cupcakebunny Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 As the title says I am over 6 months out from a breakup of a 10 year relationship and still pretty depressed about it. Looking for some advice from anyone that went through something similar: My ex and I met during freshman year of college through a mutual friend. He pursued me pretty relentlessly and after a few months I agreed to date him. We stayed together throughout college despite not going to the same school - we would alternate visits every so often but I mostly only saw him in the summer. During my senior year his visits essentially stopped and I became interested in someone else and during my 2nd semester broke it off. We had no contact and I thought I was over him. However, the summer after I graduated we hung out and reconciled. At the end of the summer I moved to a larger city and we were apart again(he was still in school -- he had failed out once so it had lengthened his time). Despite me having my own apartment, he didn't come in very much. I would go home at least once a month -- using my own money for the train -- to visit. After 2 years of this he graduated and got a really nice and well paying job in the city and we moved in together. The first month was pretty nice. Sex was regular and we had a nice time exploring the city together. However, after about a month he became weird about hanging out and would only play video games. When I would ask him if he would want to walk to the grocery store within a few hours he would scream at me and ask that I stop planning his day. It was a chore trying to get him to do anything. So I ended up just sitting in front of the couch watching tv. The fights became more frequent until they exploded into an actual bad one - where we ended up throwing things at eachother. I don't remember what it was about just that it was bad. The sex started petering off and we really stopped talking and life became sort of quiet and comfortable except for the occasional fight. We moved to a nicer and larger apartment and the fights increased and I became more and more unhappy. The fights stopped being small and were always long drawn out screaming matches. Me asking for him to stop and just wanting it to go away and him screaming that he would if I would just have sex with him. After the fights it would be hunky dory for a while and we would sometimes do things together and it was pretty ok. However, he began doing this thing where if I tried to be simply affectionate i.e. cuddle he would start groping me. I would ask him to stop and he would have to be told multiple time before he did. He would then sigh and walk away. This hurt the most because I felt I couldn't even feel safe and just snuggle and feel loved. This continued for a 3 more years -- the fights got worse and got physical. He started going to therapy but would use it against me saying things like "Well my therapist says you have x y z issues" and he would say I needed help and I had all these emotional disorders that were causing all our problems and I wasn't working hard enough to fix them. Last May I had, had enough -- I was crying every night and wishing I was with ANYONE else or just alone. I broke it off and moved out as I couldn't imagine doing this another 10 years. Initially I was very sure of my decision and was committed to making this as amicable as possible. I recognized my part in the toxic aspect of our relationship and knew I could be bad. I recognized that we fought all wrong and neither of us was willing or able to communicate with eachother about a relationship and felt this was for the best and thought we would be better off as friends. However, after about a month I began to miss him and our home we built together. I started hanging out with him again and we would chat on occasion...no sex and nothing serious...but I know I was doing it because I wasn't totally ready to let go. Then about 2 months ago I initiated no contact and now I feel devastated. I am waffling between regretting my decision to just out right depression. So I was wondering if anyone had any advice or had gone through anything similar.
didithappen Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) OP you might not realize it now, but you are better off without him! He sounds pretty lazy and unaffectionate, not to mention possessing a tendency towards verbal abuse. You got yourself out of a toxic situation, and sometimes you miss what you had even if it wasn't for the best. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't drag this out even longer and end up getting seriously hurt. This ex doesn't deserve you, and you can do way better! Take this time to practice self-compassion. Focus on yourself, do not contact him, build new friendships, and only when you feel ready consider to venture out into dating again. Trust me, there is somebody way better out there for you. Given enough time you will meet that person. You will heal up again, trust me, and when you do you'll be happy knowing that you don't have him to drag you down in life. I haven't been through your situation per se, but I have been through a sort of similar situation with my ex. There wasn't really ever fighting, but it became a chore to hang out with her. It took so much work to do anything with her, and most of the time she would dodge me for some reason. She stopped having sex with me and started lying about doing things with another guy. She didn't yell at me but would find a way to start an argument about nothing at all, or blame me for something that I didn't do, even though I was always nice with her. It took me several months to realize that I am better off without her, and eventually that will happen with you too. Edited December 15, 2015 by didithappen
elly key Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Imagine that you are together again. Do you want to cry at nights intead of falling asleep feeling loved? Your decision is correct since you didn't break up with him out of blue. You had all reasons to end the relationship where you were not yourself. Relationship is work for two. If someone is too lazy and blame you for disturbing them, they are not your type. You have to feel powerful in a relationship, not miserable.
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