cupcakebunny Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I've been solidly NC for a month(Broke up 7 months ago but we tried to be friends..didn't work) -- not even welcoming minor snippets from mutual friends. I've been doing...ok. Rough Christmas, but for the most part actually ok. Yesterday, my ex called me at work to "catch up" from his work line which I don't know, so I couldn't screen the call. Instead of immediately hanging up, I talked and we had the 'what happened' -- I go into detail about the relationship HERE - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/561846-6-months-post-breakup-still-struggling. Long story short, it was 4 years of toxic hell: Physically abusive at points from both sides, emotionally abusive from both sides, never could resolve an argument, he blamed me for literally every emotional problem he had. It was a bad unhappy relationship all around and I never felt lonelier. I left in May after he made me so scared I had to lock myself in a bathroom for 2 hours after an argument erupted about cleaning the dishwasher. The conversation was chill. He was polite. I asked him how he was. Blah blah. Then he went about how he would take me back, we wouldn't move in right way again but go to therapy and date. He said I just didn't care enough or didn't work hard enough and if I did it would be better. I asked how he could have been happy in that relationship. He seemed so mad all the time. He said he wasn't. I pinpointed a few highlights and he said those were one offs and that I started it. I said ok, but even the small stuff - every time we got in a car we'd fight(he'd usually bumper car into other vehicles in the city and it was actually my car and he would do the thing where he would drive faster when I said it made me nervous how quickly he was going in traffic and that showed complete disregard to my feelings and actual property). He said that wasn't often that we drove anyway. And I asked again, how he would be happy with me -- I know I wasn't nice and would just argue with him sometimes out of the blue. He said I could work on it and it would be better, I just had to try. I was like 'seriously, you just sat there and I was always horrible? why can't you sit down and own anything?' and he said he said maybe he could be better. I got teary eyed and said I need to get back to work. Needless to say I spent the rest of the night completely devastated. I didn't call him back, but how do other people cope if/when they have this conversation?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 They deal with it by going no contact again. From what you have described, nothing has changed here. He is still a bully and shifting all the blame on you. In my opinion there is nothing worth saving from this toxic relationship. If he calls again I would tell him it is over and not to call you again and hang up. No contact is essential to help you move forward. 1
Draper Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Although it doesn't seem like it at the time, having your ex refuse to have the post-mortem conversation is likely a better route. Mine never did - basically either ghosted me or gave me BS responses. Does make it easier to go NC though, which in turn is a good thing.
Blanco Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I've sort of had these conversations after every relationship, and honestly, I never found them particularly helpful. By time they were had, I already had a decent idea why the relationship and failed and it was just kind of gutting to relive those failures via the conversation. I'd say your ex did you a favor. His responses and blame-shifting show you made the right decision; that nothing has changed, and that he feels the onus is entirely on YOU if the relationship is to "work" once more. No thanks.
Author cupcakebunny Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 I've sort of had these conversations after every relationship, and honestly, I never found them particularly helpful. By time they were had, I already had a decent idea why the relationship and failed and it was just kind of gutting to relive those failures via the conversation. I'd say your ex did you a favor. His responses and blame-shifting show you made the right decision; that nothing has changed, and that he feels the onus is entirely on YOU if the relationship is to "work" once more. No thanks. It is gutting. And I know -- even listing some of the stuff out it's like 'christ this relationship was bad. he was terrible. and i was gross.'. When I finally was honest with friends about things that happened, mostly I hear "oh my god, why didn't you ever say anything". I just get angry that sometimes I miss it. I really do. i wish I didn't. I would take anger over feeling this upset.
buddha84 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I've had similar conversations in one relationship. They don't lead to healing - they normally just lead to a fight or hurt feelings. If someone is still blaming you for the breakup, you need to cut off contact. All they will do is make you feel like you have issues or aren't a good person. It's best after a horrible breakup, I feel, to be single and find yourself again. Only through being single have I come to realize that I wasn't being treated right and that I don't want the person back in my life - realizing that we weren't compatible and they didn't make me happy a lot of the time. It's hard, because we all feel that attachment and have memories of some good times, but you have to let the past stay in the past. There's billions of people out there - if you could fall in love once and have a long relationship, you will be able to again. The main difference, is that the next time you meet someone, you will hopefully be wiser and more mature for a relationship. Sadly, heartbreak is a part of life - but our heartbreak gives us depth and reminds us that we are human. You now have an experience which will allow you to connect with a lot of people - and someone will come along that is different and more interesting!
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I've been solidly NC for a month(Broke up 7 months ago but we tried to be friends..didn't work) -- not even welcoming minor snippets from mutual friends. I've been doing...ok. Rough Christmas, but for the most part actually ok. Yesterday, my ex called me at work to "catch up" from his work line which I don't know, so I couldn't screen the call. Instead of immediately hanging up, I talked and we had the 'what happened' -- I go into detail about the relationship HERE - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/561846-6-months-post-breakup-still-struggling. Long story short, it was 4 years of toxic hell: Physically abusive at points from both sides, emotionally abusive from both sides, never could resolve an argument, he blamed me for literally every emotional problem he had. It was a bad unhappy relationship all around and I never felt lonelier. I left in May after he made me so scared I had to lock myself in a bathroom for 2 hours after an argument erupted about cleaning the dishwasher. The conversation was chill. He was polite. I asked him how he was. Blah blah. Then he went about how he would take me back, we wouldn't move in right way again but go to therapy and date. He said I just didn't care enough or didn't work hard enough and if I did it would be better. I asked how he could have been happy in that relationship. He seemed so mad all the time. He said he wasn't. I pinpointed a few highlights and he said those were one offs and that I started it. I said ok, but even the small stuff - every time we got in a car we'd fight(he'd usually bumper car into other vehicles in the city and it was actually my car and he would do the thing where he would drive faster when I said it made me nervous how quickly he was going in traffic and that showed complete disregard to my feelings and actual property). He said that wasn't often that we drove anyway. And I asked again, how he would be happy with me -- I know I wasn't nice and would just argue with him sometimes out of the blue. He said I could work on it and it would be better, I just had to try. I was like 'seriously, you just sat there and I was always horrible? why can't you sit down and own anything?' and he said he said maybe he could be better. I got teary eyed and said I need to get back to work. Needless to say I spent the rest of the night completely devastated. I didn't call him back, but how do other people cope if/when they have this conversation? One: By not having the conversation in the first place (your BIG mistake was not hanging up, BOLDED, above) and realising that NC means NC and that he didn't break it, you did. You still have a dependency on his presence in your life. Had you not, you wouldn't have been so docile in the discussion. You asked him how he could have lived with you... In your place, I would have told him that while you accepted your part, it was patently obvious he was projecting his own failings, refusing to acknowledge that he was a controlling bully, and was in fact a miserable, low-life loser I would now be utterly thrilled to be rid of. And he could just forget any thoughts of a possible reconciliation, based on such egotistic conditions: Hell would have to freeze over and then thaw again, before he ever had the privilege of even thinking of seeing me again, ever. You need to put your 'Big girl panties' on and quit believing you're this vulnerable and susceptible to his bullying. It's over, remember? 2
Amelie1980 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm going to save that speech, Tara, in case I ever need to use it.
Recommended Posts