Is this hopeless? I feel like such a cliche.

[The Way I Am]

Well that both sucks and is a blessing. Glad you had a revelation though.

 

But what he was doing was total bs. She cheats on him and he has to explore whether or not there's anything left? That's generous of him toward her and all but he should have made that decision before he asked you for drinks and brought you into the mix. And you have the right to be pissed that he didn't.

 

He's been a selfish jerk. Glad you've decided to be a bit selfish too and put your needs first.

[Confused7765]

I agree with all of you. As far as blocking him, we still work together so I can't cut off all contact in that sense, but I don't often have to see him and will keep it strictly professional when I do. But that's the main reason why I'm not blocking him. I feel okay with that, though. I don't feel too worried about being sucked back in at this point. I've got a pretty stacked next two weeks with the holidays coming up, spending time with people who go out of their way to show me they care about me, so I feel good about all of this overall. Thank you again to all of you for your insight. It was really helpful having objective ears to get feedback from. My friends have all met him and really like him and tend to think it's just a matter of time, so I think their perspective actually enabled me to have the idealistic, hopeful view of everything that I had up until a couple of days ago. Much appreciated that you all helped me out of the fog.

[Brandyundercover45]

The problem here is that all of what you just told us that has transpired between him and his gf is what HE has told you. You don't know for sure what's being said, other than a few text messages that says she's cool with your friendship. Just because he says she knows about the sex between you two doesn't mean it's true. And the him sleeping on the couch and her being okay with staying with him while he sees you, sounds looney. The thing here is simple actually: He is not married to her. They have no children. He makes good money and thus can afford a new place and not "sleeping on the couch". If he wanted to move out and move on with you he would have. This may sound corny but the most important thing I always tell myself I learned from the movie "he's just not that into you". A man will do exactly what HE wants to do. No one will stop him. If he wants to leave her, he will. If he wants to be with you, he will. If he's into you, she won't matter... and vise versa. You've gotten yourself entangled in a mess, but it's a loose mess and easily cleaned up. Put your foot down at this point and tell him it's either you or her. Period. It's not that hard. Tell him to move out of the apartment and leave her there, that way he's not waiting for her to move out. In the mean time, DO NOT sleep with him or have any

relationship type interaction with him. You don't have to be rude to him or give him the cold shoulder (he doesn't sound like he's deliberately trying to string you along, otherwise he'd have slept with you long ago), but be clear he's to make a certain choice, DO IT, not talk about it. And give him a time-frame, don't leave it open-ended. This needs an expiration date before you walk away for good. If he loves you he'll know this is the right thing to do and will do it. He won't take it as an ultimatum, in a negative way. If he does say you've given him an ultimatum, then okay, so what. Men respect standards, so get some. Good luck.

Edited December 22, 2015 by Brandyundercover45

[Confused7765]

I see what you're saying, though I disagree with the comment that I haven't had standards. I also see what you're saying about the possibility of him being dishonest, but it's exhausting to try to play detective and assume he is lying when he's never given me a reason to disbelieve him. If anything, our primary issue is that he is too open with me about all of this. That said, I do realize there are two sides to every story and I haven't blindly walked through this taking everything he says as fact- even if he believes it is fact, his perceptions are obviously going to only be his side of it. That said, at this point it doesn't really matter what he is saying the situation is, it's done with and I've made that clear to him. I don't think he's a bad person or one who set out to get himself into this situation, but he obviously hasn't handled this in a healthy way in any sense. And neither have I, since I allowed myself to erode my own usual boundaries and that will never be the basis for a healthy relationship with him. At this point, for me, it's over and I actually feel a sense of relief today about it all. I genuinely wish him the best in the future, that future just isn't going to have me in it.

[Brandyundercover45]

He absolutely thinks it was a coincidence he asked me to drinks a couple weeks after he found out about her affair. I have confronted him about that many times and he insists that it was because he had mentioned getting drinks prior to that (which he had, but had taken no action on it). I honestly feel like he often times has a hard time even acknowledging his own emotions to himself and he suppresses uncomfortable ones and then takes actions in line with how he really feels but doesn't always consciously realize that's what he is doing.

 

I have met her a few times but only when he and I were aboveboard and not since all of this has come to light. I considered messaging her and just telling her I was willing to answer any questions she had because I know he has lied to her about certain things, and if I were in her position, I would want someone to reach out to me, but I didn't trust myself that I would be doing it for the right reasons, and her personality is very private and I didn't want to invade her space. She knows where I am if she wants to find me or ask me any questions. Additionally, they are technically broken up right now so I felt like messaging her during this time seemed selfish of me.

Reading your further comments tells me so much about you - the first being you are too good to be in this situation. You clearly mean no harm or ill will to his gf/xgf, and that speaks volumes of your character. I truly hope you are able to see your way clear of this guy and his woman, something tells me it's not over between him and frankly he's too weak to handle you. He's used to the drama and the ill treatment she gives him, you may just end up sorry you pursued this. However, having said that there is "some" potential here. But the effort would definitely need to come from him in earnest. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, I hope it works out well for you with or without him.

[Brandyundercover45]

I see what you're saying, though I disagree with the comment that I haven't had standards. I also see what you're saying about the possibility of him being dishonest, but it's exhausting to try to play detective and assume he is lying when he's never given me a reason to disbelieve him. If anything, our primary issue is that he is too open with me about all of this. That said, I do realize there are two sides to every story and I haven't blindly walked through this taking everything he says as fact- even if he believes it is fact, his perceptions are obviously going to only be his side of it. That said, at this point it doesn't really matter what he is saying the situation is, it's done with and I've made that clear to him. I don't think he's a bad person or one who set out to get himself into this situation, but he obviously hasn't handled this in a healthy way in any sense. And neither have I, since I allowed myself to erode my own usual boundaries and that will never be the basis for a healthy relationship with him. At this point, for me, it's over and I actually feel a sense of relief today about it all. I genuinely wish him the best in the future, that future just isn't going to have me in it.

Correct, I'm sorry. I wrote that before I read all of your other comments. You seem so emotionally healthy, and really didn't need our help. Smile. You go girl, I'm very proud of you if that doesn't sound too condescending!

Edited December 22, 2015 by Brandyundercover45