Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I'd like to hear from some other people. I've posted about my story of my most recent breakup about 5-6 weeks ago. If you're bored you can read it here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/558290-moving Anyway since then I was stupid enough to break no contact once and went to her house about 2 weeks ago after driving by. I was in the grips of severe depression that night. Anyway, it was very cold and bitter the half hour I was there....we didn't really speak a whole lot. But obviously it didn't help how I was feeling, nor did I think it would. It was just dumb. Anyway, the last 2 women that I've fallen in love with have both cheated on me. One was my serious long term girlfriend of 9 years, we lived together, and obviously I wanted to be with her forever. Found out she cheated on me with multiple guys including my best friend, I forgave her and we lasted another 2 years until she left me for another guy (they're not getting married). We broke up in 2012. Now my next girlfriend who just broke up with me, we lasted about a year, until she cheated on me. For those of you that have been cheated on in the past.....do you feel you've truly recovered from that? I thought I had, but when I started dating this girl, it was difficult to trust her due to my past issues. I've started counseling last week to try and get to the bottom of my depression, anxiety, OCD, self esteem, and trust issues. I just feel like this is something that is going to weigh me down forever and that I'll never truly be able to trust someone again as this has now happened twice to me. Any advice would be extremely helpful right now. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 No. You dont get over it. You never really trust again.
StBreton Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 So sorry you're going through this:( I'll keep it simple. Yes you will get over it and move into happiness again. It's important to not allow how others behave define you. That's a hat they wear. Yes...it's taken a little piece/peace of your heart ... but the heart is very resilient. You'll be sad for a while...go through emotional/physical withdrawal from this person. Give yourself time and solace. Tell yourself you will love again ... that is a gift you give to others ... not everyone treats gifts well, unfortunately. Trust in yourself and your capacity to love and create happiness within...that's how I've gotten through. iHugs 3
Marco Valerio Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 No, you will never be the same person again. You've lost your innocence in that sense of trust-love. No matter what, you will always wonder if it might ever happen again.
Author Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Kinda how I feel that I'm sadly going to take out the mistakes of my past relationships out on any girl I meet, it'll certainly be unintentional, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to help it. I'm not the type to accuse someone of something, more like ask questions to get reassurance. What girl would want to have questions asked all the time? Not too many if any.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 OP, I feel your pain. About 4 years ago, my long-term, live-in ex-boyfriend (of 7.5 years) had an affair. I had thought we would someday get married, everyone thought we were The Couple, blah blah blah. He hid it very well and I actually didn't learn the full extent of it until after we'd broken up. I then met a man about a year later, and we ended up dating for around a year. That relationship wasn't a healthy one on many levels, so I wasn't too shocked when I came to find out that he too had slept with other women behind my back. Deja vu. I took a breather from dating after that! I am now in a healthy and happy relationship with a lovely man. But I think my previous experiences changed the way I view relationships. I am certainly much more guarded than I was before, less blindly trusting. I have indeed found happiness again but I've had to continually remind myself that my current boyfriend is not the previous ones. I can't hold him hostage for my past. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, and looking back at the previous two cheaters, there were definitely signs. Some I didn't recognize at the time, others I chose to ignore. So, I choose to look at those experiences with infidelity as learning tools. I learned that I can trust my gut when something doesn't feel right; I learned that I was too permissive and accommodating in the past and didn't really hold my exes accountable for their suspicious and inappropriate behaviour. It will probably always be in the back of your mind, but you can choose to not let it hold you back from being happy. It takes a lot of work to do this, I know. I work at it often. The cheaters don't deserve that kind of power over my current happiness. 5
Author Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 OP, I feel your pain. About 4 years ago, my long-term, live-in ex-boyfriend (of 7.5 years) had an affair. I had thought we would someday get married, everyone thought we were The Couple, blah blah blah. He hid it very well and I actually didn't learn the full extent of it until after we'd broken up. I then met a man about a year later, and we ended up dating for around a year. That relationship wasn't a healthy one on many levels, so I wasn't too shocked when I came to find out that he too had slept with other women behind my back. Deja vu. I took a breather from dating after that! I am now in a healthy and happy relationship with a lovely man. But I think my previous experiences changed the way I view relationships. I am certainly much more guarded than I was before, less blindly trusting. I have indeed found happiness again but I've had to continually remind myself that my current boyfriend is not the previous ones. I can't hold him hostage for my past. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, and looking back at the previous two cheaters, there were definitely signs. Some I didn't recognize at the time, others I chose to ignore. So, I choose to look at those experiences with infidelity as learning tools. I learned that I can trust my gut when something doesn't feel right; I learned that I was too permissive and accommodating in the past and didn't really hold my exes accountable for their suspicious and inappropriate behaviour. It will probably always be in the back of your mind, but you can choose to not let it hold you back from being happy. It takes a lot of work to do this, I know. I work at it often. The cheaters don't deserve that kind of power over my current happiness. Thank you for that, sounds extremely familiar as it was the same thing for me. Long term relationship infidelity, then a quick intense relationship that ended with cheating. But you're right, in both instances my gut told me something was wrong, but I chose to ignore it and just go about it blindly and not hold them accountable for the way they made me feel. I'm not a confrontational person, and I hate fighting or arguing, so I held back when I probably should have stood up for myself. 1
Satu Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 You can get over it - if you really want to, but you will be changed in some ways. Change isn't a bad thing. If you surrender to a conscious process of change, that's a good thing. Therapy can be a big help. Spending some time alone can be a big help. Take care. 1
lollipopspot Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Maybe people oughtn't to have a fantasy of "perfect" love anyway. People are imperfect, sometimes they cheat. Everyone lies. Sometimes mothers don't love their kids. There are wars. People do terrible things every day and it's completely banal to them (eating factory farmed animals comes to mind). Reality doesn't have to ruin you. Maybe it will make you less naive though. 1
StBreton Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 You can get over it - if you really want to, but you will be changed in some ways. Change isn't a bad thing. If you surrender to a conscious process of change, that's a good thing. Therapy can be a big help. ****Spending some time alone can be a big help. Take care. OP...the above in bold is very powerful...it almost equates to acquiring innocence just by living this motto...doing this as well as realizing life is not perfect as lolli stated...that's your ticket to feeling whole again. Your naivete is gone but you life is anew again right? ****this helped me so much...well not alone so much as alone and reading this forum for hours a day. Best therapy and free:) 1
Author Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 OP...the above in bold is very powerful...it almost equates to acquiring innocence just by living this motto...doing this as well as realizing life is not perfect as lolli stated...that's your ticket to feeling whole again. Your naivete is gone but you life is anew again right? ****this helped me so much...well not alone so much as alone and reading this forum for hours a day. Best therapy and free:) I've started counseling a couple weeks ago, so hopefully that helps me to start figuring life out again. I used to be an emotionally strong person when I was in my mid 20's, now at 33 I feel like a shell of myself and that I've let life beat the **** out of me.
StBreton Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I've started counseling a couple weeks ago, so hopefully that helps me to start figuring life out again. I used to be an emotionally strong person when I was in my mid 20's, now at 33 I feel like a shell of myself and that I've let life beat the **** out of me. I, too, felt like a shell of myself after divorce (together 18 yrs with 2 kids). Took me awhile but I reconnected with "me"...but it did take me spending a considerable amount of time solo instead of a flurry of social activity...that just delayed the inevitable.
NVO Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I recovered. One of my exes cheated on me for several months, having a relationship with me and another guy simultaneously. But I trusted my last ex more than anyone. I don't know why, I guess I'm just not the guy who wants to worry all about what could happen. If the girl wants to go out with her friends, let her go. I strongly believe that even if someone puts up the best lie ever, the truth will come out anyway. Also I'm lucky I have that gut feeling when something is off, and most of the time that feeling is right too. And last but not least, the cheating ex learned me that even if you worry about it, it can happen anyway. So go ahead and cheat on me if you like, I'll be gone in a second. She knows what she is risking. But that's if you break up after being cheated on. My parents got back together after my dad cheated, and there will always be some trust issues. It just happens. If he stays away until late, even with legitimate reasons, you will always wander. That's hard for both parties, because all my dad wants is to regain full trust from my mother. My mother on the other hand tries to trust my dad as best as she can. They still have regular arguments about this.
Draper Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I believe you can get over it if you choose to, but i reckon it's different for everyone. Some people may hold onto it forever while others may eventually let it go. My last breakup ended with cheating and I'm trying to use it as a tool rather than a blocker. For one, I try use it to help me move on because obviously I don't want to be with someone who could/did cheat on me, as I deserve better than that. I'm also learning that in the future, i'll be operating under a "one-strike" policy. I gave my ex another chance and got burned, in the future if someone cheats, I'm gone. It just isn't worth trying to fix someone who would do that to you. I don't really know how this will effect my relationships going forward but I hope to not hold my ex's mistakes against anyone else unless they give me a reason too. It's hard for me to think about trusting someone else now because my ex largely destroyed my faith in human decency but I know it's ultimately her shortcomings.
SuperGeek Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 As time goes on you can 'mostly' get over it. However, you will likely not trust as easily as you once did. Just speaking from my own experience.
Author Nickr3023 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Kinda how I feel now. I'm unfortunately the worst type of person for this situation....as I'm sensitive, kind, and forgiving. So I too gave both women multiple chances, only to get burned over and over again simply wanting to believe that they had learned from their mistakes and wouldn't do it again. I guess being naive and trusting in the person you love is difficult to do. I fear that I will now carry the past mistakes of 2 past lovers into any future I have with someone else. Hopefully I can someday move on from all this, but I'm just not sure my mind will allow it.
Draper Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I think the key is to find a balance between giving someone your trust until they give you reason not to, while at the same time not letting yourself get walked all over. I wouldn't worry about it for now though man, just focus on letting the past go and trust that im the future the dots will connect.
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