he likely considered, on some level, that you would be willing to relocate to accommodate his career (which you clearly point out is the more important career of the two in terms of supporting a marriage and a family).

 

I'm not trying to bash you. I'm trying to get you to look at this objectively. HE deserves a lot more support and sympathy than he's getting here, and if when he comes home tonight and talks to you, and you continue with this 'you done me wrong' attitude, you can for SURE kiss your marriage goodbye, because he'll see right away what your priorities are, and they aren't in supporting your husband.

[Wheremyheartis]

You ommitted the other pro.

 

Your husbands happiness.

 

Slip or reality?

 

 

I omitted that because in the long run I don't believe he will be happy. Sure he'll get a higher paying job but the costs of living will cancel out any benefit. The only solution I can think of is for me to go back to school for my masters.

[turnera]

Or you could move with him, support his new career, let him build it up to a promotion, and then have even MORE options.

 

Why do you think he won't be happy with the new job? Pretty much everyone is telling you that having a GOOD job, where people want you and admire you, is one of men's top two or three Emotional Needs.

 

in the long run I don't believe he will be happy

Why don't you ask him instead of making assumptions?

[Wheremyheartis]

 

Sometimes, people have to sacrifice to reach a better goal. Did you ever tell him before you married that you were going to refuse to ever move away from your hometown? If so, rail away at him. If not, consider that he likely considered, on some level, that you would be willing to relocate to accommodate his career (which you clearly point out is the more important career of the two in terms of supporting a marriage and a family).

 

I'm not trying to bash you. I'm trying to get you to look at this objectively. HE deserves a lot more support and sympathy than he's getting here, and if when he comes home tonight and talks to you, and you continue with this 'you done me wrong' attitude, you can for SURE kiss your marriage goodbye, because he'll see right away what your priorities are, and they aren't in supporting your husband.

 

I want to be able to support this decision. But I feel like it isn't a joint decision but a decision he sprung on to me. Beginning of December he told me he found a job in another city. He didn't mention anything prior to this to looking outside our general area. I know he's been looking for a job and I have been looking for a better job for myself to help with our situation.

 

I'm not against moving away from this area. It might have came across as that way. It came across to me as an ultimatum. He told me he found a job in a city nine hours away. I barely had any time to process this information when he told me he wanted a divorce. By this time I was into defensive mode.

 

What he should have done was tell me he was taking the job. Instead he lied about it and here we are. I got a month to decide what the **** I'm going to do.

[turnera]

Yes, he should have. But he's (1) conflict avoidant, (2) depressed and unsure of himself and his worth, and (3) afraid of your displeasure. And he's human. And guess what humans do when they're stressed? Reach into their FOO learning and do whatever worked for them as a kid - hide the truth, avoid speaking, hope the problem goes away...sound familiar?

 

If you'd said you were having a troubled marriage until this year, I'd be rooting you on like the other to kick the bum out. But you didn't say that (unless I misunderstood). You two were in love. He lost his job and fell into a funk. He began to feel like a failure, like you were better off without him, ashamed. And then he got something that would make all that go away, but he KNEW you'd have a reaction to it, so telling you scared him. So he reverted to his FOO stuff. We all do that (read the book Emotional Alchemy for more information on that).

 

I don't see two people out of love. I see two young people struggling to make it in a HORRIBLE economy. And sometimes in a bad economy, you redirect your goals and dreams, take a 'side' road for a WHILE, until things improve, and then get back on that road once you're in better shape.

 

But most of all, YOU DO IT TOGETHER.

 

If you can't even handle this minor bump, what does that say for your marriage? For 'better or worse?' One bad month and you're ready to divorce? Imagine how scared that makes HIM feel.

[Wheremyheartis]

Yes, he should have. But he's (1) conflict avoidant, (2) depressed and unsure of himself and his worth, and (3) afraid of your displeasure. And he's human. And guess what humans do when they're stressed? Reach into their FOO learning and do whatever worked for them as a kid - hide the truth, avoid speaking, hope the problem goes away...sound familiar?

 

If you'd said you were having a troubled marriage until this year, I'd be rooting you on like the other to kick the bum out. But you didn't say that (unless I misunderstood). You two were in love. He lost his job and fell into a funk. He began to feel like a failure, like you were better off without him, ashamed. And then he got something that would make all that go away, but he KNEW you'd have a reaction to it, so telling you scared him. So he reverted to his FOO stuff. We all do that (read the book Emotional Alchemy for more information on that).

 

I don't see two people out of love. I see two young people struggling to make it in a HORRIBLE economy. And sometimes in a bad economy, you redirect your goals and dreams, take a 'side' road for a WHILE, until things improve, and then get back on that road once you're in better shape.

 

But most of all, YOU DO IT TOGETHER.

 

If you can't even handle this minor bump, what does that say for your marriage? For 'better or worse?' One bad month and you're ready to divorce? Imagine how scared that makes HIM feel.

 

We had a wonderful marriage. I don't want a divorce but by the sounds of the conversation we had yesterday, it seems like he wants out. He comes home (or he says) in an hour or so. The one issue we have to talk about no matter what is the house. He made it clear he's moving for this job and his last day at his current job is the end of the month. Weither or not I move the house has to go on the market.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love this man so ****ing much. No one can understand how difficult this is for me and I'm sure for him too. I just don't know where to go from here. He made this decision without any thought of me.

 

I'm also afraid if I decide to go with him. I'll go to a city where I know no one. He has not once but twice told me in some form he wasn't sure about our relationship. I need time to plan but a month doesn't give me much time to figure everything out.

 

I feel like a separation inevitable.

[turnera]

Don't get me wrong. I love this man so ****ing much. No one can understand how difficult this is for me and I'm sure for him too. I just don't know where to go from here. He made this decision without any thought of me.

So talk to him!!!! Why are you so quick to just give up a marriage you love to a man you love, just because you're having trouble communicating? Did you just think marriage was gonna be rainbows and unicorns? It's hard work! It's lots of ups and downs! But you're supposed to be dedicated to working it out TOGETHER. Not just bolting whenever you feel you're not being treated fairly.

 

I'm also afraid if I decide to go with him. I'll go to a city where I know no one.

So? Is life only worth living if you're in your comfy little hometown where you know everyone? Expand your horizons. Look at life as an adventure, not a safety net. Look at this as an opportunity for the two of you to set out on your OWN adventure, together, that doesn't rely on family. That's what getting married is FOR.

 

And people become unsure about their relationship ALL.THE.TIME. That's part of life. You're gonna dump him because he told you the truth, that he has doubts? Would you rather he lie about that, too? Reward him when he tells you the truth, that way telling you the truth becomes the norm, not the exception.

[Wheremyheartis]

So? Is life only worth living if you're in your comfy little hometown where you know everyone? Expand your horizons. Look at life as an adventure, not a safety net. Look at this as an opportunity for the two of you to set out on your OWN adventure, together, that doesn't rely on family. That's what getting married is FOR.

 

 

This is a huge coincidence. I just got off the phone with my mom. I finally told her what was going on. She knew he wanted to take a job in another city. She told me she thinks I should move there. She says go there and if in 6 months, I'm miserable move back. She'll let me stay here until I get back on my feet.

 

When my husband gets home. I'm going to ask him straight out what his plan is for housing in the city, our house.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Wheremyheartis

[turnera]

Awesome!

 

fwiw, it's those things you do together, the new stuff, that binds people together in love. Dr. Harley says that couples should spend 15 hours a week together, every week, doing new stuff, doing non-chores/electronics stuff together. Like when you were dating. THAT is how you stay in love. I expand that by telling people to try out at least one new experience every month. New restaurant, day trip to new town you've never been to, go watch a cheesy high school musical or sports game, go to a meetup.com adventure...that's the kind of stuff that's going to cement your relationship. Moving to a new city together is just FULL of that kind of stuff! If you let it happen, it can become an amazing adventure.

 

And btw, a little apology can go a long way. I'm not saying you should bear the brunt of HIS actions, just humble yourself a little and say something like 'I let my emotions get the best of me. I love you SO much. Let's figure this out together' would go a HUGE way toward relieving him, making him feel safe and loved, AND make him more loving toward YOU.

[66Charger]

Ditto what Turnera said. Work it out.

 

It would go a long way with him, if you both came up with the housing solution together.. Try to think of something before he gets home.

Edited December 31, 2015 by 66Charger

[Wheremyheartis]

My husband didn't end up getting home until later in the evening a little drunk. I ended up spending most of the night with him. We decided to not talk about our situation until this morning.

 

 

This morning around 10. A little over an hour after we woke up we had the talk. It went better then I thought it would. I had a lot of time last night to think about what I was going to say.

 

 

I asked him straight out why he lied to me. This for me was a big issue and I couldn't even began to talk about the job, or the move without clearing up that lie. His response made me angry. He said he didn't really know why except he was afraid that I'd leave him if I found he took the job. I asked him if lying would make me "less" mad than just telling me the freaking truth. He said he was sorry.

 

 

This led into a more heart to heart conversation. We talked about relationship as a whole. We don't communicate like we use too. This lie (and future lies if things aren't resolved), and passive agressive/conflict avoiding was what was going to destroy our marriage. His depression was a big issue we are dealing with. I'm being as supportive as I can be and he agreed.

 

 

As for the job. His start date is Feb 8th. He wants to be moved into the city by February 1st. We are calling a realitor on Monday to put our house on the market. I doubt it'll sale in a month but we have to get it sold as soon as possible.

 

 

I said I was willing to move with him but their was conditions. Since our relationship has been rocky, and I still wasn't keen on this move but am willing to atleast try for the sake of our marriage.

 

 

I said that I didn't want to even think about "buying" another house until we have lived in the city for atleast a year. We just bought our house here 2 years ago, and we are all ready selling. Housing in this city is a lot more expensive. We are looking at 1 bedroom rentals so we can save some money to recoup some of the money we'll be spending by moving.

 

 

I told him that he has to continue see a therapist and we are going to see a marriage councellor. The fact he questioned our marriage twice makes me feel the need we need to work on our issue within our marriage.

 

 

So the game plan is too: 1) put our house on the market 2) find a place to live (he says he has found a few lined up) 3) start packing (this part sucks).

 

 

Once there:

 

 

1)I'm going to find a job. I might even be able to find a job in what I went to school for.

2) He'll find a therapist and we'll find a marriage councellor.

 

 

So this is where we are at.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update.

 

Since you already know where you'll be moving to, and will likely be going there to scout out a residence, no harm in scouting out a MC or two and get a baseline started on that aspect, at least the interview process. If you haven't had MC, you'll be amazed at how much ground a competent psychologist can cover in a session or two. Cancellations happen so they always have openings.

 

You had a productive conversation and made some decisions. You're bending to move to his new job location. Quid pro quo. MC would be my suggestion as his bend, ASAP. A good MC can refer him out to a specialist for any personal issues he has, like depression. In that case, a psychiatrist.

 

Team efforts require bend on both parts, otherwise one breaks and the marriage fails. You're apparently both interested in recovery and, IMO, if you love each other and trust hasn't been irreparably broken, recovery has a good to probable chance. Good luck!

[BettyDraper]

I'm glad that you made a compromise and seeking marriage counseling.

You mentioned that all of your family is where you live-your husband is your family now. When you get married, your spouse and any children become the most important people in your life.

 

My husband hates his job because he feels that he is not properly compensated for the amount of work he does. He also doesn't like most of his coworkers. My husband has told me that if he finds a position anywhere else which pays more, he is more than willing to leave our area to chase a better opportunity. As much as I wouldn't want to move, I would relocate for my husband because I want him to be happy. I also know that a move like that could improve our lives. I can make new friends and contact my loved ones in other ways. If my husband stays at the company he is working at now, he would like to move closer to that area in four years. I agreed to that as well.

 

Marriage requires compromise and sacrifice. Your husband lost his job and when he found a new one, it gave him a new lease on life and your husband expected you to see that and adjust accordingly. He didn't need to threaten divorce but I could see why he would be upset at your reaction.

[gbe2015]

As for the job. His start date is Feb 8th. He wants to be moved into the city by February 1st. We are calling a realitor on Monday to put our house on the market. I doubt it'll sale in a month but we have to get it sold as soon as possible.

 

I said that I didn't want to even think about "buying" another house until we have lived in the city for atleast a year. We just bought our house here 2 years ago, and we are all ready selling. Housing in this city is a lot more expensive. We are looking at 1 bedroom rentals so we can save some money to recoup some of the money we'll be spending by moving.

 

just a reminder when you are doing your budget if you are moving more than 40km to a new job you can claim all your moving expenses on your taxes. That includes things like the real estate agent fees, driving to go look at new places to live ... everything.

Edited January 1, 2016 by gbe2015