We're officially dating but he doesn't call/text every day. Is this normal?

[Xiomn]

I would find this a bit weird... if I'm with someone, whether it's been a few months or years, I like to be in touch every day, at least a little.

 

Really? What do you usually talk about every day? If it's small talk like asking how his day was every single day that sounds boring to me personally.

[Gaeta]

Really? What do you usually talk about every day? If it's small talk like asking how his day was every single day that sounds boring to me personally.

 

We're talking touching base not going in a full blown conversation of hours.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Really? What do you usually talk about every day? If it's small talk like asking how his day was every single day that sounds boring to me personally.

 

I find with the right person, talking is never boring. You always have something to talk about! I've had quite a few relationships, a few of them serious (living together or together for multiple years) and have never dated anyone who I didn't speak with daily from the very beginning.

 

Loads to talk about... how was your day, how was work, how's studying going, did you have fun visiting family, did you see this movie, just finished reading this book, plans for future dates, just having a laugh together. If I can't think of anything to say to someone for even just a few texts per day then they're definitely not the person for me, nor am I for them! I've been friends with my best mate for about fifteen years and we often talk on a daily basis and it never gets boring. When you click with someone you just click and conversation flourishes no matter what the circumstances. Sure, if we tried to talk for five hours per day we'd get bored no matter who the other person was but we're talking catching up.

[Buddhist]

In the time that I've been on LS I'm surprised how many times there have been threads about calling/texting frequency. I'm starting to wonder if my usual "sit down with the person to discuss this" is either stating the obvious or horribly out of step with the times.

 

You may be out of step with the times, as am I. Apparently endlessly texting is what people now call having a relationship. :roll eyes: I'm always amazed how many younger people think texting is doing something other than wasting time and energy.

[SwordofFlame]

I get the feeling that OP doesn't feel as though her guy is all that into her. Once a week dates, no intimacy, barely any communication between dates, etc. At almost three months, it is a fair question to ponder.

[losangelena]

I get the feeling that OP doesn't feel as though her guy is all that into her. Once a week dates, no intimacy, barely any communication between dates, etc. At almost three months, it is a fair question to ponder.

 

I agree with this.

[maysj18]

Hey OP,

 

I'm 25 so I can relate. Dating has changed drastically over the years and our generation definitely has a different set of "norms". After being together for 3+ months, a quick goodnight phone call or good morning text would be something I'd want, too.

 

In the past month I've been out with a few different people. There's a couple who I got along with super well and we became instant friends. I keep in touch with them daily. I haven't been intimate or even kissed any of them. Interest is there, friendship is there, but it's still suuuper early in the game. Even still, they initiate daily contact as much as me and it's not weird or smothering at all.

 

Even my two long term relationships involved talking every day. We never spent hours on the phone and usually most texts go unanswered for a couple of hours; no big deal. My ex always went in to work later than I did so I would usually not respond to his good morning texts until after I got off. most of the time, I would just give him a quick ring walking to my car and then we'd chat a little bit that night, maybe make some plans, and that's it.

 

How is at initiating dates? Do you have to bring that up too? Do you feel like you're the one initiating everything?

Edited December 30, 2015 by maysj18

[BettyDraper]

I don't think his behavior is abnormal. It just isn't what you're used to.

Why not stop initiating contact and see what happens?It could be that your boyfriend is very busy or he just doesn't see daily communication as important.

 

My husband hates to talk on the phone and text, but when we were dating we did both of these things daily because it was important to me. He also enjoyed chatting with me and hearing my "sweet little voice." After almost ten years together, my husband and I still text during the day and chat on the phone at least once. The phone calls are not long; just cute conversations about what kind of day we're each having.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You may be out of step with the times, as am I. Apparently endlessly texting is what people now call having a relationship. :roll eyes: I'm always amazed how many younger people think texting is doing something other than wasting time and energy.

 

I'm in my late twenties and although texting is just one part of a relationship, for literally anyone I know around my age and definitely younger it would be really weird to have a relationship where texting wasn't a feature. I see older people constantly espouse the relative merits of phone calls instead but texting is far more convenient, you don't have to stop everything else you're doing, it's a way of touching base or sharing things that you think the other person will like, especially if you're only able to see each other once a week or less to begin with it's a way of continuing to build intimacy and get to know one another. Just because the information you share about yourself goes via a text rather than an e-mail, a facebook message or a phone call doesn't mean you're not still learning about each other.

 

Texting alone does not a relationship make but I really don't consider the texting I do with my close friends each day to be a waste of time or energy, it's a joy to hear from those people. We stay close across different cities and hours of travel between us with a group whatsapp conversation, for example although we didn't see each other xmas day we could still touch base a handful of times during the day to share gifts we got or send photos of our meals or whatever. Relationships are comprised of lots of little interactions regularly, I prefer that to not speaking to someone for days then a long intense phone call.

[BluEyeL]

I've been in a relationship going on 2 years now and it did start the same way you describe in terms of in between dates communication. My BF said that he doesn't like to text and talk on the phone.

 

I think it depends on how the other parts of the relationship are. You are exclusive, but how often do you meet? How does he treat you otherwise? Does he make you feel he is into you?

 

In my relationship it was dating 1x/week and just emailing once between dates to set up the next one, for the first 2 months. Then, we moved to meeting twice a week but still no daily texting.

 

Only after 3 months, and after we've become intimate, he started to text me daily, without me requesting it. It's also been not a lot of texting, to this day. When we don't meet (now we meet 5x/week so it leaves little for texting), he just shoots a text saying he got home, he had a easy/long/short/difficult day and asks about mine and that's pretty much it. No phone calls, except when he's away, then he face times me, or when we need to discuss/plan something and it would be too long to text. I always make sure the phone calls are not too long. We never talk just to chat aimlessly, that's not his personality.

 

I'd say do not worry about that unless the relationship is not advancing or he makes you feel he's not into you. It could be his personality.

 

I'd say though that if you like to be with someone more exuberant and talkative, maybe this guy is not it. My ex-husband was like that very talkative and very romantic, but he didn't make a good husband though. He was a great boyfriend, I'd say better than my current, very good at romance stuff, but it was just empty and as a husband and father he sucked.

 

So look at his character traits and how he advances things, how committed he becomes,what type of person he is, how stable, how does he treat his family and friends etc. Does he introduce you to family and friends? At this point, I'd say you should spend NYE together. This is more important than texting.

[Gaeta]

I've been in a relationship going on 2 years now and it did start the same way you describe in terms of in between dates communication. My BF said that he doesn't like to text and talk on the phone.

 

I think it depends on how the other parts of the relationship are. You are exclusive, but how often do you meet? How does he treat you otherwise? Does he make you feel he is into you?

 

In my relationship it was dating 1x/week and just emailing once between dates to set up the next one, for the first 2 months. Then, we moved to meeting twice a week but still no daily texting.

 

Only after 3 months, and after we've become intimate, he started to text me daily, without me requesting it. It's also been not a lot of texting, to this day. When we don't meet (now we meet 5x/week so it leaves little for texting), he just shoots a text saying he got home, he had a easy/long/short/difficult day and asks about mine and that's pretty much it. No phone calls, except when he's away, then he face times me, or when we need to discuss/plan something and it would be too long to text. I always make sure the phone calls are not too long. We never talk just to chat aimlessly, that's not his personality.

 

I'd say do not worry about that unless the relationship is not advancing or he makes you feel he's not into you. It could be his personality.

 

I'd say though that if you like to be with someone more exuberant and talkative, maybe this guy is not it. My ex-husband was like that very talkative and very romantic, but he didn't make a good husband though. He was a great boyfriend, I'd say better than my current, very good at romance stuff, but it was just empty and as a husband and father he sucked.

 

So look at his character traits and how he advances things, how committed he becomes,what type of person he is, how stable, how does he treat his family and friends etc. Does he introduce you to family and friends? At this point, I'd say you should spend NYE together. This is more important than texting.

 

Blue: You have to admit your story is not a usual story. If a man asked me out once a week and emailed me once a week only to set up a date I would have been gone after 3 weeks. You took a gamble on this man and you ended up with a happy ending but most 'he doesn't text' stories on here don't have that happy ending.

[d0nnivain]

Blue: You have to admit your story is not a usual story. If a man asked me out once a week and emailed me once a week only to set up a date I would have been gone after 3 weeks. You took a gamble on this man and you ended up with a happy ending but most 'he doesn't text' stories on here don't have that happy ending.

 

I don't think Blue gambled at all. I think she was a cool cucumber who knew her only value.

 

 

I don't know men who text with their buddies the way women communicate with their friends. I think women who dump otherwise good guys early on because those men aren't chatting with the women the same way a GF would are missing some of the fundamental differences between men & women.

 

 

Texting is a technological tool. But just because we have the ability to communicate with somebody 24/7/365 does not mean we have the obligation to do so.

 

 

Failing to text or even call on some schedule one party to a relationship unilaterally determined does not mean the other person doesn't care. It just means they have a different communications style / pace. Patience & compromise will overcome that as the two people grow to mess better. Impatience & selfishness, demanding that the other person communicate a certain way immediately sabotages even the potential for a relationship to grow.

[Gaeta]

I don't think Blue gambled at all. I think she was a cool cucumber who knew her only value.

 

 

I don't know men who text with their buddies the way women communicate with their friends. I think women who dump otherwise good guys early on because those men aren't chatting with the women the same way a GF would are missing some of the fundamental differences between men & women.

 

 

Texting is a technological tool. But just because we have the ability to communicate with somebody 24/7/365 does not mean we have the obligation to do so.

 

 

Failing to text or even call on some schedule one party to a relationship unilaterally determined does not mean the other person doesn't care. It just means they have a different communications style / pace. Patience & compromise will overcome that as the two people grow to mess better. Impatience & selfishness, demanding that the other person communicate a certain way immediately sabotages even the potential for a relationship to grow.

 

Every time we have a thread about texting it's the same merry go round.

 

OP does not want to socialize on text with her boyfriend the way she does with her girlfriend.

 

She wants to touch base with her man on regular basis. A simple Good morning or hope you have a good day today. A little something that means I am thinking about you.

 

I just got a phone call from the man I am dating. Conversation lasted a total of 3 MINUTES. We had a snow storm last night and he called to make sure I made it to work ok and wished me a good day. 3 MINUTES it took for him to make my day!

[BluEyeL]

Gaeta, everyone is different. I did not take a gamble on my guy, he was a match for me. I am indeed pretty "cool" in the early stages of dating and look at other signs, other than texting and calling. I did say that if she prefers a guy that is more communicative, sends good morning and good night texts, is more verbally demonstrative with his feelings, maybe this guy is not for her. I just told my story to show that texting is not always a sign of interest or lack thereof. IMO, other actions are more important, as well as how everything comes together.

 

Not texting and calling daily in the initial stages of dating doesn't necessarily mean lack of interest. Like I said, my BF ended up texting daily after the relationship advanced, I got the "good night, my love" texts too. We never did the good morning ones. But I did have guys who did that and it just didn't go anywhere.

 

It just that texting isn't the most important thing for everyone and I believe really not so important for a relationship. Some people show love in other ways, if you heard of the 5 languages of love. If OP is very bothered by this, then he's not for her.

 

But I was just wondering if the non-texting thing is actually combined with other behaviors of his that make her feel the guy isn't into her. Then it becomes a problem. He should show enthusiasm for her in other ways, introduce her to people important to him, spend NYE together etc. One element of their interaction alone doesn't paint the entire picture.

 

My guy wasn't a big texter due to being an introvert, but he did show me he is serious about me in all the other ways. And also, I am slow when dating indeed, so we matched. I don't sleep with men for months, I don't become exclusive for a long while, I don't take my profile down after two dates, I don't include him in my life until I'm sure it has legs etc. Just different people.

 

I am glad your current guy is doing all the things you need and makes you happy. I hope you have a great relationship! You're not wrong for wanting daily texting, and people who don't like that are not wrong either. I think women need to watch for the entire picture when dating, and not jump to conclusions, good or bad.

[GemmaUK]

I like BluEyeL's style on this!

Though I still wouldn't want nor need a daily check in after three months. Every other day maybe yep but daily is too much for me.

 

Since I left my LTR so far I have only met guys who are all over texting and it drives me crazy.

Me and my friends have a deal that we only text or call after 11am and before about 9pm unless there is an absolute need.

I'm not one for having my face in my phone all day long.

The last few men I dated were straight into the good morning and good night texts and anything between 10 and 80 texts in between those times.

This was from 5am until midnight or later. No amount of asking them to cool down worked and if I couldn't reply quickly then they'd send more texts and email me as well.

 

Texting is one of the main reasons that I am for now staying single. I really don't want to get involved with a crazy texter again!

I dipped my toe back in and had a few first dates not long ago but it was the same old story with the three guys I met. Text maniacs!

[Gaeta]

anything between 10 and 80 texts in between those times.

 

That's not normal. Even though I like to touch base each day I wouldn't be able to handle that amount of texting.

[GemmaUK]

That's not normal. Even though I like to touch base each day I wouldn't be able to handle that amount of texting.

 

It's bat s*** crazy!

 

But every man I have met since my LTR has been the same - no exceptions.

Even 10 texts a day is way too many for me. 10 a week maybe.. I could deal with that.

[misty1114]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to update you all on my New Year's Eve and answer some of your questions. I ended up spending NYE by myself, not with him. He already had prior arrangement with his friends back home (before we became official) so I guess I can't blame him too much. But he did text me today and we exchanged a few texts. Besides the lack of communications in between dates, there are a few other things that I thought are red flags. Let me know what you think:

 

1. He doesn't want to put our relationship status on Facebook (he said he also didn't do this with any of his exes)

 

2. He said he doesn't really introduce any of his gf's to his family because most of them ended up being short-term. He has only brought one girl home because she ended up dating him for about 6 months

 

3. He seems hesitant about me meeting his friends. When we go out in public and run into his classmates, he doesn't introduce me. However, I have met his roommates who are also in his class.

 

Other than these things, he seems to treat me well. Always offers to pay on dates (but I have offered to pay for him as well), drove back 3 hours to visit me during his break, never pushes me for sex as I'm not the type who would hook up with guys early on.

[SwordofFlame]

I'm going to take a guess that he's not crazy about you and may only be with you until someone better comes along. How can you be sure that he's not keeping his options open? You did mention that he changed his OLD pic. If you're not happy with the pace of the relationship, than I think you should just move on. It seems like otherwise you'll just continue to spin your wheels with this guy.

[Qboro90]

I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time

 

Why do you want to date someone who can't dedicate the time to you? You could've kept the dating thing going for longer since your schedules don't match and you don't know each other that well yet. You wanted to get into an official relationship and now you're seeing he's not the ideal boyfriend. If you would've kept dating and talking casually you could've figured that out in time. Guys who don't show you the amount of attention you want will NEVER change just because you become "official". Don't bet on him contacting you as much as you want. Especially if you don't bring it up to him.

[Gaeta]

How can you be sure that he's not keeping his options open? You did mention that he changed his OLD pic.

 

I think that's from a different thread.

[Gaeta]

1. He doesn't want to put our relationship status on Facebook (he said he also didn't do this with any of his exes)

 

And you're not his ex girlfriends. You are Mysty and don't want to be put in a subgroup of women that have been in his life. You're the current girlfriend and would like he forget about what flied or didn't fly with the exs.

 

2. He said he doesn't really introduce any of his gf's to his family because most of them ended up being short-term. He has only brought one girl home because she ended up dating him for about 6 months

 

I have always done the same but this time with this new man I am dating I will do differently. Instead of waiting 6 months I will take him over my family at 2 months. I am breaking the rule for him because I feel he's different than the others.

 

Your boyfriend is telling you again that at 3 months dating you are not anymore special than his exs so he's not breaking his rule for you.

 

3. He seems hesitant about me meeting his friends. When we go out in public and run into his classmates, he doesn't introduce me. However, I have met his roommates who are also in his class.

 

Meeting the friends are different than meeting family. When a man introduces his girlfriend to his friends it's to show her off. If a man didn't want to introduce me to his friends I would think he doesn't find me attractive enough to show me off.

 

Mysty: Over all. Your boyfriend is not into you as much as you are into him. After 3 months he shows NO sign of wanting to escalate this relationship to the next level and to me that indicates you're just a temporary entertainment to him. Please don't sleep with this guy. If you are looking for a loving fulfilling relationship he is not it.

[GR4]

It's bat s*** crazy!

 

But every man I have met since my LTR has been the same - no exceptions.

Even 10 texts a day is way too many for me. 10 a week maybe.. I could deal with that.

 

I think most people would consider ten texts a day excessive, no? That would drive me up the wall.

[BluEyeL]

I put our relationship status on Facebook after 1.5 years!! If he doesn't want to friend you, I would be concerned. I am more concerned about his past relationships being short and him not really introducing you with pride to people in his life. He doesn't seem excited enough at this point.

 

But, IMO, all of this is not here nor there. You should not be very alarmed just YET. If at 6 months you are still not integrated into his life, I'd break up with him then. Also, you probably should have sex soon, if you're feeling it.

[Gaeta]

Also, you probably should have sex soon, if you're feeling it.

 

That relationship is too unsatisfying and insecure for her to have sex at this time. Obviously OP is young and does not jump into bed very fast. She needs something from this guy to feel secure enough for intimacy and he is not giving it to her. With all the details we are reading here I'd be ready to bed he will bail after sex. Especially if he has a collection of short term relationships.